BROWNS TAKE OVER THE AFC LEAD!!!!

BLANK HELMETS 27,  CRAVENS 33

Never, ever count the Cleveland Browns out of a Doormat contest.  Pow! Blam! KaBlam!  BOOM!!

With :04 seconds left on the clock, and the game tied, the Browns commit their entire oversized line to blocking for a 51-yard field goal attempt, and completely fail with such art that the kicker shanked it hard left and caromed off the line and into Raven safety Will Hill's hands, who takes it all the way down the left sideline, with Cleveland kicker Travis Coons getting trampled in the stampede, and hits the end zone for a Kick-Six TD with no time left on the clock.  KaBLOOEY!!!

What an amazing finish, considering Baltimore QB Matt "Let me lose this for ya" Schaub had just connected on a ghastly interception at the Craven 48, setting up the Browns for the game-winning field goal try.

But NO.  Browns fans are still trying to find the will to leave the stadium, even in the freezing cold and even though they really don't ever want to come back.  They're just going freeze to death right there.  I cannot, cannot, believe the lengths the Browns go to to just flat out kill it on the football field.  The Titanics are just going to have try even less if they want to be Doormat champs this year, because the BROWNIES are livin' the Moldy Carpet.

The Cravens tried, no doubt about it.  They started Matt Schaub- two fabulous interceptions.  2-11 on 3rd down...but the Blanks had the special team double bonus-  give up a the first punt return for a TD, and end the game on a blocked FG try for a TD.  BOOKENDS of Bumble.   The Browns also buried Johnny "Coach I was drinking milk and cookies" Manziel on the depth chart and nearly blew it with backup QB Austin Davis coming in for McCown and looking better than any of them, and nearly won the game.  Luckily, he burned 30 seconds at the end of the game doing what god only knows, but he took the ball after all that time burn and slid inbounds to force a timeout and make it so the field goal had to happen NOW.   Whew- disaster avoided.  

There they are, fans of futility, our Brownies rule the roost. 2-9 and in First place in the AFC Division.

 DOORMAT EXCELLENCE!!!!

-wacko

TWELFTH WEEK: BURSTING WITH BOOBERY !!

WELCOME MAT ON THE PATIO

It is time to welcome the newcomers, because they don’t appear to be leaving.   The Dallas Cows: 3-8 and looking like a real contender, now that Tony Romo broke his collar bone again. 

I saw the play.  Honestly, I wish the tactic of lifting and slamming a guy to the turf would stop being a technique they teach for sacking QBs, since most of them, at that point, are more than willing to hit the turf.  Football is an entertainment for paying customers, and they’d really rather see Tony Romo playing in a game instead of getting carted off the field.  His backup is Matt Cassel, for lord sakes, and I’m not ponying up my hard won wages on the ranch to watch that kind of boobery, unless I’m ensconced in the basement pulling for the loser to lose again. It really is like the fans don’t matter.  Or I should say, only YOUR fans matter, which is pretty darn stupid. Slamming a QB down on his shoulder means you want something bad to happen to that shoulder.  Period.  And, might I add, if TV money is the only money that counts, why does it cost so much to watch a game from the nose bleed seats?

End of rant.

Also busting into the basement with some real authority are the Philadelphia Feebles, a college offense getting its butt kicked in the NFL.  Stop pretending it’s not happening.  It doesn’t work.  Stop handing the ball back to the other team in 5 seconds.  But hey, it’s our gain, so Coach Chip, keep up the good work.  And bringing up the rear are the New Orleans Ain’ts, where old, hidden paper bags, a little greasy from the fried chicken and other extremely tasty foods that grace the shores of the Mississippi in those parts, are coming out of the trunk.  Welcome back guys, it’s been a while.  

Let’s check the standings, and then skewer the games:

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 12

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Whiners      3-8           152 - 271

Cows          3-8            204 - 261
Lambs        4-7            186 - 230

Kittens        4-7           230 - 288

Feebles       4-7            243 - 274

Ain’ts         4-7            261 – 339

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      2-9            203 - 257

Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Chargers     3-8           244 - 307

Cravens      3-6            226 - 249

Dolphins     4-7           225 - 287

Gaguars      4-7            236 - 299

THE LEADERS:

WHINERS 13,  CARDINALS 19

Let’s face it, no matter how helpful the Cardinals were yesterday, it was no dice against the worst team in the NFL.  Right down to coming up with an extra point doinking off the right upright with 2:36 left in the game, keeping the game tantalizingly close at 19-13, the Cardinals were just NOT going to lose this game.  In fact, they were sabotaged by the refs on their final drive.  An dubious roughing the passer penalty, which was just a clean sack, on a critical third down and then the capper- interfering with the ref by players on the 49er sideline, on a well defended bomb by Crudinal QB Carson Palmer.  The ref grazed the arm of a 49er standing in the restricted zone. Next time, at least knock the zebra to the turf, dude. In fact, throw in a body slam! That’s 30 extra yards to a team trying to give the ball back to the Niners.  

But this is what terrible teams get- refs start LOOKING for stuff that the better teams (as in mediocre) don't get called for.  It’s like the whipping boy in 3^rd grade- same guy always gets blamed for everything (13 penalties for a measly 81 yards).  It’s only fair- if your line has problems, when they try to play inspired ball, you get flagged for more penalties.  The Niners are this team. 
So Carson Palmer ends up running in the winning touchdown, nearly ending his season with an awkward ball spike and sprawl into the photographers.  Dainty.

Whiner QB Blaine Gabbert racked up over 300 yards, but went 0-9 (O-4-niners!) on third down conversions, and came up with the killer sack on the final drive, ending all hope at Levi stadium (shouldn’t the seat covers be denim?) p.s.  Niners wore their black “we’re not the Niners” uniforms.  They didn't really need to do that.   It's pretty obvious.

BROWNIES VS. CRAVENS (MONDAY NIGHT)

Our AFC leaders (yes I know the Titans lost, but we wait for this game) face off tonight in a Prime Time MNF Doormat Extravaganza that is not to be missed, if you even remotely appreciate the finer points of terrible football. 

The Brownies have tried everything, short of winning games, but to no avail- but this one is going to be tough. It’s at home, where Cleveland fans are used to being handed humble pie on any given Sunday, but Johnny Foosball is putting down the shot glass and, I think, will actually win a game for Cleveland. I’m going way out on a limb. This will vault the Titanics (2-9) into unchallenged first place.  But let’s not run off half-cocked, give the Cravens their due- they can lose any game at any moment anywhere.  No matter how close a game is, they can make it look like a 20 point deficit.   It’s gonna be a wild wild wild total STIFF of a game.  I sure hope it’s Chris Berman and Jon Gruden on this one, because they will have a FIELD DAY.  EDGE TO LOSE:  CRAVENS

DOORMAT ALERT:

BROWN AND NINERS PLAY EACH OTHER ON

DEC. 13^th

TITANICS 21, RRRRAIDERS 24

Where do you go when you’ve lost three in a row and you have no one to turn to?  Memphis!  The Raiders, despite fumbling the ball repeatedly, got outfoxed by Marcus Mariota, a rookie guiding his team with confidently thrown late interceptions that are driving the Titanics straight to Davy Jones’ Locker. 

COWS 13,  PANTHERS 33

The Panthers are really good, and the Cows made sure they looked it.  Cows TIED FOR FIRST with the Niners.  It’s a damn shame these two old rivals aren’t facing off late in the season for NFC Doormat bragging rights.  

FEEBLES 14,  LIONS 45

The Feebs have Mark ‘Hold and Sack’ Sanchez at QB, and that pretty much takes care of that. The Feebs held the ball for a meager 22 minutes, while the Lions had it for almost 38. The Lions have won three in a row- that’s just wrong. Doormats DO NOT win 3 in a row. What with the Packers (next week) in a huge slump and the rest of the schedule looking lighter every minute, the Lions could have…dare I say it- an absurd shot at the playoffs.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are just sinking into a muck so deep it’s like the malarial swamps that used to grace the Philly shores back in the early days, when Ben Franklin was coaching.  Both teams are 4-7 but headed in drastically different directions.  However, Feebs still only one game out of first in the All-Doormat NFC East. Good GRIEF. 

GAGUARS 25, CHARS 31

Just when you think you’ve got the system down, you’re the worst team in the AFC, you have to play Jacksonville, and you get schooled.  No team, except of course for Cleveland, can crush a home crowd more efficiently.  In the playoff hunt at kickoff time yesterday, the Gags find the way to give Char QB Philip Rivers 4 TD passes and still lose the game.  The Char’s usually successful game plan finally foiled, the Gags fall to 4-6 and stay in the Basement with us.  Whew, that WAS CLOSE.

AIN’TS 6,  TEXANS 24

Remember when the Toxins were 1-4?  And looked hopeless?  Pull that sticker off and slap it on the Saints!  Drew Brees doesn’t throw a TD pass for the first time in forever, and the Saints fail to score a TD for the first time since Louis Armstrong was running the town.

Can we pull the Fleur-de-Lys trunk out of storage mom, can we? I wanna decorate.  

LAMBS 7, BENGALS 31

The Bungles may have lost two in a row, but fat chance they were going to lose this one, not with the Lambies pulling out their Big Play Two Ply Defense!  I don’t know about YOU, but I think maybe Lamb coach Jeff Fisher really isn’t a coach.  He’s just a testy guy scowling his way through the NFL until somebody notices he was originally hired to run the washing machines.  Somewhere along the way, he grabbed an extra clipboard, stole a headset, and here we are.  The Lambs are BACK!  Wrap me in wool, baby, it’s gonna be a loooooooooong, cold St. Louis winter.

SPECIAL 12^th WEEK HONORS:  The Entire NFC East has a losing record, thanks to the Deadskins beating the Giants yesterday.   5-6 gets you First Place.  There’s still 5 games to go, so it’s a long way to the finish line, but we can hope they keep it under .500 all the way.  Duke it out, guys!!!

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12

Points:                6                Saints

First downs:        14              NOLA, PHI, DAL     

Turnovers:   apple cinnamon

Turnovers (int/fum):   4/0     Steelers

Total Yards:        210            Cowboys

Yards Allowed:  538             Seahawks (and they won)

Punts:                 10              Patriots

Total Punts:        18              Pats-Broncos

3^rd Down Conv:  0-9             49ers

Sacked:               6-40           Eagles

Penalties:            13/81, 49ers;  12/95     Bears, Bucs

aaaaAAAaAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!

Turkey is in the Fridge but Fresh Ones Expected for NFL Week 12

The leftovers are in the Doormat 1988 Hotpoint "Admiral" fridge--which is chugging along at 53 deg.--and we are all looking forward to those turkey, cranberry sauce, Havarti cheese, and mayo sandwiches. I like to put a layer of leftover yams (which were cooked in marshmallows and brown sugar) on my sandwich. Now it is time to turn our attention to the a big NFL weekend because there are some fresh turkeys--talking about games here--in the offing.

Arizona is expected to feast like carrion on a dying San Francisco season. 49ers are rocketing to the bottom after an impressive, methodical, get everything wrong every time dismantling of what was supposed to be a dynasty. Our hats are off to what is probably the worst NFL organization--and team--of 2015. 

The Thanksgiving clashes also had a lot to offer. The Philadelphia Eagles showed they could spread out the spread with the hurry up and lose- spread offense. Eagles hang onto ball for 22:49 minutes, keeping the defense on the field long enough to let the surprising Lions score 45 points. In classic doormat style, Eagles notch a meaningless touchdown with 3:02 minutes on the clock to take an impressive 45-14 loss. Lions have won three in a row and we may have to kick them out of the basement. They have been here so long we have a sliver and blue stool for them at the bar. Meanwhile, everyone wishes they had taken the Pheebles this year.

Not to be outdone, Cowpies serve up a stinker and the Panthers crush Dallas 33-14. This game may turn out to be the Turkey of the Week. Romo leaves the game after re-injuring his shoulder, so the  Cowpies will not be getting out of the basement this year and are now a solid contender for the Moldy Carpet.

And Green Bay continues it's swan dive, losing to a weak Chicago Bears 17-13 in a doormat quality performance. What's with the Pack, anyway?

And now we move on to the doormat predictions for the rest of week 12 in the NFL:

Arizona- 35
San Francisco- 7

To ease the pain we post a baseball photo from a game where the Giants beat the Dbacks 8-2. Memories, memories, memories...

St. Louis- 14
Cincinnati- 22

Oakland- 27
Tennessee- 26

San Diego- 21
Jacksonville- 25

New Orleans- 28
Houston- 33

Baltimore- 16
Cleveland- 20

New York Giants- 17
Washington- 15

New York Jets- 17
Miami- 13

And, wow, Tampa Bay and Indianapolis are both at 5-5 so this is technically not a doormat game, but it feels like one because the Dolts are mired in mediocrity this year and the Boots--who have a rookie named Jameis who is on fire right now--are on the rise but feel ready to stumble. So the Oracle predicts:

Tampa Bay- 24
Indianapolis- 21

The Oracle has spoken! Gentlemen, make your predictions.

WEEK ELEVEN BLOW OUT BLOW UP BLOW IT

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 11

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA
Whiners      3-7           139 - 252

Kittens        3-7           185 - 274

Cowboys    3-7            190 - 228

daBares       4-6           214 - 251

Deadskins   4-6           221 - 253

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Titanics      2-8            182 - 233

Chargers     2-8           213 - 282

Cravens      3-6            226 - 249

Dolphins     4-6            205 - 249

Gaguars      4-6            211 – 268

THE ABSURDITY OF IT ALL

What’s it say about your league when the Deadskins are only one game out of the Moldy Carpet chase and yet are simultaneously solidly in the NFC playoff hunt?* There are FIVE teams in the NFC at 4-6, and all of them have a shot at making the playoffs.  Over in the AFC, it’s even more dramatic, as 5-5 gets you the wildcard right now.  This means if you are 3-7, you can still dream of Moldy Carpet glory and a Parity Division entry into the NFL Playoffs, where you could even BEAT somebody with a losing record.  The NFC East and AFC South have the chance to wind up with a champion with a losing record. Woo-Hoo!

* What it says is that the Doormat Division is taking over the NFL, and they really should do things our way now. 

And speaking of doing things our way….

BENGALS 31, CARDINALS 34

Sure it was close.  Sure it was a last second loss to another division leader.  Sure.  Do you think the fans in Cincinnati are listening to that?  This is the team that went 22 years without two years in a row with a winning record.  After last week’s total stumble against the Toxins (who, actually, look like they’ve had enough of being a really crummy team, thank you), the Bungles rack up another loss, this one far more galling, and, after interviewing a few Bungle fans, believe me, they wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t win another game all season.  Bungles are our Throwback Doormat of the Week. They get the Barcalounger on Thursday.

LIONS 18,  RAIDERS 13

Ah, it was just three short weeks ago the Raiders were in the rarified air of 4-3 and looked like everybody’s new young exciting team.  Yesterday at the Kat Box the Raiders and Lions- the two worst teams of the last decade- tried valiantly to give the game to the other team for the entire 4^th quarter, and it wasn’t until the Raiders committed a hold in the end zone for a safety that the Lions cried uncle, and took the win. 

The Silver and Blacked Out have made some necessary adjustments, and now whatever ‘mo’ their offense had 3 weeks ago has been completely frozen in space. Wow! Offenseive coordinator Bill “Musty” Musgrave has really dialed it down to zero on the planning and imagination axis. 3 straight losses, each with less offense, and with the defense having problems covering anything on the corners- bubble screens, tight ends, cheerleaders- opposing teams just need to, uh, take advantage.  The Lions nearly did. Give Detroit some credit, though, as the Raiders fumbled three times, and the Kittens didn’t recover a single one.  Lions fall into 3-way tie for first, trailing the Niners, who have a far worse point differential.

EAGLES 17,  BUCS 45

The Bucs, coming off their gritty 10-6 Doormat grapple (and win) against the Cowboys, run into a buzzsaw in Philly, completely unprepared for the Feeble’s big play defense.  The Eagles “D” (emphasis on the quotation marks) drew up open lanes every where the Bucs turned- huge runs of 84 and 58 yards in the first half, wide open receivers in alarmingly close end zones, piling up a rookie record 5 TD passes to 5 different receivers for Bucs QB Jameis Winston.  The Bucs win two in a row for the first time in 2 years.  The Feebles are still only one game out of first in the NFC East.  Har!

CHARGERS 3, CHIEFS 33

For a while it was entertaining losing.  Char QB Philip Rivers would rack up 300+ yards and still lose.  That’s now over.  The Chars get broiled by the Chiefs, and get only 149 yards passing, and do nothing all day for the home fans.  Clearly they are already in ‘stretch run’ mentality, are bearing down with laser focus on racking up losses and nobody is going to stop them.  It’s really a shame the Browns are not on the schedule.  That’s your Doormat AFC Championship game right there.

DEADSKINS 16, PANTHERS 44

Well, that was a piece o’ cake.  It was trouble in the 1^st quarter, as the Panthers gave the ‘Skins a bomb for a touchdown and greased the field for a 99-yard kickoff return, but they were just goofing.  After, that, the ‘Skins took charge and kept the first downs to 9, fumbled FIVE times, losing four, and just laid a bomb on the Panthers that nobody could withstand, even if you are undefeated.

49ers 13, SEAHAGS 29

The Whiners amassed 38 yards in the first 28 minutes.  It was so boring Seahawk fans nearly forgot to try to drown out the canned crowd noise. A Seahawk team that has trouble doing much of anything is guided to 508 total yards by an increasingly experienced Doormat 49er defense.  This was a professional, workmanlike missing-on-all-pistons loss.  Niners move into tie with Lions for first place.  The big game will be December 27^th at the Kat Box.  They should be 3-11 by then, though they have to play the Browns, which could be serious trouble.  Niners finally clear 100 points in point differential,  139-252 (113). 

DOLPHINS 14, COWBOYS 24

Oh, Tony Romo’s back, and that pretty much ends the Doormat party for the Cows.  The Flops, at 4-6, are coming on with gusto, but have a rough schedule ahead with the Jets, the Ravens, the Giants, the Chargers, and the Colts all posing tough challenges to nail down losses.  They’re going to have to pull out all the stops to lose all of those.  I don’t see it happening.

RAVENS 16, RAMS 13

I’m pretty sure the Ravens thought they had this in the bag. Trailing 13-3 entering the 4^th quarter, the Cravens can’t withstand the Ram collapse and run off 13 straight (somewhat straight) points, kick the game winner (curses!) with 00:00 on the clock.  Cravens, now 3-7, drop 3 places in the AFC standings.  Tough luck, guys.  But Joe Flacco is out for the season, so next week’s massive game with the Browns now looks less difficult.

TEXANS  24,  JETS 17

No matter what these guys do, they keep winning games.  QB Brian Hoyer, already a pretty good Doormat QB, goes down.  They stupidly release bumbling QB Ryan Mallett (who couldn’t even find the team plane), but sign ol’ Doormat friend T.J. Yates...and kaboom! They win three in a row.  They just can’t do anything right.  16 punts in this one….SNORRRRRRRRRRRRRRE

THIS WEEK’S LOWS

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 11, 2015

First Downs:       9        Redskins, Dolphins

TURNOVERS:  5       Redskins

Total turnovers   7        Colts-Falcons

Points:                3       Chargers

Total Yards:        186   ‘Skins

Yards allowed:    521    Eagles

Penalties:        10/137   Ravens

Sacked By:         6-48   Vikings

Punts:                 8       Jets, Texans, Rams

Total Punts:        16     Jets-Texans

3^rd down conversions:  1-10   Dolphins,  2-11  Niners

aaaAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!