Browns Have Never Won the Moldy Carpet? Really?

As bad as you may think the Cleveland Browns are, and they're an experienced cellar-dwellar, no doubt about it, they have NEVER (never-ever) finished dead last in the NFL and taken home the coveted Doormat Division Moldy Carpet Trophy, pictured here:

Their only scrape with immortality occurred in 2004, when they won the AFC, going 4-12, edging out the Miami Dolphins (4-12). In the next to last week of the season, the Blank Helmets pulled out the last second loss to the Floppers as Flop kicker Olindo Mare flipped a 51-yard fump over the crossbar with :07 left on the clock.  Unfortunately, the Brownies had no chance for the Moldy glory, as the Forty-Niners went 2-12 (during the spectacular pants-dropping Mike Singletary era).  

It's not like they haven't been trying- the Browns have been parked in the AFC Central basement for 10 out of the last 13 years, sprinkling in 2 winning seasons (2002 and 2007). They have not won the  AFC Central since 1989. The '85 through '89 seasons demand special mention, as these are the last powerhouse years the Browns had, with Bernie Kosar flinging the pigskin up and down the field, taking them to Division titles 4 times in 5 seasons, and capping off three of those winning campaigns with painful losses to the Denver Broncos in the AFC Championship game. So, even when they were winning, they lost the semi-big one, and couldn't even get to the Stupor Bowl.  Ask any Vikings or Bills fan about getting close but no Cigarello. But stand back when you do.

This is their big shot, coming up right now.  The Browns must lose this weekend, finish 3-13, and finish with a worse record than, you guessed it, the San Francisco Forty-Whiners, who stand at 4-11 this morning. Don't forget the Whines lost, and lost big, to the Browns just three weeks ago, so they hold the tie-breaker. They also have to shrug off the Titanics, but the Brown-outs have the tie breaker with a vastly bigger point differential (the Browns and Titans have not played each other).  The Titanics are playing the Colts, and just might win that game, though the last-string QB parade is on full display up there in Indy- for both teams, so that one is up for grabs.

I'm pretty sure the Whiners will get buried by the Rams (and get themselves all positioned to draft 5th and get Cal QB Jared Goff in the spring), finishing off a brilliantly crafted drive to the bottom of the NFC by owner Jed York.  

But back to the Browns, who are taking no chances on the final let-down, putting QB Johnny Foosball on injured reserve with a bell-ringer of a concussion (can you drink when you have a 

head-ding?), and throwing the only QB they've got, Austin Davis, out there to get his own injuries against a highly motivated Steeler team that is desperately trying to get into the playoffs.  Playoffs?  PLAYOFFS?  

Don't talk to the Browns about playoffs. They're going to win this Moldy Carpet, hang it on the wall, and let the incense waft through the front office all off-season, and then, in the spring, when they've sniffed every last glorious spore out of that dried-out square of pride, they're going to step up to the podium at the NFL Draft, pick second, and....what do you think, Browns fans? Can they do it and cling to Johnny Manziel and eschew the obvious obvious pick in Jared Goff and, instead, go for a long snapper?  Where's that poster of Kevin Costner?

aaaaaAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!