DOORMAT DIVISION 2013 SEASON PREVIEW

Now that NCAA Annihilation Weekend is safely over, maybe we can get on with some honest football….

The DOORMAT DIVISION SEASON PREVIEW!!!

But, before we do, kudos to the Nicholls State Colonels ('Geaux Colonels' is their motto) for being led to the slaughter in Eugene, OR last weekend and letting Oregon more than cover the point spread- the underdog by 55, the Colonels maneuver the Ducks to a final spread of 63 points.  Final Absurd Score:  66-3.  

There WAS a David amongst the Goliaths on Saturday, and we would be very remiss not to acknowledge the Eastern Washington Eagles, underdogs by 26 points,  come careening to the finish line ahead of the #25 Oregon State Beavers , 49-46.   A game with absolutely zero defense, and completely gassed young men by the end of the 4^th quarter, the Eagles pulled off the biggest upset of the weekend (based on point spread).   I watched that one, and it was very entertaining.

Amusing to think that the biggest upset and the biggest blowouts of the weekend were only about 50 miles apart in the Willamette Valley.   It all happens in Oregon.

UNLESS YOU ARE PLAYING PRO FOOTBALL

And we're back!   The 2013 season is upon us, and it's upon some teams a lot more than others.  First let's post the Super Bowls odds to make some things perfectly clear what America thinks of its money and this year's crop of craptastic gridiron goons:

SUPER BOWL ODDS 2013-14

Denver Broncos 6/1

San Francisco 49ers 6/1

Seattle Seahawks 17/2

New England Patriots 10/1

Atlanta Falcons 12/1

Green Bay Packers 12/1

Houston Texans 18/1

New Orleans Saints 18/1

New York Giants 22/1

Chicago Bears 25/1

Cincinnati Bengals 25/1

Dallas Cowboys 25/1

Baltimore Ravens 28/1

Pittsburgh Steelers 28/1

Washington Redskins 33/1

Detroit Lions 40/1

Indianapolis Colts 40/1

Miami Dolphins 40/1

Minnesota Vikings 40/1

St. Louis Rams 40/1

Kansas City Chiefs 50/1

Philadelphia Eagles 50/1

San Diego Chargers 50/1

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 50/1

Carolina Panthers 66/1

Arizona Cardinals 125/1

New York Jets 125/1

Buffalo Bills 150/1

Cleveland Browns 150/1

Tennessee Titans 150/1

Oakland Raiders 250/1

Jacksonville Jaguars 300/1

What's the first thing that pops out at you, other than your wallet, when you look at this?   I would hope its the pipe dreams of YOUR team.   If you are about to place your bets, a good one is to always lay down a small wad on one team with apparently no chance of winning the Super Bowl (or at least getting there).  The 1981 49ers were 200-1!  If I'd put down 200 dollars, I'd still be trying to figure out what the payoff was, long after I'd wasted all the money on invaluable things like pleasure.  

But nobody in their right mind would pick the

NEW YORK JETS (6-10)  - 125/1

Would they?  It's the same team, the same coach, the culture is in place, they know the ropes.  There were some classic bad moments already in the preseason,  press conferences with fumbling mumble dissembling.  Oh, boy they could lose 14 games.  Or could they GO ALL THE WAY?  Thanks to the NY press, I'm sure somebody is predicting it.   These guys should be terrible, and do it in incredible style. 

JACKSONVILLE JAGS  (2-14) –last year's record-  (300/1)

As good a bet as this looks to be the worst team in the AFC this year,  they now have 2 good wide receivers and a RB.  Should their QB learn about trajectory and geometry and other heady stuff that concerns accuracy (should an offensive line miraculously materialize in front of him),  the Jags could  stumble into at least 5 wins this year.  

Week 2:  Jags at Raydurz

Or maybe the

OAKLAND RAIDERS  (4-12) (250/1)

They got rid of Carson Palmer, that harbinger of bad things to come, and replaced him with….they don't even know who is starting.  Matt Flynn, who looks like a shoo-in Doormat All-Star, or Terelle Pryor,  who is so green he's been moonlighting as a conifer on his days off.   I think the Raydurz could lose 15 and not break a sweat.

TENNESEE TITANS (6-10)  (150/1)

I passed over the Titanics in the Doormat Draft, and I'm not sure why.   They lost by more than 30 five times last year.  Good luck shaking off that albatross in one season.

If they can stumble out of the gate and blow the first 4 games, they've got a shot at taking the Moldy Carpet Trophy.

Oh, let's cut to the chase:

The Cleveland Browns (5-11)  will be better than last year, if only because the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to lose 10 games this year, and the Brownies get a shot at beating them twice.   They may still make the 10 club, but don't freak out if they win 7 games.  They are in danger of losing the longest streak of at least 10 losses (5 years).

The Buffalo Bills (6-10)  got over their brush with respectability two years ago, and should turn in another solid year of ghastly-  actually I think they could surprise a few people.  Especially if they show up in Smolensk for a game.

The University of Phoenix Cardinals (5-11) picked up Carson Palmer off the slag heap in Oakland, and anybody from Cincinnati can tell you what that means, without even showing you the burnt #9 jersey shreds still at the bottom of their BBQ.   He's wearing #3 now, as his career dwindles down to this one last shot at proving that he isn't a Doormat Maker.  Pfft!  Roster change of 26 of the 53 players- lost 11 of their last 12.

GAME TWO critical:   Crudinals vs. Chargers

Okay, so there is most of the truly bad- who else?   Watch for the San Diego Chargers to finally completely implode.  Only thing keeping them with at least 2 victories is they play the Raydurz twice, and that's no gimme.   The Rayurz could catch lightening in a bottle and kick 4 field goals.  I can already see Philip River's frustrated mug.

Mid-level mediocre:

Of the Vikings, Bucs, Rams, Chiefs, Eagles, Lions and Panthers,  keep an eye on the Vikings, Lions and Bucs to slide right off into oblivion.  Also, don't be fooled by the Eagles if they win their first 3 games.  Last year they pulled off an amazing slide, and have a lot of the same guys around who know how to do it.  Chip Kelly gets to learn about that.  In KC, QB Alex Smith already met the stone-handed receiving corps and decided they needed to get a guy who was never open last year-  T.J. Jenkins of the 49ers.

I never believe the Chiefs are any good, and their new coach led one of the most quittin' teams in the league last year.

HOW THE MIGHTY COULD FALL:

San Francisco 49ers.  Colt McCoy is the backup.  That's all I have to say.

Atlanta Falcons-  Alarming rate of points given up in the preseason.  I don't care if it's the preseason, you shouldn't be giving up any points, first or second unit on D. 

Houston Texans- biggest pretenders in the playoffs last year.

NYG and Chicago Bears:   Both of these teams could completely fall on their faces.   Especially the Giants. 

And finally-  The Cincinnati Bengals finally had two winning seasons in a row.  That can't last.

Okay,  ready, set…….

FUMMMMMMMMMBBLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!