DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15 WRAP-UP AND TURKEY SPREAD FLIP

THE MAST GALLING THING IN 49ER HISTORY:

THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY SPREAD 

MASSIVE UPSET:

49ERS 26, SEAHAGS 23 (OT)

A monkey got off everybody's back in Santa Clara yesterday. The 49ers, against all expectations, finally beat the Seattle Seahawks after 10 straight losses. They flipped the Thanksgiving spread! Whiner fans remember all too well the infamous 2014 Thanksgiving Day defeat to the Seahags, because of the turkey and dressing spread at the 50-yard line, right on top of the 49ers logo, set up by NBC with Michele Tafoya chatting it up with Russell Wilson and the hated Richard Sherman (now a 49er), and Sherman gnawing on a turkey leg. It's been gnawing at 49er faithful ever since.  I watched that game, and honestly was stunned that nobody came out of the 49er locker room and flipped the table. I sure would have. It would have been great theater, as well.

Those of you in an east coast bubble, the Seahawks and the 49ers is a juicy rivalry, and yesterday was massive for the 49er psyche. They celebrated like they'd won a playoff game.  And it might as well have been for this team with a season of dashed expectations.

49er practice squad QB Nick Mullens has another solid game, and the 49er defense turns in the 2nd straight game of tough D. The Seahawks were playing for their chance to clinch a playoff berth, but instead came up with 148 yards of negative yardage on 14 penalties.
Whiners fall out of first place tie with Arizona, and now have four 5-9 teams barking at their heels.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Arizona         3-11        192     367     -175

Santa Clara    4-10       301     373      -72

Tampa Bay    5-9         344     403      -59

Detroit          5-9         284     333      -49

NY Giants      5-9         307     348      -41

Atlanta          5-9        356     381       -25

AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         3-11      260      418      -158
Jacksonville   4-10      225      289      -64

NY Jets          4-10      292      359      -67

Buffalo          5-9        215      333      -118

Cincinnati      6-8       337      413       -76

GIANTS 0, TITANS 17
After two straight wins, and faced with the possibility of becoming relevant outside of the Basement, the Giants turn the Flounder Factor up to 11 and drop a goose egg on the unsuspecting Titans, who must muster on in the terrible vortex of playoff aspirations.

BROWNS 17, BRONCOS 16
The Blank Helmets scrape out yet another victory, this time against a dubious opponent who consistently make dubious coaching decisions that seem really...what can I say? The Brown Bombers ooze to 6-7-1, and eliminate any chance of their spending the winter in the Basement, where 10 losses is the pre-requisite. GOOD GOD, they could end up with a winning record. But let us not be hasty, as a guy named Treebeard once said.  Fill your pipe with Southfarthing leaf, and ruminate on the magical thinking of another Brownie victory over the Bengals next week.  A sweep on Cincy hasn't happened since cheese was invented.

LIONS 13, BILLS 14
No stiff is too boring to make more of a stiff for the Lions this season. Even when your opponent appears to be wearing red pajamas, and sipping hot cocoa, the Lions can find a way to lose, so matter how low the score. 14 first downs, 7 punts, and another day at the Freezer in Buffalo results in the Pajama Men winning their 5th game.  Both squads now 5-9, and teetering on the TEN CLUB membership.  2 weeks to go.  Who can achieve greatness?


CARDINALS 14, FALCONS 40
The Cardinals, that's who.  Greatness awaits this collection of self-inflicted wounds and miscues that masquerades as a football club. The Moldy Carpet is there for the taking. 

Breathe deep, the gathering gloom (cough what's that smell?)
Watch lights fade from every room (hey Marge, the TV is broken)
Bedsitter people look back and lament (if only we'd played better on 50 or so snaps, we woulda won)
Another day useless energy is spent (do we really have to play this game?)

Yes, they did, and they thrashed the Falcons, a team in major tailspin mode, and spun them right back to thinking they are achieving victory and greatness!  The Crudinals didn't score until it was safely 40-0, and no one was looking. 7 punts, 7 sacks, 6 geese a laying this egg, 5 golden opportunities completely bungled, 4 mis-called plays , 3 french fries (cold), 2 cigarettes and the Moldy Carpet on the wall.

UNDERDOG OF THE WEEK!

BAGUARS 13, REDSKINKS 16
The invisible man, Josh Johnson, got his first ever win in the NFL, after 7 years of waiting for another chance.  Josh!  You won!  And who else but the Baguars could provide the opportunity. Take it and run, Washington footballers!!  Jacksonville does it again in front of their slack-jawed home fans.  What a slide, what a debacle, and they still have a shot at winning the Doormat AFC. Wow.

CHARADERS 16, BUNGLES 30
What do you do when the worst defense against the run, and rather suspect defense all around comes to town?  You do the football limbo and see just how low you can go.  Rushing yards for the Oakland Tankers: 68, with 1 first down by the run.  13 total first downs. 5 sacks by a team that can't sack groceries (boy was that original), and two lost fumbles.  3-11 and looking like Doormat Champions.  The Kairse O' Chucky lives on...right on the sidelines.  Very unique curse.

BUCS 12, RAVEN-POES 20
The Bucs are still coming on hard, checking in with yesterday's low in first downs, 12, tied with Miami, and assiduously avoiding the end zone after the opening TD, sticking to field goals, and sticking the Ravens with a win.  5-9 and in the hunt, but let's be realistic. Nobody will catch the Cardinals now.  Not even if they wear Barney pajamas and helmets that look like gummy bears.  Don't tell the University of Oregon's uniform designers I said that.  Please.

THE TEN CLUB

So, far only a select few, but the Jags got there this week, as did the Jetskis.

RAIDERS      3-11
CARDINALS  3-11
49ERS         4-10
JAGUARS    4-10
JETS           4-10

And a veritable flotilla of 5-9 teams, teetering out on the patio, trying to survive another night by the dying embers of the grill.  Buck up!  There's another game to play next week!

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

TWELFTH WEEK: BURSTING WITH BOOBERY !!

WELCOME MAT ON THE PATIO

It is time to welcome the newcomers, because they don’t appear to be leaving.   The Dallas Cows: 3-8 and looking like a real contender, now that Tony Romo broke his collar bone again. 

I saw the play.  Honestly, I wish the tactic of lifting and slamming a guy to the turf would stop being a technique they teach for sacking QBs, since most of them, at that point, are more than willing to hit the turf.  Football is an entertainment for paying customers, and they’d really rather see Tony Romo playing in a game instead of getting carted off the field.  His backup is Matt Cassel, for lord sakes, and I’m not ponying up my hard won wages on the ranch to watch that kind of boobery, unless I’m ensconced in the basement pulling for the loser to lose again. It really is like the fans don’t matter.  Or I should say, only YOUR fans matter, which is pretty darn stupid. Slamming a QB down on his shoulder means you want something bad to happen to that shoulder.  Period.  And, might I add, if TV money is the only money that counts, why does it cost so much to watch a game from the nose bleed seats?

End of rant.

Also busting into the basement with some real authority are the Philadelphia Feebles, a college offense getting its butt kicked in the NFL.  Stop pretending it’s not happening.  It doesn’t work.  Stop handing the ball back to the other team in 5 seconds.  But hey, it’s our gain, so Coach Chip, keep up the good work.  And bringing up the rear are the New Orleans Ain’ts, where old, hidden paper bags, a little greasy from the fried chicken and other extremely tasty foods that grace the shores of the Mississippi in those parts, are coming out of the trunk.  Welcome back guys, it’s been a while.  

Let’s check the standings, and then skewer the games:

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 12

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Whiners      3-8           152 - 271

Cows          3-8            204 - 261
Lambs        4-7            186 - 230

Kittens        4-7           230 - 288

Feebles       4-7            243 - 274

Ain’ts         4-7            261 – 339

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      2-9            203 - 257

Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Chargers     3-8           244 - 307

Cravens      3-6            226 - 249

Dolphins     4-7           225 - 287

Gaguars      4-7            236 - 299

THE LEADERS:

WHINERS 13,  CARDINALS 19

Let’s face it, no matter how helpful the Cardinals were yesterday, it was no dice against the worst team in the NFL.  Right down to coming up with an extra point doinking off the right upright with 2:36 left in the game, keeping the game tantalizingly close at 19-13, the Cardinals were just NOT going to lose this game.  In fact, they were sabotaged by the refs on their final drive.  An dubious roughing the passer penalty, which was just a clean sack, on a critical third down and then the capper- interfering with the ref by players on the 49er sideline, on a well defended bomb by Crudinal QB Carson Palmer.  The ref grazed the arm of a 49er standing in the restricted zone. Next time, at least knock the zebra to the turf, dude. In fact, throw in a body slam! That’s 30 extra yards to a team trying to give the ball back to the Niners.  

But this is what terrible teams get- refs start LOOKING for stuff that the better teams (as in mediocre) don't get called for.  It’s like the whipping boy in 3^rd grade- same guy always gets blamed for everything (13 penalties for a measly 81 yards).  It’s only fair- if your line has problems, when they try to play inspired ball, you get flagged for more penalties.  The Niners are this team. 
So Carson Palmer ends up running in the winning touchdown, nearly ending his season with an awkward ball spike and sprawl into the photographers.  Dainty.

Whiner QB Blaine Gabbert racked up over 300 yards, but went 0-9 (O-4-niners!) on third down conversions, and came up with the killer sack on the final drive, ending all hope at Levi stadium (shouldn’t the seat covers be denim?) p.s.  Niners wore their black “we’re not the Niners” uniforms.  They didn't really need to do that.   It's pretty obvious.

BROWNIES VS. CRAVENS (MONDAY NIGHT)

Our AFC leaders (yes I know the Titans lost, but we wait for this game) face off tonight in a Prime Time MNF Doormat Extravaganza that is not to be missed, if you even remotely appreciate the finer points of terrible football. 

The Brownies have tried everything, short of winning games, but to no avail- but this one is going to be tough. It’s at home, where Cleveland fans are used to being handed humble pie on any given Sunday, but Johnny Foosball is putting down the shot glass and, I think, will actually win a game for Cleveland. I’m going way out on a limb. This will vault the Titanics (2-9) into unchallenged first place.  But let’s not run off half-cocked, give the Cravens their due- they can lose any game at any moment anywhere.  No matter how close a game is, they can make it look like a 20 point deficit.   It’s gonna be a wild wild wild total STIFF of a game.  I sure hope it’s Chris Berman and Jon Gruden on this one, because they will have a FIELD DAY.  EDGE TO LOSE:  CRAVENS

DOORMAT ALERT:

BROWN AND NINERS PLAY EACH OTHER ON

DEC. 13^th

TITANICS 21, RRRRAIDERS 24

Where do you go when you’ve lost three in a row and you have no one to turn to?  Memphis!  The Raiders, despite fumbling the ball repeatedly, got outfoxed by Marcus Mariota, a rookie guiding his team with confidently thrown late interceptions that are driving the Titanics straight to Davy Jones’ Locker. 

COWS 13,  PANTHERS 33

The Panthers are really good, and the Cows made sure they looked it.  Cows TIED FOR FIRST with the Niners.  It’s a damn shame these two old rivals aren’t facing off late in the season for NFC Doormat bragging rights.  

FEEBLES 14,  LIONS 45

The Feebs have Mark ‘Hold and Sack’ Sanchez at QB, and that pretty much takes care of that. The Feebs held the ball for a meager 22 minutes, while the Lions had it for almost 38. The Lions have won three in a row- that’s just wrong. Doormats DO NOT win 3 in a row. What with the Packers (next week) in a huge slump and the rest of the schedule looking lighter every minute, the Lions could have…dare I say it- an absurd shot at the playoffs.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are just sinking into a muck so deep it’s like the malarial swamps that used to grace the Philly shores back in the early days, when Ben Franklin was coaching.  Both teams are 4-7 but headed in drastically different directions.  However, Feebs still only one game out of first in the All-Doormat NFC East. Good GRIEF. 

GAGUARS 25, CHARS 31

Just when you think you’ve got the system down, you’re the worst team in the AFC, you have to play Jacksonville, and you get schooled.  No team, except of course for Cleveland, can crush a home crowd more efficiently.  In the playoff hunt at kickoff time yesterday, the Gags find the way to give Char QB Philip Rivers 4 TD passes and still lose the game.  The Char’s usually successful game plan finally foiled, the Gags fall to 4-6 and stay in the Basement with us.  Whew, that WAS CLOSE.

AIN’TS 6,  TEXANS 24

Remember when the Toxins were 1-4?  And looked hopeless?  Pull that sticker off and slap it on the Saints!  Drew Brees doesn’t throw a TD pass for the first time in forever, and the Saints fail to score a TD for the first time since Louis Armstrong was running the town.

Can we pull the Fleur-de-Lys trunk out of storage mom, can we? I wanna decorate.  

LAMBS 7, BENGALS 31

The Bungles may have lost two in a row, but fat chance they were going to lose this one, not with the Lambies pulling out their Big Play Two Ply Defense!  I don’t know about YOU, but I think maybe Lamb coach Jeff Fisher really isn’t a coach.  He’s just a testy guy scowling his way through the NFL until somebody notices he was originally hired to run the washing machines.  Somewhere along the way, he grabbed an extra clipboard, stole a headset, and here we are.  The Lambs are BACK!  Wrap me in wool, baby, it’s gonna be a loooooooooong, cold St. Louis winter.

SPECIAL 12^th WEEK HONORS:  The Entire NFC East has a losing record, thanks to the Deadskins beating the Giants yesterday.   5-6 gets you First Place.  There’s still 5 games to go, so it’s a long way to the finish line, but we can hope they keep it under .500 all the way.  Duke it out, guys!!!

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12

Points:                6                Saints

First downs:        14              NOLA, PHI, DAL     

Turnovers:   apple cinnamon

Turnovers (int/fum):   4/0     Steelers

Total Yards:        210            Cowboys

Yards Allowed:  538             Seahawks (and they won)

Punts:                 10              Patriots

Total Punts:        18              Pats-Broncos

3^rd Down Conv:  0-9             49ers

Sacked:               6-40           Eagles

Penalties:            13/81, 49ers;  12/95     Bears, Bucs

aaaaAAAaAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!