Cellar Divsion WEAK XVII Wrap-Up and Disposal

Rams Resort to Playing Soccer, but Still Lose

The CELLAR DIVISION WEAK XVII Wrap-Up and Disposal

They’ve crossed the finish line, ladeeeeez and gentlemen, and….wait a minute…..I think there is, yes, folks, there’s ONE more contestant coming into view….it’s…it’s....why it’s a little Lamb!

Gracious. This is going to be far more brief than I’d like, because I sprained my thumb trying to open a can of Planters Peanuts down in the Rumpus Room last night. Then I made it worse with the staple gun as I assembled the Moldy Carpet Trophy. (I really have sprained my thumb, and this in a week when I’m being paid all week to be a studio musician. aarrg.)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE OUR CONFERENCE CHAMPS!

NFC- St. Louis Lambs 1-15

AFC- Kansas City Cheaps 4-12

AND WE HAVE A CHAMPION!!!

I don’t need to wait until the Super Bowl to call this one- it’s the

ST. LOUIS LAMBS- CELLAR CHAMP!!!!!

It’s unanimous! It’s clear! It’s pathetic!! It’s Cellar Ball played only one way- with total lack of conviction, inconsistent focus, below average skills, and low IQ coaching.

Putting the lack in lackluster

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK

Cheeps land in basement depite clobbering Denver

Kansas City, having clinched the AFC title, stops worrying about losing the Cellar and blows out Denver 44-24, with Derrick Johnson running back TWO interceptions for touchdowns, and Jamaal Charles scampering for 259 yards for the Cheaps. I’m completely shocked. These are MY Cheaps? The Lambs cannot do this. This game alone shows that the LAMBS are the hands-down Champeeeens of the Cellar.

4 WEEK SHOCKER- the Brownies. What the F___? The Brownies win their last 4, after looking like a team that had NO IDEA what to do with their lives. I admit to being educated, again, that the Cellar is a mysterious thing.

LOSER of the WEEK

TWO LOSERS THIS WEEK (really, Today, they’re ALL losers in our division):

The Bungles and the Lambs.

Jets 37, Bungles 0

They didn’t rest their starters until the halfway point of the third quarter. They got only 5 first downs. 72 total net yards. ZERO passing yards. ZERO passing yards. These guys are in the Playoffs….but not for long.

The Lambs I will cover in just a second in…

STIFF OF THE WEAK

49ers 28 Lambs 6

Do not be fooled by this score. Halfway through the 4^th quarter the score was 7-6, and it was a PUNTFEST. You know, when you are watching a puntfest, you can put the VCR on fastforward in play mode, and the form of the game is very clear. 3 blobs and a punt. Followed by 3 blobs and a punt. Oh, wait. 3 blobs, a punt, and a penalty. On one such possession, the Lambs punted and got flagged- 3 times. Finally, on punt #4, they were at their 5 yard line, and committed ANOTHER penalty, but by this time the 49ers were just plain embarrassed for everybody and took the ball, just so they could go to commercial.

20 total punts. If that is not a season high, I’ll eat my football head. I fast-forwarded through almost everything until the 4^th quarter when the Lambs did what they do so well- just gave the game away. Also, I think somebody finally got coach Singletary on the phone and informed him they were playing the Lambs, and if they wanted to score, they could just go ahead and throw the bomb.

6 first downs for the Lambs. Inaccurate passing of the first magnitude. 109 Total yards. Average gain per play…..1.9 yards. That’s getting it DONE, Cellar style. This, gentlemen, is how a champion is made.

If you ignore the last 7 minutes, the two teams were a combined 3-29 on third down conversions. The only reason there weren’t MORE punts is the Niners went for it on 4^th down a few times, as punter Andy Lee was getting a little pooped. It was UGLY, with this strange ray of light at the end, so the 49ers can go into the offseason with the lamest 8-8 record of the decade. 5 of their wins were against the Lambs (twice), Kittens, CareBears, and Seahags.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Once again, take your pick

Jets 37 Bungles 0 Jets on a roll, Bungles really in trouble

Vikings 44 Giants 7- Vikings will do damage in playoffs.

Packers 33 Cardinals 7 (and they get to do it again next week).

Cowboys 24 Eagles 0

Cheaps 44 Broncos 24

I’m going with the Cheaps. I watched it, and it was ridiculous. With the playoffs on the line, the Broncos just fall DOWN. They were TRYING. Cheaps looked like the playoff team. They did everything right.

Final Lows of the Seasons, Weak XVII

Points: 0 Bungles, Eagles

First downs: 5 Bungles

Total Yards: 72 Bungles

Rushing: 38 Bootineers (on 22 rushes) Colts 25 on 15 rushes

Passing: 0 Bungles

Turnovers: 3, multiple teams.

Penalties: 13-95 yards Giants

Time of Poss: 18:46 Bungles

Final note- Shane Lechler missed Sammy Baugh's punt record by tenths. He whacked 5 for 52.4 per yesterday, but it wasn't enough. Geez, the Raydurz can't even give the ball up right.

It’s been a gas doing the Cellar this year, guys. I know more about a bunch of teams than I ever thought possible. The teams laid down, fell down, blew assignments…they worked long and hard, but only one team can make the claim to Champion of the Cellar.

I still have to prepare the trophy.

aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd THAT’s The View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!