DOORMAT DIVISION: RAIDERS PLAY PERFECT GAME

RAIDERS 3, 49ERS 34

First things first.  The Raiders definitely need a new name.  Faders? Puddingbutts? The Hole Diggers? The Quitinskies? Silver and Blacked Out is an old chestnut.

Whatever you want to call them, the Raiders hit absolute bottom last night at Levi's Stadium like a smelly pair of jeans at the bottom of a laundry pile that nobody has gotten to in months.

It was hapless perfection:

1.  Score a field goal on the first possession, and then clank one off the upright on the last one.  Do
nothing in between.  The Faders usually collapse in the 2nd half. This time they went for early in    the 1st quarter.
2.  Leave 49er receivers so wide open that commentators don't have a term for this.  49er QB Nick Mullens had choices on plays of which solitary receiver to throw to. How do you even GET that confused on defense?  What kind of practice drills do you run to make that happen??
3.  The Hole Diggers placed drive killing penalties so expertly, they were rotating who they were benching.  They don't have a doghouse big enough for them, unless you count Las Vegas.
4.  Have only 10 guys on the field at least twice, and nobody even bothered to flag them.
5.  Make Mullens' NFL debut look like fellow Southern Miss alum Brett Favre on a really good day.  I was ready to buy a number 4 Niner Jersey by halftime.
6.  Camera shots of owner Mark Davis, who looks uncannily like a Bog Man that has been rehydrated.  That hideous bowl cut hairdo?  He drives 400 miles in his tricked out mini-van (complete with a VHS player) to Palm Springs to get that cut.  I am not kidding.
7. I didn't know you could mail it in on this kind level. That's more postage than the P.O. has in stock.

 And all on Prime Time, with coach Gruden stretching his face into 47 contortions in an attempt to find the right squint that would make it all go away. He needs a MUCH bigger hat.

The hard part, here, is figuring out if the team has quit on Gruden, or QB Derek Carr, or on the whole franchise. Did you catch those motivational speeches by Carr and Mullens before the game?  Ominous tones for Raiders fans, to say the least.  Mullens, who'd never started an NFL game, sounded like he had his guys rallied around him like they were playing for the NFC championship, while Carr's guys sounded like non-commital members at a fundraiser where the leader keeps having to grab people by the arm and make leading statements to get just some kind of positive response.  "Hey I'm there for you!!"  Okay, boss, whatever you say, can I go back to the donut tray now?

Now, the 49ers just may have boiled their Moldy Carpet chances with putting somebody smart at QB (no offense C.J., you are one tough hombre), and next week the Giants come to town, so Mullens may not see an actual NFL team for two more weeks.  Oh HA. The Giants can't match the Raiders pudding defense. Yes, they're 1-7, and are on the ominous bye week that all losing teams come out of like they're on quaaludes, but they will put up fight.  49er fans, suddenly, can't wait for next Monday!  Let's blow out another Doormat.  Never mind that you are still one of them.   

The Raiders gave the 49ers NO chance to lose this game. They gave the 49ers SEVEN sacks.  The 49ers can't sack a bag of groceries.

For 49er fans, and their 10,000 ghost buddies in the empty expensive red seats, what a relief.  It's been grim.  Last night was like some hilarious gift that just kept on giving- the running game looked incredible.  Sadly, Raheem Mostert, who was having the time of his life out there, broke his arm on a gruesome play, a freak accident where just landing on the turf broke it.

So, THANK YOU, Raydurz, for supplying solace to a suffering franchise.  It's really the only thing you can do, and you have to do it for 7 more times this season.  Start licking those stamps!

aaaAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!