Top NFL Doormat Seeds Roll Over in Epic Losses in Divisional Round

The Doormat Divisional Round on Monday, Jan. 13 had few surprises for fans as all of the higher seeded teams managed to come away with a loss--some of them in epic fashion--and now it will be Cleveland vs Houston in the AFC conference game and Washington vs Tampa Bay in the NFC battle for the basement. Unfortunately, most fans were not at the stadiums and were at home doing important things like unplugging the toilet or cleaning out the litter box.

It's Skull and Crossbones Time in Tampa Bay as they head to the Conference Finals and a shot at epic badness in the Doormat Bowl

St. Louis- 42
Tampa Bay- 6

The Houston Toxins may have polluted every stadium they stumbled into during the 2013 season, but the Tampa Bay Bootineers have been quietly numbing fans and spoiling Sundays with their own kind of skull and crossbones losses all season. This is a team that beat only Detroit and Miami and Atlanta two times this season. St. Louis, a weak Doormat with a 7-9 record (almost not a qualifying record for a doormat but they were in a strong division), was no match for them. The Bootineers managed two filed goals while punting 9 times and getting only 1 first down. The two field goals came late in the game when St. Louis fumbled two punts inside their own 10. Tampa Bay will now move to the conference final against Washington.

NY Giants- 16
Washington- 15

These two ancient rivals hate each other and always play a great game. This was no exception and Doormat fans were mostly disappointed as they saw a game without a pick-6 or a fumble for a touchdown. However, it was a great defensive battle and fans got to see a total of 13 punts. Eli Manning threw for only 6 yards.

You Can't Beat This! Weeden coughed up 4 fumbles for 21 points Monday

Jacksonville- 30
Cleveland- 13

The Gaguars were once 0-9 and there was serious buzz in the basement about and 0-16 season, but the once miracle season ended in infamy on Monday as the superior Cleveland Browns, a team without a cheerleader, showed the upstart Gaguars how its done. Brian Weeden put in a stellar doormat performance with four fumbles and three interceptions without a single 3rd down completion in the game. All 13 Cleveland points were scored on defense or special teams (two touchdowns with only one extra point). The Browns are hoping to snag Manziel in the draft this year and bring a franchise quarterback to the shores of Lake Eerie, but we all know what happens when anybody goes to Cleveland. Manziel sure does as he commented, "They play football in Cleveland? I hear it's cold on the lake." Yes it is, especially when you are wearing cement overshoes as many Cleveland fans will tell you.

But what can we say? Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam admitted in a news conference Monday that an ongoing criminal probe into his Knoxville company "has been a distraction." Really? That's why your team can't win. You are distracted? Haslam's Pilot Flying J Travel Centers have been under a federal investigation into alleged fuel rebate fraud since April 15, 2013 when a team of FBI agents raided the company's Knoxville headquarters. Now there's the problem. He owns a team in Ohio and his company is in Tennessee. OK Browns fans, time to light the Cuyahoga on fire again and burn the whole damn organization in effigy.

Meanwhile, the Jaguars will have to go home and figure out what went wrong with their season. They have knocked on the door for the Doormat Bowl in three of the last four seasons. There may be a shakeup in Jacksonville if they hope to lose big next year.

Some fans claim the Houston Cheerleaders are doping, but who cares?

Tennessee- 40
Houston- 17

It was lights out in Nashville and the Tennessee Titanics were never in it. Before the game was over Houston had fired its coach, named a new one, and benched every quarterback on the team. Word has it they are eyeballing Manziel too. And we are not surprised. Houston may have been magnificent this year, spreading a toxic cloud everywhere they go, but we all know they are like the Dolts of 2011. They won't be back. Too bad, because we have enjoyed their cheerleaders here in the Doormat Cave. Word has it they are "enhanced" but who cares?

So honk me a beer and pass the ashtray, it's time to settle in for some serious bad football this weekend. Odds are on the Toxins and the Deadskins in the Doormat Bowl, but you never know as the Brownies are truly bottoming out right now and Tampa Bay is overrated. I don't know about you guys, but the Oracle is picking Tampa Bay and Cleveland in the big game.

Gentlemen, make your predictions and comments!