ALERT! JETS attempt to slip by us with a game TONIGHT!!

ALERT! ALERT!

JETS TRYING TO STAGE GAME ON SATURDAY NIGHT IN QUEENS BEFORE ANYBODY NOTICES

Well, they won't get away with it THAT easily.   Tonight, in chilly NYC, with a game-time temp of about 33º and rain in the forecast, a miserable crowd of literally hundreds of people will huddle under their Gang Green ponchos and paper bagged heads to watch the hot New York Jets (fresh off their scintillating OT victory against the worst 49er team of all time) take on the suddenly bumbling Dolphins.  What else is there to do in NYC on a Saturday in December one week before Christmas? We could try to pull an eat and run over at Trump Tower...

Will the Jets win two games in a row??  They did it once this year (Ravens and Browns...maybe Browns don't count).  With a Fins defense that can't wait to thrash the patch-work Jets offensive line, and with the likelihood of Jets QB Bryce Petty getting chased all over a butt-freezing field, I'd say no.  But, it's not like the Dolphins know where the end zone is, either.  It may be even harder to find in the dark.  

But lousy weather in the northeast, at night, against those warm Miami guys...I can't look.  

I can't wait!!

-Wacko

WEEK 14 REPORT: CROWN THE BROWNS?

CROWN THE BROWNS? 

WITHER WHINERS?

   1-13                           0-14

Should we just hand the Browns the Moldy Carpet now?  How could this team possibly win a game? Can the Niners somehow catch them? Can the Jags go back and undo those victories?Are the Rams actually the worst team in the league, but just got a late start?

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 14

AFC
Cleveland -      0-13
Jacksonville -   2-11
NY Jets -          4-9
San Diego -      5-8
Cincinnati -       5-7-1
Indianapolis-     6-7

NFC
San Francisco - 1-12
Chicago -           3-10
Los Angeles -     4-9
Carolina -           5-8
Philly-                 5-8

New Orleans      5-8


BROWNS 10, BENGALS 23
Fearless in their pursuit of the Moldy Carpet, the Browns opened the game yesterday with 5 punts and an interception for 56 yards and about 3 first downs. This got them all the way to the 3rd quarter! On the other side of the ball, they guided Bungles QB Andy Dalton to his highest rating of the year (112.2) and a 20-0 lead at intermission. Browns 'coach' Hue Jackson took the pressure off in the 2nd half and allowed his team to score a little, to avoid hypothermia. He also 'asked for understanding' about RGB III's sloppy start. No worries here Hue, we get it! 0-16 looks good to us. Let the haggling about who is the worst 0-16 team - them or the 2008 Lions.

Browns danger game is the final game against the Steelers, who may have locked up a playoff spot by then and decide to rest the entire roster. A raffle will be held among the local Pittsburgh high schools to to field a team.

GAME OF THE WEEK
NINERS 17, JETS 23 (OT)
You had to see it to believe it. This was serious. The Jests started 3rd stringer Bryce Petty, a fiery fighter of fiesty football fury! Also, definitely a... 2nd string QB. Showing his mettle, he started off, on play 1, with an interception at his own 7-yard line, then following it up with a quick 3 and out. On the backside,the Gang Green (I didn't even have to make that up) defense showed 49er running back Carlos Hyde where the holes were, and the Whiners were up 14-0 and in serious jeopardy with a whole game to play yet. Patience.

The Jets punted and punted, yet the Niners countered with driving and missing field goals (2), a real morale drainer. FU, Jets!! Then they traded field goals. Uh-oh. Niners coach Chip Kelly, nervous about all the yardage being piled up and the nearness of the goal line, and a eye-popping 17-3 lead, ground the offense to a complete halt, finishing off for the day with 6 consecutive punts (ok they ended the first half with the ball, but they would have punted if someone had just given them the time). Later, regarding the 'conservative' offense, Chip said "it's on me."  Chip, we know that.  It's on you like the smell of barf on a fraternity toilet on Sunday morning.

Undaunted, the Jets countered with grim nothing, slipping up on one measly 3rd quarter field goal. Petty was looking like Doormat Gold.
But the Niners, ahead 17-6 with tons of time left in the 4th, had just had enough. Pulling themselves apart collectively on defense, their worst tackling angles finally clicked, the sliding off running backs like water off a duck's back suddenly was easy, and they backed off receivers and dragged the Jets down the field in an arduous 15-play, 9 minute drive, capping it off with a stellar missed tackle by Ahmad Brooks that landed the Jesters in the end zone.

Sure he couldn't do it twice, the Nyets ran Petty right at Brooks for the 2-point conversion and he did a wondrous missed tackle encore, complete with flailing and spinning, and BOOM.
17-14. 

Had enough?  The fun was just starting. With 4:48 to go, and the sound of seagulls echoing around a silent stadium, the Whiners doubled down and punted immediately, gaining 0 yards on 3 plays. By now the Jets knew they were doomed, it was just a matter of time. 8 plays later, the tying field goal (50 yards) wafted into the bay air, noiselessly floating between the goal posts as 30,000 empty red seats waited for the final indignity in OT. 

The Niners won the coin toss, and countered with a new move, turning the ball over on downs, eschewing the punt, as it would put the Jets too far down the field and hey the Jets need to score here. 

The gassed 49er defense gave it all up on this drive, including just giving up on the last run into the end zone for the Jets.  It was the kind of drive that makes evil empire owner Jed York and his minion, GM Trent Balke, cackle into their champagne. If only the Browns would win a game!  The Moldy Carpet could be theirs.  Dream on.  

LAMBS 14, FALCONS 42,000
Lambie rookie QB Jared Goff had the deer-in-the-headlights thing going on yesterday, scoring 14 points for the Falcons with a pick-six and a fumble-six (plus another INT), so, wow, Jared.  But, let's be fair- the entire team stunk like lamb stew that's been on the back burner on a forgotten Greek island restaurant for the entire summer.  2 more fumbles, 7 punts, and 11 penalties for 105 yards. I mean...it's so great they moved back to L.A. It's just what they needed down there. (The Lambs may actually be the worst team in the league right now. Remember, they lost to the 49ers, 28-0, in week 1. Think about that.) The Falcons punted EIGHT times and STILL scored 42 points.  Holy Toledo.  

SAINTS 11, BUCS 16
These guys can't even find the right numbers.  6 field goals, a safety, and 1 touchdown.  Bucs keep winning....Doormat exit!

BEARS 17, LIONS 20
Yet again the Bears make it look close. The Lions were game to lose, but the Bears weren't having it.  Bears got the Lions in the end zone last, and that's all that mattered.  Bears clear the 10 loss marker!

BILLS 20, STEELERS 27
It's interesting watching a team that doesn't start an actual quarterback. If the Bills can keep losing, they can finish 6-10. But the Jets and Browns are on the schedule- forget it.  For certain they will not make the playoffs- that will be 18 seasons without even an invite to the party.  Who needs a party when you can scrape ice off your windshield?

JAGUARS 16, VIKINGS 25
An absolute HAIL of field goals- 7- before somebody scored a touchdown.  My foot is sore. Pick-six machine Jaguar Blake Bortles didn't even throw an interception yesterday. ??  The Jags were ahead going into the 4th quarter! Vikings QB Sam Bradford was looking for another way to prove his Doormat mettle. But it was not to be. The Jags, better than just about anybody at losing at home in stadium deflating fashion, got the fans heading for the exits before the 2- minute warning, as the Vikings got the shock of the afternoon- scoring two TDs in one quarter.  Jags 2-11 and a force.

THREE WEEKS TO GO.  It's all about keeping the losses in your locker room, and watching out for better teams that give up and teams that have made the playoffs, rest everybody, and field a Doormat lineup against you.  Stay strong! Stay disorganized!  Don't adjust!  

aaaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!

JETS worse than SUSPECTED! WEEK 6 WORST STATS!!

JETS 3,  ANY OPPONENT (ok, the CARDS) 28

Look Out, Cleveland.  The New York Jets are gunning for ya.  Finally a Doormat team just plays flat out old-school horrible football for once. Sporting the most interceptions (11) in the league, and the lowest QB rating in the league (63.4 and dropping), one could credit Ryan Fitzpatrick for the Jets's rise to Doormat contention, but that would be missing the blitz of cheap penalties in the first 3 possessions that put the Nyets in a mole hole (welcome to False Start Stadium, you hole-digging pros), the swiss cheese defensive backfield (290 passing yards per game allowed), no blitzing (that would be swiss cheesing the swiss cheese), no rushing attack, the lowest points average for any offense, 15. 8, and the apparent zero options for the guys with the headsets.  When QB Geno Smith gets in a game, you are not exploring an option, you are conceding (but he DID rack up an INT in only 6 throws, so hey).

Since almost everybody else is scoring 38 points a game, 15.8 should cover just about any scenario for losing every single game...except in two weeks the Jets play the Browns in Cleveland, and you better get to the Browns- or Jets- sports bar for that one.

NFL WEEK 6 WORST STATS

Points:  3                    JETS
First Downs:   11        JETS
Total Yards:   230       JETS (I'm sensing a trend, here)
Passing:  145               EAGLES
Rush:   33                    JETS
3rd Down Eff:   2-13   JETS

Yards Allowed:  523   PANTHERS  (491, 49ERS)
Turnovers:  4               PACKERS
Punts:  7                      BROWNS, JETS  (that's gonna be a doozy in two weeks)

Penalties:   13/114       EAGLES;  RAVENS (15/111); GIANTS (7/119); NO (10/126)
Red Zone:    0-2          JETS, 49ERS, GIANTS; STEELERS 0-0;  CHARGERS 1-5.
Time of Possession:  Still nobody under the magic 20:00 mark this season.  If the Niners didn't do all that stupid standing around before running a hopeless play, they'd be under 20:00 every week.

-Wacko

WEEK 5 WRAP UP AND DOUBLE WOOKIE PUNT INTO SPACE!!

BROWNS CONTINUE TO DOMINATE,  MOLDING HISTORY

Like a river burning through the darkest night of football nightmare, the Cleveland Browns are the last team remaining with a perfect record in the NFL in 2016 (except for the 5-0 Vikings, knucklehead -ed).  And if you can't jump into the oil-and-sludge flames of the Cuyahoga and start swimming hard, you will not catch them.  

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 5

AFC               W - L      PF - PA

BROWNS         0 - 5         87 - 148

DOLPHINS      1 -4          88 - 119

JETS                  1 - 4        92 - 136

CHARGERS    1 - 4        152 - 142

JAGUARS        1 - 3         84 - 111

TITANICS        2 - 3         92 - 101

NFC              W - L   PF - PA

BEARS              1 - 4       85 - 126

49ers                  1 - 4       111 - 140

PANTHERS     1 - 4      124 - 135

BUCS                 2 - 3       94 - 142

SAINTS             1 - 3       114 - 130

GIANTS            2 - 3       89 - 108

BROWNS 13,  PATRIOTS 33

When long-time Doormat All-Star Charlie "Clip-Board Jesus" Whitehurst steps onto the field, everyone in the Basement stands up, salutes, and throws a bowl of Cheese Balls into the air.  You know you've got the game in the bag.  Above-average Brownie QB Cody Kessler, who actually looks competitive, took it on the chest yesterday and got knocked out of the game in the first half.  He engineered one sharp drive for a TD. After that the Brown-outs threw Terrelle Pryor out there for 2 passes, saw the error of their ways, and inserted Whitehurst to close out the loss and not threaten the red zone.  (note- Whitehurst hyper-extended his knee late in the 4th quarter, so...Pryor may be starting at QB next week).  That's 5 QBs that have thrown at least 5 passes for the Blank Helmets already this year. Remember RGB III?  I don't.  

Same Old Browns?  I don't think so.  This is the Browns team to out-Brown any Browns team that ever Browned around with being the worst team in the league.  Whitehurst last won a game in 2014 when his Titanics edged the Gaguars for winless-ness. He's won two games, all-time, since entering the league in 2006.  Jeez we gotta chip in and buy him some flowers.  Or a half-gallon of gin.  Or at least some good sandals and a toga.

Oh, by the way, Pats QB Tom Brady racked up 403 yards passing, so don't just go giving the Browns offense all the credit, here.  Huge game next week against the Titanics.  Browns should nail it.

LIONS 24,  EAGLES 23

See Walkfish's special write-up on this one.  Upset of the week!

BEARS 23,  COLTS 29

The Colts may be bad, but not bad enough.  Another high-yardage Doormat entertainment package for the fans.  daBares pile up 522 total yards and LOSE!  They can do anything.

DOLPHINS 17, TITANICS 30

Titanics QB Marcus Mariota did not throw an interception and did not fumble the ball away.

If he keeps doing that, the Titanics (2-3) will exit the Basement in two weeks.  The Dolphins again lead the league with only 8 first downs this week, amassing a measly 200 yards of offense, and threw in a couple turnovers to stay well back of the red zone.  Classic single touchdown drive (the other a punt return).

The Floppers have to just lose the next two weeks before the big divisional game with the Jets (1-4).  Be there for that one.

CHARGERS 31, RRRRAIDERS 34

The DREW KASER game. Are the Chagrins really doing this?  They are! In their first 3 losses, the Blots were leading with 2 minutes to go, yet found a way to blow it.  They lead the league in fumbles (8). Yesterday, they blew the lead earlier, but punter Drew Kaser has to get the game ball here. Already starting the crumble with a Charger fumble and ensuing TD by the Raiders to give up the lead in the third quarter, punter Kaser entered and shanked off a 16 yard punt to the Charger 32 on the next 'drive' to set up another RRRaiders TD, ballooning the lead to 34-24.  Not content to just lose there, Philip Rivers rallied the Charred back to 34-31 with 2:00 to go and in place for a game-tying field goal from the Oakland 18.  Kaser, the placeholder, feeling the moment,  muffed the perfectly fine snap, blowing the shot at overtime and the game.  You have to feel for the guy, of course, but, on the other hand WOWEE the Chagrins found another way to blow a game.  What next?

JETS 13, PITTSBURGH 31

The most common palindrome score in football happened twice yesterday (Texans-Vikes, as well), and the Jets hammered home another loss, yet doing it without a single interception by league INT leader Ryan Fitzpatrick.  This time, they just did it the old-fashioned way, scoring all their points in the first half and ceasing play after halftime, getting swarmed over by the Bumblebees (throw-back unis!) for the final 30 minutes.  

BILLS 30,  RAMS 19

The Rams (3-2) are still in first in the NFC West, but...c'mon.  

TEXANS 13,  VIKINGS 31

The Texans (3-2) are still in first place in first place in the AFC south, but...C'MON

Around the league:  Bengals look like they could slide back into the basement soon, 2-3 and dropping.  Same with the Giants (2-3) could lose every single remaining divisional game.  

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 5

We have to wait until tonight's game ENDS!!   

aaaAAAaAAnd That's The View from the BASEMENT!!!!

Somebody Had to....

NYETS  10,  PATSIES 13

Gino Smith gets ready to heave one up for grabs.

In a stunning display of Doormat potential,  the New York Jets held the New England Patriots to 9 first downs last night AND LOST.   Nyets QB Geno Smith looked every centimeter a rookie, cashing in 3 interceptions for a QB rating of 27.6.   If Mark Sanchez is so darn sure he won the QB competition and only needs to heal up quick from his torn labrum to get back his job, it must only be because he is sure he can steer the Jets into a deeper ditch than some untested rookie.   To be fair,  and we do that on Friday the 13th,  the Nyets look like they have a pretty tough defense.  But they are going to have to hold teams to a safety or less to win games.   

But who said anything about winning?  After last week's stumble against the always tricky Tampa Bay Bucs,  the Jets get back on the losing side.   Next loss:  Buffalo.  That's gonna be a tough one.  

-wacko

The Loss Leaders- The NFL's WORST STATS WEEK 5!!

The Loss Leaders: The NFL’s Worst Stats! Week 6, 2011

Five weeks is a fair and balanced chunk of time to establish your credentials in the NFL….for the basement! If you can’t fumble the game away by now, you probably aren’t going to do it.

THIRD DOWN CONVERSIONS

If you can’t make a first down, you can at least help the other team get some. It’s only fair.

The new kings of the Basement, the Colts are leading the league in 3^rd down conversions given up 49.3%. WOW. It must feel like 99% in Coltville.

Miami and St. Louis are duking it out for First Worst in converting their own 3^rd downs at

26.5% and 27.9%, respectively. If respect has anything to do with it. Unfortunately, they will not be playing each other, a real Doormat let-down. But the Lambs DO get the Seahags (33%) Nov.20^th. That should be a real…long tailgate. I’ll just have one more brat..and a beer….and watch a cooking show.

MOST INTERCEPTIONS

Everybody loves this one, and it’s a helluva battle.

Kyle Orton and Philip Rivers faced off last week in the Battle for What Are Our Colors Again?, and Rivers took the lead in the first half, only to see Orton respond with a costly INT in the second half. Tied at 7! But, unbeknownst to them, on the other side of the country, Eagles QB Michael Vick throws an incredible FOUR interceptions in week 5, and finishes the day with 7 INTs on the year. WOW! Throw in 2 more by the back-up, and you’ve got a league leading 9 for the Feebles.

Interceptions, player:

Vick, Eagles, 7

Orton, Broncos, 7

Rivers, Chargers, 7

Bradford, Rams, 6 (he’s a game behind, so give him a chance)

Interceptions, Team

Eagles, 9 (Eagles have more INTs than passing TDs)

Broncos, 7

Cardinals, 7

Cowboys, 7

Chargers, 7

I put the Chargers at the bottom, because they have a winning record. Pfftt!

LOWEST QB RATING, TEAM:

If you can get it under 60, your offense is hitting on all the burnt out cylinders.

I mean, your line stinks, your coach stinks, and your quarterback really ought to be backing up somebody else. I hear Mark Rypien’s daughter is tearing up the Lingerie league.

1. Jacksonville Jaguars 58.7

2 Rams 69.7

Lowest? Eagles backup QB, Mike Kafka (47.7). Unless he undergoes some sort of METAMORPHOSIS, Vick’s job is safe.

NFL WORST Doormat QB All Star:

QB Sam Bradford, St. Louis Lambs! 70.8 rating, 19 sacks (1^st) , 5.6 yards per attempt (1^st), and 48.7 (1^st) completion average. How many milliseconds is Sam getting to drop back and throw before the tidal wave hits him on every play? Yow! He’s got Happy Feet! Not happy enough. The Rams running game has left them, so…duck. It’s gonna be a looooooooooooong season in St. Louis.

Most Times SACKED

Getting dropped on your ass tells us a lot about a team, mostly that the offensive line is a bit too fat, a bit too slow, doesn’t really like the QB, nobody’s open, and the QB holds the ball waaaaaaaaay too long.

1. Bradford, Rams 19 (some say 18, some say 19)

2. Jay “Hold ‘Em” Cutler, Bears, 18

3. Kevin Kolb, Cardinals, 16

4. Rothlisberger, Steelers 15

5. Whoever, Miami 14

A GOOD KICK IN THE TEETH

Runback yardage, most allowed.

The Carolina Panthers (Pansies) come in with a whopping 27 yards of return for every punt they kick. Nobody else even comes close. Think about this. Even if not EVERY punt gets run back 30 yards, MOST of them are. Even if you kick it to the 15, your opponent brings it out to the 42. That’s insane. Cam Newton can throw all the touchdowns he likes. He’s not going to win when the other team gets to start in his front yard.

Most Punts

This is the Boring Game meter. If you can get over the magic 7 punts a game, you are in a class by yourself! This means not only are you bad, you’re a stiff. Nobody’s there yet, but the Seahags have the inside track.

1. Seahawks, 33 6.6 (avg. per game)

2. Bengals, 32 6.4

3. Jets 31 6.2

4. Bears 30

Yep, there’s some of the most boring teams in the league, right there.

[The Bungles have opened the season playing nothing but Doormats (but losing to the resurgent 49ers and Bills), so don’t give up on them yet. They’ve got some ‘L’s left in them.]

Punt Average

And, the ONLY way to lead the league in punting (avg yards, that is) is to have a team that can’t get over the 40 yard line most of the time. It’s fun to be on a loser if you’re the punter. You become the most important guy on the team.

1. Andy Lee, San Francisco 51.6 This won’t last if they keep winning.

2. Brian Colquitt, Denver Broncos 50.7 That’s having a LOT of field to work with

PENALTIES!

If you can’t lose the old-fashioned way, by just getting run over, call for the yellow hanky play. Give the other guys as many chances as possible. They deserve it.

Most FIRST DOWNS given up by Penalty

This stat is the real killer in penalty land. Just when you think they’re punting, you give them another set of downs. The Oakland Raiders come in so far in front on this, it’s not even a contest.

1. Raiders 22

2. Cardinals 13

3. Tampa Bay 12

The Raiders always commit a lot of penalties, but somehow they are winning anyway. It’s going to catch up with them. Unless, of course, they just keep pulvering the other teams to the point where they really don’t wanna be on the field anymore. Funny how that works.

MOST PENALTIES:

1. Oakland Raiders 10 per game!

2. Tampa Bay 8.8

3. Chicago 8.6

4. Seattle 8.2

RUSHING YARDS GIVEN UP

You can get away with giving up a lot of yards in the air, as long as you stop them somewhere (bend but don’t break), but you can’t let them run over you. It’s demoralizing, and it eats up the clock. You end up on the field all night long, and pretty soon you just give up.

Our leaders are a who’s who of the Doormat Division:

1. Rams 179.8 (Lord have mercy on their fans)

2. Colts 145.2

3. Eagles 140.2

4. Bills 138.4

Bills keeping afloat by just scoring so damn fast it doesn’t matter. Them and the Lions. Lions only give up 114 a game, though, so look for them to win more often.

RUSHING YARDS, PERIOD

Tired of watching your guy run into the line…and falling backward? Anything under 100 yards is anemic.

1. Titans 66.6 yards per game.

2. Jets 76.2 holy mother Mary this team is boring.

3. Colts 82

4. Seahawks 83

5. Giants 83.8

6. Browns 85.8

7. Cowboys 86.8

8. Rams 92.8

Somehow the Titans are 3-2, as are the Giants. Their defense is bailing them out, and the passing is just getting them over. Without Peyton Manning, the Colts are TOAST.

The GIVE AND TAKE

Remember, if they give you the ball, be charitable, and give it right back.

The Philadelphia Feebles come in WAY WAY WAY ahead in the Giveaway Takeaway Derby, with a -10 total. Good old Michael Vick, dancing around with a bread loaf, putting on the turf (7 times) or chucking it up there for whoever. What a giver.

1. Feebles -10

2. Cowpies -4

3. Crudinals -4

The Feebles lead the league in interceptions AND fumbles (7). It’s just a one-man wrecking crew over there. He makes the rushing yards look good, but what’s it matter if you don’t have the ball after all that prancing around?

What’s it all mean?

Here’s what it means: The Rams really are a well rounded bad team. Ditto the Colts, though I think they are improving at QB. The Jets really should lose a boatload. Look for them to make it in the 10 club. The Eagles are shooting themselves in the foot better than any team in the league. Keep it up, and they rule the NFC Basement. But, right now, the Lambs are far more consistently, and institutionally, bad.

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View From the Basement!!

Some Doormat Fun Facts

The Bungles defeat of the Nils last week was their first victory over Buffalo in the last 13 tries.

That's the power of the Brown Pall Quagmire in Cincinnati. It's becoming an advantage for the Bungles.

How bad were the Jets on Sunday? Let's compare them to all of last year's 2010 Ultra-Lows and find out:

first downs: Jets 7, CHEAPS 5

yardage: Jets 150, Pansies 119

Rushing: Jets 38, Deadskins 18

Passing: Jets 12, Seahags 12

Turnovers: Jets 4, Nils 7

Punts: Jets 5, Yikings 10 (holy freaking cow that's hard to do!)

Defensive TDs given up: Jets 3, Nils 2 (I think, too hungover to check)

So, not the worst, in fact they didn't even win any of the catergories outright except defensive TDs (and what a whopper that one is) but right there on the Stink-O-Meter in nearly every category. The low punt count is inevitable when you employ the Bungle 'A fumble is as good as a punt' strategy. And, only one team is going to get 10 punts this year. That's stratospheric.

-wacko

Doormat Division WEEK IV Wrap-up and Jettison

WHAT AT WEEKEND!! We’ve still got 4 teams with perfect records (winless), we’ve got someone new joining the party, and we’ve got our old standbys keepin’ it real. But let’s start off with a huge salute to the worst performance this year, and maybe for a while:

TEAM OF THE WEEK!!

Honors this week go to the NEW YORK JETS (Junks? Biplanes? Pipers?), as they turn in the stinker of the season while losing to 34-17 to the Baltimore Edgar Allen Poes. It’s not even close. Look at these numbers: 7 first downs, 8 punts, 5 fumbles (3 lost), 1 Int, and 3 turnovers run back for touchdowns by the Ravens. 150 TOTAL yards.

The Jets fumbled on the first play from scrimmage which the Ravens scooped up and ran in. You just can’t play a whole lot worse, without scripting it. 9 penalties, 3.2 yards per pass. The only blemish on this performance is the kickoff return for a TD and an INT for a TD. That’s 5 TDs not scored by an offense. 1 TD on offense by the Ravens. I’ve actually never heard of a game like this. I wonder if there has ever been a game where all the points were scored on defense.

The Jets tried! Mark Sanchez has a Bungle-worthy game of epic proportions. Let’s not forget the Ravens got 7 turnovers out of the Steelers in Week I.

Whew!

COME FROM AHEAD

Cowpies 30, Lions 34

It’s weird to write LIONS, no?

As long as you have Tony Romo on your team, you can pull defeat from the jaws of victory on any given Sunday. Bonehead Tony does it again! With his team ahead 27-3, the prince of the Bonehead Forest throws it so hard into reverse, Jerry Jones got whiplash. TWO consectutive possessions- two INTs returned for TDs. And then, deep into the fourth quarter, Romo throws another INT to set up the final Detroit score.

Cowpies may be 2-2, but boy can they do Doormat when they get motivated.

Cheaps 22, Yikings 17

The crucial battle between winless Doormat powerhouses nearly hit paydirt on the Stiff-o-Meter, but were edged out by the Lambs- Deadskins for boredom. Technically, this game counts as a come-from-ahead, as the Yikes had a 10-9 lead in the 3^rd quarter. But it was a half-hearted effort on that score. But the Yikes came through as predicted, and pretty much slogged their way through the whole game. The Cheaps kick 5,000 field goals and win their first game. Who wants Andrew Luck more? Yikings do.

Crudinals 27, Giants 31

You know, I think we should have a lock-out shortened preseason every year, if we’re going to get defensive breakdowns like this all the time. Ahead 27-17 with 5:16 left in the game, the Crudinals whip out their Doormat membership card and pull off a come from ahead loss that would be amazing if there weren’t so many teams doing it. The Cruds can score, and that’s new. But whenever they switch to their Orange Cone pass defense, coupled with an increasing ability to get the crucial penalty call, they can still nail down the loss better than just about anyone in the NFC. Except for you-know-who. Look to the Arch.

0-fer-Niners 24, Beagles 23

Is this a changing of the guard Doormat game? The lowly Niners, showing clear signs of having inspired, level-headed coaching, and my isn’t that a shock around here, score 21 unanswered points in Philadelphia, rallying from oblivion, and send the Beagles to 1-3, while the O-fers rocket to 3-1 in the NFC Worst, which pretty much wraps up the divisional title. I can’t say ADIOS yet to the Niners, because…I just can’t. But can we give a warm beer welcome to the Beagles? They travel to Buffalo next week. Let’s wait one more game.

JUST PLAIN UN-UNBEATABLE

Lambs 10, Redskins 17

Remember when the Lambs were an up-and-coming team? Didn’t they go 8-8 last year and just miss the playoffs? No, they didn’t. They went 7-9 and got edged out by the team that thinks they are going to get Andrew Luck. Well, guess what, you Seahag pretenders to the Moldy Carpet? The pride of the Doormat Division the St. Louis Lambs, are on a ROLL. Stiff-of-the-Week honors goes to this game. A Punt-Fest of dueling losers! 20 first downs TOTAL. 15 punts, 19 penalties, six fumbles…whew, when did they find the time to get some Gatorade? Every time you think you can sit down for a moment and send some tweets, you gotta get back out on the field. Geez.

The Lambs open the game by punting on 7 of their first 8 drives, with a fumble tossed in, and that’s 3 quarters of football right there. Lambs QB Sam Bradford runs for his life all day, and fails- 7 sacks, a season high. Lambs scrape out 172 yards of total offense…totaled offense. Lambs 0-4 and heading into a bye week.

Floppers 16, Chargers 26

Miami is now 0-4 and really just plays bad enough to lose every game. They get a week off now, and this gives them a chance to systematize the method. They have tough losses to eek out against the Jets and Donkeys coming up.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Bungles 23, Nils 20

That’s right, they’re the Nils this week. We didn’t predict the loss, but we sure knew going into Brown Pall Quagmire Stadium was going to be extremely difficult. A half-full-stadium, the quiet soporific effect of the trash blowing in the wind….it just makes you kinda sleepy you know? The Bungles pull to 2-2 on a last second field goal, and the Nils are reminded that the Bad Old Days aren’t over yet.

Pansies 29, Bears 34

I gave the Pansies the chance to have their first miracle finish game, as Capt. America is going to have a few. But not so fast. The Pansies are still the Pansies, and the only teams they are going to beat are Doormats, or the NY Jets. No matter how many points they score, the other team will be given more. It’s like a social program. Also, for all his heroics, Newton not doing well on 3^rd down- 2 for 12 on conversions.

Donkeys 23, Packers 49

And we’re right again on Blow Out of the Week. Not that it was hard to predict. I hope you Denver fans got your garages cleaned out and stuff. You team sure got cleaned out.

Seahags 28, Falcons 30

Seahags almost play a good game, but still nail down the loss.

Gags 10, Saints 23

Boredom in Jacksonville. Keep praying to those Fire Del Rio shrines, Gaguarians. Someday, your prayers will be answered.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 10 Lambs, Gags

First downs: 7 Jets

Yardage: 150 Jets

Rush 38 Jets

Pass 12 Jets

3^rd down con. 2-12 Pansies

Turnovers 4 Jets

Sacked 7 Lambs

Punts 8 Lambs

Penalties 11-118 Crudinals

Tonight's Descent into Lake Erie

It's the battle for New York...wait, no, Canada! Nobody in Buffalo wanted to see this game, so they took it upwind to Toronto. Think the Nils are bad enough to keep their hold on the basement? Of course! This is the team that gave the Brownies their ONLY victory. They are last in the league against the run, and since the Jets are second in rushing, I see holes opening up in Buffalo big enough to run a 747 through, complete with dinner service.

But! The Nils WON in the last time these grizzled gridiron grouches met, 16-13 (OT). Mark Sanchez threw SIX interceptions in that game, and the Jets committed 14 penalties. God, that's ugly. Cellar ugly. Terrible Beauty.

The Jets can't play that bad again, can they?? Why not?

Sounds like 45 rushes for the Jets, 7 first downs for the Bills, and the usual barrage of field goals, and maybe 1 touchdown somewhere on the field during the game. I will give it to the Jets.

Jets 13 Bills 9

and whatever you do, don't watch this, watch the DUCKS dismantle the BEAVERS in the UN-Civil War up in Oregon tonight!