CARDINALS 16, PANTHERS 27
In a game of How Low Can You Go, the Phoenix University Crudinals limbo'd themselves right into the astroturf in yesterday's Doormat Playoff. 76 total yards is the season low for all football games in the NFL this season, and they saved it for the playoffs. The "Team Without a QB" did so much more yesterday. 9 punts, 8 first downs, 3 fumbles (1 lost and still looking), 2 interceptions, and it was like the Panthers were playing against themselves..which could STILL result in a loss.
Both teams were putting up their worst efforts yesterday for the whole first half. Cardinals punter Drew Butler, though, starred with two punts that travelled about as far as I can throw a kelp on a miserable rainy beach in Oregon in January. Actually, they went 20 and 28 yards. The Panthers had no chance- they scored twice.
Up 10-0 with a chance to put the boot down, Carolina holds the Cards to their 3rd 3-and-out. Up steps Mr. Butler again, who pulls off a phantom blocked punt- he spun around perfectly to look for the ball- except against all his expectations, he actually got off a real boomer....33 yards. But wait! Way down at the other end of this epic boot, Pampers returner Brenton Bersin kneels before the bounding ball for absolutely no reason (unless he belongs to a new sect of the Church of Latter-Day Punters), it bounces off his knee (Hail Mary full of turf!) and the Cruds land on it. Somehow, with a magnanimous 15 yard penalty from the Pansies, the Cruds stumble into the end zone (even though the receiver actually had his back foot out of bounds nobody bothered to mention it), and pull to 10-7.
The Pampers then countered with a missed FG. Cruds reply with a punt. Pampers punt back. Take that. Cruds punt AGAIN, but Butler steps up and lofts another shorty- 31 yards. 1st and ten at the AZ 34 yard line. Come ON, Panthers- the Cruds really want YOU to have this game.
HA! Panthers QB Cam Newton throws directly to where his receiver was completely not looking whatsoever (man, the WR's spin move and feint at being in the play was Oscar-worthy) and Cruds DB Antonio Cromartie makes the pick and rumbles 50 yards to the Carolina 17. The Cardinals then did something very, very rare. They made positive yards and got a first down! On 1st and goal at the 1, though it looked like the capper- Cruds RB Marion Grice fumbles at the goal line and the Pampers take over. But NO. Grice really did score.
Good God, the Cards, who were doing absolutely nothing, were ahead 14-10. However, the Panthers really just can't play that bad, they couldn't keep it up, and eventually Cam (Ow) Newton will make plays, as will the running backs. The Cards, on the other hand, went all out after halftime. They got 6 yards of offense for the whole half. SIX!! Not even the Jets can top that.
They did score, though, on the next to last play of the game- the Panthers took a knee in the end zone for a safety. This is becoming a Doormat thing- the last minute safety. For a real cool final capper on season, for really no reason at all, except one, the Cards pull off a multiple lateral play that started at the 33 and ended at their 9- helping bring the total offense down to that magic 76 yards. Is that Doormat All-Star or WHAT? Wow.
So, in the end, the Panthers defense comes out looking stellar (let's just see how stellar that is next Sunday in Seattle or Green Bay), and Cam Newton gets another chance to alternate throwing amazing darts and sailing flailers. Flailers. It's a new word.
Coinage of only the best words for the best the Doormat has to offer. I'm sorry to tell you this, peeps, but the Panthers are now 8-8-1, and don't have no losing record no more.
Godspeed to them next week, in our Doormat Quest to land a team with a regular season losing record in the Super Bowl. Turn up the flame! Burn, baby, burn!!
aaaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!
