Doormat Division NFL Week 4 Wrap-Up and Punt in the Thames

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 4

NFC

                                      W-L                     PF-PA

N.Y. GIANTS               0-4                      61-146

TAMPA BAY               0-4                      44-70                   

ST. LOUIS                    1-3                       69-121             

WASHINGTON            1-3                      91-112

PHILADELPHIA          1-3                      99-138

AFC

                                       W-L                    PF-PA

JACKSONVILLE           0-4                     31-129

PITTSBURGH                0-4                     69-110

OAKLAND                     1-3                     71-91

N.Y. JETS                       2-2                      68-88

BUFFALO                      2-2                      88-93

Phoning it In

The Doormat Division held its annual gridiron exhibition in London yesterday,  which is more than appropriate as London is one of the last places on earth where you can still phone it in and not get your call traced.  Ah, those red boxes, though flashy, remind us of a time when you could make phone calls and nobody knew you made them- the glory of anonymity.  Is Rollo there?

STEELERS 27, VIKINGS 34  

And, boy, wouldn’t the Reelers like some anonymity right now?  Honestly, these two 0-3 teams put on a very entertaining show in London yesterday.  Pretty good offenses, and light defense.  But, the Shower Curtain came away with the loss to remain a perfect 0-4.  The Yikings unveiled Doormat All-Star Matt Cassell at QB yesterday, and this is always the crazy wild card in the game of losing-  the guy off the bench.  Inexplicably, Cassell turns in the best game he’s played since he was playing for the Patriots- and that team was so good a 12-year old could have had a great season as their QB.   Nobody saw this coming.  Steelers still have an offense, but it’s all Big Ben, and he now has to try too hard because their defense is the Shower Curtain (with the shampoo for fluffy hair), and here come the turnovers at the critical moments. 

BOOM!  Reelers in first place tie with Jacksonville in the AFC.  That’s some heady company. 

JAGUARS  3,   COLTS  37

But let’s not get carried away about the Reelers.   The Gaguars are ALL ABOUT the Moldy Carpet, and yesterday was no exception.   205 yards of total offense,  3 interceptions, nine penalties, 14 first downs (kinda high) and 3 points.   And even the points had Doormat style, as the Gags get the classic opening drive field goal, and then shut it down for the rest of the day.  Stellar.  Blaine Gabbert was back at the controls for the Jags, and nothing could give you more confidence for pulling out the L.   Averaging a stingy 7.75 points a game, the Gags are on pace to set the all-time record.  If they can go 0-16 and average under 9 points a game, they’ll be the worst team of all time.   The Big Time.

The Jags have their own Doormat Special in London later this season (it really is a Doormat affair!), but next week is the challenge- the LAMBS in St. Louis.  If the Gags can get by them, they can get by anybody.  

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BUCANNEERS 10,  CARDINALS 13           

15 punts.  2 TDs.   18 penalties.  6 turnovers.  What a battle!  You could go take a whiz and go through the beer line and be back in your seat and miss 8 possessions and not miss a thing. Here we are in week 4, and Tampa Bay still can’t shake off the field.   Losing 3 of 4 in the final seconds and playing atrocious football has gotten them no separation.  The NY Gnats are right there.

And the Crudinals gave them everything they could handle yesterday.  Benching QB Josh Freeman for rookie Mike Glennon was risky, but the Boots continue their expert late game heroics and the Crudinals are forced to kick a field goal and win the game with 1:29 on the clock.

Add to the indignity that the 0-4 Bootineers have to take the week off, and the Gnats host the Pheebles.  Is that the game where Chip Kelly’s offense gets to look great, or do the Gnats score 48, against their will, and win a game?  When the other team keeps giving you the ball back every 14 seconds, sooner or later you are going to score by accident.  You can bet your ass the Bucs will be watching that one.  

NY GIANTS 7,  KANSAS CITY  31           

8 punts,  11 first downs,  3 turnovers.  Need I say more?  Not since 1954 has a team started a season by allowing 30+ points and at least 3 turnovers in the first 4 games.  Wow.  Kansas City continues to be the resurrected Doormat, now 4-0 and the Gnats (0-4)  have rushed in to fill their place in the pantheon.   Arrowhead stadium actually shakes when the cheering reaches a certain level,  and it’s getting there all the time right now.  Holy Cow.  Gnats don’t even bother to score after the first quarter bomb to Cruz.  I knew the Gnats were going to be knocking on the Doormat patio door this year, but geez these guys have taken over the rumpus room and we can’t get them off the couch.   Lotta flies buzzing around the pizza. 

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

The AFC North and the NFC East don’t have a team with a winning record.

BROWNS 17, BENGALS 6

When these two teams play, it doesn’t really matter who is supposed to be better-  it’s Doormat Old Home Week.  The Brownies- you gotta hand it to them.  They never do anything right.  Two weeks ago, the management clearly goes into full tank mode, trying to find the Chris Painter (Colts QB in the ‘tank’ season 2 years ago) in QB Brian Hoyer, and what happens?  They win TWO IN A ROW.

TITANS 38,  JETS 13

Titans QB Jake Locker is having the game of his NFL career, and then he gets popped hard and hits the turf with a hip injury.  We really hate to see that happen, when a Doormat is clearly finding victory where only losing used to be.  If Locker is hurt bad,  the Titans could yet go in a tailspin.   The Nyets ARE the tailspin.  

BILLS 23,  RAVENS 20           

Two Doormat upsets in one weekend!  The Nils stuff the Ravens running game (24 yards) and Jay Flacco hurls FIVE interceptions.  Just try and lose when you’re up against that kind of effort.   Nils still get off 8 punts, so don’t give up hope.

PHEEBLES 20,  BRONCOS 52

Looks like the Eagles are getting the hang of the new offense.  Eagles style.   Biggest loss since 1972.  

RAIDERS  14,  REDSKINS 24

QB Matt Flynn comes in for the Raiders and turns in a stellar performance of indecision,  inaccuracy and hitting the infield (the A’s play there too, last stadium that does that).   Matt Flynn WAS a grounder yesterday.  As expected, he was booed unmercifully, a Raider tradition since the Dan Pastorini days (1980).   The Raydurz didn’t have either of their running backs either, so, really, the Deadskins didn’t have a chance.  The Black Hole sucks up another loss.  And Black Holes can absorb a lot of them.

NFL WEEK 4 WORST STATS

Points:            3    Jags

First downs:  11    Giants

Yards:           205       Jags

Rush:             24 (2.6 avg)  Ravens

                        40  (2.2 avg.)  Jags

Pass:             91    Seahawks  (and they WON)

Sacked:          7      Raiders 

Turnovers :     5     Ravens

Punts:             8     Giants, Bucs, Bills

Penalties:       11-99  Bills

aaaAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!     

THE SILVER AND BLACKED OUT RIDE AGAIN

RAIDERS  21,  BRONCOS  37

536 yards of offense.   85% completion rate.  a 30-7 lead before Denver took their foot off their neck.  Lone bright spot Raider QB Terrelle Pryor out with a concussion.  49 yards rushing.  

The Raydurzz may have beaten the Jaguars last week, but that was too much to ask.  Against the Broncos, it was a piece of cake.  There are a LOT of Black Holes on that defense, and the Silver and Blacked out get RGB III next week, followed by Philip Rivers.  Of course,  the Chargers and Redskins are no easy target to get a loss on, so the Raiders will have to be at their best and hope that Matt Flynn comes out tentative and blind.  

Further down the road, it's Pittsburgh, Philly and the NY Gnats, the new terrors of the Doormat.  Gonna be a tough row to hoe, bro.

-wacko

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 3

The Doormat Division WEEK 3:  New Faces in the Basement!

The Doormat Division would like to welcome some new members to the Basement this week, show them around,  let them know where the stale beer is kept, where we empty the ashtrays (the grill), who gets to sit in the barcalounger (the Gaguars), and what to feed the possum (cold nachos).  

The 0-3 New York Giants!   The Midgets?  The Shrimps?  Giving up an average of 38 points a game, and hitting that mark perfectly yesterday (38-0 loss to fellow Doormat Carolina), the Midgies are a runaway train wreck that wasn’t even on the rails to begin with.

The 0-3 Pittsburgh Steelers!  Okay, I know that's not a door mat, but I don't even know what it is, so I want one.   Though no surprise, it’s refreshing to have the Shower Curtain here in the basement, bringing some grit to the atmosphere.  The Torn Curtain?  The Stinkers? It was so quiet during the Steelers game last night, I could hear the fan’s teeth grinding.   In a hail of turnovers (5), the Steelers come storming into the Basement.

THE STANDINGS

NFC

                        W-L          PF-PA

NY Giants        0-3           54-115

Tampa Bay       0-3           34-57

Washington      0-3           67-98

Minnesota        0-3            81-96

Forty-Whiners  1-2           44-84        

AFC

                        W-L         PF-PA

Jacksonville     0-3           28- 92

Pittsburgh        0-3            42-76

Cleveland        1-2            47-64

Buffalo            1-2            65-73

Raiders            1-2             NA

Okay I shouldn’t put the Raiders up there because they haven’t played the Broncos yet, but let’s be realistic.   

THE WRAP

This will be brief, as this new job I have demands that I show up and other annoyances.

BROWN OUT NO!

BROWNS 31, YIKINGS 27

Browns management starts the full-tank plan, but the players don’t get the message, and Cleveland suburb native QB Brian Hoyer goes out and propels the bumbling bumblers of bumble to a victory over the 0-3 Yikings who are losing by close margins in every game.  That’s the perfect setup for a blow out next week.   Hoyer throws 3 interceptions, but the Yikes answer with 4 turnovers of their own and BLAM!  The Browns take the win.  QB Brandon Weeden will never get his job back.   Until the Browns lose one.  8 turnovers in the game.  Doormat special of the week.

INDIANAPOLIS 27,  FORTY-WHINERS 7  (1-2)

When you have just as many punts as points, and more turnovers than touchdowns, we notice.  Andrew Luck sticks it to his old coach (and appears to really really enjoy it).  Hey, the Niners scored a touchdown yesterday, so maybe things are looking up.  Their star defensive end just went into rehab,  both of QB Colin Kaepernick’s favorite receivers are out, and the Niner defense looks like they want to play patty-cake.   It wasn’t THAT long ago the Niners were members of the basement, and one more loss and they can start to get comfortable.  Kaepernick looks young, the defense looks tired, the o-line can’t  block, and nobody’s open.  How’re the Chiefs doing, anyway?

DETROIT 27,  WASHINGTON 20  (0-3)

The Lions beat the Deadskins in Washington for the first time ever – last time they beat them was in 1939 in Boston.   Ever notice how the Lions hold the record for almost every amazing feat of futility?

GAGUARS 17,  SEAHAWKS  45

Another tidy beat-down for the Gags, and 0-3 never looked more reliable.

BOOTINEERS  3,  PATRIOTS 23

Tampa Bay is averaging a little over 11 points a game.   The record is 9.  Keeping pace with JAX.

PHEEBLES  16,  CHIEFS 26

Hard to believe the Pheebles are losing pretty smartly and can’t even crack the top 5 in the Doormat NFC.  And we thought all the bad teams were in the AFC.  Ha!

TITANICS 20,  CHARGERETTES 17

The Blots lose yet another close one in the final moments!  Things are better in San Diego. Really.  Honest.  But you can only see it if you don’t watch the 4^th quarter.

MIDGETS 0,  PANTHERS  38

In a true Doormat matchup, the Midgets outclass the Pansies.  It’s no contest. 

CRUDINALS 7, SAINTS 31

Let’s not forget about the Cruds.  They may not have all the glamour of our 0-3 teams, but they are RIGHT THERE.

JETS 27, BILLS 20

Somebody had to win. The Jets commit TWENTY penalties for 168 yards.  Holy Mackerel. 

COWBOYS 31,  RAMS 7

Rams also mail in a solid reminder that these guys aren't leaving the Basement just YET, thank you very much.  After all, ALL of our ashtrays are from the Rams store.  C'mon Lambs!

NFL WEEK 3 WORST STATS

Points:     0    Giants

First downs:  10   Giants

Yardage:  150   Giants   (is it a sweep?)

Rush:    35    Rams

Pass: 90      Giants

Sacked:  8   Bills

Turnovers:  5   Steelers

Punts:  8    Cardinals

Penalties:  20- 168  Jets

AaaAAAAAAAAAAAND THAT’S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

 

A Travesty of a Sham in College Football that Must Stop

72-0.  77-7.  56-0.  70-7.  76-0.  59-13.  54-6.   What’s this?  A secret code for getting into that new brothel down the street?  No.  It’s just SOME of yesterday’s college football scores.  The combined score for ranked teams against unranked teams yesterday was 273-13. Here we are in week 4 of NCAA football, and there are still super tiny schools getting mauled by gigantic football machine schools.  Why?  While watching the ESPN wrap-up yesterday, I noticed the talking head spout the usual reasoning that it’s a way for the little schools to make money for their football programs by traveling to the big school where the crowd will be huge and there is a big payday.

Interesting, but I don’t recall this carrying into week 4 of the schedule ever before.  So what is this?  An NCAA charity event masquerading as football for which fans have paid good money to see a ‘contest’??   Apparently.  Here at the Doormat Division, where we celebrate the worst teams in the NFL, you’d think maybe we’d appreciate these comical beatdowns every stinking fool week of the first third of the NCAA football schedule.

Well, we don’t.  All I want is for one of these Oliver Twists that gets invited to sit at the banquet table (but dont' ask for seconds) to come out and kick the crap out of one of these entitled over-fed over-trained and over-payed (except not the players themselves, gosh that would be unethical) ‘college’ teams. Yesterday UCONN almost pulled it off against Michigan, going down 24-21 in the 4^th quarter.  Holy cow, did I ever want them to win.  GRRR. 

So far, only Eastern Washington pulled it off-  an upset over 26-point favorite Oregon St., 49-26 two weeks ago.  It turns out Oregon St. is having trouble beating their mascot, but I’m still counting it.

We are, in fact, all about the underdog here, and I’m beginning to hate this trend.  It’s completely out of control and embarrassing.  It’s like having the Yankees play their single-A farm teams and having it count.   Maybe some high school teams can get in on the gravy train.  They could use some money for their programs.  I mean, why not?  Maybe I'll whip together a team and get a payday.

Let’s face it, the reason these lower funded second-tier football programs even HAVE to do this is due to the fact that lavish piles of money are now invested in the major school’s football programs.  Guess who the highest paid public employee is in nearly every state in the union- that’s right, a FOOTBALL COACH.  These football teams have go get trampled 2-3 times at the beginning of their seasons (I bet they have a term for this now in the locker room- the ‘money schedule’ or something) in order to afford a football program at their university that has even a ghost of a chance of enticing some athletic kids to put on a helmet and play some football for them.  IT’S NUTS.   The gulf between schools that play football has never been wider and the willingness to schedule teams that have no business playing each other has never been like this.  56-0 in week four?  Really??

If things are this absurd, and, guess what, they are, then why doesn’t the NCAA start a much bigger sharing of the pool of money?  Otherwise, it’s like watching the super-rich trample their future employees, which is a sort of sport in the USA these days, but perhaps it would be best not to have this on display on Saturday afternoons at an ‘innocent’ football game. It’s an almost disturbing display of the haves and have-nots.  Anything to stop these lambs-to-the-slaughter death marches masquerading as a sporting contest that purportedly are entertaining to attend would be welcome.  What must these hideous beat-downs do for the morale of the Nicholls States of the world early in their season?  It’s an embarrassment, is what it is.  And humiliating.

The only other possibility is that the NCAA is hoping someone will top the biggest beat-down in history, Georgia Tech 222,  Cumberland Gap 0, played in 1916.   Highest total this season- that I’ve seen- was 77-7.   I’d like to see one of these ‘patsies’ just start punting on first down, like Cumberland Gap wisely did (so nobody’d get hurt).  That would be an interesting commentary.

Here at the Doormat Division, we hope this travesty of a mockery of a sham of a mockery of two travesties on top of a sham stops soon, and the NCAA comes up with a better way to share the money.  Until then,

C’mon,  CUMBERLAND GAP!!!!!

-wacko

Crudinals are Not Brownies

This from RaisingZona, a dispirited fan-blog about the Arizona Cardinals: Cardinals are NOT the Browns. "To think this day and age, someone, especially a someone like Richardson, finds out that his employer just terminated their relationship with you via the radio/third party, is just unimaginable. I can tell you this. The Arizona Cardinals wouldn’t do that." That's true, they are a lot nicer about institutionalized losing.

The Doormat Division: BROWN OUT!

BROWN OUT!

Well, you can't say the Cleveland Brownies are going to sit around and let some upstart jackanapes down in Jacksonville run off with the Moldy Carpet without a fight.   Just days away from their next tilt  in Minnesota,  the Brownies trade last year's 1st-round pick, running back Trent Richardson,  to the Colts for the Colts' 2014 first round pick.   That's two first round picks already in the can, and if they can just tank the next 14 games, which is what they're planning, they'll have the #1 pick as well.   Wow!

Add to this that they're going to start 3rd-string QB Brian Hoyer (choosing him over ex-Raider Jason Campbell) in place of Brandon Weeden, who has an owie.   Let's face it-  the Browns need someone in the lineup who is really really really mediocre in a way that cannot be put into words.  You have to get on the field and prove it.   How they can improve on 6 points is a mystery to me, but zero points WOULD be the very thing.   

Having a young QB with no running back of any kind to back him up is going to be exciting.   The lack of possibilities are endless.   The point spread has already ballooned up to +6.5 and rising.   

Here's to the Browns and their new management!  Just stay out of the Dawg Pound, guys, until, say,  2017.    

-e

WEEK 2: The Race to the Bottom of the Pond

GETTING THAT LOSING FEELING

STEELERS 10,  BENGALS 20

Can you tell if Big Ben is laughing or crying?  Or looking at the scoreboard and trying really hard to see it some other way?   And though the Cleveland Brownies still own the Basement in the AFC North,  there is no reason why you can’t have two bad teams over there- just ask the Cincinnati Bengals who just had two consecutive winning seasons for the first time in 20 years.  I bet they loved that game in Cincy last night.

Now it’s the Steelers’ (the Shower Curtain?) turn.   In their last 11 games, the Steelers have won ONCE.  That includes the preseason, but STILL.  They’ve got the taste, and the mood.  Pittsburgh came on like gang busters at the end of the season last year, losing 4 of the last 5 to finish a mediocre 8-8.   Coach Mike Tomlin is 2 games under .500 for the first time in his CAREER.  

We’re sticking to our pre-season prediction that the Torn Curtain will make the 10 Club (10 losses) this year.   They is on their way!

DOORMAT STANDINGS WEEK 2

AFC

                       W-L     PF       PA

Jacksonville   0-2        11        47   

Cleveland      0-2         16        37   

Pittsburgh      0-2          19       36

NY Jets         1-1          28       30

NFC    

                     W-L        PF        PA

Carolina        0-2           30        36

Tampa Bay   0-2           31        34

Washington   0-2           47        71

NY Giants     0-2           54        77

Minnesota      0-2           54        65

       

GAME OF THE WEEK

RAIDERS 19,  JAGS  9

OK, let’s get serious now.  Can the Jags go 0-16?   The Raiders were the early season test, and the Jags passed it with flying colors.  The Raiders are, admittedly, improved.  Holy Cow they committed only 5 penalties on Sunday, though it can be hard to draw a holding penalty when the other guys just kinda stand there. Same goes for false starts- what’s the hurry?  The Jags go to Seattle next week, which should be our second complete blow-out of the season (the Hawks didn’t score enough against the 49ers to rate it a blowout).  They haven’t scored a touchdown yet, and that should be intact after next week, barring some maddening 4^th quarter slip-up when the ‘Hawks are playing fans from the stands and the decibel level goes below 400.  After that, the only bumps in the road are St. Louis (week 5),  Tennessee (week 10), Cleveland (week 13), and Buffalo (week 15), with the Titanics back for an encore week 16.  

Honestly?  The Rams and Titanics have already won a game so the Jags should have no problem there. The Bills can score, they just can’t stop anybody, and that’s no problem as the Jags aren’t just anybody and they stop themselves with no help.  Just TRY and get them to score.  They’ll go all safety on you.  So, that leaves…CLEVELAND in week 13, where both teams could really be 0-11 and in full tank mode.   Could be the GAME OF THE YEAR in Cleveland. Wow!  Now what do we do for the next 10 weeks?

LOOK OUT ABOVE!!

CHIEFS 17, DALLAS 16

The lovefest is in full pow-wow in KC.   The Cheaps! The Cheaps!  Are the Chiefs climbing out of the basement?  Now, hold your horses.  We don’t take teams off the masthead until they pass 8 wins.  Actually, we don’t seem to take teams off our masthead no matter what, but that’s another issue.  

The Cheaps are in Philly on Thursday-  ANDY REID boo-fest?   If you miss this game, you must be nuts.  EVERYBODY wants to see the Eagles, and right now I think everybody wants to PLAY them, too.  At least, every offense does.  After Sunday’s 33 first downs and 539 yards of offense by the CHARGERS,  every quarterback in the league wants to play the Eagles and get the ball back every 33 seconds.   Woo-Hoo!

Chip Kelly is going to find out why maybe sometimes you don’t want to give the ball back quite so fast in the NFL. 

After that, the schedule is a Doormat Murderer’s row for the Cheaps, and they have almost no chance of losing-  New York Midgets, the Titanics, the Raydurz, Houston, Brownies,  Buffalo.   They could beat them all except for Houston, and even playing in the SAME TOWN as the Astros puts you in danger of blowing a game, so look for the Cheaps to have a legitimate shot at a winning record this year.  Good Grief.

BROWNS 6,  RAVENS 14

The Brownies punted 8 times and kicked 2 field goals.  When your highlight reel is two guy’s  right feet,  you’re a Contender.  The Brownies DO have a defense, so they will be hard pressed to lose every single frikking game.  In Cleveland, though, it will seem like they are losing all of them.  Toss another bag of weed in the brownie batter, folks, it’s gonna be a looooooooooooooong season.

FROM THE FIRE TO THE TRASH PILE!

BUCCANEERS 14,  SAINTS 16

Two weeks, two last second field goals to pull out the loss.    This team may be catching lightening in a bottle and go on a run right now, with only the Carolina Pansies in week 8 posing any threat of winning for the first half of the season.   Just don’t take out Josh Freeman,  please.   I’ve got money on this.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

NY Giants 23,  Broncos 41   -  an Eli Manning injury away from total destruction. although with 4 interceptions last Sunday, maybe he's the problem.

Redskins 20,  Packers 38-  start playing Ted Cousins soon or lose RGB for another                         season.  Maybe that’s the Shanaplan.

Titans 24,  Texans 30 (OT)-  Texans are playing with fire, but the Titanics put it out with             an ocean of mistakes. 

Vikings 30,  Bears 31-  the Yikes are proving they can lose the close ones.  Can they lose big, though?  Not next week in Cleveland.  Yikings will leave the ranks of the Unsullied and pick up a win.

NFL WEEK TWO WORST STATS

Points-  3            49ers  (wow were they ever bad)

Yards-   232     Pats

Rush-   23        Giants  (they never run the ball for beans, hence the Eli desperation heaves)

Pass-   107       49ers  (wow were they ever bad)

Sacked-  6        Carolina

INT         4        Giants

Turnovers   5-  49ers  (wow were…never mind)

Punts-     8       Browns,  Titans, Jags (all-star list)

Penalties  10-118   Bucs  

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!!!!

Biggest Underdog, WEEK 2

BIGGEST UNDERDOG  WEEK 2

You'd think the NCAA would be done with its preseason annihilation schedule, but not so fast!   There's still a lot of teams that have no business waltzing into Ann Arbor or anywhere else as sacrificial lambs to some Athletic Director's idea of entertainment in the increasingly  charade-like exercise known as the early college football season.   Yes, I know there's money in it for these small schools as they travel to the home field of these over-fed and pampered semi-pros masquerading as college students, but at some point maybe someone might notice that the quality of the game kinda sucks and fans dont really want to pay to watch a complete beat down by- well, maybe they do.   

Maybe the NCAA is trying to get a new Worst Loss Ever to happen by scheduling these absurdities.  Good luck with that as Cumberland Gap  0,  Georgia Tech 222 still stands as the biggest blowout of all time.   And if you don't believe me, here's the hard evidence:

Get slivers just thinking about, doncha?

But you never know,  there's always a chance some David is going to clock the purported Goliath and knock off a 40-point favorite.  Or at least beat the odds!!   It happened in Week 1 as Eastern Washington, a 26-point Underdog to 25th ranked Oregon State,  put down the accelerator and didn't let up until the final gun sounded and they won 49-46.  And last week, Cal just about blew it to Portland State, winning 37-30.   I was at that one.  I had on my PSU swag, let me tell you.

And we're all about the losing here, yes, but we're also about the UNDERDOG, and college football has more than it's share.  

This week's Biggest Underdog?   Here ya go:

UNDERDOG                            Absurd FAVORITE

Lamar                   +47                   Oklahoma St.   

Georgia St.           +40                    West Virginia

Arkansas             +38                     Michigan

Kent St.               +36                    LSU

UMass                  +39                  Kansas St.

Weber St.             +37                  Utah St.

Somebody has to beat those odds.   Though Lamar may get beat by 60.  I didn't even know they played football there.  In fact, they may have put together a team just for the trip to OK City.

This week's NFL UNDERDOG?

It already happened-   the JETS   +13    PATRIOTS

and they beat the spread- but they didn't win the game, and that's all that counts in the Run to the Moldy Carpet Trophy here.    Next in line this week

UNDERDOG                          FAVORITE
TITANS                  +10           HOUSTON
CHARGERS            +7           PHILADEPHIA  
STEELERS              +7            CINCINNATI

Odds are tighter in the NFL, and sometimes the real underdogs don't get their due.   The Titans should lose by 17, no problem.   The San Diego Chargers may get just buried by the Philly Eagles this weekend, but Chip Kelly's offense gives the ball back to the other team quickly- a bigger problem in the NFL than in college.  Watch for Philip Rivers to try and match the mayhem and start throwing interceptions by the end of the 2nd quarter.   The Steelers will be lucky to get a touchdown on Sunday.

-wacko

Somebody Had to....

NYETS  10,  PATSIES 13

Gino Smith gets ready to heave one up for grabs.

In a stunning display of Doormat potential,  the New York Jets held the New England Patriots to 9 first downs last night AND LOST.   Nyets QB Geno Smith looked every centimeter a rookie, cashing in 3 interceptions for a QB rating of 27.6.   If Mark Sanchez is so darn sure he won the QB competition and only needs to heal up quick from his torn labrum to get back his job, it must only be because he is sure he can steer the Jets into a deeper ditch than some untested rookie.   To be fair,  and we do that on Friday the 13th,  the Nyets look like they have a pretty tough defense.  But they are going to have to hold teams to a safety or less to win games.   

But who said anything about winning?  After last week's stumble against the always tricky Tampa Bay Bucs,  the Jets get back on the losing side.   Next loss:  Buffalo.  That's gonna be a tough one.  

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 1: SAFE!!!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION:

WEEK 1 :  SAFE!!  

AFC

Jacksonville   0-1

Cleveland      0-1

Pittsburgh      0-1

Buffalo          0-1

San Diego     0-1

NFC

Tampa Bay    0-1

Carolina         0-1

U. of Phoenix  0-1

Atlanta            0-1

New York      0-1

We’re extremely late getting our post posted here on our posting spot (which used to be an actual post down here in the Basement) but it was Week One in the Doormat Division, and my headache subsided, finally, this morning, and me an ‘Fish are now considering cleaning up the..I think that's congealed chips and cheese.  Somebody left a dog-eared Game of Thrones on the beer table (it's not a coffee table, OK?), and I've been nursing my hangover and reading that since Monday morning, and I think my 'sigil'  will have to be an exploding aorta on a field of Nachos.  That, and I got an actual job recently, and it’s really interfering with the important things I’m doing on the patio, and the next game of Acey-Deucey.  

SPEAKING OF WHICH,  maybe we should have called it WEEK DEUAX,  since a RECORD number of games started with a safety, and we had 3 scores of 2-0 early in the race, as our 350-lb lug nuts were going into the first turn, already gasping for Gatorade.

It didn’t take long for the pretenders to fall away, though, and leave one majestic steed floundering in the fog:

JACKSONVILLE 2,  KANSAS  CITY 28

When’s the last time a team opened it’s season with a safety, and then called it a day?  Probably the Decatur Staleys in 1920 (no -ed).  I’ve been 86’d by the Elias Sports Bureau (it wasn’t that bad of a fire, and it wasn’t my underwear), so I can’t check.  But I can tell you that 4 games have ended 2-0, none of which were opening day.  None more recent than 1938.  Back in the no imagination era.  No game has ever ended 28-2, until now.   The Cheaps, after their complete makeover and style session with Heidi Klum, are looking positively competitive.  Let’s see what happens next week when they play a team that isn’t stopping for a cig after the first 2 points.   We’re placing the Gaguars as the AFC favorite to win the Moldy Carpet. It’s the only respectful thing to do, after that kind of Week 1 performance. 

Tune in this week as the Gags travel to Oakland in a gritty show-down of perennial Doormats.  The Raiders should crush them, but let’s not excited.

MOLDY CARPET SPECIAL:

NEW YORK NYETS  18,   TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS  17 (safety game #2)

And  Bootineers they are, snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in classic cellar style, going ahead 17-15 with :34 left on a Rian Lindell field goal, then committing  a personal foul (13^th penalty!!) with :05 seconds left on the clock, deftly moving the Nyets into field goal range at the TB  30.   Nick Folk connects.  

NOTABLE GAMES:

PITTSBURGH 7,  TENNESSEE 16

Watch out for the Shower Curtain.   Team #3 to come storming out of the gate 2-0,  the Tin Men did nothing against the Titanics, and just might continue to head for the old rocking chair on our patio.   Next week, the year-long stomping by fellow AFC North opponents begins, with a trip to Cincinnati on Embarrassing Exposure Night this coming Monday.  It’s payback time.

SAN DIEGO  28,  HOUSTON 31

For one half and a drive, I thought I’d got it all wrong.  The Chargers looked great.  GREAT.  They were stuffing the Houston Texans in all phases of the game, vaulting out to a 28-7 lead.  And then……it was vintage Char-boys.  In fact, they may have lost 5 second half leads last year, but none this huge.  Wow!  I’m not counting out this team if Philip Rivers can steer a team into such ineptitude after such heights.  He doesn’t play defense, I know, but he doesn’t have to.  That man is magic.  That and his receivers dropping perfectly thrown passes.  Boy that HAD to feel great in the stands in San Diego.  Meet the new boss......

THURSDAY NIGHT

The Jets looked up from their iPads and tiddly-wink games today and realized they have to play another game ALREADY.   The Gino Smith era continues against the Patsies. 

Patriots 35,  Nyets 2

The Rest of the Ugly Pile for Week 2

Carolina at Buffalo  -  solid Doormat contest.   Cam Newton continues to be, uh…never mind.

Jacksonville at Oakland-  biggest Doormat game of our young season.  Gags lose this                            one, and they already start mailing it in.  If they haven’t already.

San Diego at Philadelphia-  look out.  They may do their second half collapse early.

Cleveland at Baltimore-  it probably isn’t a good idea for the Brownies to play the Ravens now, but somebody’s gotta lose around here.  The Brownies know how.  

Denver at NY Giants -  Giants find out just how bad it really is.  

Minnesota at Chicago-   Yikings should be 0-2 and looking solid.  NFC North a tough division, really, and this could benefit the Yikes for a chance at the NFC Doormat crown, which, admittedly, is a wide-open race.   

aaaaaAAAAAAAAAA That’s the View From the Basement!!!!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION 2013 SEASON PREVIEW

Now that NCAA Annihilation Weekend is safely over, maybe we can get on with some honest football….

The DOORMAT DIVISION SEASON PREVIEW!!!

But, before we do, kudos to the Nicholls State Colonels ('Geaux Colonels' is their motto) for being led to the slaughter in Eugene, OR last weekend and letting Oregon more than cover the point spread- the underdog by 55, the Colonels maneuver the Ducks to a final spread of 63 points.  Final Absurd Score:  66-3.  

There WAS a David amongst the Goliaths on Saturday, and we would be very remiss not to acknowledge the Eastern Washington Eagles, underdogs by 26 points,  come careening to the finish line ahead of the #25 Oregon State Beavers , 49-46.   A game with absolutely zero defense, and completely gassed young men by the end of the 4^th quarter, the Eagles pulled off the biggest upset of the weekend (based on point spread).   I watched that one, and it was very entertaining.

Amusing to think that the biggest upset and the biggest blowouts of the weekend were only about 50 miles apart in the Willamette Valley.   It all happens in Oregon.

UNLESS YOU ARE PLAYING PRO FOOTBALL

And we're back!   The 2013 season is upon us, and it's upon some teams a lot more than others.  First let's post the Super Bowls odds to make some things perfectly clear what America thinks of its money and this year's crop of craptastic gridiron goons:

SUPER BOWL ODDS 2013-14

Denver Broncos 6/1

San Francisco 49ers 6/1

Seattle Seahawks 17/2

New England Patriots 10/1

Atlanta Falcons 12/1

Green Bay Packers 12/1

Houston Texans 18/1

New Orleans Saints 18/1

New York Giants 22/1

Chicago Bears 25/1

Cincinnati Bengals 25/1

Dallas Cowboys 25/1

Baltimore Ravens 28/1

Pittsburgh Steelers 28/1

Washington Redskins 33/1

Detroit Lions 40/1

Indianapolis Colts 40/1

Miami Dolphins 40/1

Minnesota Vikings 40/1

St. Louis Rams 40/1

Kansas City Chiefs 50/1

Philadelphia Eagles 50/1

San Diego Chargers 50/1

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 50/1

Carolina Panthers 66/1

Arizona Cardinals 125/1

New York Jets 125/1

Buffalo Bills 150/1

Cleveland Browns 150/1

Tennessee Titans 150/1

Oakland Raiders 250/1

Jacksonville Jaguars 300/1

What's the first thing that pops out at you, other than your wallet, when you look at this?   I would hope its the pipe dreams of YOUR team.   If you are about to place your bets, a good one is to always lay down a small wad on one team with apparently no chance of winning the Super Bowl (or at least getting there).  The 1981 49ers were 200-1!  If I'd put down 200 dollars, I'd still be trying to figure out what the payoff was, long after I'd wasted all the money on invaluable things like pleasure.  

But nobody in their right mind would pick the

NEW YORK JETS (6-10)  - 125/1

Would they?  It's the same team, the same coach, the culture is in place, they know the ropes.  There were some classic bad moments already in the preseason,  press conferences with fumbling mumble dissembling.  Oh, boy they could lose 14 games.  Or could they GO ALL THE WAY?  Thanks to the NY press, I'm sure somebody is predicting it.   These guys should be terrible, and do it in incredible style. 

JACKSONVILLE JAGS  (2-14) –last year's record-  (300/1)

As good a bet as this looks to be the worst team in the AFC this year,  they now have 2 good wide receivers and a RB.  Should their QB learn about trajectory and geometry and other heady stuff that concerns accuracy (should an offensive line miraculously materialize in front of him),  the Jags could  stumble into at least 5 wins this year.  

Week 2:  Jags at Raydurz

Or maybe the

OAKLAND RAIDERS  (4-12) (250/1)

They got rid of Carson Palmer, that harbinger of bad things to come, and replaced him with….they don't even know who is starting.  Matt Flynn, who looks like a shoo-in Doormat All-Star, or Terelle Pryor,  who is so green he's been moonlighting as a conifer on his days off.   I think the Raydurz could lose 15 and not break a sweat.

TENNESEE TITANS (6-10)  (150/1)

I passed over the Titanics in the Doormat Draft, and I'm not sure why.   They lost by more than 30 five times last year.  Good luck shaking off that albatross in one season.

If they can stumble out of the gate and blow the first 4 games, they've got a shot at taking the Moldy Carpet Trophy.

Oh, let's cut to the chase:

The Cleveland Browns (5-11)  will be better than last year, if only because the Pittsburgh Steelers are going to lose 10 games this year, and the Brownies get a shot at beating them twice.   They may still make the 10 club, but don't freak out if they win 7 games.  They are in danger of losing the longest streak of at least 10 losses (5 years).

The Buffalo Bills (6-10)  got over their brush with respectability two years ago, and should turn in another solid year of ghastly-  actually I think they could surprise a few people.  Especially if they show up in Smolensk for a game.

The University of Phoenix Cardinals (5-11) picked up Carson Palmer off the slag heap in Oakland, and anybody from Cincinnati can tell you what that means, without even showing you the burnt #9 jersey shreds still at the bottom of their BBQ.   He's wearing #3 now, as his career dwindles down to this one last shot at proving that he isn't a Doormat Maker.  Pfft!  Roster change of 26 of the 53 players- lost 11 of their last 12.

GAME TWO critical:   Crudinals vs. Chargers

Okay, so there is most of the truly bad- who else?   Watch for the San Diego Chargers to finally completely implode.  Only thing keeping them with at least 2 victories is they play the Raydurz twice, and that's no gimme.   The Rayurz could catch lightening in a bottle and kick 4 field goals.  I can already see Philip River's frustrated mug.

Mid-level mediocre:

Of the Vikings, Bucs, Rams, Chiefs, Eagles, Lions and Panthers,  keep an eye on the Vikings, Lions and Bucs to slide right off into oblivion.  Also, don't be fooled by the Eagles if they win their first 3 games.  Last year they pulled off an amazing slide, and have a lot of the same guys around who know how to do it.  Chip Kelly gets to learn about that.  In KC, QB Alex Smith already met the stone-handed receiving corps and decided they needed to get a guy who was never open last year-  T.J. Jenkins of the 49ers.

I never believe the Chiefs are any good, and their new coach led one of the most quittin' teams in the league last year.

HOW THE MIGHTY COULD FALL:

San Francisco 49ers.  Colt McCoy is the backup.  That's all I have to say.

Atlanta Falcons-  Alarming rate of points given up in the preseason.  I don't care if it's the preseason, you shouldn't be giving up any points, first or second unit on D. 

Houston Texans- biggest pretenders in the playoffs last year.

NYG and Chicago Bears:   Both of these teams could completely fall on their faces.   Especially the Giants. 

And finally-  The Cincinnati Bengals finally had two winning seasons in a row.  That can't last.

Okay,  ready, set…….

FUMMMMMMMMMBBLLLLLLLE!!!!!!!