NFL WEEK 12 WORST STATS

NFL WEEK 12 WORST STATS

LEAGUE LEADERS

Interceptions/TD passes:  14/5   DeShon Kizer, CLE-  (tops in both categories among starters)
Interceptions have really dropped off the last few weeks.  14 is really not all that impressive, but Kizer didn't get to start every game.  But...22 often wins the INT Title for the year.  There is still time.  

Sacks:  43 Jacoby Brisset , Colts
Lowest Passer Rating:  57.6,  Kizer, CLE
Fewest YDs per game:  162  Trubinsky, CHI

MOST PUNTS:   63, Brad Wing, Giants.  Moving past SF, IND, JAX all at 62.  

Lowest Net Punt Avg.:  37,  Wing, Giants


NFL WEEK 12 WORST STATS
In this week's stats, note the Jags, who still are tied for their division lead, had the most turnovers, worst 3rd down conversion, and punted 8 times.  Watch them to miss the playoffs if they keep this nose dive up.

OFFENSE
Points:  3                      Bears
First Downs:  7             Giants  (Bears 8)

Total Yards:  140          Bears
Rushing Yds:  6           Bears
Passing:  86                 Giants
QB Rating:   31            Savage, Texans
3rd Down Conv:  1-12  Jaguars
4th Down Conv:  0-2    Bears
Red Zone Conv:  1-5    Chargers     (Bears 0-0)   
Turnovers: 3                MIA, TEX, PITT, JAX
INT:  2                         MIA, TEX, PITT, TENN, CHI, COWS
Fumbles/lost:  2           Jaguars
Sacked: 8/31               Colts
Fumble six given:  1    Jets, Bears
Pick-six given:  none!!

DEFENSE:
Points:    35               Jets,  Bears       
Total Yards:  516       Bucs (515 Cowboys)
Pass yards:  434        Cows
Rush Yards: 198        Dolphins
No Sacks:  0              Lions, Bucs, Colts, 49ers
Penalties for first downs:  5   Ravens (and only 7 total penalties),  Dolphins
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  11-14    Bucs

Red Zone conv allowed:  5-5    Dolphins

MISC:
Punts: 9                  Giants, 49ers

Total Punts:  16      Giants-Wash
Penalties: 9-98      AZ;   7-112  NO

Total Penalties:  20    CHI-PHI

Time of Poss:  nobody even in 20:00 range.  

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!

NY GIANTS BOLD MOVE!! GENO SMITH SURFACES!!

THIS WEEK'S DOORMAT SPECIAL!!!

The New York Giants made a bold bold move yesterday, benching longtime star Eli Manning in favor of Doormat All-Star Geno Smith. Geno, who etched his name into Doormat lore in just two bumbling seasons as a starter for the NY Jets, surfaces- like an old corpse popping up in the East River on a cold, cold, cold day in November- just in time to guide the Flailing Giants into Oakland, California to see if he can't improve on the Giants negative turnover differential, which is not keeping pace withe league leaders.

 After all, in just two years as a starter, Geno sailed 34 interceptions (and 7 fumbles) compared to just 25 TD passes!  While that may not be George Blanda's single season record of 42 ints (and how he did that, I mean, WHOA), it's really only because they stopped letting him throw after a while. But, pay attention now, the Giants have NO running game, so Geno will be dropping back and throwing, so even the brick-handed Oakland defense will get some chances. Somebody call Lester Hayes and see if he has a can of Stick-Um in the garage!!!

Obviously disenchanted with Eli's tendency to not turn the ball over enough, and even worse, keeping the Gnats close enough to possibly win a game, Giants ownership had to make a move. What with boxing great Michael Crabtree out with a bruised ego, the depleted Raiders need some help, and the Flailing Giants are UP to the task.  Up Up Up and DOWN DOWN DOWN.  

Nothing less than the Moldy Carpet (and next year's #1 pick) is at stake, so siddown, Eli, we don't need your 'help' around here.

I'm more impressed than I've ever been, here in the Basement.  This is a real, true, Doormat moment.


I'll be back with the Worst Stats!  

-wacko

WEEK 12 WRAP-UP AND RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET

THE RUN TO THE MOLDY CARPET

The end is in sight, Doormat denizens, and only the hardiest survive to very VERY stale beer end that is the Doormat Division Championship Trophy.
Teams that once thought they could blow any game, anywhere, find themselves awash in the doldrums of parity, with the threat of playoff relevancy, and an opportunity for fans to witness their gridiron warriors become this year's lambs to the slaughter in the first round.
Only the determined and truly gritty will make it through the gantlet of teams giving up on the season, and manage to lose the final 5 games, and wear the Best of the Worst crown. 

Only one team will eventually hold (however briefly before needing to go wash their hands) the Moldy Carpet Trophy, and, at this writing, 5 teams still have a legitimate shot at the Doormat Championship.  With five games remaining, any team with a 5-6 record could still be champs, but let's be realistic. 5-6 is parity, and don't wave that banner at me.

It's the Browns, 49ers, Bears, Giants, Broncos, and Colts.  Let's take a look at the standings and then call the shots.  


DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK TWELVE

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         1-10         187     284      -97

NY GIANTS               2-9           172     267      -95
CHICAGO                 3-8           177      252      -75

TAMPA BAY              4-7           223      262      -39

GREEN BAY             5-6           232      261      -29

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-11        166      289      -123
INDIANAPOLIS         3-8          195      300      -105
DENVER                    3-8          197      280      -83
MIAMI                        4-7           174      289     -115
NY JETS                    4-7           228       57      -29

HUGE GAMES NEXT WEEK:

49ers @ Bears

Broncos @ Dolphins

Brownies @ Chargers

THE SHOTS:

CLEVELAND (0-11):  with Sunday's nail-biter loss against the Bengals, the Turnover Browns showed that, under the right circumstances, they might yet win a game this season. They do try. WR Josh Gordon, who hasn't played in 3 years, returns next week from purgatory. He will play WR, QB, announce the game and sing the national anthem. Not that expectations are high or anything.

The Brownouts are in the driver's seat for a perfect season, but they could win their games against the stumbling Packers(12/10) and for sure against the Bears (12/24). Still, they'd only be 2-14, tops, and that leaves only the Giants and 49ers as competition.  But they've tailed off with the turnovers (leading the league at -17 give/take) lately, and that makes them vulnerable against teams that don't score.  

Predicted finish:  0-16

SANTA CLARA (1-10):  The 49ers overdid it with the losing thing yesterday, and punching bag QB C.J. Beathard finally got knocked out of a game. Enter "star" backup Jimmy Garoppolo, who promptly throws a TD pass in the waning moments of another grindingly annoying loss to the Seahawks, causing the entire Red and Gold fan base and media in the Bay Area to elect Jimmy G to the Niner Hall of Fame with that one ray-of-hope toss.  Even if only 47 people were actually in the stadium to see it.

This much is true: if Garoppolo starts next week in Chicago against the Bears...look out.  The Whiners could win a game, and give the Giants and the Bears an opening to the NFC crown and perhaps the Moldy Carpet. The remaining schedule: Texans (danger), Titans, Jags, Rams (finish season with massive blowout).

Predicted finish:  2-14

NEW YORK GIANTS (2-9):  The Giants gave up so long ago, it was amazing to watch the Chiefs hand them a game two weeks ago. Now they have to run the table for a shot at the Moldy Carpet. But they have a shot, because this team really is mailing it in from so far away, they're about to lap everybody. The last five: Raiders, Cowboys, Eagles, Cardinals, Redskins. Raiders appear to need to get into all-out brawls before they wake up, so the Giants should toss in a couple scuffles early, and get out of Oakland with an L. The Cowboys pose a threat, because they can lose anywhere they like, and the Cardinals prefer to score only one touchdown a game if the competition would only comply.   Giants might beat the Cardinals.

Predicted Finish:  3-14

DENVER (3-8)  

The Broncos have to lose all 5 remaining games. They sure are going after it, with a hard-charging -16 turnover differential and showing little sign of slowing that down. The Raiders got their FIRST interception of the season yesterday, so you know the Broncs are dealing.  But good luck with this schedule: Miami, NY Jets, Indianapolis, Washington and Kansas City. They could win 3 of those games. Still, they managed to be sloppier and more undisciplined than the Raiders yesterday, and lately that's been hard to top. And they won the Brawl and Lose Your Cool challenge yesterday, so...

Predicted finish: 4-12

CHICAGO (3-8)

A tweak here, a bad game plan there, and the Bears could be 1-10. Interestingly, though, the Bears' 3 victories are against the Ravens, Steelers and Jaguars, none of whom have losing records. This is the Upset Team from the Doormat Division this year, and for that alone, we have to be proud of these bums down here in the Basement. Upsets are in extremely short supply this season, and if you ever hear someone say "on any given Sunday", stuff a cream pie in their face, and rub it in a little.  

daBares amassed 140 total yards against the Eagles on Sunday, and 6 giant yards of rushing offense.  So, uh, they could also lose every single game left.  

They should win this Sunday against the Whiners, Jimmy Garoppolo or not, and the rest of the schedule is this:  Bengals, Lions, Browns, Vikings.  

Predicted finish:  5-12  (edit- if you think the Browns are going 0-16, and the Bears will beat the 49ers, you are also predicting the Bears will beat the Browns.  So 5-12 it is.).  

INDIANAPOLIS (3-8)

The Puntin' Clots almost upset the Titans on Sunday, but killed off their offense for the second half, and eventually the Titans woke up and scored. The Colts have the Jags, Bills, Broncos, Ravens and Texans to finish up the grind, and they will probably wind down Frank Gore for the last 4 games, to save some wear and tear on him.  

Colts should beat the Broncos....and that's it.  Maybe the Texans, who may give up even more extensively than the Colts.

Predicted finish:  4-11

UPSETS?

Upsets don't happen very often, and, in the Basement, it's almost never. Like I said above, don't give me that "On Any Given Sunday" baloney. The worst teams never upset anybody. They just hope another bottom dweller comes to town and somehow they might stumble through to victory. Upsets are usually between middle of the road teams and dubious division leaders. Like this:

CARDINALS 27, JAGS 24

Teetering high above their usual perch, Jacksonville gets vertigo and slides down the rigging and hides in the hold and...why am I on a boat?  The Jags aren't used to leading a division, so pulling off an upset for the Cruds engineers a safe tie with the Titans in the AFC South.  Whew. Jags still have a chance to fade and miss the playoffs.

Fake Upsets

The Chiefs are the league's designated 'upset' target, having delivered an upset to the Raiders, Cowboys, Giants and Bills.  So, by the time the Flailing Giants beat the Chiefs, it didn't even count.  Just not really satisfying.  

Almost Upsets

PACKERS 28, STEELERS 31

This would have counted, had the Pack somehow pulled it off.  Without Aaron Rodgers, Gangrenous Bay plays a solid game, their shaky rookie QB settles down, and...they lose on a FG with 0:00 on the clock.  

We wait...and wait...for a real upset down here in the Basement, but on the other hand, the Moldy Carpet...it's so close I can almost smell it.  Wait.  I can smell it.  

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

Punt Fest on Turkey Day

Thanksgiving is usually a day of games that are, well, turkeys. Maybe not this year. The Vikings and Lions are actually good this year. Vikings will probably demolish the Lions, but who knows, it could be close. Chargers are improving and the Cowboys are on the way down the stairs. That might be an interesting game. The Giants are horrible and the Redskins are a zombie doormat. However, that is a long standing rivalry game so stats mean nothing. It could be a real close slug out, and the Giants might even find their third win of the year. The Oracle punts this Thursday. No predictions.

So just for fun, let's look at punts.

The leading punt team in the NFL is the Indianapolis Colts with 58 punts for 2,601 yard. They have only 3,000 yards of offense! As we all know, the more times you are punting, the more likely it is that you are leading the league in third and long, and the Colts are! The Houston Texans are tied for second with Cincinnati with 57 punts. Both teams are at 4-6 and functioning mostly as a team to beat as the good teams pad their divisional leads. However, the Jags are in 4th with 55 punts. Little stats like that might hint at bad things to come in the playoffs.

But the stat that really tells the story is Punts Per Minute of possession. Let's look at the teams playing on Thanksgiving:

Vikings (39 punts), PPM=6.2
Lions (43 punts), PPM=5.2
Chargers (53 punts), PPM=3.7
Cowboys (40 punts), PPM=5.9
Giants (55 punts), PPM=2.8 
Redskins (43 punts), PPM=5.3

If your PPM is over 5, you are doing pretty well. Below 4, you are suspicious. Below 3, OMG. The three leading PPM teams are Bengals (2.75), Giants (2.8) and Colts (2.9). Jags, by the way, have a PPM of 3.75.

Based on their punting records, the Oracle expects The vikings and Lions to have a pretty close game, the Cowboys will barely beat the Chargers, and the Skins are going to bury the Giants. But hey, these are just stats, and it's Thanksgiving, so anything can happen.

The Oracle has spoken!

WEEK 11 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11 WRAP-UP!

Just when you thought we were in the mid-season doldrums, and everybody is just a Parity League mid-level bumbler, an inspired determination emerges from the depths of the NFL, and franchises across the land, when finding themselves between a rock and a hard place in the sun, take the bull by the horns of a dilemma and make a silk purse out of a pig in a poke's silver lining by being just ingeniously flat-out worse than anybody else on the gridiron, and by day's end land with a spectacular thud in The Basement!  What a weekend!

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK ELEVEN

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         1-9           174      260     -68

NY GIANTS               2-8           162      247     -85
CHICAGO                 3-7            174     221     -47

TAMPA BAY              4-6           203     228      -25

ARIZONA                  4-6            176     254     -78
WASHINGTON          4-6            238     266     -28

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-10          150      259      -109
INDIANAPOLIS         3-7          179      280      -101
DENVER                    3-7          183      259      -76
MIAMI                        4-6          157       254     -97
RRAIDERS                4-6          204      247      -43

CINCINNATI              4-6          169      199      -30

BLOWUP OF THE WEEK
BILLS 24, CHARGERS 54
Faced with the prospect of being in the playoff hunt for several more games, possibly ending their 17-year playoff drought,the Bills pull out secret weapon Nathan Peterman, and obliterate any doubt about what the Bills are trying to accomplish here. Peterman, the 5th round QB pick out of Pitt, stepped into the fray and diced up the Charger defense with 5 interceptions in the first half! The first five possessions were INT (pick-six), TD, INT, INT, INT. That's the stuff of legend. Every pick, except the first one, was pulled off deep in their own territory, and by the end of the first half the Chargers, the team that blows leads better than any other teams in the NFL, led 37-7, and was just going to have to take a victory like a man.
The Chargers find themselves, at 4-6, in 2nd place in the AFC West, and, I'm not kidding, in the playoff hunt.

Peterman, probably in therapy this morning, needed only three more to break the NFL record, but, alas, was yanked in the second half for some guy named Tyrod Taylor.  It is true the Bills had lost 2 in a row, and looked shaky doing it, but...starting a completely inexperienced rookie in a game you could win with your regular guy out there?  

Mission accomplished.  But the AFC is a dogpile of mediocrity, and, at 5-5, the Bills need to keep getting pulverized for at least 3 more weeks to move out of the danger zone. Up next:  CHIEFS...no gimme

BROWNS 7, JAGUARS 19
0-10 and looking like 0-16, the Blank Helmets had to get back in the turnover derby late in the second half to pull out this loss, but once they bared down with 3 consecutive turnovers- the final one coughing up the ball in their own end zone to MAKE SURE the stubborn Jags would just score a stupid TD and get off the field- the game was in the bag. 
17 punts and 5 turnovers in this Doormat gem. 
Up NEXT:  THE BATTLE FOR ORANGE OHIO PRIDE-  The BUNGLES in Cincinnati!!  

CHIEFS 9, GIANTS 12 (OT)
Drunk with power from polishing off the 49ers last week (and handing them their first victory), the Giants completely under-prepare for the reeling Chiefs and end up blowing their tie for the Doormat NFC lead, and end up with a victory. Typical. They tried hard to lose the game in regulation, but Chiefs minimal yardage ace QB Alex Smith was having none of that, stalling a drive at the NY 5, and keeping it to a tie, forcing overtime.  If the Chiefs can keep this up, the entire AFC West could have a losing record in a couple weeks!

SWAMP THING
DOLPHINS 20, BUCS 30
We were calling this Swamp Thing all last week, and wowee what a game.  Dolphins QB Jay Cutler whips up 3 ints in the first half, leaves with a concussion, and was probably surprised to find out later that he is, in fact, still playing football for the Fins. "Didn't I retire?" 
17 penalties by the Dolphins, 9 for the Bucs, four fumbles for the Fins (two lost), which barely got the Bucs to score...the Fins racked up 448 yards of offense, with the Bucs allowing huge yardage plays from every angle of the field, but, yet, not enough poor defense could get these Dolphins to give it up and win. After the Bucs kicked the go-ahead FG with 00:04 left on the clock, the Floppers pulled off a magnificent multi-lateral play on the ensuing kickoff, which just kept going backwards until they fumbled it right into the end zone, and the Bucs fell on it for the final score.  Do that at home, and you are really bringing it.

BRONCOS 17, BENGALS 20
The question on everyone's mind this week was, which orange team is worse, the Bungles or the Bunks?  HEY, it's the BRONCOS!  Lowering to the occasion, the Broncos lose it at home, and now ascend into a tie for second with the Colts in the Doormat AFC race. 
Bungles can now be overconfident before their crucial game with the Browns next week.

RRRRAIDERS 8, PATRIOTS 33
4-6 and fading fast, we have some trends: Raiders receivers not named Crabtree drop more deliveries than a UPS mail sorter. The Raiders have zero interceptions this season.  They have no pass rush. They... well what did they do? They played in Mexico City yesterday, so at least their fans had to travel a really long way to drink cheap beer and witness this trip down memory lane to the bad old days...which were only a couple years ago. The Al Davis flame still burns, and the team is burying themselves.  Funny thing about winning. It's a lot more fleeting than losing.

BEARS 24, LIONS 27
Keep playing like this, and the Bears (3-7) might win a couple games and fall out of contention for the Moldy Carpet trophy.  But, they still found a way to lose at home to the Kittens, and the Giants won, so anything is possible. It's just one game. 

PACKERS 0, BALTIMORE 23
Not everybody can make the Ravens look good, but the Porkers pulled out all the stops, including the most hideous throw-back uniforms ever allowed on a football field.  Beige pants with blue and yellow tops?  The Pack played down to their attire, and flailing rookie QB Matt Hundley hurled 3 interceptions and dropped a fumble, and the Packers offense just got off the field as much as possible, and, eventually, the Ravens found a nearby end zone.
The Packers play the BROWNS in 3 weeks.  Whoa. If Aaron Rodgers isn't back for that one, the Browns are in trouble, as in perfect season is in trouble trouble.  

WASHINGTON 31, SAINTS 34
Just when you think some one will pull off an upset, just one, somewhere, the Deadskins can't do it, and, in phenomenal swirl of inactivity and blowing up, rally the Saints to victory, a 17-point swing in no time, and snatch the ring of defeat off the merry-go-round. Holy Cow.  ANOTHER 4-6 team joins the party.  

It's getting really 4-6 crowded in the Basement and out on the Patio, and the next two weeks will separate the men from the Moldy Carpet contenders FOR SURE.  We gotta hope.  I'm running out of stale pretzels.

AAAAAAnd That's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!

NFL Week 11 Predictions and Coal Chute Slides

As the NFL doormats stagger into week 11, we take a look at the 16 teams in negative territory in terms of “EXP” which means the predicted combined offensive and defensive output of a team by season’s end as compared to the average team in the 2016 season. This is a very complicated formula that accounts for strength of schedule and numerous offense and defense stats.

There are exactly 16 teams (half the league) in negative territory. A team plus or minus 10 is in the middle of Parity Junction, minus 25 means your team is marginally awfully, able to lose to just about anyone. Once you are plus or minus 40, well, you are headed for the playoffs or you are on the patio looking down the external stairs to the basement. That used to be the coal chute, I think. Slide on down! Pick up a shovel and start working. It’s cold down there. When you're finished you can have a beer and some old pizza.

Indianapolis Colts	-142.94
San Francisco 49ers	-128.78
Miami Dolphins	-109.07
Cleveland Browns	-81.51
New York Giants	-80.26
Chicago Bears	-47.93
Cincinnati Bengals	-41.38
Buffalo Bills	-38.73
Oakland Raiders	-38.05
Arizona Cardinals	-31.77
New York Jets	-30.62
Tampa Bay Buccaneers	-27.21
Denver Broncos	-25.57
Tennessee Titans	-8.69
Kansas City Chiefs	-6.73
Washington Redskins	-0.05

Wow, Dolts and Whiners and Fins are gettin' it done!  Now the Giants are clearly playing at the lowest level in the NFL right now, but their EXP is still -80, not as bad as the Browns, Dolphins, 49ers, or Colts. But remember, this is production, not wins and losses. The Giants may have a better points lost to points gained ration than the Colts, but head to head, Colts probably win. But who knows? I am going with the numbers here and predicting the Giants are going to find a way to be 4-12.

And now for this week’s predictions. Wow, the Texans are not on the list above, but boy are they losing! They definitely will be in the basement before the Fat Lady Sings.

Lions- 36

Bears- 21

Jags- 33

Browns- 10

Cards- 14

Texans- 16

Skins- 24

Saints-104

Chiefs- 20

Giants-2

Bucs- 10

Fins- 9

Bills- 21

Chargers-26

Bengals-17

Broncos-14

Pats-28

Raiders-36

Ravens- 21

Packers- 17

The Oracle has Spoken!

NFL WEEK 10 WORST STATS- THE BEST OF THE WORSTEST

DOLPHINS 21,  PANTHERS 45
Only because they took pity on them did the Panthers not put a 5-spot on the Fins.  
The Floppers are now 4-5 after last night's stinker on dry land.  Not that we're surprised, but they and the Broncos are, so far, our big turnaround teams. Better set up the aquarium in the basement. Go Fish-like Mammals!

PuntFest award of the week goes to the Chargers-Jags game, a whopping 19 punts, and a Red Zone futility of 1-3 by the Jags and 0-0 for the Chargers. No wonder it went to overtime, nobody wanted to score!  

The Bungles couldn't hang onto the ball for even 20 minutes, again, yesterday.  Two weeks in a row of sub-20 minutes is a first in the history of the Doormat Division, since we started keeping track 8 years ago.

NFL WEEK 10 WORST STATS

OFFENSE
Points:  7                      Texans,  Cowboys
First Downs:  10           Bills

Total Yards:  198          Bills
Rushing Yds:  53         Bengals
Passing:  126               Cowboys
QB Rating:    33.6       Taylor, Bills       
3rd Down Conv:  1-10  Bengals
4th Down Conv:  1-3    Cards (lots of 0-1)
Red Zone Conv:         0-3, Texans;  0-0  Colts and Chargers.
Turnovers:  4              Texans
INT:  2                         Texans
Fumbles/lost:  2/2       Bengals, Cowboys, Texans
Sacked:  8/50             Cowboys
Fumble six given:  1     Browns
Pick-six given: 0          nobody!!

Blocked Punt for TD:    0  

DEFENSE:
Points:   45               Dolphins            
Total Yards:  548      Dolphins
Pass yards:  339      Texans
Rush Yards: 298       Bills 
No Sacks:   0             Giants, Bills, Jags, Pats, Panthers 
Penalties for first downs:  6         Seahawks
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  11-14    Fins;   8-12 'Skins

Red Zone conv allowed:  5-5, Skins; 4-4  Fins;  5-7 Bills

MISC:
Punts: 10                Chargers

Total Punts:  19       Chargers-Jags  Penalties:  12/108   Seahawks

Total Penalties:  21  Seahawks-Cards
Time of Poss:  19:51 Bengals (TWO WEEKS IN A ROW!!)


aaaAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!

WEEK 10 WRAP-UP AND PUNT INTO SPACE

THE BIG GAME

GIANTS 21, 49ers 31

We couldn't wait for this game to arrive. Yesterday, me, 'Fish, the Commish, Elvis, Jimbo and Moose packed into the Doormat headquarters and, with baited breath, tuned in the TV promptly at 1:25pm.  You know, next time we need to take some snacks with us on those early morning fishing trips. If you get my meaning. If you get my breath.

The score is a lie. Think 49ers 31, Giants 6. Think 49ers 53, Giants -21. This was no contest. The Gnats...how did they even win a game? Oh, they beat the Broncos. They're in the Mariana Trench now, they're the Quitinskies of quittin-est quitters from Queens! Yes, I know they're not really in Queens. The Whiners knew they were in trouble early when 49er QB C.J. Beathard dropped back to pass and...there was a pocket.  "Hey COACH, look at this!"  He had time and a half, and his receivers were blowing past nonchalant linebackers and deferential defensive backs like it was a company picnic and the boss was the wide receiver.  Wow, great moves, Boss!  

The 49ers led by 4 points at the half- THEIR BIGGEST LEAD OF THE SEASON!!  That musta been one shocked halftime locker room. They had no answers- they were gonna win. The Giants made the 49ers look like a contender. Both teams have nearly half their original rosters on the IR, so who knows who is suiting up, but...the Giants just look like our NFC champs already, and they're doing it by just flat giving it up.

The Flailing Giants have 7 more games of mailing in to accomplish, a mountain of losing left to do, which is gonna be no problem if they don't fire coach McAdoo.  I'm checking ESPN about every two minutes to see if....nope, McAdoo is still there. Well, McAdoo or don't, this team is a W on everybody else's schedule. 

It's fun to watch a hapless team like the 49ers suddenly be laying down crushing blocks, stopping half-hearted blitzes, not punting until the 4th quarter, and throwing bombs for 83 yards to a streaking WR as if they do this every week. WR Marquis Goodwin, after catching the magnificent bomb from Beathard, fighting off a DB and scampering into the end zone, was clearly overcome with emotions and his teammates mobbed him. It was not because his team had finally had a long pass play (longest since 2005) for a TD. It wasn't because the 49ers finally were doing something right.  

It was this: He and his wife lost a child that morning when there were complications with his wife's childbirth and the premature baby did not survive. How a guy can even go out and play a football game after something like that is beyond me, though I understand going out and playing your brains out would at least be a distraction, and wow did he put in a helluva game. The Red and Gold picked a good time to win a game, however small bit of consolation it may have been. At least they did that.  

My final word on the Giants- it's curious, when you live in the Basement, to watch a team that thought they were gonna be contenders, just give up. It's hard to adjust to the dim lighting and the possum nest by the broken washing machine, but, c'mon guys, stop being so glum. You aren't special, OK? You're just like us.

Well, you know how it is with victories- Doormats usually follow it up with getting hammered the next game. But it is against hated rival Seattle, who seem to be trying to gain entry into our club. You might want to tune it in. The Whines may think they have a chance.  

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK TEN

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

SANTA CLARA         1-9           174      260     -68

NY GIANTS               1-8           150      238     -88

TAMPA BAY              3-6           173      208     -35

CHICAGO                 3-6            150     194     -44

ARIDZONA               4-5            155     223     -68

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-9          143      240      -97
INDIANAPOLIS         3-7          179      280      -101
DENVER                    3-6          166     239       -73

CINCINNATI              3-6          149      182      -33

LA CHARGERS         3-6          167     172       -5

HOUSTON                 3-6           236     241       -5

BROWNS 24, LIONS 38
There's only one winless team left- the Brownouts. They played with fire yesterday, and nearly torched their season. Hue Jackson, denied a perfect season last year, is on a mission now. Leading 24-17 in the third quarter, the Blank Helmets pulled out their secret weapon, a vicious sequence of 3 and outs, coupled with masterfully incorrect defensive alignments to slam 21 points onto the Kittens side of the scoreboard and escape the Kat Box with a hard-earned loss.  Browns QB Deshone Kizer did a Doormat all-star attempt with a failed QB sneak (not the called play) from the 2 as time ran out in the 2nd quarter, and...they couldn't line up in time for the next play and POOF!  No points.  Hue Jackson actually pulled himself out of 'resigned displeasure' for a moment there, and got upset.  COACH, calm down.  Your guys got this.  Odd stat of the day:  Browns went 4-4 on 4th down.  

COLTS 17,  STEELERS 20
The Steelers are starting to make a habit out of looking like they are going to lose, and then, yawn, getting into the kitchen and whipping up a few touchdowns just before the timer goes off. The Clots led 17-3 before waking up and punting as if their lives depended on it. And, when that wasn't quite enough, Colts QB Jacoby Brisset delivered an INT at his own 12, and the defense took it from there, getting the stunned Steelers into the endzone. But it was still only tied.  The Clots punted again, but the Steelers missed a field goal attempt, so the Colts punted AGAIN, and, with just 3 minutes to go, masterfully got the Steelers all they way down the field to kick the game winner with 0:00 on the clock. 
Colts (3-7) gain some separation from the rest of the AFC pack (3-6).  

BEARS 16, PACKERS 23
We asked for it, and we got it. The Bears can lose to the Rodgers-less Packers, and they keep their reputation intact. But it was nip-and-tuck all the way to the last play.  Bears coach John Fox is the most entertaining angry sideline coach in football. Somebody get him an agent in L.A. 

BILLS 10,  SAINTS 47
How's that song go?  "I am 17, going on 18.."  no? It should be. Two weeks ago, the Bills were 5-2. It's been 17 years since the Bills have made the playoffs. Now, after yesterday's complete dive-bomb in front of the hometown fans, they're 5-4.  How deep does the snow get in Buffalo, anyway?  

TEXANS 7, RAMS 33
There they go, our Lambies, thrashing another descending team. This elevator goes all the way to the basement, Houston. Houston did the best thing an aspiring Doormat team can do, come out of the halftime pep talk and give up 21 points in the 3rd.  Pow!

CHARGERS 17, JAGUARS 20
Does anybody blow more games at the last second than the Chagrins?  How DO they keep doing it?  Philip Rivers, the loudest QB in football, found himself in overtime, along with his teammates (more or less), and fired up a 50 yard bomb from his 10, which was intercepted, and run back to the LA 2.  But, that great new Doormat penalty play, taunting, got executed to perfection by the Jags with A. Colvin pointing his finger at Rivers (who made the tackle) and saying Nya-nya-nya-na-nyaaa-nyaaaaaa!!!  15 yards!  Still, the Jags, though they don't really know what they're doing with that winning record, couldn't blow it.  You can't against the Los Angeles Game Blowers, charrrrrging to defeat like nobody else.  

BUCS 15, JETS 10
Bucs QB Ryan Fitzpatrick avoids thinking he's still on the Jets, (or the Bills, Rams, Titans, or Texans) throws only 1 interception, and the Jets take care of the rest, airing out 7 punts and waiting until the end of the game (00:28) to score a touchdown. Is it safe?  Look out Basement, the Jets are elbowing in, like they were supposed to this year.

CARDINALS 16, SEAHAWKS 22
The Seahawks get 12 first downs, go 3-13 on 3rd down, rack up 12 penalties for 108 yards, give the Cardinals SIX first downs on penalties (season high by a wide margin), and, yet, win the game. This despite wearing the single most hideous lime green uniforms ever paraded in front of 127,278 brutalized eyeballs (assuming two per fan) with a garish neon green artificial turf background, an experience from which sane people will never recover. They are trying so hard. 

The Seahags, attempting to become a Doormat member, just can't get it right, and it's all about the second half. Watch the Crudinals and learn, boys. Hold your 2nd half output to a field goal, tops, and then punt punt punt - and if you can't hand over some turnovers, at least wait until there is less than :30 on the clock to score your lone 2nd half touchdown.  The Futile Touchdown is always a nice touch.  Maybe next year, Seahags.

BUNGLES 20, TITANS 24
Bengals lead.  Bengals lose.  Losing with :36 ticks left on the clock always makes one feel a little more Ohio Orange.  The Orange Brotherhood sweeps the weekend again. 

BRONCOS 16, PATRIOTS 41
The Broncos were 3-1 at one point.  Really.  They just keep moving up the standings.  Just one game behind the Colts (3-7) now.  They play Indy on December 14th.  Gotta keep focus.  

aaaAAAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!