Super Bowl Cancelled, Doormat Bowl Played Instead

BRONCOS 8,  SEAHAWKS  43

In an unexpected- but perfectly logical- twist, yesterday's game between the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks was declared the Doormat Bowl by Roger Goodell and the NFL. Just before the coin-flip, there was a brief huddle with officials where the Broncos petitioned to change the game's focus.  "You don't get to the Super Bowl every day, and we had a shot to be the first team to lose 5 Super Bowls, and we were gonna get creamed by the 'Hawks anyway, so it was a no-brainer,"  said coach John Fox. Seattle coach Pete Carroll, informed of the change of plans, look confused and said "Wasn't the Super Bowl two week ago?"  Carroll then put his headset back on, started slapping backs and smiling that smile that makes you just want to-  

The Broncos wasted no time getting into the swing of it on the first play from scrimmage, hiking the ball straight into the end zone for a safety. Bam! I've always thought the anemic 'first field goal' to be the sign of sure death for the team that scores the 3-pointer first in the Super Bowl, but this, THIS was something new. The Broncos strategy, clearly, was maintain as many possessions for both teams at their end of the field for the whole game. The Hawks, prepared for a game of field position and maximum punting from the Broncos, were caught off guard and only able to squeak out two field goals after the free kick and then a punt.  

Then, the Broncos really got to work. Broncos QB Peyton Manning throws a nifty INT and lands Seattle on the Bronco 37. Seahawks just can't hold off anymore and march in for the TD. 0-15.

Undaunted, with a bold minus-1 yards total for their first 3 drives, Manning musters the most tortured 8:39 drive I've seen all year, scraping out first downs so slowly I thought they were going to call an official timeout to get some more Bud Lite "Lucky Shmuck"ads in. But, not too worry, Manning couldn't take it anymore and threw up a floater to 'Hawks LB Malcom Smith who romped 69 yards for the Pick-six.  0-22 and looking solid. The Lions couldn't have topped this.  

Don't you think the Seahawks were moving awfully fast at the start of the game?

Then the Broncos had the ball again, whew, and still wanting to avoid the dreaded first-score field goal (guys it's 15-0!!),  go for it on 4th down at the Seattle 26, Manning ignores the 1-on-1 coverage of Wes Welker on the right, and throws left to no one in particular. HA. Take that, Seattle. End of Half.

3 hours later the teams emerged from the locker rooms, and fans were reminded there was a football game going on, and to please take their seats. Yes, you can take your $75 churro back to your $1500 seat with you, ma'am. Enjoy the blow-out. That's the game I'm referring to ma'am, but yes the rest room is up the stairs and to you left.

Starting the second half off with the wheeze of a deflating balloon, the Bronco-Bucky-Bucks employ the best worst kick-off strategy to a bonafide threat, they pooch kick the ball to Percy Harvin. Harvin starts his runback at the 12, the entire left side of the Bronco 'special' team overruns the play, and Harvin runs UNTOUCHED 88 yards to the end zone. 0-29!! 

OK, the rest of the game was just a masterpiece of fumbles and flailing, and the Broncos brought it home for the Doormat Division. The only blemish is when Denver scored a TD in the 3rd quarter, dashing hopes of the first GOOSE EGG Super Bowl. The 1971-2  Miami Dolphins still hold the record for fewest points, losing 3-24 to Dallas.  

0-3 on 4th down. 4 fumbles, two lost. 2 interceptions,  one for a TD. Only TWO punts,  and that means a stylish loss, no matter how you cut it.   

HISTORY? 5 Super Bowl losses is all theirs. The Bills and Vikes are still 0-4, and, yes, the Broncos have won it twice, but losing is in the eye of most recent beholder and the Vikings haven't been in the Super Bowl since 812 AD. The Bills, now, people still remember them. They flashed a shot of Scott Norwood on the screen in a pre-kickoff montage yesterday on the tube. 

The glory-grabbing Bongo-Bucks are now 2-5 in the Super-Doormat Bowl,  and their combined score in their 5 losses is 179 (opp)-58 (Broncos), or an average of  35.8-11.6. If you include their victories (if we must) the combined total is 221-123 (31.5-17.5 avg) still impressive.   

The Vikings, though, wow-  In their four bumbling stone-faced Bud Grant offense Super Bowls, their combined score is  95-34 (23.7-8.5)  That's right 4 touchdowns in 4 games.  

So, the Broncos have the most losses, but the Vikes are still the most pathetic. The Bills are just painful.   

HATS OFF TO THE BRONCOS, and extra congratulations from Mumbai, India, where the Houston Toxins and the Washington Deadskins can relax, have another chicken vindaloo and maybe play the other Doormat Bowl. If they feel like it.  

p.s.  for the first time in my life, I have single spaced the beginnings of all the sentences. So there, Ms. Mudgeon, 7th grade typing teacher, and your double space hooey.

aaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!