WEEK 16 REPORT: BROWNS OFFICIAL NFL GAME WINNERS

BROWNS WIN?

49ERS WIN?

JAGS WIN??

YEAH, BUT THE JETS, BEARS, LAMBS AND CHARGERS HELD SERVE

(the Doormat Division does not claim ownage of this cheerful meme.  Just sharing)

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 16 STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      1-14
Jacksonville -   3-12
NY Jets -          4-11
San Diego -      5-10
Cincinnati -       5-9-1
Bills                  7-8

NFC
San Francisco - 2-13
Chicago -           3-12
Los Angeles -     4-11
Carolina -           6-9
Philly-                6-9

Arizona               6-8-1

THE GAMES

CHARGERS 17, BROWNS 20
Browns Win!  Browns Win! What looked like a sure loss 5 weeks ago loomed as the biggest trap game of this epic season for the Brownies, and it proved to be their undoing in the noble quest for a winless season.  The Chagrins, on a 4 game skid that has all the elements of a franchise cleaner after the season comes to a final thud next week vs. the Chiefs, were impossible to lose to.  Top headline on Chargers' web page this morning:  Chargers to Pick Seventh in Draft.  Movin' on Up!!

I'm gonna be fair: the Browns played a decent game- they even blocked a field goal attempt- and the Chargers played like a team that wanted to get that coveted 10th loss against a real Doormat opponent.  If you can lose to the Browns, boy do you ever belong.

Not that the Browns didn't try: they couldn't get a clinching first down and handed the ball back to the Chargers with 1:46 to go and they did their best, getting the Chargers to the Browns 35 with :44 on the clock.  Chargers QB Philip "Why is Everybody Blowing It?" Rivers promptly spiked the ball to burn a play and then fumbled on the next (but the Browns let him recover it), pushing themselves back to the 38 (a 55 yard field goal).  The Browns responded with allowing an 11-yard pass- and a step out of bounds- to set up a 45-yard field goal attempt by Josh Lambo...which he craftily kicked wide right.

879 Frozen Fans went nuts!

Okay, so the Browns won't be 0-16.  But they can STILL win the Moldy Carpet- the Niners and Jags both won!- and become the first Browns team to ever be the Worst of the NFL.  So, huge game next week vs. Steelers, and my money is on one more glorious loss.

LAMBS 21,  NINERS 22
The Santa Clara 49ers have ONE game plan for ONE team, and it works like a charm.  Now 2-13, the Whines blew their chance to move into a tie with the Browns for the bottom of the NFL.  But whaddya gonna do when you have to play the only team that knows how to lose to you?  Good God, the Whines scored 2 touchdowns in the second half.  That is so rare that I've cleaned off the pizza box table in the Rumpus Room in the Basement more often than that happens.  Actually, we haven't' cleaned the table in so long I'm not sure there's a table there.

The Whiners pulled to 21-20 with the game clock on its last gasp, and you knew- you KNEW- the Lambs had it wired to get Kaepernick across the goal-line for the 2-point conversion.  Game over.

We are impressed that the Firing of Jeff Fisher has had no effect on the Lambs.  They have kept focus through all the distractions.
Lambs are worse than the Niners, and don't you forget it.  Ownage!!

TITANS 17, JAGS 38
Just when you thought the Jags could lose anywhere, anytime, they...WIN.  Scoring early and scoring late, the Jags played inspired ball one week after their popular (with the players) coach got fired. They nailed down their first win at Ever Banking-on-the-Loss Field in more than a year.  No more tears of teal!

Jags QB Blake Bortles played error-free ball, and even caught a TD pass.  Titans QB Marcus Mariota injured his ankle and was replaced by....wait for it.....Doormat All-Star Matt Cassel.  Matt came through for the team, throwing a Bortles-worthy Pick-Six to seal the loss- a 14 point swing in two plays (right after Bortles TD catch).   Pow! Blam!

JETS 3, PATRIOTS 41
At least somebody around here knows how to get things done.  The Jets ran their one-man wrecking crew- Ryan Fitzpatrick- out there after Bryce Petty went down trying to tackle a fumble return and, though he didn't get a Pick-Six or Fumble-Six, Fitz still whipped a couple INTs, got no TDs, went  0-2 in the red zone (yes they actually got there) and went 1-11 on third down. Petty chipped in an INT in only 3 passes before getting injured, so wow.  The Gang Green defense, once again, looked like they had gangrene.  Odd how that is.

BEARS 21,  WASHINGTON 41
Bears QB Matt Barkley- if only he'd been the starting QB from the beginning.  Slingin' Matt rang up 5 - FIVE- interceptions yesterday.  How none of them are for a pick-six, I have no idea.  The Bears only had to punt once, Barkley was doing such a stellar job.  Bears 3-12 and breathing down the 49ers necks for NFC lead.

THE TEN CLUB:  The Bengals, the Eagles and the Panthers can all finish the season with 10 losses next week.  Keep your fingers crossed!!


aaaaAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!