DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 1: SAFE!!!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION:

WEEK 1 :  SAFE!!  

AFC

Jacksonville   0-1

Cleveland      0-1

Pittsburgh      0-1

Buffalo          0-1

San Diego     0-1

NFC

Tampa Bay    0-1

Carolina         0-1

U. of Phoenix  0-1

Atlanta            0-1

New York      0-1

We’re extremely late getting our post posted here on our posting spot (which used to be an actual post down here in the Basement) but it was Week One in the Doormat Division, and my headache subsided, finally, this morning, and me an ‘Fish are now considering cleaning up the..I think that's congealed chips and cheese.  Somebody left a dog-eared Game of Thrones on the beer table (it's not a coffee table, OK?), and I've been nursing my hangover and reading that since Monday morning, and I think my 'sigil'  will have to be an exploding aorta on a field of Nachos.  That, and I got an actual job recently, and it’s really interfering with the important things I’m doing on the patio, and the next game of Acey-Deucey.  

SPEAKING OF WHICH,  maybe we should have called it WEEK DEUAX,  since a RECORD number of games started with a safety, and we had 3 scores of 2-0 early in the race, as our 350-lb lug nuts were going into the first turn, already gasping for Gatorade.

It didn’t take long for the pretenders to fall away, though, and leave one majestic steed floundering in the fog:

JACKSONVILLE 2,  KANSAS  CITY 28

When’s the last time a team opened it’s season with a safety, and then called it a day?  Probably the Decatur Staleys in 1920 (no -ed).  I’ve been 86’d by the Elias Sports Bureau (it wasn’t that bad of a fire, and it wasn’t my underwear), so I can’t check.  But I can tell you that 4 games have ended 2-0, none of which were opening day.  None more recent than 1938.  Back in the no imagination era.  No game has ever ended 28-2, until now.   The Cheaps, after their complete makeover and style session with Heidi Klum, are looking positively competitive.  Let’s see what happens next week when they play a team that isn’t stopping for a cig after the first 2 points.   We’re placing the Gaguars as the AFC favorite to win the Moldy Carpet. It’s the only respectful thing to do, after that kind of Week 1 performance. 

Tune in this week as the Gags travel to Oakland in a gritty show-down of perennial Doormats.  The Raiders should crush them, but let’s not excited.

MOLDY CARPET SPECIAL:

NEW YORK NYETS  18,   TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS  17 (safety game #2)

And  Bootineers they are, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in classic cellar style, going ahead 17-15 with :34 left on a Rian Lindell field goal, then committing  a personal foul (13^th penalty!!) with :05 seconds left on the clock, deftly moving the Nyets into field goal range at the TB  30.   Nick Folk connects.  

NOTABLE GAMES:

PITTSBURGH 7,  TENNESSEE 16

Watch out for the Shower Curtain.   Team #3 to come storming out of the gate 2-0,  the Tin Men did nothing against the Titanics, and just might continue to head for the old rocking chair on our patio.   Next week, the year-long stomping by fellow AFC North opponents begins, with a trip to Cincinnati on Embarrassing Exposure Night this coming Monday.  It’s payback time.

SAN DIEGO  28,  HOUSTON 31

For one half and a drive, I thought I’d got it all wrong.  The Chargers looked great.  GREAT.  They were stuffing the Houston Texans in all phases of the game, vaulting out to a 28-7 lead.  And then……it was vintage Char-boys.  In fact, they may have lost 5 second half leads last year, but none this huge.  Wow!  I’m not counting out this team if Philip Rivers can steer a team into such ineptitude after such heights.  He doesn’t play defense, I know, but he doesn’t have to.  That man is magic.  That and his receivers dropping perfectly thrown passes.  Boy that HAD to feel great in the stands in San Diego.  Meet the new boss......

THURSDAY NIGHT

The Jets looked up from their iPads and tiddly-wink games today and realized they have to play another game ALREADY.   The Gino Smith era continues against the Patsies. 

Patriots 35,  Nyets 2

The Rest of the Ugly Pile for Week 2

Carolina at Buffalo  -  solid Doormat contest.   Cam Newton continues to be, uh…never mind.

Jacksonville at Oakland-  biggest Doormat game of our young season.  Gags lose this                            one, and they already start mailing it in.  If they haven’t already.

San Diego at Philadelphia-  look out.  They may do their second half collapse early.

Cleveland at Baltimore-  it probably isn’t a good idea for the Brownies to play the Ravens now, but somebody’s gotta lose around here.  The Brownies know how.  

Denver at NY Giants -  Giants find out just how bad it really is.  

Minnesota at Chicago-   Yikings should be 0-2 and looking solid.  NFC North a tough division, really, and this could benefit the Yikes for a chance at the NFC Doormat crown, which, admittedly, is a wide-open race.   

aaaaaAAAAAAAAAA That’s the View From the Basement!!!!!!!