Terminal velocity is the constant speed that a freely falling object eventually reaches when the resistance of the medium through which it is falling prevents further acceleration. In stable, belly-to-earth position, terminal velocity is about 120 mph. Stable free fall head-down position has a terminal speed of 150–180 mph. Further minimization of drag by streamlining the body allows for speeds in the vicinity of 300 mph.
Well, I guess that means our Doormat hopefuls who are racing to the bottom of the league need to get into head-down position and reduce as much drag as possible to get the most impact when they reach the end of the season (ground). That could be firing coaches, benching key players, fights in the locker room, demoralizing any stars you might have, angering fans, and finally, just plain giving up.
Who has the least drag? Who has completely given up on this season? Jacksonville is the best candidate, but Oakland, NYJ, Buffalo and Phoenix (arguably the worst team in the NFL) are close behind as they all streak toward terra firma. The crater left by these teams at the end of the season could become a vacation lake in the Ozarks.
This late in the season, any serious Doormat contender needs a TQ (turkey quotient) over -6 (or is that below?). A quick look at the TQ shows only 6 teams are serious about reaching a 300 mph dive velocity:
AFC
OAK -8.3
BUF -8
JAX -7
NFC
ARI -11.9
SAN -6.5
DET -6
(Actually, Miami is a -8, but they have managed a 7-7 record. However, with a TQ like that, they should get plastered by any decent team. Their last two games are Jacksonville and Buffalo. Uh, never mind! Miami will be 9-7, might be a Wild Card, and will get plastered then instead.)
If there were a Doormat Playoffs, the seeds right now would be (remember, in this scenario, the higher seed is more likely to lose and plays on the road):
AFC
OAK 1
NYJ 2
JAX 3
CIN 4
BUF (WC) 5
DEN (WC) 6
NFC
ARI 1
NYG 2
DET 3
TAM 4
SAN (WC) 5
ATL (WC) 6
But we can look closer at that after Week XVII, for now, here are the predictions for this week's Doormats:
GNATS- 24
COLTS- 28
BAGUARS- 15
FINS- 21
PACKERS- 17
NYETS- 10
BOOTS- 24
COWPIES- 28
YIKINGS- 36
DET- 17
(Good chance Vikings make playoffs despite stumbling all season. Expect an epic flame out in a playoff game. Something to look forward to!).
BIFFS- 10
PATS- 42
FAILCONS- 10
PANSIES- 8
WHINERS- 3
DA BARES- 32
LAMBS- 46
CRUDINALS- 5
BONCOS- 27
RAYDURZZ- 21
I'm completely ready for a Vikings playoff absurdity. Why not? It's a way to achieve a long-range velocity over, say, 50 years.
ReplyDeleteI think the BAGS have maximum velocity, despite the numbers. But this weekend could increase drag. We'll see. Buffalo has, somehow, won FIVE games. It really almost defies logic. But they do have a very good defense, on alternate weeks, and that pretty much saves the day. Didn't they just demolish the Pats in Week 2 or something?
ReplyDeletethey beat the Vikings 27-6 in Week 3. OK, not THAT impressive.
ReplyDeleteuh-oh...I have to get to work. I reluctantly leave the Basement for now. Please feed the possum.
ReplyDeleteGotta go to work too, but will definitely be ensconced in the basement on game day. Good point about the Bills. Won more games than they deserve. Fins and Biffs will be a showdown, who’s serious about losing here?
DeleteI found some Bologna and stale Fritos for the opossum. Put dome cider in a dish. He’s fine.
ReplyDeletethanks...I think.
Delete