Super Bowl Cancelled, Doormat Bowl Played Instead

BRONCOS 8,  SEAHAWKS  43

In an unexpected- but perfectly logical- twist, yesterday's game between the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks was declared the Doormat Bowl by Roger Goodell and the NFL. Just before the coin-flip, there was a brief huddle with officials where the Broncos petitioned to change the game's focus.  "You don't get to the Super Bowl every day, and we had a shot to be the first team to lose 5 Super Bowls, and we were gonna get creamed by the 'Hawks anyway, so it was a no-brainer,"  said coach John Fox. Seattle coach Pete Carroll, informed of the change of plans, look confused and said "Wasn't the Super Bowl two week ago?"  Carroll then put his headset back on, started slapping backs and smiling that smile that makes you just want to-  

The Broncos wasted no time getting into the swing of it on the first play from scrimmage, hiking the ball straight into the end zone for a safety. Bam! I've always thought the anemic 'first field goal' to be the sign of sure death for the team that scores the 3-pointer first in the Super Bowl, but this, THIS was something new. The Broncos strategy, clearly, was maintain as many possessions for both teams at their end of the field for the whole game. The Hawks, prepared for a game of field position and maximum punting from the Broncos, were caught off guard and only able to squeak out two field goals after the free kick and then a punt.  

Then, the Broncos really got to work. Broncos QB Peyton Manning throws a nifty INT and lands Seattle on the Bronco 37. Seahawks just can't hold off anymore and march in for the TD. 0-15.

Undaunted, with a bold minus-1 yards total for their first 3 drives, Manning musters the most tortured 8:39 drive I've seen all year, scraping out first downs so slowly I thought they were going to call an official timeout to get some more Bud Lite "Lucky Shmuck"ads in. But, not too worry, Manning couldn't take it anymore and threw up a floater to 'Hawks LB Malcom Smith who romped 69 yards for the Pick-six.  0-22 and looking solid. The Lions couldn't have topped this.  

Don't you think the Seahawks were moving awfully fast at the start of the game?

Then the Broncos had the ball again, whew, and still wanting to avoid the dreaded first-score field goal (guys it's 15-0!!),  go for it on 4th down at the Seattle 26, Manning ignores the 1-on-1 coverage of Wes Welker on the right, and throws left to no one in particular. HA. Take that, Seattle. End of Half.

3 hours later the teams emerged from the locker rooms, and fans were reminded there was a football game going on, and to please take their seats. Yes, you can take your $75 churro back to your $1500 seat with you, ma'am. Enjoy the blow-out. That's the game I'm referring to ma'am, but yes the rest room is up the stairs and to you left.

Starting the second half off with the wheeze of a deflating balloon, the Bronco-Bucky-Bucks employ the best worst kick-off strategy to a bonafide threat, they pooch kick the ball to Percy Harvin. Harvin starts his runback at the 12, the entire left side of the Bronco 'special' team overruns the play, and Harvin runs UNTOUCHED 88 yards to the end zone. 0-29!! 

OK, the rest of the game was just a masterpiece of fumbles and flailing, and the Broncos brought it home for the Doormat Division. The only blemish is when Denver scored a TD in the 3rd quarter, dashing hopes of the first GOOSE EGG Super Bowl. The 1971-2  Miami Dolphins still hold the record for fewest points, losing 3-24 to Dallas.  

0-3 on 4th down. 4 fumbles, two lost. 2 interceptions,  one for a TD. Only TWO punts,  and that means a stylish loss, no matter how you cut it.   

HISTORY? 5 Super Bowl losses is all theirs. The Bills and Vikes are still 0-4, and, yes, the Broncos have won it twice, but losing is in the eye of most recent beholder and the Vikings haven't been in the Super Bowl since 812 AD. The Bills, now, people still remember them. They flashed a shot of Scott Norwood on the screen in a pre-kickoff montage yesterday on the tube. 

The glory-grabbing Bongo-Bucks are now 2-5 in the Super-Doormat Bowl,  and their combined score in their 5 losses is 179 (opp)-58 (Broncos), or an average of  35.8-11.6. If you include their victories (if we must) the combined total is 221-123 (31.5-17.5 avg) still impressive.   

The Vikings, though, wow-  In their four bumbling stone-faced Bud Grant offense Super Bowls, their combined score is  95-34 (23.7-8.5)  That's right 4 touchdowns in 4 games.  

So, the Broncos have the most losses, but the Vikes are still the most pathetic. The Bills are just painful.   

HATS OFF TO THE BRONCOS, and extra congratulations from Mumbai, India, where the Houston Toxins and the Washington Deadskins can relax, have another chicken vindaloo and maybe play the other Doormat Bowl. If they feel like it.  

p.s.  for the first time in my life, I have single spaced the beginnings of all the sentences. So there, Ms. Mudgeon, 7th grade typing teacher, and your double space hooey.

aaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Top Doormat Seeds Squeak into Doormat Bowl

Now that the dust has settled and we know who is going to the Super Bowl, everyone wants to know what happened in the Doormat Bowl Conference Championships. Well, not a whole lot. Both games were pretty boring and it was no surprise who lost. However, before we get to the biggest losers in the AFC and NFC, let's talk about the Super Bowl in Doormat terms. Who is most likely to lose?

The first and most telling statistic to determine who will lose is simple: No team has ever won the Super Bowl that was not at least in the top five teams in its conference for total defense. To make it worse, 90 percent of the time, any team in the Super Bowl that led the NFL in defense won the Super Bowl. Now, that team has not always been there. Plenty of years the best defensive team did not make it to the big game. However, when they do, the tradition is that defense wins the Super Bowl.

Seattle had the best defense in the NFC, followed by Carolina, New Orleans, San Francisco, and Arizona. Whoa, tha NFC West really is brutal. Seattle only gave up 231 points and allowed only 990 offensive plays for opponents while holding them to an average of just 273 yards per game. I bet a lot of offenses could hardly wait to get off the field.

The best defense in the AFC was Cincinnati, which gave up 305 points, 1,042 plays, and 305 yrds per game. Houston, surprisingly, was second in defense, followed by Cleveland, Buffalo, and the NY Jets. Hmm, lots of doormats in that gang. I guess offense really is what the AFC is all about. Speaking of which, Denver was ranked 8th in defense. Not bad. But hey, not in the top five.

So Denver has to lose the Super Bowl.

But not so fast. The spread in the AFC is tight this year. Very little, statistically, difference between the 3rd and 8th worst defenses. So, if Denver has a good day on defense, Seattle just might lose this one.

And there is another interesting stat to consider. Every time the team with the highest rated offense in the NFL has played in the Super Bowl, that team has won the Super Bowl except for St. Louis in 2002 and New England in 2005. Of course, in 2002 St. Louis and New England had the highest rated offenses in their respective conferences. So what does that mean? I don't know. I need some chips and salsa and another beer.

Anyway, Denver rules the offense this year and Seattle was not even in the picture in the NFC. Unless Seattle can pull a Tampa Bay in Super Bowl XXXIIV they are in trouble.

Hey, I just noticed that Cincinnati and Houston were both in the top three in defense and top 5 in offense in the AFC. So how did Houston go 2-14 and Cincinnati look so bad in the playoffs? Here is the answer: stats don't mean squat if the players aren't up for the game. Let's face it, Houston was like a scene from Lord of the Flies this year. They were not mentally in even one quarter, let alone a game.

So I guess it comes down to this: who is up for this game? Who will emotionally prevail?

I'm betting on Denver as they look mentally there and Seattle looks a little stunned by the spotlight. But for Denver to do it, they will have to jump out to a 24 point lead by halftime. Remember Elway?

Now, for the Doormat Conference Championships, here are the results.

AFC Conference Championship

Cleveland- 3
Houston- 2

In the lowest scoring, fewest yards, most punts, and most off-sides penalties in playoff history, the Houston Texans continued to spread their toxic fumes that even Cleveland could  not overcome (and Cleveland has the Cuyahoga River).

Burn on, big river, burn on

 It was truly a defensive battle as both teams, with their superior defenses, kept both offenses inside their own 30 for almost all of the game. Unfortunately for Cleveland, they recovered a fumble on the Houston 10 yard line and after three plays from first and goal on the 1 they had to settle for a field goal which Houston refused to block. So Houston will be trying to bring the Moldy Carpet to in the Doormat Bowl.

"This team and this organization know how to lose, and so do our fans," said recently fired head coach Rod Chudzinski. "But Houston, it's like they found Dorothy's Ruby Slippers or Gollum's ring, you can't lose to these guys. It's toxic magic."

I have to admit, I was really rooting for Cleveland to lose. They have one of the finest losing traditions in football, and yet they have only one Doormat Bowl ring to their name. Instead, we have some upstart from Texas.

NFC Conference Championship

Tampa Bay- 7
Washington- 6

There were no good moments in this football game so we have substituted and exciting photo from a hockey game between Tampa Bay and Washington.

This may have been the worst game of the season, and Doormat fans were not disappointed. Tampa Bay, one of only two teams with a perfect winning season in the modern era, brought their F game to Washington, but the Deadskins, who cruised into a 3-13 finish this season and then lost two no-contest games in the playoffs, were just too little for them.

Combinded Badness:

First Downs- 7
Washington Yrds.- 175
Tampa Bay Yrds.- 250
Punts-24
Fumbles- 6
Incomplete Passes- 43
Interceptions- 8
Sacks- 13
Miscues- 49
Dissapointed Stares at Ground- 115

How did Washington do it in the face of spectacularly bad play by the Bootineers? They pulled Kirk Cousins in the 4th quarter and gave RG III the ball. With Washington in the lead 6-0, RG tossed four interceptions and, on the fourth try, Tampa Bay wound up in the end zone. Game over, no Tampa Bay in the Doormat Bowl.

This year two Doormat Legends, Cleveland and Tampa Bay, were squeezed out of the NFL Doormat Championship game by two upstarts who had no business being under .500 this year, let alone 3-14 and 2-14.

So enjoy the Super Bowl Doormat fans, and then look forward to the big Doormat Bowl game in Mumbai, India on Feb. 16. And since we will be reporting from India, you know what that means....

Enjoy your hot dogs tomorrow!