Kittens in top Form

After a promising fumble recivery and score to open the game, the Kittens have managed less than 200 yards offense while the Packers have rolled for 400 plus yards and 27 points.

Lions are still in the hunt for the moldy carpet!
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Thanksgiving Oracle

We really can be thankful for these two games. Not only do we have the Raydurz and Kittens, but also the stumbling Cowboys. As Wacko said, they are the worst 7-3 team in the NFL.

The lone voice from the red naugahide barstool has spun the old beer bottle and her are today's predictions:

Kittens - 13
Packers - 28

Raydurz - 17
Cowboys - 14

Happy Thanksgiving!
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Cellar Playoff Methods and the Underdog

Only 6 weeks to go for the Moldy Carpet.

Week 13 will be the beginning of the ELIMINATION ROUNDS, when teams no longer have a mathematical chance of taking the Moldy Carpet. They will be eliminated from the standings.

As each succeeding week unfolds, teams that can't hang with the real pros at getting your lunch handed to you week after week (and what DOES that phrase mean, anyway? Somebody punched you in the gut, you throw up, and then they HAND it to you?) will be kicked upstairs into the blinding light of contention. OR at least, dubious mediocrity.

This season of close scrutiny of the underbelly of the NFL has taught me a couple of things. One is it's really hard to execute well on any sort of high percentage in football. It's not as hard as hockey, but let's face it, in hockey you've got football players playing basketball on ice, so good luck with that. Most NFL teams are working really hard just to be OK. I have a renewed appreciation for the difficulty of pulling off a play 100%. If you interviewed coaches/off/def co-ordinators around the league, I wonder what percentage of success they would give you. 30%? 20%? Having a game turn out 13-10 is really not an embarrassment. It may not be entertaining, but we get very skewed memories about great teams of the past. the 49ers are 5-0 in Super Bowls, but if you look at regular season games of the Joe Montana era, there are many many low scoring games that were not pretty. Around here, in San Francisco, you'd think Joe threw for 400 yards every game.

Also, some of our beloved bottom dwelling teams are bad almost by accident, and some are bad by design. The Raiders are bad by design. It's been carefully crafted. The Lions were made REALLY bad by design in the last 5 years because they had Matt Millen guiding the team carefully into the abyss. I remember 10 years ago, it seemed like the Browns were building a great franchise with many front office people snatched from the 49ers, but it all went south, and they have, I think, been shocked by what has happened to them.

If the Browns OR the Lions started winning, I think I'd become rabidly involved, now that I'm following them closely. When I first moved to San Francisco, in 1976, the 49ers were TERRIBLE. They were Kings of the Bonehead Forest. I had never lived in a town with an NFL team, and though the Raiders were faves, too, I followed the Niners, especially since they had the extremely amusing Lon Simmons at the mike for radio- a man who could take a one sided blow-out and turn it into a absurdist romp through non-sequiter free form Ken Nordine style thinking, exiting the horrors of the game completely. The man knew when the pain of the game was too great, and radios were going off all over. Fellow Cellar members DTRocks and Walkfish attended the Buffalo-Niners game at the end of the '80 season with me, when Montana and company began to show flashes of talent. The game seemed completely lost, but somehow at the end the Niners were right there, hurling passes into the end zone on the final play (though losing still). The next year, they won the Super Bowl. Their odds were something like 200-1. I had moved to Seattle, for one year, at the time, and almost went insane because I couldn't be in SF for the playoff run. I can't explain the joy I felt- but if you've ever lived through the interminable losing, when suddenly the team wins- at all- it's all good. And many times the games you really love are the 13-7 affairs, where they play like crap but WIN ANYWAY. That's football at it's finest, really. You fight to win the game.

So, with all our celebration of the competition for the Moldy Carpet, I give thanks to these teams that have my attention, because one of these days one of them is going to rise up, and snatch the crown at the other end of the tunnel, and there will be joy in Mudville. Even if it isn't my hometown. Toss the coin, you bums, you never know what's going to happen.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

2 Cellar Games on TURKEY DAY

What could be more appropriate? Kittens- Packers and Raydurz- Cowboys- 2 Cellar Teams on Turkey Day.

Shane Lechler goes for whacking the absurd video board at X-Box 360 Stadium in Dallas on Thanksgiving, the Cowboys #1 special teams device for keeping punts low and straight.

It's only 90 feet up there, and the man with the biggest foot in football goes for keeping his potentially record-setting 51.5 yard avg. in fine form. It's gonna be tough if he can't go for the hang time. And, these aren't line drives he's kicking. The are looong AND high.

"Yeah, I could hit it," Lechler says. "If that guy in Tennessee can hit it, I can hit it." Hey, that's Cellar to Cellar, so they oughta know. These are guys who have to ice down their leg after the game. Even with a win and a new QB under their belts, the Raydurz should still give Lechler 7-10 shots at it. The more you punt, the further you are from victory, but boy you sure get the practice!

So, if Lechler doesn't set the record, we can blame Jerry Jones and America's Team. Sounds fine to me. I blame Jerry Jones for global warming.

Do the Raydurz have a chance? The Cows are the worst 7-3 team in the league, but I think reality is going to visit Mr. Cellar there under rump for the Raydurz. He's gonna look like a hunted animal and get the stuffing knocked out of him. I'm predicting 3 interceptions, 2 fumbles, and 5 sacks, and...lots of punts. Also, Raiders typically follow up good defensive efforts with a stinker.

Cows 31 Raydurz 13

KITTENS-Packers! It's at Ford Field! QB Matthew Stafford dislocated his left shoulder (non-do-anything hand) on the next to last play of the wild win over Cleveland, and he's 'questionable' for the game. Without him, Daunte Culpepper steps in, can't move, and gets hammered. Kittens should get back on the schnied no problem.

Packers 28 Kittens 7

Cellar Fireworks are Coming to a Basement Near You

CLOSE, BUT NO HAVANNA:

We have some fantastic games coming for the Brownies in the home stretch, and they cannot disappoint. Brownies/Cheeps and Brownies/Rayduhs. Both games may warrant sports bar attendance as they are in the final throws of what is shaping up to be an outstanding season of failure for the Brownies. I think the Rayduhs and Cheeps will sustain enough "high" from this weekend to take it to the Brownies and forge "statement" games out of these contests. One can only hope.

As for the Lambs, they have a classic Cellar match up next weekend with the Seahags. Game one of the season saw the hags put a beat down on the Lambs with a nasty shut out, I believe. The Lambs don't do revenge. In fact, they put a whole new spin on the phrase "lick your chops." Seattle has become increasingly inept lately, but I'm sure they will right the ship with the Lambs. The only real chance for the Lambs to blow this for me might be with the Titanics. However, the sinking ships are looking a lot more water tight lately, and I can't believe there is any real threat here.

With any luck, my crew will end up with just the two current wins, and moldy carpet will be in my future!

Weak XI Wrap-up and Disposal

Holy Fricking Cow what a weekend!! It’s UPSET WEEKEND!

Two, count ‘em TWO, cellar dwellers rise up and knock off a division leader and last year’s Super Bowl champs. The Kittens and the Brownies play the most inspiring game of the year, complete with injured QB heroics for the final play, and…and everybody else lost as usual. Seahags win WORST TEAM OF THE WEEK. Brownies and Lambs still rule the Rumpus Room.

I’m going to keep it brief, because I have to go down to the courthouse and sign up for comedy traffic school, so the laughs are all on me in a little bit.

LIONS 38- Brownies 37

That’s right- the LIONS. Matthew Stafford pulls an end-around the bench, eluding team doctors, lumbers onto the field like the hunchback of Ford Field, and throws the winning touchdown. What a GAME!! Nothing like having the two worst defensive backfields in the league square off. Some receivers were so far open that they got lonely and started talking trash to themselves.

Some numbers:

Brady Quinn doubled his career TD passing totals (4 yesterday), and some were wonderful ‘heave it up there’ bombs.

The Brownies exceed their highest point total of the year before 1^st quarter ends.

Stafford throws 5 TD passes, the most for a rookie since 1937.

Both teams clear 20 first downs- and the Brownies just don’t do that.

In fact, the Brownies don’t do anything except lose…and they still did. My condolences to the city of Cleveland, but your guys did put on a hell of a show.

Raydurz 20 Bungles 17

Mr. Cellar, Bruce Gradkowski, guides the Raydur offense to a wild late touchdown, and then Bungles cough it up on the ensuing kick-off, giving Sea Bass (Sebastian Janikowski) a point-blank field goal chip shot to WIN the game. And the smallest crowd of the year (33,000 and that’s inflated) goes wild! Kudos to the Raydur defense for playing tough again, going blitz crazy (10) and getting rewarded for it.

Here’s a few comments from the Raydurz about their new QB: “He commanded the huddle and was punctual.” “He gave great feedback today when he came off the field.” “We practiced that throw (on the touchdown to Murphy) all week”

“If the number one option isn’t there, he knows where to go.” Hearing his coach say Mr. Cellar may have been a little too amped up, guard Robert Gallery said “Shit I hope he was amped up!”

I think we knowz who they REALLY be talking about.

CHEAPS 27 Rustbelters 24 (OT)

Jesus it just doesn’t stop around here. The Chiefs do it again, winning with less than 15 first downs. Freaking amazing. That’s two in a row, and the fresh air must feel good in those basement lungs. Personally, it gives me great pleasure to see the AFC west rise up and clock the AFC central, and for the Chargers to bury the Broncos. Great day in the AFC west.

All these teams won at home before delirious fans.

OK. Everybody else lost.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK? Vikings 35- Seahags 9. Welcome to the league, ‘Hags, you guys BELONG. Seriously. See below.

Statistical Leaders Weak XI:

Least points: 6, Deadskins

Fewest first downs: 10, Seahags

Lowest total yards: 212, Sehags

Most turnovers: 4, Bootineers

Most penalties: 10 for 64 yards, Seahags

Passing low: 100, Bootineers (on 17-33-3)

Rushing low: 4 (that’s not a mistake) Seahags

Most yards given up: 515, Cheaps (how did they win this game??)

Shortest Time of possession: 17:49 Seahags!

Eggchair Jim's Blow-Out Weekend Predictions

Even though I'm posting them, these be Eggchair Jim's:

Deadskins 3
Dallas 38

Seahags 17
Vikings 41

Cleveland 3
Kittens 27

Nils 10
Jacksonville 27

Pittsburgh 52
Cheeps 0

New Orleans 41
Bootineers 10

Arizona 45
Lambs 6

Bengals 31
Raydurz 10

Titanics 12
Texans 10

Today's big headline

Big Raydurz headline in the Chronicle today (which only makes it to page 3 at this point):

"Heyward-Bey needs to start catching the Ball."

Oh, I don't know, it's only week XI. People are so impatient.

Here's the #1 pick wildly overpaid receiver's assessment of the situation:

"As long as I don't get down on myself to the point where I don't want to play, that what you don't want to do."

right. Wait, what? It's the FANS that don't want you to play Darrius. There's room on the bench right next to Ja-miss-it, and I'm sure he's got plenty of donuts over there.

He also said "It's all about how you bounce back." It's the BALL that's bouncing back, Dropius. It's doing that in multiple caroms on some plays.

Chad 85 of the Bengals has this to say about Dropius' iron hands: " You can't be in the NFL and try to work on it now, because it's too late. You're missing the boat. You're going to miss the ship if you don't know how to play receiver before you get here."

But where has DHB gotten himself to? The Cellar! Dude, the ship never docks here. Except for the Titanic.

Oracle from the Basement Weak XI

The lone voice from the fake leather barstool in the basement was miserably inaccurate last week, but the old Blitz bottle is spinning and the Oracle will try again.

This could be a week when everybody loses. Bot the beer bottle says not so fast.

I wonder if it is possible for the Kittens and Lanbs to tie in triple overtime?

Deadskins 21
Dallas 18

Seahags 24
Vikings 28

Cleveland 9
Kittens 17

Nils 10
Jacksonville 24

Pittsburgh 33
Cheeps 10

New Orleans 42
Bootineers 14

Arizona 28
Lambs 7

Bengals 28
Raydurz 3

Titanics 18
Texans 10
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I'm Sorry Your Head Looks Like a Potato

How angry is Pittsburgh after losing to The Bengals? They may put a hurtin' on The Peeps.
I think Kurt Warner will play out of his head and throw 6 TD passes.
The Skinflix have tasted victory and may still be half crazed to taste it again. The Cowgirls better watch out.

And, I know it's against league rules to talk about good teams, but what happened to The Patriots the other night? Why would you not punt? I really did not get that, and I was thrilled to see it happen because I hate the Pats like nothing else. It was fun to watch the difference in style between Manning and Brady. Manning looks so Unitas like with that stiff body and shuffling feet. Brady looks like a CG version of the perfect athlete - smooth, perfect body, flawless motion, cool as the basement in winter. Even the shape of their heads is consistent with their overall aesthetic - Manning's is square, block like, and bulging. Brady's looks like something a super model would cradle in her arms and suck on all night. My God, his head is a giant lollipop!