THE BEST NAMES IN PRO FOOTBALL
We all do it. There
you are, innocently watching a football game, without a care in the world
(football viewing, as we know, is totally calming and causes viewers zero
stress), when the announcer tells you the name of the guy who just got called
for holding and you think– “what? That
can’t be his name. What parents would
name their kid D’Brickashaw??" When you
realize he’s a gigantic offensive tackle who is, in fact, like a brick wall, he
becomes one of the best names in football.
But, Shirley, that’s rare.
How many oddball names can there be in football? Think again!
Some names are perfect football names, some sound like they should be in
another line of work, some- some you just know the nickname machine never stops
in the locker room, and some are just plain fun.
For today, the Doormat Division expands its roster to the
entire NFL to bring you our list of the Most Amusing, Unusual and Appropriate
Names in Football.
THE BEST NAMES:
1.
D’Brickashaw Ferguson, T, Jets. Still #1, just try and run through this guy.
Almost like “A Boy Named Sue” kind of deal.
2.
Barkevious Mingo, LB, Browns. We had our eye on Barky clear back in college
and we’re proud he made it to the big time, because the NFL needed this
name. And how can you not love a
linebacker whose name sounds like a mischievous wild dog? Plus your sidekick in
a western on psychedelics?
3.
Phil Loadholt, T, Vikings. At 6’8”, 345lbs, I’ll bet he’s a Loadholt,
and can fill up a XXXL suit pretty fast. How can you not be a lineman with this name?
4.
Obum Gwachum, DE, Saints (6’5”, 246) Sasquatch
really should have come up with a better alias.
It’s kind of obvious.
5.
Ndamukong Suh, DT, Dolphins. Yeah, you’re just used to him, now. But, face it, this names sounds like a destroyer
of worlds.
6.
Whitney Mercilus, LB, Texans. Another great linebacker name. It may not be Dick Butkus (the absolute “Boy
Name Sue” name), but it’ll do.
7.
Baccari Rambo, S, Bills. If they’d just slip a ‘d’ into Baccari, we’d
really be in business here.
8.
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Packers. If you get needled about your name in the
locker room, how do you respond? You
can’t say “ha-ha, very funny.” Or maybe
it just escalates to “I’ll show YOU ha-ha.”
Also, a “ha-ha” is a sunken fence, so I like how he’s the hidden
D-fense, lying in wait, in the secondary.
9.
Hroniss Grasu, C, Bears. This is what happens when you try to say ‘yes
sir, your honor’ when you’re already tipsy at the law court Christmas party. Of course, this is most likely a perfectly fine name from another culture, so I
should just shut up. Have another
mimosa?
10. Aaron Ripowski, FB, Packers. His stiff-arm will take your HEAD OFF.
11. Jadeveon Clowney, LB, Texans. Maybe if he was “Ja’sad Clowney” he’d be
farther up the list. Missed opportunity,
really.
12. Vontaze
Burfict, LB, Bengals. After you get
clocked by this guy a couple times, you definitely fall into a vontaze, and some guys have to find a bucket and burfict.
Or maybe it’s a
condition. “vontaze burfict.” Perhaps he had it when he was born (it’s not
serious, wears off in a couple weeks), and the doctor filled it in the wrong
place in the chart, and things just snowballed from there.
13. Brian Anger, Punter, Jags. Get mad
at that ball. Kick it to
Hawa’ii! Remember all the doubters! Get pissed!
Kick ‘em to the curb! Kick ‘em to
the MOON. Punt! Punt! Punt! Punt!- whoa,
sorry.
14. Chad Slade, G, Texans. I hope his hair is to his butt and the heavy
metal is louder than bejeezus at his place.
If his first name was ‘Char’ it’d be pure gold.
15. Ray-Ray
Armstrong, LB, Raiders. His nickname is
‘Bob.’
16. Danny Woodhead, RB, Chargers. I don’t think we have to worry about
concussions for Danny.
17. K’Waum Williams and Tramon Williams, DB,
Browns. Oh, confusion. A coach has had to have this happen: Hey K’mon, c'waun over here for the next drill!!
18. Boom
Herron, Tank Carradine, Boobie Dixon, Ziggy Hood, Tyler Shatley, Tank Carder, Fozzy Whitaker, Cave Braxston- all solid football names. Although maybe we shouldn’t have Fozzy block
so much. He looks unsteady.
19. Hebron Fangupo, DL, Chiefs. I’m not going anywhere with this. I just love this name.
20. Golden
Tate, WR, Lions. Every time, every time, I hear the announcer call
his name, I yell back a the screen “That’s GOLDEN STATE.” Geez, get it right.
21. Jake Stoneburner, TE, Dolphins. If that doesn’t sound like OVER 5%
Neanderthal, nothing does. I’m 3.9%
myself, and proud of it. All the
band-aids for the knuckle dragging is kind of annoying, but I’m used to it.
22. And then, there’s the Kitchen Team, led by, of
course, Ishmaa’ily Kitchen, with Piere Garçon waiting table, Le’Ron Hamm on
entrée, and Junior Galette dishing up pastry.
These guys are all on the ‘Skins. Should they finally change the team name, I
nominate “The Fats.” Think about it-
Washinton Fats. If they can pull off
some trades, they could get Frostee Rucker, Cyril Lemon, Corey Lemonier
(pronounced lemon-yay), Orie Lemon, and
Jaquiski Tartt! Jaquiski is a 49er. I gotta get a local bakery on this.
23. Jaquiski (and also Jovorskie Lane) brings up a
most welcome development in the wild first name derby by our much appreciated
African-American community- who are hands down the improv kings. Sure they sprinkle in apostrophes like
cayenne in the eggs, but when you reach the point where your first name looks
like a polish last name, you are
really getting somewhere in football names.
Could Ja’warski Legurski be coming soon?
24. Chris Banjo, S, Packers. Since most wide receivers are trying to get
away from safeties, and most people try to put some distance between themselves
and any banjo, this is perfect.
25. Ego
Ferguson, DL, Bears. “Ego, it’s a team game.
Team.”
26. Christian Ringo, DT, Packers. No list is complete without at least one
Beatles reference- didn’t Ringo Starr star in “The Magic Christian”? Please
tell me his parents knew this.
Well, I’m sure I missed a few, so
don’t hesitate to add to the list. Have a fabulous Football Weekend, or if you are keeping busy by giving birth on Sunday, please don't chicken out- GO FOR IT when the moment for the name comes. GO WILD!!!
{we would like to add that we love a well-turned phrase, and any name that sounds like it should be in a Dickens novel is very high on our list. We make our humor with a lot of appreciation for those with the most unique names, because it would be a very boring world if we were all Joe Brown. And how would Joe Brown feel if we were? I hope no one takes offense, and can join in the fun.-ed}
aaAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!!!!!!
-wacko
