Titanics 5-0 Run From the Basement

The Tennessee Titanics may be on their way to one of the greatest comebacks in history as they run screaming from the NFL Cellar with a mid-season 5-0 run after starting 0-6.

On their schedule they now face the Colts, who have been winning by the skin of their teeth and are due to fall, especially to an energized Titanics. After that Tennessee should beat at home the Lambs, Floppers and Seahags. The only likely loss left on the schedule is the Chargers, who are looking really good right now, and TT will play them on the road.

That could put the Titanics at 9-7 at the end of the season. Maybe even a wildcard.

Cellar Division WEAK XII Wrap-Up and Disposal

CELLAR DIVISION WEAK XII WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

It was a week of strong competition in the Cellar, with losers knocking on the rumpus room door for the first time all year, and the leaders burning a trail towards the Moldy Carpet.

LOSER OF THE WEEK

Carolina Pansies

This is tough to call but the Stale Quart of Pabst, with complimentary beer soaked Marlboros, goes to the Carolina Pansies, who return to the cellar this week on the strength of a day where they muster 11 first downs, 4 interceptions,104 yards passing and SIX meager points against the generous NY Jets. They just barely edge out the Brownies and the Cubs (Bears), because the Pansies did not get into the end zone, except during pre-game warm-ups.

This week’s Trailers:

Points: 6 Pansies

First Downs: 8 Chicago Cubs

Total Yards: 169 Brownies and Cubs (it’s a freaking tie)

Passing: 95 yards, SeaHags (and they WON)

Rushing: 43 yds. Chicago Cubs

Turnovers: 5 Kittens

Honorable mention on fumbles: Cheaps 4, lost 3.

Penalties: Texans 10-129 !! That’s gotta be the loss right there.

Time of Possesion: 19:05 Cubs

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK:

Chargers 43, Cheaps 14

Walkfish and Wacko both called this blowout, with Wacko nearly nailing the point total, though neither of us thought the Cheaps would score at all. Fumbling 3 times (with one returned for a TD) and tossing in an INT, the Cheaps stumble into Monday with a bitter taste of reality in the mouth, and a sore butt in their shorts. They gave up over 500 yards of offense to the Chargers, who are playing, drum roll please, the BROWNIES next week at home. Chargers get blowout of the week next week too. I say over 50 points.

The Chicago Cubs are showing every sign of being a team that completely comes apart at the end of the season. They may not be in the Cellar, but that’s just because the NFC division is so hard to break into. Two teams at 1-10, THREE teams at 4-7.

But, with 8 first downs yesterday, they are working it, and with any luck, could lose to the Lambs next week (Stiff of the Week game next week). Look out Lambs, the Cubbies are after the Moldy Carpet.

Notable games:

Nils 31 Floppers 14

Wow does Miami know how to blow a game. What is that, like, 6 of them? Ahead 14-7 in the 4^th quarter, the Floppers do what they do best, FLOP on the Deck like Fish. These guys get up to more nautical nonsense than Spongebob. And, who cares if they’re good or bad, right? I mean, the NILS? 24 straight point to finish the game. I think that’s the collapse of the year.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Bungles 16 Brownies 7

You know, the Brownies are in this one almost every week (even though I just started this), unless it’s the Blowout of the Week.

Bengals play it conservative (you try losing to the Raydurz and see what you do the next week), rushing 45 times, even though the Brownies have the WORST defensive backfield in the league, except for the Kittens. They hold the ball, between their knees, for 38 minutes. Jesus I hope the fans brought a lot of booze into the stadium to give themselves the illusion there was a contest going on. 14 punts by both teams. The Brownies came after them with their dazzling array of negative yardage wide-out ‘screens,’ the stupidest play in football, and their anemic running game, whose 58 yards of falling forward was padded by a Brady Quinn 10 yard run. Next Stiff for the Bengals: the Kittens.

aaaaaaaAAAAND That’s the View from the Basement!!

See Ya Later, Posers

Only five (or in some cases, six) regular season games to go and it is time to kick a few teams upstairs.

By the way, the Cardinals really botched this one today with the Titanics, who have proven now they have no business being in the basement. No natty red naugahyde with fake, brass studs bar stool for you guys. But, hey, how can the Cardinals be so shaky and still be in first? Oh, yeah, they are in the NFC West!

But I digress...hey, where's the peanuts and the Bohemian quarts? The Steeler game is coming on.

Back to the topic....er...what was it? Oh yeah, even the Seahags couldn't manage to lose to the Lambs. What a terrible game. Whoa, that's not the topic. The topic? Who needs to be kicked upstairs, that's the topic.

Hey, that's Dixon taking the hike for the Steelers. Cool. Go Dixon!

Er, back to the topic...

I say, bye-bye Titanics. Titanics have had some moments of greatness, er, badness this year, but they just aren't losers of caliber. And the Nils, as bad as they are, show signs of not being bottom feeders on the level of other denizens of the cellar. But, we can't shut out two AFC teams in one week. So it's goodbye to the Seahags in the NFC. Their performance today shows they do not have the mental discipline to lose effectively. I don't see many wins in their future this year, but they will have to be excused from their bar stool of misery.

Hey, guys, let me know what you think.

Dolphins Still Flopping on the Basement Threshold

Buffalo wins big today over the Dolphins who, though they recently escaped the basement, are still flopping like a piked salmon on a barnacle covered charter boat.

I gotta say the Floppers may be the best loser, as they lose games they are expected to win. It takes real loser moxie to consistently hand victory over to a team that was really trying to lose.

Nils may be out of the running for the rest of the season. Those posers!!

Gentleman, Start Your Nachos

The Oracle from the Basement has tossed out the beer bottle and is now spinning a frozen turkey that was passed over for Thanksgiving.

And today's lone voice from the fake-red-leather barstool predictions, a bit late thanks to the Thursday triptifan, are as follows:

Bootineers 3
Falcons 20

Brownies 7
Bengals 28

Seahags 21
Lambs 18

Deadskins 18
Eagles 24

Cheaps 0
Chargers 35

Cardinals 14
Titanics 17

Flopper 36
Nils 9

And enjoy the games!

Weak XII Predictions

WackoWorld weighs in with first predictions (with scores) of the year:

Seahags 24 Lambs 3 Lambs are the worst team in the league, unless it's the other guys.

Today, it's the Lambs.

Bootineers 10 Atlanta 34 Boots have fired the offensive AND defensive coordinators. So, now they have no plays. Youngest coach in the league soon to be youngest fired coach.

Brownies 17 Bengals 21 Bengals let anybody stay in a game. And I mean anybody today. So, Brownies get to score some more points (unlike the Kittens who can stop momentum dead in its tracks), but next week will make up for it with a negative score (will be NFL first).

Cheaps 0 Chargers 42 Cheaps come down to earth, hard, after two wins. Chargers on fire.

Deadskins 13 Eagles 12 Oh, I don't know. Why not? Eagles proven they can lost to a Cellar team, and have played five of them. Deadskins on verge of mediocrity.

Nils 6 Floppers 20 Floppers remember their days in the Cellar, and aren't coming back. Nils continue free fall. Watch out Cleveland. Another floater on Lake Erie.

Titanics 17 Cardinals 7 Kurt Warner will woozy his way to a multiple interception day, and the Titanics score at least 1 defensive touchdown.

Worst Team of the Weak prediction: Cheaps.

I can see I've gone way out on a limb, predicting two Cellar victories. I must be getting soft in the head. The Titanics only marginally qualify, though, so I will stand by my picks, until the linemen start coming through unabated.

Weak XII Fun Facts

Today's SF Chronicle Sporting Green columnist David White provides these fun facts. The rewrite is mine:

1. The Chargers beat the Raydurz in the season opener, then lost three of four.

2. The Giants pasted the Raydurz and went from 5-0 to 6-5.

3. The Jets have lost 3 straight since demolishing the Raydurz.

Clearly, the Bengals and the Eagles knew what they were doing in going belly up against Al Davis' slave ship. They may not be leading the Cellar, but in their own way they set the standard that others look down to.

Also, yesterday I was channel surfing and I came across a piece about the '83 Raiders and watched the great Marcus Allen talk about the bizarre treatment he received from Al Davis, which I had almost forgotten about. You may have forgotten, but Al limited Allen's playing time just because he didn't like him, and was a bigger star than Al before he ever arrived there.

Once, during a practice, when Allen asked Davis if he could run more (get more carries in the game), Al said "You can take some more laps around the track, if you like."

It's all coming back to haunt Al now.

The Run For the Basement

Even the Refs Can't Take it Anymore

OK, we've all had a warm and fuzzy moment over our underdogs....but it's back to the business of losing!

This week's Featured Cellar Matchup

Seahags at Lambs

Hags were Losers of the Week last week, showing how it's done in only their first week of membership in the cellar. This is going to be a HELL of a game, and I'm not kidding. It's going to be awful. Hags do move the ball- 15th in league in 1st downs, and have almost 200 points scored. They shut out the Lambs in September 28-0. This is the LAST winnable game on the Lambs schedule. Lambs could run the table. If 'Hags can lose, 3-8 is nothing to dismiss, even in the highly competitive NFC Cellar.

THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET

THE OUTLOOK in the NFC

Tampa, Detroit, and Lambs- one of these teams will take the NFC Cellar- unless some really bizarre events happen. Like giant meteors and zombies, for example.

Tampa, the sleeper team in the NFC, has the Pansies, Jets, and Seahags as possible victories. They also have Falcons twice and Saints. I see one, maybe two victories in this bunch.

Detroit - Bengals, Ravens, Cardinals, 49ers, Bears. Bengals can lose to anybody. They lost to the Raydurz. Still, the Kittens need a really bad team to beat, and the Brownies have already visited. I don't see a victory in here.

Lambs- Seahags is their best chance to win a game. Their ONLY WIN was against Detroit, so they have the tie-breaker nailed down. They also have Bears, Titanics, Texans, Cardinals and 49ers. Not too tough, but the Lambs...almost beat Deadskins, almost beat Jags, almost beat Saints. They will almost beat 2 of these teams.

I will go out on a limb and say they can win 1 more game. So, it would come down to the tie-breaker with Detroit.

Since Tampa does not play either the Lambs or Kittens, any tie will come down to PF-PA, and any other tie-breakers we can think of.

OUTLOOK in AFC

Brownies, Brownies, Brownies.

As bad as the Raydurz are, and boy are they a bumbling bunch of guys running into each other and dropping interceptions that should be six, it's going to be tough to catch these guys.

BUT! Brownies have the hardest schedule for losing- they have the Bengals, who let ANYBODY hang around, the Cheaps AND the Raydurz. They also have the Steelers, who are not perfect either. But, come on, have you seen these guys play?

Brownies could win 2 games. I mean, that seems completely impossible, more meteors, zombies, and mutant neutrinos, but if it somehow comes to pass, there are 3 teams that could end up in a tie with them- Raydurz, Nils or Cheaps. So don't count them out yet, it could happen!

Kittens in top Form

After a promising fumble recivery and score to open the game, the Kittens have managed less than 200 yards offense while the Packers have rolled for 400 plus yards and 27 points.

Lions are still in the hunt for the moldy carpet!
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Thanksgiving Oracle

We really can be thankful for these two games. Not only do we have the Raydurz and Kittens, but also the stumbling Cowboys. As Wacko said, they are the worst 7-3 team in the NFL.

The lone voice from the red naugahide barstool has spun the old beer bottle and her are today's predictions:

Kittens - 13
Packers - 28

Raydurz - 17
Cowboys - 14

Happy Thanksgiving!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

Cellar Playoff Methods and the Underdog

Only 6 weeks to go for the Moldy Carpet.

Week 13 will be the beginning of the ELIMINATION ROUNDS, when teams no longer have a mathematical chance of taking the Moldy Carpet. They will be eliminated from the standings.

As each succeeding week unfolds, teams that can't hang with the real pros at getting your lunch handed to you week after week (and what DOES that phrase mean, anyway? Somebody punched you in the gut, you throw up, and then they HAND it to you?) will be kicked upstairs into the blinding light of contention. OR at least, dubious mediocrity.

This season of close scrutiny of the underbelly of the NFL has taught me a couple of things. One is it's really hard to execute well on any sort of high percentage in football. It's not as hard as hockey, but let's face it, in hockey you've got football players playing basketball on ice, so good luck with that. Most NFL teams are working really hard just to be OK. I have a renewed appreciation for the difficulty of pulling off a play 100%. If you interviewed coaches/off/def co-ordinators around the league, I wonder what percentage of success they would give you. 30%? 20%? Having a game turn out 13-10 is really not an embarrassment. It may not be entertaining, but we get very skewed memories about great teams of the past. the 49ers are 5-0 in Super Bowls, but if you look at regular season games of the Joe Montana era, there are many many low scoring games that were not pretty. Around here, in San Francisco, you'd think Joe threw for 400 yards every game.

Also, some of our beloved bottom dwelling teams are bad almost by accident, and some are bad by design. The Raiders are bad by design. It's been carefully crafted. The Lions were made REALLY bad by design in the last 5 years because they had Matt Millen guiding the team carefully into the abyss. I remember 10 years ago, it seemed like the Browns were building a great franchise with many front office people snatched from the 49ers, but it all went south, and they have, I think, been shocked by what has happened to them.

If the Browns OR the Lions started winning, I think I'd become rabidly involved, now that I'm following them closely. When I first moved to San Francisco, in 1976, the 49ers were TERRIBLE. They were Kings of the Bonehead Forest. I had never lived in a town with an NFL team, and though the Raiders were faves, too, I followed the Niners, especially since they had the extremely amusing Lon Simmons at the mike for radio- a man who could take a one sided blow-out and turn it into a absurdist romp through non-sequiter free form Ken Nordine style thinking, exiting the horrors of the game completely. The man knew when the pain of the game was too great, and radios were going off all over. Fellow Cellar members DTRocks and Walkfish attended the Buffalo-Niners game at the end of the '80 season with me, when Montana and company began to show flashes of talent. The game seemed completely lost, but somehow at the end the Niners were right there, hurling passes into the end zone on the final play (though losing still). The next year, they won the Super Bowl. Their odds were something like 200-1. I had moved to Seattle, for one year, at the time, and almost went insane because I couldn't be in SF for the playoff run. I can't explain the joy I felt- but if you've ever lived through the interminable losing, when suddenly the team wins- at all- it's all good. And many times the games you really love are the 13-7 affairs, where they play like crap but WIN ANYWAY. That's football at it's finest, really. You fight to win the game.

So, with all our celebration of the competition for the Moldy Carpet, I give thanks to these teams that have my attention, because one of these days one of them is going to rise up, and snatch the crown at the other end of the tunnel, and there will be joy in Mudville. Even if it isn't my hometown. Toss the coin, you bums, you never know what's going to happen.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

2 Cellar Games on TURKEY DAY

What could be more appropriate? Kittens- Packers and Raydurz- Cowboys- 2 Cellar Teams on Turkey Day.

Shane Lechler goes for whacking the absurd video board at X-Box 360 Stadium in Dallas on Thanksgiving, the Cowboys #1 special teams device for keeping punts low and straight.

It's only 90 feet up there, and the man with the biggest foot in football goes for keeping his potentially record-setting 51.5 yard avg. in fine form. It's gonna be tough if he can't go for the hang time. And, these aren't line drives he's kicking. The are looong AND high.

"Yeah, I could hit it," Lechler says. "If that guy in Tennessee can hit it, I can hit it." Hey, that's Cellar to Cellar, so they oughta know. These are guys who have to ice down their leg after the game. Even with a win and a new QB under their belts, the Raydurz should still give Lechler 7-10 shots at it. The more you punt, the further you are from victory, but boy you sure get the practice!

So, if Lechler doesn't set the record, we can blame Jerry Jones and America's Team. Sounds fine to me. I blame Jerry Jones for global warming.

Do the Raydurz have a chance? The Cows are the worst 7-3 team in the league, but I think reality is going to visit Mr. Cellar there under rump for the Raydurz. He's gonna look like a hunted animal and get the stuffing knocked out of him. I'm predicting 3 interceptions, 2 fumbles, and 5 sacks, and...lots of punts. Also, Raiders typically follow up good defensive efforts with a stinker.

Cows 31 Raydurz 13

KITTENS-Packers! It's at Ford Field! QB Matthew Stafford dislocated his left shoulder (non-do-anything hand) on the next to last play of the wild win over Cleveland, and he's 'questionable' for the game. Without him, Daunte Culpepper steps in, can't move, and gets hammered. Kittens should get back on the schnied no problem.

Packers 28 Kittens 7

Cellar Fireworks are Coming to a Basement Near You

CLOSE, BUT NO HAVANNA:

We have some fantastic games coming for the Brownies in the home stretch, and they cannot disappoint. Brownies/Cheeps and Brownies/Rayduhs. Both games may warrant sports bar attendance as they are in the final throws of what is shaping up to be an outstanding season of failure for the Brownies. I think the Rayduhs and Cheeps will sustain enough "high" from this weekend to take it to the Brownies and forge "statement" games out of these contests. One can only hope.

As for the Lambs, they have a classic Cellar match up next weekend with the Seahags. Game one of the season saw the hags put a beat down on the Lambs with a nasty shut out, I believe. The Lambs don't do revenge. In fact, they put a whole new spin on the phrase "lick your chops." Seattle has become increasingly inept lately, but I'm sure they will right the ship with the Lambs. The only real chance for the Lambs to blow this for me might be with the Titanics. However, the sinking ships are looking a lot more water tight lately, and I can't believe there is any real threat here.

With any luck, my crew will end up with just the two current wins, and moldy carpet will be in my future!

Weak XI Wrap-up and Disposal

Holy Fricking Cow what a weekend!! It’s UPSET WEEKEND!

Two, count ‘em TWO, cellar dwellers rise up and knock off a division leader and last year’s Super Bowl champs. The Kittens and the Brownies play the most inspiring game of the year, complete with injured QB heroics for the final play, and…and everybody else lost as usual. Seahags win WORST TEAM OF THE WEEK. Brownies and Lambs still rule the Rumpus Room.

I’m going to keep it brief, because I have to go down to the courthouse and sign up for comedy traffic school, so the laughs are all on me in a little bit.

LIONS 38- Brownies 37

That’s right- the LIONS. Matthew Stafford pulls an end-around the bench, eluding team doctors, lumbers onto the field like the hunchback of Ford Field, and throws the winning touchdown. What a GAME!! Nothing like having the two worst defensive backfields in the league square off. Some receivers were so far open that they got lonely and started talking trash to themselves.

Some numbers:

Brady Quinn doubled his career TD passing totals (4 yesterday), and some were wonderful ‘heave it up there’ bombs.

The Brownies exceed their highest point total of the year before 1^st quarter ends.

Stafford throws 5 TD passes, the most for a rookie since 1937.

Both teams clear 20 first downs- and the Brownies just don’t do that.

In fact, the Brownies don’t do anything except lose…and they still did. My condolences to the city of Cleveland, but your guys did put on a hell of a show.

Raydurz 20 Bungles 17

Mr. Cellar, Bruce Gradkowski, guides the Raydur offense to a wild late touchdown, and then Bungles cough it up on the ensuing kick-off, giving Sea Bass (Sebastian Janikowski) a point-blank field goal chip shot to WIN the game. And the smallest crowd of the year (33,000 and that’s inflated) goes wild! Kudos to the Raydur defense for playing tough again, going blitz crazy (10) and getting rewarded for it.

Here’s a few comments from the Raydurz about their new QB: “He commanded the huddle and was punctual.” “He gave great feedback today when he came off the field.” “We practiced that throw (on the touchdown to Murphy) all week”

“If the number one option isn’t there, he knows where to go.” Hearing his coach say Mr. Cellar may have been a little too amped up, guard Robert Gallery said “Shit I hope he was amped up!”

I think we knowz who they REALLY be talking about.

CHEAPS 27 Rustbelters 24 (OT)

Jesus it just doesn’t stop around here. The Chiefs do it again, winning with less than 15 first downs. Freaking amazing. That’s two in a row, and the fresh air must feel good in those basement lungs. Personally, it gives me great pleasure to see the AFC west rise up and clock the AFC central, and for the Chargers to bury the Broncos. Great day in the AFC west.

All these teams won at home before delirious fans.

OK. Everybody else lost.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK? Vikings 35- Seahags 9. Welcome to the league, ‘Hags, you guys BELONG. Seriously. See below.

Statistical Leaders Weak XI:

Least points: 6, Deadskins

Fewest first downs: 10, Seahags

Lowest total yards: 212, Sehags

Most turnovers: 4, Bootineers

Most penalties: 10 for 64 yards, Seahags

Passing low: 100, Bootineers (on 17-33-3)

Rushing low: 4 (that’s not a mistake) Seahags

Most yards given up: 515, Cheaps (how did they win this game??)

Shortest Time of possession: 17:49 Seahags!

Eggchair Jim's Blow-Out Weekend Predictions

Even though I'm posting them, these be Eggchair Jim's:

Deadskins 3
Dallas 38

Seahags 17
Vikings 41

Cleveland 3
Kittens 27

Nils 10
Jacksonville 27

Pittsburgh 52
Cheeps 0

New Orleans 41
Bootineers 10

Arizona 45
Lambs 6

Bengals 31
Raydurz 10

Titanics 12
Texans 10

Today's big headline

Big Raydurz headline in the Chronicle today (which only makes it to page 3 at this point):

"Heyward-Bey needs to start catching the Ball."

Oh, I don't know, it's only week XI. People are so impatient.

Here's the #1 pick wildly overpaid receiver's assessment of the situation:

"As long as I don't get down on myself to the point where I don't want to play, that what you don't want to do."

right. Wait, what? It's the FANS that don't want you to play Darrius. There's room on the bench right next to Ja-miss-it, and I'm sure he's got plenty of donuts over there.

He also said "It's all about how you bounce back." It's the BALL that's bouncing back, Dropius. It's doing that in multiple caroms on some plays.

Chad 85 of the Bengals has this to say about Dropius' iron hands: " You can't be in the NFL and try to work on it now, because it's too late. You're missing the boat. You're going to miss the ship if you don't know how to play receiver before you get here."

But where has DHB gotten himself to? The Cellar! Dude, the ship never docks here. Except for the Titanic.

Oracle from the Basement Weak XI

The lone voice from the fake leather barstool in the basement was miserably inaccurate last week, but the old Blitz bottle is spinning and the Oracle will try again.

This could be a week when everybody loses. Bot the beer bottle says not so fast.

I wonder if it is possible for the Kittens and Lanbs to tie in triple overtime?

Deadskins 21
Dallas 18

Seahags 24
Vikings 28

Cleveland 9
Kittens 17

Nils 10
Jacksonville 24

Pittsburgh 33
Cheeps 10

New Orleans 42
Bootineers 14

Arizona 28
Lambs 7

Bengals 28
Raydurz 3

Titanics 18
Texans 10
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

I'm Sorry Your Head Looks Like a Potato

How angry is Pittsburgh after losing to The Bengals? They may put a hurtin' on The Peeps.
I think Kurt Warner will play out of his head and throw 6 TD passes.
The Skinflix have tasted victory and may still be half crazed to taste it again. The Cowgirls better watch out.

And, I know it's against league rules to talk about good teams, but what happened to The Patriots the other night? Why would you not punt? I really did not get that, and I was thrilled to see it happen because I hate the Pats like nothing else. It was fun to watch the difference in style between Manning and Brady. Manning looks so Unitas like with that stiff body and shuffling feet. Brady looks like a CG version of the perfect athlete - smooth, perfect body, flawless motion, cool as the basement in winter. Even the shape of their heads is consistent with their overall aesthetic - Manning's is square, block like, and bulging. Brady's looks like something a super model would cradle in her arms and suck on all night. My God, his head is a giant lollipop!

Kittens and Raydurz are Thanksgiving Turkeys

The Kittens play Green Bay and the Raydurz play Dallas. Could a Cellar
Division fan get a better Thanksgiving? I'm sure the network is
thrilled.

That's Mr. Cellar to you, rookie

Ja-miss-it Russell has been sent to the bench. It's really the only place he can avoid the rush. Have a seat, fatso, because Mr. Cellar is going in.

That's right, sports fans, 4th year QB Bruce Gradkowski will be stepping into the cross-fire that is the Raydurz offense, and boy does this guy have Stellar Cellar Credentials.

He started 11 games for the Bootineers in 2006-7, got CUT by the Lambs in 2008 preseason, latched onto the Brownies for the season, as the 4th string QB, and started their season finale last year. That's right, he's played for the 3 worst teams in the league and is now playing for a sinking pirate ship of fools. The combined records of these teams is 5-31. He's worn #5, 7 and 8 (some punter must have had 6) and if he's not on the Kittens next year, something is wrong, and all theories about fate must be discredited.

Gradkowski was a star QB at Toledo in college, and started off very well for Tampa Bay, after Chris Simms ruptured his spleen (I tell ya, the competition for starting in this league is ROUGH), but then it all slid into the kind of play we now expect from the Boots, and he was benched during a Bears game, and never came back. His total record for starts is 3-8. Sounds about right, don't you think??

Mr. Cellar is getting his start because there's no Jeff Garcia. Garcia was the back-up in camp, until he realized that he was about to be back-up to the most flabby QB in the league on the most poisonous team in the NFL. Run before the Silver and Black gets into your bloodstream!

So, welcome Bruce Gradkowski, Mr. Cellar. Hooray!!

This Week's Debacles

OK, let's see....

Lambs have definite shot at upset over Cardinals. Lambs are playing better ball and the Cardinals are no lock to be on their game. Hey, they LOST to the Niners!

Other than that, I see almost no hope. Deadskins could pull off ANOTHER upset, as the Cowboys aren't much better than the Broncos. In fact, I think they are worse. That's probably asking way too much of them, though, to win two in a row. Think of the partying after the game last weekend. Some of those guys are probably STILL recovering...or are still in party mode.

Titanics no lock to climb out of the cellar completely against the Texans.

OK, so there's three games hanging in the balance. Oh yeah and SOMEBODY has to win Brownies-Kittens, don't they? Or are we predicting a tie?

Matchup of the Week: Brownies vs. Kittens at Ford Field

It's the Great Lakes Classic as the Brownies and Kittens tilt in one of the oldest rivalries in football, and now it's a true battle for the cellar.

Detroit sports blogger John Niyo has a nice entry on this game (see Nov. 17 entry) with a great video clip: http://apps.detnews.com/apps/blogs/lionsblog/index.php

As Niyo puts it: "It's a matchup of floundering 1-8 teams. It'll be blacked out on local TV. There'll be fewer than 40,000 fans in the stadium, more than likely. And the loser might have the inside track on the No. 1 overall pick in next April's draft. "

Here are the Vegas numbers: MATCHUP

Believe it or not, Brownies were 10-6 in 2007, but did not make the playoffs. For their record since 1946, go here: BROWNIE HISTORY

The Worst Team in the NFL

This just in: The Cleveland Brownies are terrible.

They are tied with 3 other teams for worst record (1-8), and YES, the Raydurz are dysfunctional, but Holy Moses this team puts a world of hurt on their fans and continues to be the Floater of Lake Erie.

Once again they take these honors for the week:

1. Least points: 0

2. Fewest first downs: 11 (tied with, of course, the Raydurz).

3. lowest total yards: 160

4. Fewest points scored for the season: 78. That's 8.6 points per contest.

5. However, the Lambs still have the biggest differential between points scored and points allowed, by 2 (-149 to the Brownies -147). So, they don't have all the negatives in one basket.

But they are damn close.

And, just to prove that they really are the Kings of the Bonehead Forest, the Bottom Dweller of all Bottom Dwellers, next week they travel to illustrious Ford Field to take on the Mighty Mighty Detroit Kittens. It's a huge Cellar Match-up, and the Brownies don't stand a chance.

Cellar Division Weak X Semi-Final Wrap Up and Disposal

THE CELLAR DIVISON WEAK X SEMI-FINAL

“You Can’t Lead if You Don’t Lose”

Big changes in the Cellar this week, (welcome Seahags and Nils, goodbye Pansies and Floppers) folks, but first:

Raydurz 3 Cheaps 97

Okay, it was 16-10, but it should have been 97-3. This was bragging rights for Kings of the Bonehead Forest, and it was no contest. It didn’t matter how many points the Cheaps scored, because the Raiders were going to score less, NO MATTER WHAT. Somebody needs to tell Ja-miss-it Russell that “throwback day” has nothing to do with pass trajectory. This guy can’t throw straight. Period. And when he does, he receivers are so shocked, they drop the ball- 8 times yesterday. “OH, my god, there’s something coming RIGHT AT ME! Ow!” First round pick Darrius Heyward-Bey is trying to catch balls with his chest or his knee- oh, I see, the other futball. What Al Davis doesn’t know is that Heyward-Bey played in the Nerf Conference in college. San Francisco Chronicle writer Scott Ostler said it best: “If Haywerd-Bey and Russell were a trapeze act, everyone would be dead.” (find Mr. Ostler's excellent and funny columns at sfgate.com)

The Raiders are so dead in the water that Johnny Depp wouldn’t board their ship to get off the island. Hope Al Davis brought extra Depends™ yesterday ...I wonder if they have the Raider logo on them? Well, it’s all going in the dumpster and going to the island today, baby! But let’s not forget the Cheaps- a team that won despite converting only 1 of 15 third downs (league leaders in worst conversion rate), fumbled twice and really won on 1 play, Jamaal Charles’ 44 rumble on 4^th and 1. The Cheaps, by the way, lead the league in going for it on 4^th down, in most attempts (at least 18) AND conversions (over 60%). That’s desperate. It paid off yesterday.

I should be pulling for the Cheaps-to lose- their my team in the AFC, but the Raydurz deserve this fate in a way that almost no franchise does. Way to go Al! You’ve completely lost touch and lost control of your team by being the only one in control of your team! You are the Howard Hughes of football!!! I hope that’s beer in that jar.

AND, the Raydurz have a golden opportunity to move into first in the AFC (hard to believe they aren’t) because tonight the worst team in football (I really don’t know how they do it), the Brownies, take on the Ravens in the worst Monday night game for the season. The Ravens are coming off their Cellar-worthy stink-up against Cincinatti. However, the last time they met, the Ravens clocked the Brownies 34-3. Could be the BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK (the Oracle from the Basement thinks so).

OK on to the rest of the league and all the drama. First of all, no weekly awards yet, as the standard-setting Brownies have to weigh in with their tiny numbers.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK- so far

Buffalo Nils 17 Titanics 41 - This is the FIRST time a Cellar team is the winner in the blowout of the week, but the Nils move into the Cellar with excellent street cred (3-6 and falling), and by next week the Titanics will probably be OUT of the cellar. These guys, suspected posers all year, have finally put it in gear and look GOOD. But welcome to the club, Buffalo- your only ONE game out of 1^st already, so you’ve got a shot at the Moldy Carpet. You guys are terrible.

Lambs 23 Saints 28

The Lambs hold onto the NFC lead, by a hair (what a battle-3 teams at 1-8), losing late and still throwing bombs into the end zone as time expired. Really, I love the Saints, but you know, we started this league because some of these teams really are OUR teams, and I’d like to see at least one of us doormats rise up and clock the guys at the other end of tunnel- the one where the light and the fresh air are. This was the game, but I guess the Lambs are still the Lambs, even with Marc Bulger healthy and slingin’. Maybe next time, guys. Maybe not.

Kittens 10 Vikings 27

They’ve lost 12 straight at the Humphrey-Dome. They’ve lost 31 of 33, tied for worst stretch ever (Houston Oilers ‘82-84). They played tough for 3 quarters, and then...put it into reverse and stepped on it, as only a team from the Motor City can do!! And yet, they are only in second in the NFC, wedged between the Lambs and the…

Bootineers 23 Floppers 25

The Floppers get themselves kicked out of the league (for at least a week) for winning a game on the final possession- this may be the first time this year after being the poster child for Blown Games. Chad Henne is pulling these guys out of the swamp! Goodbye and good luck Floppers. See you next week, when you play a mediocre team, the Pansies, and most likely lose. The Bucs are still tied for first in the NFC, at 1-8. Keep up the complete ineptitude, men, don’t let anything get you up.

Deadskins 27 Broncos 17

Blowing yet another…wait a minute- is that right? The Deadskins WON?? We have an upset!! Holy Cow, the Deadskins beat a division leader, and I’m not talking about the Cellar. How could this happen? Well, the AFC West is the Poser Division because the Broncos get to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz twice each, so it almost doesn’t count. But don’t tell the city of Washington that. The ‘Skins racked up 388 yards, no turnovers, 2 penalties, knocked out the Broncos QB, and broke the 17 point barrier for the first time this season. OK OK OK you guys can have a Michelob.

Seahags 20 Cardinals 31

How do you get 29 first downs but score only 20 points and lose? You’re the Seahags!They’ve been trying to get into the Cellar all year, and we just can’t ignore them anymore. Welcome, guys, the donuts and beer are over there by the fake upholstered bar, and, just for you, we filled a cooler with chum out in the yard- you’ll have to fight the gulls for it.

BROWNIES and RAVENS tonight! Don’t Miss It!!

aaaaaaaAAAAAnd that’s the view from the Basement!

Welcome to the Basement

It's official, the Floppers and the Pansies, though still pretty bad, are just not basement material. At this time we are proud to introduce two new members of the Cellar Division.....(drum roll please)...

The Seattle Seahags

The Buffalo Nils

Oracle From the Basement Weak X

The Oracle was on a business trip this week and fell asleep for a long time. But the ORacle will not predict. By the way, predictions are made by spinning an old stubby Blitz bottle and the score is determined by the number opposite the one the bottle points to.

And here are today's predictions. Hope I do better than last week!

It's a blowout week as real teams ramp up for the playoffs. Floppers and Titanics both have games they can win, and they will.

Lambs 0
Saints 36

Kittens 10
Vikings 24

Pansies 10
Falcons 28

Deadskins 0
Broncos 35

Bootineers 14
Floppers 24

Raydurz- 10
Cheeps- 8

Titanics- 30
Bills- 7

AAAAAAAND ON MONDAY BEFORE A NATIONAL AUDIENCE THE BROWNIES WILL SHOW THE WORLD HOW TO LOSE.....

Brownies 0
Ravens 42

Time's a Wastin'!! WEAK X PREVIEW

OK, here we go, sports fans! Tonight the O-NIners take one more crack at descent into the cellar, and thanks to TE Vernon Davis they just might. A national TV spotlight combined with Davis' calling out the Bear line as totally inferior just might create a LONG night for Alex (look out, duck! take it!) Smith and the Niners.

But let's get down to the real issues:

Rayduhs- Cheaps: This is extremely hard to call. Cheaps successfully lost at home a month ago, so Rayduhs should blow it at home this week, right? Somehow Tom "Clock 'em" Cable is still coach, probably because Al Davis has slept through the whole thing, waking occasionally to watch old videos of Jim Plunkett throwing the bomb....I'd like to see some of those, to be honest. Anything other than what is getting blacked out this weekend. I'm going with the Rayduhs taking the loss. Cassell is a better QB than Ja-Miss-It.

Titanics- Bills: Bills about to enter the Cellar Honorable Mention list, and this week will solidify their claims. Titanics feeling very good, return home on a roll, and may even get 17 first downs, cutting down their false starts to 43. Titanics roll to a....victory. 3 in a row. Posers.

Deadskins at Broncos: Could be BlOW OUT of the Week, though there's some serious competition there. Broncos very unhappy after the Monday night beat down by Pittsburgh.

Deadskins know what to do- LOSE!! They're terrible.

Bootineers at Floppers: another HEAD TO HEAD match-up! 2 in one week. Yow! Floppers lead the league in blown wins, but Bootineers, disregarding last week's aberration, don't know how to get ahead or come from behind, so Boots stay in the running for the Moldy Carpet.

Man, I'm just wasting my life, here. I love it! By they way, I had a student tell me yesterday they were having an existential crises, realized that everything was a construct, and so couldn't make their lesson.

Why do I bring this up? If I were the Lambs or the Kittens, I'd be digging deep for a really good excuse to not suit up on Sunday- how about "It thought it was a bye week"?

Lambs host the Saints!

Kittens at the Vikings!

DOUBLE BLOW OUT OF THE WEEK!!!!! 'nuff said there.

You know, there's so many bad teams, I lose track of them.

Pansies will get stomped by the Falcons, no problem, and in a scheduling cruelty,

BROWNIES host the Ravens on Monday Night. Ravens coming off a Cellar-worthy bumble but I'm sorry they are no match for the the Kings of the Bonehead Forest. Brownies deliver again to be the first team in the AFC to reach 8 losses, probably the getting the same number of first downs. All under the lights before a national audience of 37 people. But WE'LL be watching.

Gentelmen, make your PREDICTIONS!

Major Tilt Coming Up

I know it's early in the week, but I can't contain my excitement:

Raydurz-Cheaps rematch coming up!!!

Also, to answer Jim's question, I think the Niners get the Lions and the Lambs the last two weeks of the year. Could be a title deciding 'spoiler' role for the local 11. The pressure is building already. It may just be gas.

Hey!

Hey where's that admin guy? It's almost Tuesday and the standings are still last week!!

Dude, having a 90 hour a week job is just no excuse.

cheers,

Wackoworld

Statistical Leaders for Weak IX

Wow, the Deadskins really are pretty freakin’ bad, but still couldn't lead in any yardage category, well, they did lead in negative yardage due to penalties: 88.

I forgot this in the Final

Correction- the Bootineers actually got 279 yards of offense

This week’s leaders (it’s not very impressive since the Lambs, Raiders, and Brownies didn’t play):

Fewest points: - Cellar- 17 Floppers and Deadskins (Ravens lowest at 7)

Fewest first downs: 14 Cheaps and Titanics

Lowest total yards: 215 Ravens (hey they aren’t even in the league!) Tampa 279

Most Turnovers: 5 Kittens

WEAK IX FINAL

The Cellar Division Weak IX FINAL




























Cheeps Get a Horse for some blocking, but to no avail.

By doing absolutely nothing, the Lambs regain first place. Now that’s the Sheep Dip, baby!! Brownies also retain first in the AFC by spending the weekend airing out their corns. But watch out for them Cheaps.

Bootineers 38 Packers 28

Tampa Bay Bootineers WIN! Bootineers WIN! The ranks of the unvictorious are ZERO now. No perfect season in the Cellar this year, gentlemen. I guess donning the throwback unis really drove the point home and made a lot of skin crawl, because Tampa explodes for 21 points in the 4^th quarter, trampling the reeling Packers, who better watch themselves or they’ll find themselves in the BASEMENT, sipping right off the spigot of our 4-week tapped keg of Blitz, which I kept in storage for 37 years for just such an occasion. That’s the perfect Football beer, you know, based on name alone. Scoring 38 points with less than 200 yards of offense takes some serious screw-ups by the oppostion.

Also, the Boots fall to third place in the NFC division. Lambs back on top!

Titanics 34 O-&-Niners 27

The only reason my beloved O-&-Niners aren’t back in the Cellar is the Pansies lost again (admittedly to the best team in the league, the Saints), and they have a worse point differential. Another week of this kind of play, and with error prone Alex Smith at the helm anything is possible, and baby they’ll be back.

Titanics get only 14 first downs but score 34. That’s a lot of gift fumbles and interceptions. Honestly, the Titanics are the best bad team in the league, and may just climb right out of the Cellar in the next 4 weeks. They were still good for 8 penalties, most of which were offsides drive-killers. They aren’t out of Bonehead Forest yet.

Ok so much for Winners. Too bad for them. The Kittens, bless their little furry hearts, cough up a game to the Seahags (Seahags avoid entrance into the Cellar by the skin of their beaks) after racing out to a 17-0 lead, with QB Matt Stafford completing 5 passes to Seattle, including the game killing final pick returned for a 61 yard TD in the waning moments of this bleak affair in the land of Twilight. Maybe they should go play baseball in Forks! It couldn’t get any worse.

The Floppers, still flying under the radar in the Cellar, keep on losing despite leading in almost every game they play. Yesterday’s 27-17 stumble-loss to the Pats is no exception. These guys are leading the league in games blown. It’s gotta hurt down there in Miami, even if the humidity and the heat keep your joints happy. And there’s nothing like a happy joint…Ricky Williams must be thinking about that right about now. No Ricky, No! Just go lick a frog instead.

Wow, the Deadskins really are pretty freakin’ bad. 10 penalties for 88 yards. Atlanta came out and chewed them up and it was over by halftime. Nothing else to say here, move along.

And YES! My guys, the Cheaps, win the fewest first downs battle this week, getting only 14 with a time of possession of 23:47. Oh, wait they tied with the Titanics. Oh, well. It’s only because the Brownies didn’t play. Hey they still LOST, though and THAT’S WHAT COUNTS. Cheaps have now lost 475 out of 477 or something like that. I know it’s closing in on more than two seasons with only 2 wins.

AAAAAAnd that's the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!

Deadskins 3
Atlanta 34

Cheaps, 10
Jacksonville 24

Floppers 28
New England 27

Bootineers 10
Green Bay 45

Pansies 10
New Orleans 34

Kittens 14
Seattle 13

Titanics 9
San Francisco 10

Oracle From the Basement Weak IX

The Oracle Predicts...
Bootineers are headed for Davey Jones' Locker as Packers make Swiss cheese of tthe Tampa defense


Last week was just so-so for the lone voice from the basement. This week, the Oracle goes out on a limb:

Deadskins 20
Atlanta 14

Cheaps, 10
Jacksonville 40

Floppers 28
New England 10

Bootineers 14
Green Bay 36

Pansies 17
New Orleans 24

Kittens 24
Seattle 3

Titanics 10
San Francisco 14

Brownies, Lambs, Raydurz get a rest, but I predict each will commit three turnovers.

OK, gang, weigh in on your predictions!

Lamb Shanks still top of the bottom

At first, I thought it was all over when The Lambs beat The Kittens. I was gutted to watch as The Bootineers strolled into first place besting my muttons by a full game. However on closer inspection, I am optimistic. I had put too much focus on the win/loss column and overlooked the real numbers that still spell dominance by The Sheep. No one has scored less or given up more points than the team collectively known as The Rack of Lamb. And no team has a worse giveaway/takeaway ratio. The Lamb Shanks are clearly in the driver seat for the moldy carpet award this year. I will be watching the rest of the contenders this week as the Yews are idle. But I'll know that I'm riding a winner into the loser's circle so far. We're b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ack.

Head to Head So Far

I realize, looking at this stat sheet, that the key to winning and losing this Cellar Division lies in the head to head matchups and the remaining schedule. The teams with the least number of Cellar Division foes have the BEST chance of losing the most games, but will have less tie-breakers. Also having the WORST record against Division rivals solidifies your pathetic flaccid place in the pantheon of paltry play.

So far, the Cheeps have gone 1-3 losing to Raydurz, Seahags, and the Lambs. Their only win was against the Deadskins. They have the Brownies and Raydurz to come. The Cheeps and Deadskins have the MOST Cellar games of anybody in the league (6).

Tampa is 0-1 with 3 more on the schedule (Flops, Pansies, Hags)

Lambs are 1-2, with the Hags and Titanics coming up

Kittens are 1-1 with Hags on Sunday and Brownies week 11.

Titanics, Brownies and Flops are all 0-0 in head to heads.

Deadskins are 2-3 with Raiders still to come.

Raydurz are 1-0 (Cheeps) and have 3 to go

Hags are 1-0 (Lambs 28-0) with 3 to go.

Pansies are 2-0 (not gonna get it done that way) with Flops and Hags remaining. Pansies last 4 games are: Pats, Vikes, Saints, NYG- ouch!

Weak IX Kittens-Seahags

Kittens at Seahawks (Seahags) is really a head to head Cellar matchup, because I think the Hags need to be inserted into this league! This is a terrible game. Too bad they don't play them outside in the wretched Seattle weather on a rock hard turf field. They ought to play this game out in Pullman, WA in the dark. Hell, even the WSU Cougars won't play there- they're down in San Antonio, playing Notre Dame (!!) hunting for Texas Cougars for the coaching staff. Maybe playing outside would toughen up these weenie Hags, although it sure hasn't helped the Kittens. Outside or not, the rest of the NFL is going to have a hard time keeping Detroit from the Cellar Crown of Moldy Carpet.

But, if the entire NFC West didn't get to play each other, I don't know where these guys would be except LEADING THE CELLAR. The Cardinals are in first. HA!!

And, check this out, Detroit plays everybody in the NFC West this season. They just lost to the Lambs in the matchup of the worst teams in NFL history (thank you Michael Rosenburg), but still have the remaining 3 to lose to. Sweep the NFC West, and somehow fall to the BROWNIES in Weak XI, they're GOLD.

I'll be back with an update on the Head To Head matchups.....

Worst of the NFL Matchups

Before we move backward, here is a link to a wonderful review of the worst matchup in NFL history, Weak VIII Lambs vs. Lions: http://www.freep.com/article/20091101/COL22/91101039/1319/Comical-loss-to-Rams-was-another-classic-Lions-folly

OK, gang, post your predictions and opinions.

Here are the matchups for Weak IX

Deadskins at Atlanta (Will need at least 3 turnovers to lose)
Cheaps at Jacksonville (Blowout of the week)
Floppers at New England (no .500 this week, Floppers!)
Bootineers at Green Bay (Davey Jones' locker time, Booties)
Pansies at New Orleans (ow, I can't watch)
Kittens at Seattle (Seahawks belong in this division, Kittens are mad)
Titanics at San Francisco (Revitalized Niners could make Titanics 1-8)

Brownies, Lambs, Raydurz get a rest.

Cellar Division Weak VIII FINAL

Break up the Lambs!

Well! The Cellar Division rose up and gave their beleaguered cities a respite from ignominy and shame yesterday.

The Panises won. The Floppers won. The Titanics won. The LAMBS won. That's the most victories in one week yet this year!! In the most anticipated game so far in the Cellar Divison season, the Kittens and the Lambs duked it out in Detroit, with the Lambs pulling it out on a Stephen Jackson 25 yard sprint late in the fourth. With one minute left in the first half, the score was 3-2 Lambs. Gotta love that. First win in more than a YEAR for the Lambs- see you November, 2010 for the next one. The Lambs are still ahead of the Kittens in the loss column, but the Bootineers stumble into first in the NFC Cellar without even having played a game. Now THAT'S perfect.

The Pansies win 34-21 because Cardinals QB Kurt Warner forgot which team he was on and completed five passes to Carolina, and fumbled once. Pansies pick up +6 in the Takeaways column. (They are in danger of exiting the league, with the Seahawks at 2-5). Floppers get only 10 first downs but win on two wild kickoff returns for touchdowns. No hot dog for Jet's Mark Sanchez. The Titanics lose all sense of reason and start Vince Young and look what happens- the end of a perfect season. Damn pushy owners and their didactic bossy ultimatums- we want Kerry Collins! And not to be forgotten, the Raydurz literally stumbled their way to another defeat (at least somebody around here knows how to lose) losing to the Chargers 222-0. Oh, wait that was Cumberland Gap vs. Georgia Tech back in the 20s (that's a real score, by the way). Raydurz pile up 81 yards passing, with Ja-miss-it Russell going down 5 times in sacks, with the last one coming on a 'pick' play which worked perfectly- both receivers ran straight into each other and went down, leaving Russell with the option to eat some grass. The Keystone Cops couldn't have drawn it up any better.

BLOWOUT/LOSER OF THE WEEK: Brownies 6, Bears 30. Now, that's not two field goals- the Browns actually scored a touchdown- but got the kick blocked. Cleveland takes least first down honors for the week with 9. That's getting to be a regular thing with them. They also snag a tie for league lead in turnovers with 5 yesterday. This puts them firmly in FIRST in the AFC Cellar this week, floating up to the surface of Lake Erie, bobbing there, quietly.

Fewest Points: Brownies 6

Fewest First Downs: Brownies 9

Fewest Total Yards: Floppers 104 (and the WON)

Most Turnovers: Brownies 5

The Standings WEAK VIII

NFC

W-L PF- PA TA/GA

Bootineers 0-7 96- 203 -2

Lambs 1-7 77- 221 -7

Kittens 1-6 113-205 -4

Pansies 3-4 128-166 -8

Deadskins 2-5 96- 123 -8

AFC

Brownies 1-7 78- 209 -10

Titanics 1-6 114-211 -8

Cheeps 1-6 105-181 +2

Raydurz 2-6 78- 201 -10

Floppers 3-4 176-177 -6

These guys are worse: Seahawks (2-5), Buffalo (3-5)

aaaaand that's the view from the Basement!