This week in the Doormat
Division:
It’s the Mediocrity Division, not Doormat. 49ers mining new vein of hideous
offense. Jets the 2013 poster
child for NFL ‘parity.’ Redskins
blow up like giant pustule.
Falcons are just terrible.
Lions return to glory days. Browns frightened by .500. The worst teams in the NFL are here to
entertain you….everybody’s terrible.
NFL WEEK 11 REPORT:
Pardon my lateness, dear readers, but yesterday morning I
awoke under the grandstands at turn 9 at the Circuit of Americas in Austin,
Texas, still clutching a shred of Pirelli tire in my hands and the acrid taste
of Sebastien Vettel’s burnout cookies in turn 11 lingering in my parched
‘kiss-the-ground-he-burns cookies-on’ mouth. I then had to beat a hasty retreat
as some thankfully overweight security personnel were trying to get my
attention. The 8 mile trek across
the Farm-to-Market backroads and cheerful gravel sprays from spirited Yahoos in
some of the biggest pick-up trucks I’ve ever seen on the way to my car in parking lot Q
was miraculous in that I only got bit once by the various farm hounds that
seemed to appear every 50 yards.
(honestly? The people of
Austin were outstanding in their
hospitality. Great town.)
Let’s get down to business:
PARITY PARTY
Someone cue Bing Crosby and Rosemary Clooney:
Parity! Parity! Parity!
It won’t be long before we’ll all be there with all that
PARITY!!
We need to stop calling this the Doormat Division. What’s really going on in this league is who can be the most
consistently MEDIOCRE. I think we have 47 teams with 4-6,5-5 or
6-4 records. Separated by only a
couple well-timed interceptions and muffed punts, the battle for the Bulge is
intense.
Bringing up the middle are the New York Jets, the first EVER
in NFL history to win-lose every other game for their first 10 games. Right? Just about lost your mind trying to pick what they are going
to do? Stop betting money on this-
you’re completely outmatched.
Show me a sports pundit with a .600 record picking winners this year,
and I’ll show you a liar.
BROWNIES 20, BENGALS 41
Nervous at the prospect of pulling to .500, and then completely terrified after the
Bengals staked them to a 13-0 lead, the Brownies implode in the 2nd
quarter- with a combination of an
interception, an 8-yard punt, a blocked punt returned for a TD and a fumble
returned for a TD. 31
points later, the Brownies duck into the locker room for halftime and some tea
some celebratory brownies and a 4-6 record. Blank Helmet football returns! But don’t bet on it next week.
KITTENS 27,
STEELERS 37
Since the Lions haven’t really changed their uniforms since
the Harding administration, the only way to join in the retro fun on Sunday at
Hines field (and the Steelers’ bumble-bee unis) was to play like their 4-12
selves of last year. Or the 0-16
of 2008. Or perhaps the 2-14 of
2001. Or the 2-12 of 1979. You get the idea.
JETS 14,
BILLS 37
Jets lost this week, so they win next week at the
Ravens. Bet the house. Bet the farm. Bet the pick-up and the hound dogs. As long as it’s somebody elses’s property.
Bills scrape up to 4-7 and almost attain MEDIOCRITY. Whoa, hey!
PACKERS 13,
GIANTS 27
The Pokers? The
Punters? The pack fall back to the
pack at 5-5! The Giants, once 0-6,
are now 4-6! It’s a wonderful world
of…. PARITY! Parity! Parity!
I’ll soon be there with Parity
I’ll wash my hair with Parity
And with a spade of Parity
I’ll build a league that’s made of teams that just can’t
get it together.
GEEZ, Can’t somebody just LOSE around here?
FALCONS 28,
BUCCANEERS 41
Yes. The
Falcons can absolutely lose to anybody. Yesterday nailed it down. Bucs now
sliding toward mediocrity (shocking development). But they’re playing the Lions next week, so if things go to
form, they’ll get trounced.
Falcons in FIRST in Doormat NFC 2-8).
JAGUARS 14,
CARDINALS 27
Yes. Gags return to form after taking care of getting their
one win for 2013. 8 punts, 2
interceptions, Bob’s your Uncle, LOSE.
Cardinals hit the dangerous 6-4 mark. More than 2 games over .500 and you get a league fine, and
nasty call from Commisioner Goodell’s secretary, doing her best Fran Dresher
voice. The Cards have Indy next
week, so I don’t see why they can’t blow that one.
YIKINGS 20,
SEAHAWKS 235
Yep. Now you know why Leslie Frazier doesn’t really want to
play Christian Ponder. King of the
Blind Interception. This man is
Doormat Gold. Vikings a solid
loser (2-8). Josh Campbell nowhere
in sight.
TOXINS 23,
RAIDERS 28
Only the Toxins could withstand being punted at 11 times and
still lose. 20 total punts, a
league high this year. 4th
string Raiders QB Scott McGloin looks like the second coming of Kenny Stabler,
and takes this year’s award for Out of Nowhere Hero QB. How can you have the best D in the
league and be 2-8? The Toxins know
how, but it's top secret.
See what’s happening here? I have to write about every damn team in the league! Good grief, only the Jaguars have a properly embarrassingly large point differntial (189). I haven’t even mentioned the completely
disintegrating Washington Deadskins.
What a disaster area that locker room is. I can imagine the disappointment, falling to 3-7 and not being mediocre. It’s like turning up the lights too bright at the Night of
Joy (if you know what I mean).
Where’s Ignatius J. Reilly when you really need him?
HONORABLE MENTION:
49ers 20,
SAINTS 23
For the second week in a row, the Niners turn in the worst
offensive performance of the week. Colin Kaepernick looks like Alex Smith out there, throwing dink passes and rifling the ball into the ditch. At least Smith has stoned-handed
receivers in KC (whew where did they get those guys?). 2.3 yards and a cloud of
chardonnay and pot smoke in San Francisco. Pass the brie.
DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 11 STANDINGS
NFC .
W-L PF-PA
Atlanta 2-8 214-292
Tampa Bay 2-8 187-237
Minnesota 2-8 240-320
Washington 3-7 246-311
NY Giants 4-6 192-256
AFC .
Jacksonville 1-9 129-318
Houston 2-8 193-276
Buffalo 4-7 236-273
Buffalo 4-7 236-273
Cleveland 4-6 192-238
Baltimore 4-6 208-212
aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!
