KA-LUNK!! THE DOORMAT DIVISION FINAL STANDINGS 2015-16!!

NFC: COWS  (4-12)         AFC: TITANICS (3-13)

AND WE HAVE OUR CHAMPIONS!!!

In a wild final Sunday, which went down to the absolute last play for the Doormat Division, the Dallas Cowboys and the Tennessee Titanics win their conferences and will play in the Doormat Bowl, currently slated to be played in front of the Katerina Palace in St. Petersburg,  where game-time temperatures should be a balmy -40º.   The Palace is the modest blue house in this picture:

However, our corruption level is even higher than FIFA, so don't be so sure that's where this bomb of a game ends up.

Have you ever actually eaten crow?  Humble Pie?  I'm getting as close as possible, because I forgot the Titanics and Browns had, in fact, played each other in week 2, and said the Browns had the tie breaker in my hungover preview on New Year's Day.  WRONG!  The Titanics snagged the loss in that game, and had the edge going into the final Sunday- and just narrowly lost their game with the Colts, nailing down the AFC crown.  But I beg for some slack, as I was criss-crossing the American southwest in a rather wild chase with local officers in 5 or 6 states when I wrote that up.  Let's just say I was saved by a blizzard, and am now safely back in the Basement, and no armadillos were hurt in the fabricating of my alibi.

The Titanics win the Doormat AFC (and really the whole league because they have the worst record), and now have won it TWO YEARS IN A ROW, which almost never happens.  Yes, I know they 'lost' our Doormat Bowl last year, but in reality they held the tiebreaker of point differential over the Bucs.  The TITANS are two years in a row the worst team in the NFL and that has not been done since the Buccaneers did it in 1985-86.  Since 1965,  only three teams have won it two years in a row- Houston Oilers (which are the Titanics, btw), New England Patriots and the Titanics.  

The Cowboys have not taken dead last in the NFC since 1989, so, like, WOW man, "America's Team" hits rock bottom.  Gosh, somehow that feels better than ever. 

Let's check the final standings,  and get to the games, and some final accolades:  

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 15

(* asterik denotes at least 10 losses and membership in this years' 10 CLUB)

NFC

                    W-L          PF-PA              PD

*Cows         4-12          275-374         -99
*Whiners     5-11         238-387         -149
*Bucs          6-10          342-417         -75
*daBares     6-10              335-397         -62
*Giants       6-10          420-442         -22

Ain’ts          7-9            408-476        -68
Feebles        7-9            377-430         -53

Lambs         7-9            280-330        -50

Kittens         7-9           358-400         -42

AFC

                    W-L          PF-PA            PD
*Titanics      3-13          299-423       -124

*Browns      3-13           278- 432     -154

*Chargers    4-12           320-398      -78

*Cravens     5-11          328-401       -73

*Gaguars     5-11            376-448      -72

*Floppers    6-10               310-389       -79

Rrraiders     7-9            359-399       -40

THE GAMES:

BROWNS 12, STEELERS 28
In the kind of ending only they can do for their hometown fans, the Blank Helmets threw 14th string QB Austin Davis out there, and he hit the dirt seven times, threw two interceptions, lost a fumble ( two total for the team) and guided the Brown-outs to four chip-shot field goals, failing in the red zone all four times.  The sea of yellow Terrible Towels by Steeler fans in Cleveland's yard at the end of the game must have been a real nice touch.

Browns owner Jimmy (Mr. Blank) Haslem started firing people before he got out of his luxury box, after promising he wasn't going to 'blow things up' recently.  Coach Mike Pettine lost 18 of his last 21 games guiding the team, and the Doormat Division will miss his acumen.  The Browns did what they had to do, and hope the Titanics would not be able to hold on and lose to the Colts.

TITANICS 24, COLTS 30
The Titanics were in a real dogfight in this one. They kept the first downs to 14, got only 231 total yards, yet were within 3 points with 11:07 to go in the game.  An almost unbelievable Josh Freeman sighting occurred, and he was on the winning side for the Colts, even throwing a TD pass in the first quarter.  The parade of unheard of or nearly forgotten QBs was on full display in this one, and Titanics fill-in Alex Tanney even got in the game to replace Zach Mettenberg (14 rating for the game), and threw an expert pick six on the first possession of the third quarter.  Wow!  Still, the Titanics had to sweat it out the last 11:07,  even after the Clots nudged the pigskin over the crossbar for a field goal with 3:25 remaining.  Tanney did the right things, though, in those last two possessions for the Titanics, holding onto the ball too long and getting flattened on third down both times, digging nice giant holes that no Doormat ever digs out of.
Titans hold on and take the Moldy Carpet for the AFC (and, let's face it, the whole league).

COWS 23,  WASHINGTON 34
I'm not sure why our local TV had this game on, but I guess they know we're here, so we appreciated that the worst team in the NFC was on the airwaves when 4 or 5 far more meaningful games were being played. But they weren't the worst when the game started! Amazingly, the Cows could've won this game, if not for some stellar mistakes. They built up 512 yards against this phony of a division winner, but who cares about that when you can, in the first quarter, give up a TD on a 2-play drive, then throw an interception on the next possession at your own 33, and give up another TD, and then fumble two plays later at your 34 and, yes, throw in one more TD for the 'Skins to make it 21-0 before you've even digested your pre-game snack. The Cows may have one more victory than the Titanics, but my God this team is bad. Bring on the Doormat Bowl, baby.

FORTY-WHINERS 19,  LAMBS 16 (OT)
Way out on the west coast they played this ancient rivalry for the last time this season, and I'd like to say these teams were uninspired and mailing it in like a good basement dweller, but, in fact, they were trying to kill each other all game, with some extensive chippiness going down. Still, 49er coach Jim (Why Am I Here?) Tomsula insured his firing by punting with 1:37 left in the game, with the game tied, at the Ram 37-yard line, which is exactly in kicker Phil Dawson's range.  Hey, let's extend the season and not take a chance! The booing from the stands was almost baleful- PLEASE GO FOR IT WE WANT TO GO HOME.  Plus imagine the tension in the Dallas locker room as they watched this thriller play out with their shot at glory hanging in the balance!! cough.

However, try as Tomsula might to lose this one and take home the Moldy Carpet for the NFC, he couldn't overcome his own team's determination to not be worse than the Cowboys which still matters in 49er land.  The game went to overtime, and the Lambs proved they'd just as soon get the game over with, exchanging punts with the Whiners, and, finally, giving up a couple whoppers on the final drive, putting the Niners inside the Lambie 10-yard line, and Dawson got to come in and chip-shot one between the uprights for the improbable victory, and the loss of the NFC Championship.  Tomsula, who I'm pretty sure got fired before he even got to the locker room, and had to strip and hand in his gold underwear, couldn't even get losing right.  I've really never seen a guy thrown into a head coaching position like he was and never, not through the whole year, look like he was ever comfortable with the Big Headset.  He got used, and I honestly feel some empathy for the guy, because he's a good defense coach, and I hope he gets to keep a job in the NFL somewhere.  Jed York should be ashamed of himself.  But, the Yorks have been working on getting the Niners to the bottom with some real determination- they didn't make it, but let's see if they can blow it up even bigger next year.

THE TEN CLUB

The illustrious ten club list for this year.  Teams with at least 10 losses get to stay in the Basement all winter, use the Barcalounger, the cooler, the patio and grill (even when there is 2 feet of snow), and the orange-duct tape couch. They have to feed the pet possum over there by the dryer, and survive on pizza and beer that can't hold Pabst's jockstrap.  Notably missing from the list this year are Oakland and Washington. 

These teams are the true Doormats:

Jacksonville (5-11) 5 years in a row

Tampa Bay (6-10) 3 years in a row

Tennessee (3-13) 2 years in a row

Chicago (6-10) 2 years in a row

New York Giants (6-10)  2 years in a row

Cleveland (3-13)

Dallas (4-12)

San Diego (4-12)

Baltimore (5-11)

San Francisco (5-11)

Miami (6-10)

1. LONGEST PLAYOFF DROUGHT

1. BUFFALO BILLS  - 17  seasons  

2. OAKLAND RAIDERS-  14

3. CLEVELAND BROWNS- 13

4.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 12

5.  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS- 9

6. TAMPA BAY BUCS- 9

7. TENNESSEE TITANS- 8

8.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 7

10.  NEW YORK JETS- 6  (and they did it with style this year)

17 seasons is a really long time.  However 23 seasons without a playoff victory is even more painful.

2. LONGEST PLAYOFF VICTORY DROUGHT

1.  CINCINNATI BENGALS-  25 including this year's incredible flame-out

2.  DETROIT LIONS -  24 (plus, only one victory in 58 years. 1957 they were Champs).

3.  BUFFALO BILLS- 20

4.  CLEVELAND BROWNS- 18

5.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 15

6.  OAKLAND RAIDERS- 14

7.  TAMPA BAY BUCS-  14  (the 'Revenge of Chucky' has worked both ways)

8.  TENNESSEE TITANS- 13

9.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 12 

aaaAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!