Or, Popcorn Bowl-Toss Weekend!
YOWEEEEE!!!!
BEATING THE ODDS
The Basement was rockin' yesterday, Doormat Denizens! The Bills, the Redskins, the Cowboys, the TITANS, and the Browns all beat the odds and outright won their games. An incredible weekend of upsets and defying the point spread. Even the Cardinals beat the spread (well, 16 1/2 points is a little ridiculous). Thankfully, a few teams- the Bucs, the Raiders and the Lions- brought home the Bacon of Embarrassment and kept the Moldy Carpet dream alive.
DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
NY Giants 1-7 150 205 -55
Santa Clara 2-7 207 239 -32
Arizona 2-7 124 225 -101
Tampa Bay 3-6 232 291 -59
Detroit 3-6 202 244 -42
AFC W-L PF PA DIFF
Oakland 1-8 147 272 -125
NY Jets 3-7 208 254 -46
Jacksonville 3-7 134 170 -36
Buffalo 3-7 137 251 -114
Cleveland 3-6-1 218 263 -45
Denver 3-6 205 213 -8
BILLS 41, JETS 10
Okay, so it was the Jets, and without Sam Darnold. 7 points was a GAUDY amount to be favored by, but nobody saw this coming. Bills QB Matt Barkley last won a game when QB'ing for Chicago, in a snowstorm, against the 49ers, two years ago. It appeared to be the only conditions under which he could win a game. Not so!
The Bills just pulverized the Jets, converting 2 turnovers into points, racked up 451 yards of total offense, scored nearly HALF the points they'd scored all season, and just mowed the lawn with the Jets. Does it matter that the Jets were only one game better in the standings? Not in Buffalo! In fact, all the better because the Bills are not even in last place in the AFC East anymore. Woo-Hoo!
Does that feel good, Buffalo? Huh? Does it? The Bills get the Reeling Jaguars next week at home. Get out to the stadium, you long-suffering fans, and scream your heads off. Maybe it'll even snow for Mr. Barkley.
TITANS 34, PATRIOTS 10
The Titans didn't just win this game. They demolished the Pats. Oh MY does this feel good. We were cheering so loud the tattered Titanics wallpaper peeled off the walls!! There is no better upset than beating the Patriots, and our Titanics were underdogs by 6 1/2. No Tom Terrific 4th quarter, baby. No points at all in the second half for the Patsies. New England's lack of a running game turned into a 40-yard TOTAL LACK of a running game. The Titans defense just put the screws on them and QB Marcus Mariota and a balanced running attack looked like a playoff team yesterday. Maybe it's just one week. But Nashville and all of Tennessee will take it. 5-4 and on the plus side of the NFL. Get off our patio!
BROWNS 28, FALCONS 16
Blank Helmet football hasn't been this fun since Brian Sipe or Bernie Kosar was dropping back and threading the needle and making Browns fans hearts stop. The Browns finally win big at home for the first time since the Harding administration (or week 13 of the 2015 season against a completely demoralized 49er team that finished 5-11). This was different. The Browns beat a team that had been averaging 25.5 points a game and had won 4 straight. And they looked flat-out exciting doing it. Browns fans witnessed a 92-yard run for a touchdown, which had to be explained to them was an actual legal NFL play by the helpful stadium ushers in the orange parkas with the pamphlets.
Brownie Baker Mayfield looked stellar...can I really say that about a Brown's QB? Somebody ask an usher. 3 TD passes, fabulous mobility extending plays. If they'd just use a darker tone of brown on the unis, we'd be in business. But I'm quibbling. Throw the popcorn a little higher, Browns fans. Good GOD that took a long time to happen. The best 3-6-1 team in the NFL, ladies and gents.
COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 20
It's not my idea of fun to report that the Cowboys pulled off an upset, but you gotta be honest to have any credibility around here. Otherwise, I'd have to move into the broom closet with the Commodore 64 (our fabulous nerve center of the Doormat Division!) be warmed by the battered space heater, and live on scraps from the neighbor's garbage grilled on the rusted Weber BBQ out on the patio. Are we done here? The Eagles are not last year's Eagles, and the Cowboys shouldn't have been 7 1/2 underdogs, but underdogs they were, and about to get their coach fired. So, a one-week reprieve for America's 2nd most tiresome team (sorry, Dallas, New England wins that one).
THE BACON OF EMBARRASSMENT
Somebody has to bring it home. And we've still got dysfunction programmed on NFL Sunday.
Let's start with the bottom of the pit:
RAIDERS 6, CHARGERS 20
The Charrrrraiders are the creme' de la creme' of the Doormat Division. Drive to the 1 yard line and don't score. Commit neutral zone infractions multiple times to turn 3rd and 6 into 3rd and 1 for the Chargers. When the Raiders got a turnover yesterday, we had to rewind it and watch it 4 or 5 times before we could understand that this had actually happened. It's like spotting a Dodo bird.
Oh..just top to bottom. A demoralized roster with a coach talking about being tough for building to future creating a vision of dysfunction that any fan can smell from a mile off, and see when Derek Carr bails and grounds a pass on 4th down to...wait why would you do that? Because there's just no point. The end zone is closed for the rest of the season, Raider Nation. Just stay in the parking lot next game. You've got a better seat.
A helpful graphic came up on the TV yesterday about the Raider 'defense':
Yards allowed: 27th (ranking)
3rd down conversions: 30th
Points allowed: 31st
Takeaways: 31st
Rush yards allowed LAST
Sacks LAST
6.8 yards allowed per play- highest in the Super Bowl era.
Let us close the crypt for now, and not view the offense's stats. It's just too grisly for a Monday morning.
BUCS 3, REDSKINS 16
Hold the other team to 15 first downs, rack up 501 yards of offense...and only score a field goal.
WOW. The Redskins get to register an UPSET with this impressive effort from the Bucs, with implosionary magician Ryan Fitzpatrick dealing from the Bucs backfield. A master of red zone disaster, Fitz threw an INT at the Washington 7 and dealt a fumble at the 2, threw in a fumble just outside the red zone, and ...isn't that enough? What else do you want from this man? More beard?
The Bucs are the most bizarre 3-6 team in the league.
CARDINALS 14, CHIEFS 28
The Cardinals don't have the 49ers on their schedule for any more games. Rookie QB Josh Rosen has a lot of learning to do. Should go 2-14 and Moldy Carpet contender. The most boring team in the league.
LIONS 22, BEARS 34
The Kittens have returned to the fold in the Basement. We have set up a cat box over by the possum's area, with the possum willing to persevere through the imposition for now. 3-6 and fading fast, the Lions have tough games to lose when they have the Cardinals and the Bills in consecutive weeks 12/9 and 12/16. Otherwise, they can run the table.
BENGALS 14, SAINTS 51
Astonishingly the bigger blowout of the weekend, topping the 52-21 PITT-CAR margin. Yes, the Bungles have a winning record, but they almost got under the 20-minute time of possession (20:14) a feat accomplished usually only once a year, and has not been attained yet this season.
TONIGHT'S MARQUEE MATCHUP:
GIANTS (1-7) at 49ers (2-7)
Huge game in the City That Is Not San Francisco tonight. Should settle the bragging rights in the NFC for at least 1 week.
OKAY! We still have our Moldy Carpet contenders, but HOORAY for the UNDERDOG this week!
The sun is shining a little brighter today, even from behind a massive cloud bank.
aaaAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!
NY Jets 3-7 208 254 -46
Jacksonville 3-7 134 170 -36
Buffalo 3-7 137 251 -114
Cleveland 3-6-1 218 263 -45
Denver 3-6 205 213 -8
BILLS 41, JETS 10
Okay, so it was the Jets, and without Sam Darnold. 7 points was a GAUDY amount to be favored by, but nobody saw this coming. Bills QB Matt Barkley last won a game when QB'ing for Chicago, in a snowstorm, against the 49ers, two years ago. It appeared to be the only conditions under which he could win a game. Not so!
The Bills just pulverized the Jets, converting 2 turnovers into points, racked up 451 yards of total offense, scored nearly HALF the points they'd scored all season, and just mowed the lawn with the Jets. Does it matter that the Jets were only one game better in the standings? Not in Buffalo! In fact, all the better because the Bills are not even in last place in the AFC East anymore. Woo-Hoo!
Does that feel good, Buffalo? Huh? Does it? The Bills get the Reeling Jaguars next week at home. Get out to the stadium, you long-suffering fans, and scream your heads off. Maybe it'll even snow for Mr. Barkley.
TITANS 34, PATRIOTS 10
The Titans didn't just win this game. They demolished the Pats. Oh MY does this feel good. We were cheering so loud the tattered Titanics wallpaper peeled off the walls!! There is no better upset than beating the Patriots, and our Titanics were underdogs by 6 1/2. No Tom Terrific 4th quarter, baby. No points at all in the second half for the Patsies. New England's lack of a running game turned into a 40-yard TOTAL LACK of a running game. The Titans defense just put the screws on them and QB Marcus Mariota and a balanced running attack looked like a playoff team yesterday. Maybe it's just one week. But Nashville and all of Tennessee will take it. 5-4 and on the plus side of the NFL. Get off our patio!
BROWNS 28, FALCONS 16
Blank Helmet football hasn't been this fun since Brian Sipe or Bernie Kosar was dropping back and threading the needle and making Browns fans hearts stop. The Browns finally win big at home for the first time since the Harding administration (or week 13 of the 2015 season against a completely demoralized 49er team that finished 5-11). This was different. The Browns beat a team that had been averaging 25.5 points a game and had won 4 straight. And they looked flat-out exciting doing it. Browns fans witnessed a 92-yard run for a touchdown, which had to be explained to them was an actual legal NFL play by the helpful stadium ushers in the orange parkas with the pamphlets.
Brownie Baker Mayfield looked stellar...can I really say that about a Brown's QB? Somebody ask an usher. 3 TD passes, fabulous mobility extending plays. If they'd just use a darker tone of brown on the unis, we'd be in business. But I'm quibbling. Throw the popcorn a little higher, Browns fans. Good GOD that took a long time to happen. The best 3-6-1 team in the NFL, ladies and gents.
COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 20
It's not my idea of fun to report that the Cowboys pulled off an upset, but you gotta be honest to have any credibility around here. Otherwise, I'd have to move into the broom closet with the Commodore 64 (our fabulous nerve center of the Doormat Division!) be warmed by the battered space heater, and live on scraps from the neighbor's garbage grilled on the rusted Weber BBQ out on the patio. Are we done here? The Eagles are not last year's Eagles, and the Cowboys shouldn't have been 7 1/2 underdogs, but underdogs they were, and about to get their coach fired. So, a one-week reprieve for America's 2nd most tiresome team (sorry, Dallas, New England wins that one).
THE BACON OF EMBARRASSMENT
Somebody has to bring it home. And we've still got dysfunction programmed on NFL Sunday.
Let's start with the bottom of the pit:
RAIDERS 6, CHARGERS 20
The Charrrrraiders are the creme' de la creme' of the Doormat Division. Drive to the 1 yard line and don't score. Commit neutral zone infractions multiple times to turn 3rd and 6 into 3rd and 1 for the Chargers. When the Raiders got a turnover yesterday, we had to rewind it and watch it 4 or 5 times before we could understand that this had actually happened. It's like spotting a Dodo bird.
Oh..just top to bottom. A demoralized roster with a coach talking about being tough for building to future creating a vision of dysfunction that any fan can smell from a mile off, and see when Derek Carr bails and grounds a pass on 4th down to...wait why would you do that? Because there's just no point. The end zone is closed for the rest of the season, Raider Nation. Just stay in the parking lot next game. You've got a better seat.
A helpful graphic came up on the TV yesterday about the Raider 'defense':
Yards allowed: 27th (ranking)
3rd down conversions: 30th
Points allowed: 31st
Takeaways: 31st
Rush yards allowed LAST
Sacks LAST
6.8 yards allowed per play- highest in the Super Bowl era.
Let us close the crypt for now, and not view the offense's stats. It's just too grisly for a Monday morning.
BUCS 3, REDSKINS 16
Hold the other team to 15 first downs, rack up 501 yards of offense...and only score a field goal.
WOW. The Redskins get to register an UPSET with this impressive effort from the Bucs, with implosionary magician Ryan Fitzpatrick dealing from the Bucs backfield. A master of red zone disaster, Fitz threw an INT at the Washington 7 and dealt a fumble at the 2, threw in a fumble just outside the red zone, and ...isn't that enough? What else do you want from this man? More beard?
The Bucs are the most bizarre 3-6 team in the league.
CARDINALS 14, CHIEFS 28
The Cardinals don't have the 49ers on their schedule for any more games. Rookie QB Josh Rosen has a lot of learning to do. Should go 2-14 and Moldy Carpet contender. The most boring team in the league.
LIONS 22, BEARS 34
The Kittens have returned to the fold in the Basement. We have set up a cat box over by the possum's area, with the possum willing to persevere through the imposition for now. 3-6 and fading fast, the Lions have tough games to lose when they have the Cardinals and the Bills in consecutive weeks 12/9 and 12/16. Otherwise, they can run the table.
BENGALS 14, SAINTS 51
Astonishingly the bigger blowout of the weekend, topping the 52-21 PITT-CAR margin. Yes, the Bungles have a winning record, but they almost got under the 20-minute time of possession (20:14) a feat accomplished usually only once a year, and has not been attained yet this season.
TONIGHT'S MARQUEE MATCHUP:
GIANTS (1-7) at 49ers (2-7)
Huge game in the City That Is Not San Francisco tonight. Should settle the bragging rights in the NFC for at least 1 week.
OKAY! We still have our Moldy Carpet contenders, but HOORAY for the UNDERDOG this week!
The sun is shining a little brighter today, even from behind a massive cloud bank.
aaaAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.