Doormat Week 13: RAIDERS TAKE CHARGE!!

MAKE WAY FOR THE KING

RAIDERS 0,  RAMS 52
Leaving no doubt about who is the worst team in the league, in perhaps the most phenomenal defeat in their history (the 1961 55-0 loss to Houston included), the Oakland Raiders played the worst game I've ever seen a pro football team play.  In a complete implosion after their lone victory 10 days ago, the Silver and Blacked Out pulled out all the stops:  5 turnovers. Linebackers falling for fakes that don't work in Little Guy football. QBs running for their lives. Running plays to nowhere. The dinkiest dink passes known to human-kind. A barrage of 3-and-outs in the first half.  Four 3rd-and-1 play calls- sideline pass plays- that had no chance of converting into a first down. 3 of those the first 3 possessions.  For all the world it looked intentional. When you have the biggest moose at fullback in the entire league, Marcel Reese, and you do not run him on 3rd and a yard, there is really something systemically planned going on. Add to this a hysterical chaos that is sometimes called a defensive backfield on other football teams, and you get a hail of touchdowns racked up so fast, the Rams had their biggest lead of the season (14-0) for only about 2 minutes before it got doubled.  The Raiders didn't play defense- they held a charity event.  The Raider 'D' took more bad angles than the drunks down at my local billiard hall.

And just when the avalanche seemed to have stopped, the Blacked Out pulled out forgotten big off-season pick-up Matt Schaub at QB, threw him into the fray, and Matt delivered the cherry-on-top pick-six in the 4th quarter, getting the Rams over the half-century mark.  Pop the champagne!

Raiders coach Tony Sporano said the Blacked Out weren't sharp all week. Not sharp? Coach, coach, COACH.  That was the greatest Doormat performance possible. Sporting the worst Turkey Day hangover of all time must be recognized, but this kind of bad takes at least 2, maybe 3 years of prep, and the Raiders have made it.  Once they got ol' tiresome Al out of the way, and his boob of a son Mark got ahold of the team, it's been a hard charge into the biggest sinkhole in the history of Commitment to Excellence.

The Raiders, the worst team in football for the last 11 years, are now the Worst Team in Football RIGHT NOW.  Mission Accomplished.

Let's have a look at the standings, and then let's skewer the other games:

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 13
 

NFC               W-L              PF       PA       DIFF 

Tampa Bay      2-10              220      314       -94

Washington     3-9                244      322       -78 

NY Giants       3-9                257      319        -62

Carolina           3-8-1             228      337       -85

Minnesota        5-7                233      257       -24

AFC             

Oakland           1-11              176      337      -161            

Jacksonville      2-10             186     329      -143

NY Jets             2-10             190      319      -129

Tennessee        2-10              213      338      -125

*Houston           6-6

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

GIANTS 24, JAGUARS 25
In this huge Doormat tilt, staked to a 21-0 lead by the Jaguars, the New York Gnats turn it around with TWO fumbles- one in their end zone and the other run back 41 yards- for Jaguar touchdowns, thus saving the Jags the bother of having to move the football, which is usually not on the clipboard.  The Giants make sure they don't get the last field goal, they hit 7 straight losses, lose to the #2 team in the Doormat, and keep within a game of Tampa Bay in the NFC.  Pow!

BUCS 13,  BENGALS 14
Bengals QB Andy Dalton really really tried, but 3 interceptions will not do it against the Bootineers, not when first place is there for the taking, and 10 losses are on the line. Faced with a first and goal after an interception, and the lead 7 yards away, the Boots refuse to move into the end zone, kick a field goal, and come up 1 point short.  Arr!  The Boots walk their own plank.

DEADSKINS 27, COLTS 49
This was like a college game, where the really bad team somehow stays with the much better team until early in the 3rd quarter, and then they just can't keep up.  The Sunburns run out of gas, hit the gatorade table, and come up with the big loss.  Only one game out of first in the Doormat NFC.

TITANS 21,  ASTROS 45
I mean, the TEXANS.  If you can make Texan QB Ryan Fitzpatrick wind up with a 147.5 rating, you are really really...really scraping the bottom of the tallow bin, baby.  Titanics get Houston out to a 24-0 lead, bring in once-upon-a-time franchise QB Jake Locker, and Jake whips out two INTs and a fumble.
Titanics make it to 10 losses as well.  Glub!

FALCONS 29, CARDINALS 18
The Falcons accidentally got out to a 17-0 lead, had no idea how to respond, and couldn't get back on track.  Cardinal QB Drew Stanton finished being an effective stand-in QB 3 weeks ago, and the Falcons had no response.  Holy Cow, Atlanta won a game.  SCREEECH!

PANTHERS 13, VIKINGS 31
Finally, the Minnesota Vikes played a cold weather game in Minneapolis for the first time since Martin Van Buren was president. And guess what?  They won!  Today's only palindrome score, the Vikings get whacked with TWO easy punt blocks, which they run in for scores, and they cannot recover.  Getting ahead of the Pansies 21-3 is murder.  You're not going to lose.  Cam Newton has you right where he wants you.

aaaAAAaAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

THE STREAK

What do These Teams Have in Common?

None of them have been to the playoffs in at least 5 years.    Who will continue the legacy?

Buffalo:  The Buffalo Nils, at 5-7, are mathematically still in the hunt.  Ever gone hunting mathematically?   Didn't think so.   The Nils are working a 12-year drought, the franchise record.  Can they maneuver safely to 13?   Last division title:  1995 (17 years).  Last Super Bowl Victory:  oh, c'mon.

Oakland Raiders:  After last night's embarrassment  before a national television audience (assuming someone was watching outside of Denver), the hitchhikers to LA are heading for their 11th straight season off the radar.   Their last playoff game was Super Bowl XXXVII, the Chucky Beat-Down Revenge Stuff It Al Game.   A 48-21 drubbing from Tampa Bay that put the Chucky Hex on, which continues to this day.   11 dry years also franchise record.  Last Division Title:  2002 (10)

By the way,  5 (soon to be six) of the Broncos victories are from AFC West teams.  Without their own hopeless division, the Chargers would be 1-12.  The Chiefs, on the other hand,  have beaten only NFC teams.  They need to move.

Cleveland:  The Brownies, still remotely in the playoff picture,  are working the 9-year drought, and that's their franchise record, too.  And to think 9 years only gets them in 3rd here.  Last Division Title: 1989 (20- does not include the 'doormant' years.)  That's doormant, not doormat.  Last Super Bowel appearance-  NEVER.  

St. Louis:   The Lambs stand at 7, which is not their all-time record disappearing act (11).  They are also still faintly glimmering in the playoff light, fresh off the huge upset of the 49ers, which didn't seem at all like an upset after the tie last month.  The Lambs have a legitimate shot to make the playoffs...if they somehow sign 3 new offensive linemen who can pass block.  This is the best bad team in the league, right now.   Last Division Title:  2003 (8)

Jacksonville:  Has it really only been 5 years?  I bet in Gaguar Country, it seems like 100.   

In addition to this minor measure of football inconsequentialness (did I really write that?  I need to get a beer),  

Rams Crush Crudinals for Braggin' Rights in the NFC West

CRUDINALS EXPOSED

Rams 17,  Cardinals 3

In the game to decide who is moving ahead of who in the NFC Worst, and out of the dog house, the St. Louis Lambs take it to the University of Phoenix Crudinals even more decisively than expected here in the Basement.   With absolutely NO running game, the Cruds attempt to go all air on the Lambs, and  it was the GREEN LIGHT to the new Rams defense that, apparently, has more than Mutton Chops.   EIGHT SACKS, and TWO helmet removals on QB Kevin Kolb.   Kolb vaults past Aaron Rodgers into the sack lead with an astronomical 22 in just 5 games.   Wow!

The Cruds generate zero offense, which is saying something in this game, as Lambs QB Sam Bradford turned in one of the worst games of his career, though he kept the interceptions to a meager one.   At one point Bradford was 3 for 16 for 45 yards!  But then he connected on a 51-yard TD to Chris Givens and his yardage total got all bloated.  He finished 7-21 for 141 yards, maintaining a passer rating below 70 (69.7).  That's just plain Doormat All-Star, and the guy won anyway.  

The Rams have won every home game.  That's gotta feel good up in the stands.  

Holy Cow the LAMBS have a winning record!!!!   I can't say Adios Bro-Cha-Cho yet, as they have to get to 8 wins, but the Rams are showing signs of beating up the other mediocrities hanging around our patio.  Next up: MIAMI

If the Seahags can pull out a win this Sunday against Carolina, the entire NFC West will have a winning record, and that hasn't happened since 1898!   

-wacko

DOORMAT DIVISION: THE WORST OF THE NFL WEEK 3

RAGNAROK IN MINNEAPOLIS!!!!!

VIKINGS 24,  49ers  13

Ragnar was shaking the hands of the vanquished yesterday, and the gloating was never better.   Crowned the best team in the NFL by just about everybody last week, the 49ers waltz into MALL of AMERICA Field and get MAULED by supposedly the worst team in the NFC Central, the Minnesota Yikings.  

The Niners turn it over 3 times, the replacement officials make the Doormat proud as usual, and the Yikes do the smart thing early- rush Alex Smith right up the middle.   The Yikes make no turnovers, and the game was over as soon as the 49ers started believing the hype, which was probably last Tuesday.  Christian Ponder looked very sharp.

The Vikings always play the 49ers tough, and this was no exception.  The Vikes just barely lost their first two games, and now it looks like Detroit has to worry about staying out of the basement.  Let’s see what happens when divisional play starts up.

Hats off and a can of stale PBR raised sorta high to the Minnesota Vikings for pulling off the Upset of the Week!!   Enjoy it, Minnesota, who knows when you will win again?

GAME OF THE WEEK

JAGUARS 22,  COLTS 17

 OK, that’s enough of that winning stuff.   Yesterday’s tilt in Indy was the marquee Doormat game.  It didn’t disappoint. Let’s cut to the second half, where the wheels came off, with the Dolts leading 14-3.

 The Gaguars tried valiantly to keep the scoring to field goals only, but the Dolts secondary counters with a total lack of communication, busting Maurice Jones-Drew free for a 59-yard jaunt in the third quarter.  TD!  The Dolts respond with an interception from Andrew Luck- he’s starting to get the hang of those- and the Jags mortar-fire in a 47 yard prayer of a FG to make it 14-13, still managing to keep the Dolts in the lead.  

Undaunted, the Dolts punt immediately.  As the 3^rd quarter wanes, the Gags start a ‘drive’ on their own 15, and the Dolts pull a 3-penalty defense, hauling the Gags butts over the 50-yard line and deep into Dolts territory.  The Gags counter with their own penalty, but it was no match for the Dolts strategy.   The Gags finally dig in their heels and stop the drive at the Indy 8.   They have no choice but to kick the field goal and TAKE THE LEAD,  16-14.   

The Gags then counter with some porous defense, and a perfectly timed Unnecessary Roughness yellow hanky, landing the Dolts way down at the Gags 22.   3 inept plays later, the Dolts line up for a field goal, but it’s dangerously close, so they take the Delay of Game penalty, and Vinatieri has enough room to shank the damn thing into the locker room tunnel.    Whew!  Gags still up 16-14.

Then, 3 hard fought punts later, the Gags open up a lane for Luck and D. Brown scampers down to the Jacksonville 28.  Only 1:33 left.   The Gags use up every single timeout, trying to look earnest, and guide the Dolts down to the 19, and no delay of game shenanigans this time from Indy (you can’t do that twice it’s too obvious), and Vinatieri trys to shank it, but connects and the ball just scrapes past the left upright. 

Dolts 17- Gags 16.  

Fifty-six seconds left and no timeouts.  Game over right?  Not even close.   The Dolts have the secret weapon- their circus of a defensive secondary.  Only these guys can ‘lose track’ of a short crossing route and turn it into the longest play of the game.  Blaine Gabbert dumps a shorty over the middle to Cecil Shorts III, and Shorts has no place to go but ALL THE WAY.    Gags blow the 2-point conversion, dangling the tantalizing chance of still losing right there for everyone to gawk at.  Gags 22- Dolts 17

45 ticks left.   The Gags show what their made of on the kick-off, getting the Dolts out to the Indy 38.  Luck then makes a desperate heave that connects all the way down to the Gags 26.   Just think, if Vinatieri had made that earlier field goal, all they gotta do is try another.  What planning.  Instead, Luck gets to try his first consecutive NFL Hail-Marys, all for nought, and the Dolts nail down the loss.

WHAT A GAME!!

TOTAL STINKER

CHARGERS 3,  FALCONS 27

 The Chargers check in with the #1 Doormat performance of the week, even if they are 2-1.  Hey, it’s early yet.  Give them time.   4 turnovers (2 and 2) and that just killed any sort of momentum at all.  Why punt when you can just give it back!  When did Philip Rivers start randomly yelling at people, do you suppose?  Imagine him tailgating you on the freeway.

The Rest of the Sorry Pile

CHIEFS 27, SAINTS 24  (OT)

 New Orleans turns in the best Come From Ahead Loss we've seen in ages.  Leading 24-6 late in the 3rd quarter, the Aints start the comeback by getting Jamaal Charles (288 yards rushing) to streak down the field on a 91-yard romp.  Then the Cheaps do it the cheapest way possible, by adding on 3 field goals and a SAFETY.  Good Grief!!  The Aints (0-3!!!!) get only 14 first downs,  punt 6 times (ok it’s not Brownie numbers, but still),  amass a meager 288 yards, and show some serious hospitality to the Cheaps, giving them 510 yards of rug.  In OT, the Aints score a touchdown on a fumble return, but the call gets reversed and KC kicks a field goal and the AINTS are the only winless team in the NFC.   Next loss:  at Green Bay.  Desperation time.   

BEARS 23,  RAMS 6

 Lambs QB Sam Bradford throws 35 times, gets intercepted twice (one for a TD),  sacked six, and piles up an impressive 101 yards.  Chicago counters with 1 offensive touchdown and a pile of field goals.  They are no match for the Lambs losing machine.  Lambs clean UP in the statistical categories this week (see below.)

CARDINALS 27,  EAGLES 6

 The Crudinals, picked by many to be the class of the Doormat NFC teams, are 3-0 and in first in the NFC West.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are 2-1 but I dunno, man.   Michael Vick can really do the killer fumble, and he’s on pace to set a record if he keeps this up.   He loses two more yesterday, and, once again, the Eagles don’t play up to their expected potential.  Maybe they need to dial it down a little.  

The last time the Crudinals were 3-0, Jim Hart was QB, Terry Metcalf was at RB and Mel Gray was going long. 

 TITANS 44,  LIONS 41  (OT)

These teams combined for 46 points in the 4^th quarter yesterday.  That’s insane.  This morning, they are both 1-2 and looking like candidates to get blown out by the good teams.   The Lions are finding creative ways to lose.  They have a porous defense.  They dig holes and have to climb out of them.   The Kittens pile up 583 yards of offense, and lose.   Tennessee punted ONCE.

BILLS 24,  BROWNS  14

 The Brownies were in this game.  But they weren’t going to let the Nils break the streak.   Rookie Brandon Weeden checks in with 2 more INTs, bringing him to 6 for the season against 3 TDs.   That’s Doormat all-star numbers.  Eight punts for the Brownies.  Ball goes up….ball goes down…ball goes up…   Next loss:  Thursday in Baltimore.

RAIDERS 34,   STEELERS 31

 Raydurzz get up off the mat, and with the Black Hole screaming like crazy, and the game inexplicably on TV locally, the Silver and Black avert going down the Black Hole for the rest of the season.  Stay tuned.

COWBOYS 16, BUCANNEERS 10

 The Bootineers might have the worst offense in the league.  12 first downs,  166 total yards.  Get out the orange unis!!  December 23^rd-  Lambs vs. Boots.  Could decide the whole Moldy Carpet for the NFC. 

JETS 23,  DOLPHINS  (OT)

 Was every game in overtime yesterday?   The Floppers were up against it yesterday, as the Jets-Bills-Flops battle in the east is going to make it tough to lose a ton.  But they still got it done.  Now they have to worry about New England, who pulled out another loss yesterday.

BENGALS 38, REDSKINS 31        

 The last time the Deadskins were 1-2 this early in the season was…2010.  Even with RGB III in there, the Deadskins are showing consistency.   Bungles 2-1.  They went 9-7 last year.  They haven’t had two straight winning seasons since 1980-81.  I kid you not.  They have a LONG way to go.

THE WORST STATS NFL WEEK 3 2012

Points:                        3                        Chargers

First downs:            12                        Rams,  Bucs

Total yards:            160                        Rams

Rush:                        33                        Brownies

Pass:                        91                        Bucs

Turnovers:            4                        Chargers

Sacked:            6                        Rams, Reddskins

Punts:                        8                        Browns, Bucs, Redskins

Penalties:            14                        Ravens (and they WON)

Time of poss:            23:45                        Raiders (edging the Chargers by 1 second).

aaAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!           

The Doormat Division: The Final Countdown Week 17

The Final Countdown

It’s here. The last weekend of the regular season in the Doormat Division. One last weekend of expert bumbling, fumbling and grumbling and then you can take off that clown suit, put on a disguise, and hope nobody recognizes you on your way to the airport.

THE MOLDY CARPET hangs in the balance on Sunday, and may the loser take all.

San Francisco 49ers at St. Louis Rams

My local paper’s headline today: “Lowly Rams Have Nothing to Lose.”

People, PEOPLE! They have everything to lose. They have EVERY REASON to lose. They have the best reason to lose, and to lose super duper ooper big. It’s for the MOLDY CARPET trophy and the first pick in the draft. And, unless I read these people wrong, they won’t draft an offensive lineman or somebody, ANYBODY, for defense, they’ll take Andrew Luck and really screw up Sam Bradford’s head. Why stop now? Down to their 14^th string QB, the Lambs will be pulling out all the stops, pulling up their pantyhose and putting a cherry on the top of the kind of season other Doormat teams only can dream about. And if they can finish this season with one more big fat ‘L’, and a Dolts victory, they will have nailed down a season that was put together way back in truncated training camp in Earth City, MO. Earth City. The name just says DIRT.

Though the Lambs and Niners can play some dreadful games (see the last 5 years), the Lambs warmed up last week by not scoring a point, and will be shooting for a repeat goose egg. They didn’t score the last time these two met, so I don’t see why not. If they ‘zero-out,’ they will finish the season with 166 points, a sparkling 10.3 average that puts them in some very elite company. They can’t get under the truly rarified air of under 10, inhabited by no one since the Seahags of ’92 (8.75), the orange pants of Tampa in ’77 (7.3) and the Falcons of ‘74 (7.9). No, ’77 wasn’t the year the Bucs lost them all. That was ’76. Great times in Tampa back then.

In addition to maybe winning the whole Losing Season, the Lambs are a lock to take Worst Offense, Fewest Points and Fewest TDs, are tied for Most Sacks (52 with Cardinals), in the lead for Most Punts (100 to the Jaguars 97), have the lead for Worst Kicker (73% on FGs), and are a lock for Worst Run Defense. The Lambs also give up more big gainers that just put the ice pick into the heart of hope than any other team in the league.

Their only ace in the hole for Sunday is if the 49ers punter, Andy Lee, is obsessed with beating out Shane Lechler of Oakland for Biggest Foot, and starts kicking every punt into the end zone and gives the Lambs some breathing room to actually move the ball. The Punt Derby is intense! Lechler has a 50.7 average and Lee is at 49.8. Reaching 50 yards per punt usually takes being on a team that can’t get past their own 35 yard line on at least 8 possessions a game. Which explains how Donnie Jones of the Lambs did it in 2008! Lechler also cleared the bar in 2009 (JaMarcus “Purple Drank” Russell at the helm for the Rayduuuuurrrrz). Before that? You have to go all the way back to Slingin’ Sammy Baugh in 1940, checking in with the NFL all-time best 51.7. And the ball was fatter. Sammy sure wasn’t, that’s for damn sure.

EDGE: LAMBS

BUT NOT SO FAST!

Indianapolis Colts at Jacksonville Jaguars

The Dolts are dangerous now. They’ve won two in a row, and now here come the Gaguars, who have already shed their coach, won the requisite ‘new coach’ game since then, and really have to get going, as those tee times at the golf courses of Florida don’t just sit around waiting for you. The Gags can’t even win the Florida Bowl, as Tampa has come out of nowhere and just clocked the Gags and the Dolphins (capping that with a titanic 41-14 loss to Jacksonville in week 14). Only thing left is can QB Blaine Gabbert finish under 50% on competions (50.1% right now!) and take the Worst QB Title. The Dolts? This team needs the #1 draft pick and Andrew Luck more than just about anybody. Peyton Manning is now a coach, basically. He needs somebody to coach. But if the Dolts don’t bench Dan Orlovsky, it’s going to be hard to lose this one. I’m going out on a big limb, like a three toed sloth- the Dolts can’t win 3 in a row. It’d be like the Rings of Saturn turning into Skittles.* The Gaguars, somehow, God I don’t know how, will win this game. It will be the ugliest thing you’ve ever seen. The Dolts will take the Moldy Carpet and still get Lucky.

EDGE: DOLTS

*this is assuming the Rings of Saturn are, in fact, not Skittles presently.

The REST OF THE GODS OF GAWDAWFUL!

Buffalo Bills at New England

The Nils shoot for loss #10, completely unthinkable back in week 8. Ryan Fitzpatrick, in a 4-way dead heat for Most Interceptions (19), will be going all out against the Pats, who have, what a coincidence, 19 INTs on the season. You gotta believe,

EDGE: NILS

Chicago Un-Bears at Minnesota Yikings

This should be a whopper of a flopper. Yikings won last week, and now get to play inside, away from that bothersome outdoor world and everything. Eww! Gosh, I hope the field has that radiant heat thing going on, because I just hate landing on unheated Astro-turf. My Yikings are so annoying, they can’t even lose properly, they can’t win the Moldy Carpet, they can’t make the playoffs, they can’t win the Super-Bowl and they can’t even bring back the purple pants. Joe Kapp decked somebody at a dinner for old jocks last month, and that’s about the best thing I can say for the Vikings. I don’t believe these guys can win two in a row, but remember, this is my team, so my judgement is clouded over like the ice on a busy fishing day on the lake.

EDGE: Yikes

Tampa Bay Buccaneers at Atlanta

Want a shock? The Bucs beat the Falcons, waaaaaaaaaaaaay back in week 3, 16-13, en route to their 3-game winning streak, which was followed by the ominous 48-3 loss to the 49ers, but then followed by their ultra shocking win against the Saints. Since then? 9 straight bomb jobs that has had jaws, and footballs, dropping all over the NFL. These guys have been hoisting the Worst Team of the Week flag repeatedly in the Doormat. Josh Freeman has come out of nowhere to tie for most INTS, and has got his team only one fumble behind for the Worst Hands Awards, at 27. Just ahead of them are the Broncos (with Fumble King Tim Tebow checking in with 11) at 28, and the Dolphins at 28. Now, you can’t win the Florida Derby and have some team in Miami put it on the carpet more than you, so look for LaGarrette Blount (5), Freeman (8), and fumble God Preston Parker (8) to really ramp it up on Sunday. Johnny Depp can’t drop the treasure any better than these Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything.

EDGE: Bucs

Seattle Seahawks at University of Phoenix Cardinals

Last year, this would have decided who won the NFC Worst. But now the 49ers have screwed that up, and these teams are mired in either going 8-8 or 7-9, which are neither winning seasons nor a place inside the Basement. Go 7-9 and we’ll let you hang around the BBQ all Winter on the patio, but that’s it. C’mon, be a man and lose 10. Honestly.

EDGE: I don’t care and neither should you.

Pittsburgh Steelers at Cleveland Browns

For some reason, the good people of Cleveland are being asked to attend a football game on New Years’ day that involves the Blank Helmet Boys. How this says Happy New Year, I don’t know. The free boxes of Chomps Cereal (with special New Year’s day flavor, “Hangover”) at the gate aren’t really going to help. Just another Brownie Bake Sale by the Lake. When will it all end? Oh, yeah, around 4:30 Sunday. Get your orange OFF.

Washington Redskins at Philadephia Eagles

The Deadskins made the 10 club last week, showing their mettle in a hard fought loss agains the Vikings that cemented their membership in the Doormat. The Eagles, on the other hand, have won 3 in a row, can make it to 8-8, and you aren’t a doormat if you do that, no matter how imploded you once were this season. It’s been fun to watch these guys create some of the most creative losses of the season, and on prime-time, too, but they can’t blow the last game…can they?

EDGE: Deadskins

Enjoy this last gasp of flailing!

aaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!

The Doormat Division NFL Week 16 Wrap-Up and Disposal!

It's Xmas morning, so I gotta start grilling some coffee for 27 people in a minute:

The MOLDY CARPET runs thru Jacksonville, just like we predicted about 8 weeks ago. The Indianpolis Dolts, insane winners of two in a row (this just isn't done in the Doormat), and the St. Louis Lambs are neck and neck as we near the finish line. The Dolts have to blow it in Gaguar land, and the Lambs just have to lie down peacfully in San Francisco, like the goose egg they put up yesterday in Pittsburgh, and the Trophy goes back to St. Louis. I really can't believe the Dolts can win 3 in a row....but I didn't think they would win 2, so let's just see if the Gags go on vacation early. It's going down to the WIRE. Important timing- the Dolts-Gags game will be over before the the Lambs-Niners game starts, so the Lambs will know if they still have a chance right before kick-off. The Moldy Carpet is ready!

PLAYOFF BOUND!

Perennial losers the Detroit Lions have made the playoffs for the first time since 1492 (1999), and are looking like just maybe they could even win a game, especially if the 49ers get a first round bye. Niner-Lions rematch would be really juicy, however. Lions leave the ranks of the hopeless, leaving behind the Oakland Raiders as Doormat Kings (yes that's right, they really are worse, over a longer period of time, than anybody else). The Raiders, amazingly, can make the playoffs next week, even with Bunglonian Fogman Carson Palmer at the controls. If Tim Tebow can continue to make a nose dive, the Raiders will also climb out of the muck. They are, at least, guaranteed a .500 record, which does keep them off the patio in the Basement (you must lose at least 10 games to be allowed inside). It's such a shame the last game isn't the Raiders and the Buncos in Oakland. But, at least, it will keep down the homicide rate in Oakland for a day.


The 10 Club:

Already in: Tampa Bay Bootineers, St. Louis Lambs, Indianapolis Dolts, Minnesota Yikings, Jacksonville Gaguars.

Just in: Miami Floppers make the 10 club, and look to have nailed down "Best 10 Loss Team in the NFL." How many games can you lose by 7 points or less? Good grief. The Washington Deadskins make the 10 club, amazingly getting farther under the bar than the Minnesota Yikings. If you can lose to the Yikings, you can lose to anybody.

Still hopeful: 2 of the better tank jobs in the league this year- the Kansas City Cheaps and the Buffalo Nils. The Carolina Pansies can also make it, despite Cam Newton's arrival as the best offensive player in the NFL (holy moley look out). And their chances are good- they have to play the Saints and the Saints will still be fighting for a chance to be #2 seed in the NFC, as the 49ers play the late game. This game will be WILD. Tune in if you can.

Special week 16 mentions:

The Tampa Bay Bootineers lose three more fumbles and toss in an interception to nail down Worst Team of the Week for about the 8th week in a row, getting pasted by Carolina 48-16.

Early Doucet of the Arizona Crudinals will never backpedal while wide freaking open with a chance to tie or win the flipping game. Bonehead Forest play of the day.

NFC STANDINGS

St.Louis Lambs 2-13
Minnesota Yikings 3-12
Tampa Bay Bootineers 4-11
Washington Deadskins 5-10
Carolina Pansies 6-9

AFC STANDINGS

Indianapolis Dolts 2-13
Jacksonville Gaguars 4-11
Cleveland Brownies 4-11
Miami Floppers 5-10
Kansas City Cheaps 6-9

aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd that's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!

The Doomat Division: UPSET WEEKEND!! NFL WEEK 15 Wrap-Up

Just before kickoff Sunday morning I had a revelation. Almost all the games on Sunday were between teams with a winning record and a losing record. There were only 2 doormat games on the schedule. It’s late in the season, teams are desperate in multiple categories. Perfect for upset weekend. But, it was too late to change my predictions, so I had to just sit back and wait for the scores to come in.

WOW. We have a lot of fun with our crummy teams here in the Doormat, but now’s our chance to say man do we love it when we kick some ass. Hats off and a celebratory bonfire of pizza boxes in the Weber this morning on the Basement Patio to our long-suffering, down-trodden, bastions of bumble-tude, the Doormat Division. Forever may they wave the white flag.

Look at all them all:

Chargers 34, Ravens 14

Pheebles 45, Jets 19

Pansies 28, Texans 13

Seahags 38, Bears 14

Deadskins 23, Giants 10

Cheaps 19, Packers 14 !!!!

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13 !!!!!!!!!

A-maz-ingly, the Chargers, Cheaps and Pheebles, after all their implosion, can still win their divisions and make the playoffs. The Cards and the Seahags can still make the playoffs. It will take a minor miracle, but I’m not ruling out anything in this wild finish coming up for the next two weeks. I mean, just look at the flop job the Raiders have pulled in the last 3 weeks. Oh, I’m getting dizzy looking up at the top of the standings.

OK, that’s enough of that. This is the land of the Moldy Carpet Trophy, and the whole things is officially up for grabs as of today. Here’s what the PROS did over the weekend:

Indianapolis Colts 27, Tennessee Titans 13

There are no perfect teams left in the NFL today, as the Indianapolis Colts, led by Mr. 0-16, Dan Orlovsky, pull a fast one of the Tennessee Titans. The last time the Colts won a game was 50 weeks ago, and their opponent was…the Titans. They need to work these guys onto the schedule a little more often. The Dolts still only got 10 first downs (not the WORST team this weekend), but capitalized on Titans turnovers, and finally, FINALLY, won a game. I knew Orlovsky was just NOT going to be a 2-Time 0-16 loser. He was their ace in the hole. Shoulda played him sooner.

HOWEVER, the Moldy Carpet is no done deal now, people!!! The Lambs AND the Yikings, who took it to the house on Sunday, are right there at 2-12, and the difference in points, our tiebreaker, is

Dolts -184 , Lambs -180, and the Yikings -112. It’s no lock- Andrew Luck Lock yet.

Final Games:

Lambs: Pittsburgh, San Francisco

Dolts: Houston, Jacksonville

Yikings: Washington, Chicago

Lambs have almost no chance of winning either of those games. Steelers will be seriously pissed off, after last night’s pummeling, but Rothlisberger will take the game off almost for sure. Lambs won’t win. They will, in fact, be lucky to score a touchdown for the rest of the season (God I hate those late garbage time TDs). But they need to lose by wide margins to insure the Dolts don’t pad their points lead. The Dolts could win both their final games, with the Jacksonville game a very real possibility, as those guys may just really tank it for week 17, since they won’t have to worry about being the only team that DIDN’T beat the Dolts. I mean, where’s the motivation now, coach? The Yikings have the toughest schedule, two teams that can lose on any given Sunday, and do it with style. The Deadskins won big yesterday, but so what? The Bears are just a shell of their former selves, with injuries and drug busts hounding them into the woods where they just might hibernate until next May. Yikings have to lose BIG in both games.

It’s going down to the last weekend in Jacksonville.

St. Louis Rams 13, Cincinnati Bengals 20

Underdog Weekend was so complete, this was on TV for the morning game in the Basement. It’s extremely low-tech down here. SACKS: Injured Lambs QB Sam Bradford (36) has lost the sack lead to Alex Smith (39 and 18 in three weeks!) by parking on the bench. However, if you go by teams, the Lambs have 49 total, which leads the league. So it doesn’t matter who’s in there. Nobody’s open and there is no protection. If the Cardinals Kevin Kolb could just keep his butt in a game, he’d run away with the Sack Crown, checking in with 30 in just 9 games- !!!!! The Lambs, once again, did nothing all game, move the ball a bit between their 20 and the 50, and score a meaningless touchdown with a minute to go in the game. Lambs give A.J. Green a big play, Lambs special teams give up 2 big runbacks, and the whole thing is the usual workman-like L that we’ve come to expect from these Doormat Kings. Never ever count this team out of the run to the Moldy Carpet Trophy. They just may nab it.

Minnesota Vikings 20, New Orleans Saints 42

As usual, the Yikings look pretty good in the first half, and then implode in the second half. Somebody fire the conditioning coach. Somebody fire somebody. Bring back the purple pants, at least. What do they DO in there at halftime? Have an Andrew Luck séance? Ever listen to Tom Wait’s “What’s He Doing in There?” It’s like that. The Saints rack up 573 yards of offense. 573. That’s how far my Lincoln gets on a tank of gas. The great thing about the Yikes is, you can turn the ball over just as many times as you like, and they aren’t going to trouble you with it. They just politely punt it back in a few plays. Plus, they’ll give you at least 4 free first downs with a variety of well-timed penalties. These guys need to stop playing indoors. It isn’t working.

Cleveland Browns 17, Arizona Cardinals 20 (OT)

The Brownies hit the 10 Club in style, blowing the lead in the 4^th quarter, and then capitulating in OT just as quickly as possible. The Crudinals have improbably vaulted to an improbable 7-7, and have the most improbobabble outside shot to make the playoffs, besides the 14 other teams with the same odds. It is amazing to me the Brownies can’t even get into field goal range for one of the best kickers in the league, Phil Dawson. He got one shot, and made it. Blank Helmet Football now and forever.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 15, Dallas 31

Make no mistake about it, folks, the Tampa Bay Bootineers are the worst team in football right now. This team is completely off the hook. They are doing it from every angle. An off-the-rails train that is NOT slowing down. What does it say about your team that your longest gainer of the game, and first first down, ends in a fumble? Josh Freeman, Doormat All-Star. The only reason WR Preston Parker didn’t get a fumble is he never caught a pass all game. Dallas needs to bone up on their preparation, and let him catch one. If Freeman and Parker are still on this team next year, we’ll know that the Boots are serious about winning the Moldy Carpet in 2012. These guys are money. Seven first downs, only 43 total plays, and only 8 possesions (I don’t count one play before half-time). Clearly the game plan was to minimize offense and keep their defense on the field for as long as possible, to cut down on turnovers. And it worked! Only one- but it was a signature moment.

Miami Dolphins 30, Buffalo Bills 23

They Did It. With two games to go, the Buffalo Nils get loss number 9. I think they are going to make it- incredible. The 10 Club and keeping their banner on the Doormat Division Masthead. Once 5-2, the Nils have lost 7 straight, have lost linemen, running backs, and just about every conceivable important position player. Ryan Fitzpatrick vaults into the INT lead with 3 more interceptions, and the Nils pull out the orange cone defense that was so popular in the early part of this season. It’s a lot colder in Buffalo this winter than usual.

Special Mention: Raiders 27, Lions 28

Raiders are losing in every way possible. Gonna finish 7-9. It’s real dark in the Black Hole.

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWEST NFL WEEK 15 STATS

Points: 10 Giants

First downs 7 Buccaneers

Yards: 190 Buccaneers

Pass: 82 Colts (and they WON)

Run: 58 Buccaneers

Turnovers 4 Steelers, Eagles, Jets (Jets-Eagles game a real doozy)

Sacked: 7 Ravens

Penalties 11-93 Jets (man that Eagles-Jets game a real slop-fest)

aaAAAAAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!

THE DOORMAT DIVISION: LUCKY WEEK 13 (Triskaidekaphobia)

Lucky Week 13 (Triskaidekaphobia)

Some really interesting developments in the basement yesterday. I got a firm reminder of why we do this blog. I’ll get to that in the Yikings game.

AFC

Okay, it’s pretty much a lock. The Dolts improve to 0-12 and with only 4 games left. The Jacksonville Gaguars can’t catch them. Not that they haven’t tried. One more game and they at least clinch a tie. But we’re going by worst to best records today.

Indianapolis Colts 24, New England Patriots 31

Dolts QB Dan Orlovsky is on a mission. To not be on the hook for a second 0-16 season.

Staging their most furious rally of the season, Orlovsky got the Dolts within a touchdown with :36 seconds left yesterday, but it just amounts to a shiny Futile Comeback. But make no mistake, Orlovsky moved the ball in a way Chris Painter never does. Couple this with Peyton Manning doing some tossing on the sidelines, threatening to play a game, and the outlook for the Dolts is complicated. Going 0-16 looks a lot harder now. They should get stuffed by the Ravens next week (I don’t think the Ravens are going to play any more ‘stinker after ‘stellar’ games this season), but after that it’s Tennessee, Houston (who is struggling), and then the Gaguars in Jacksonville. The Gags only motivation on January 1^st will be to not be the team that got beat by Indianpolis, but imagine their hangovers. Frankly, I don’t think that’s going to be enough. If the Dolts don’t beat Houston, they’re going to beat the Gaguars. I hope it’s on the tube. Predicted finish: 1-15.

Jacksonville (3-8) at San Diego (4-7)

Who knew, 5 weeks ago, that this AFC matchup was going to be for 2^nd place in the Doormat AFC? The Chargers have imploded just about as spectacularly as the Eagles (but not on national TV every week). The Cheaps and the Bears brought home the Boring yesterday, but this game has sloppy written all over it.

Cleveland Browns 10, Baltimore Ravens 24

Brownies still playing blank-helmet football. They need a bowl of Chomps cereal.

It’s not their fault they had to play the Dolts and the Floppers early in the season. The Dolphins would just blow them out now. They could easily be 2-10 instead of 4-8. So many missed opportunities. Brownies do NOT muff a FG, and Ravens get only 4 sacks.

So, pretty good day, all around. Brownies in position to at least take 2^nd.

Miami Dolphins 489, Oakland Raiders 14

That’s not a typo. Now, take a look at this ‘review’ in this morning’s San Francisco Chronicle. The ‘little man’ has been used for reviewing movies and plays for years here in the paper- he’s a tradition. He also covers the football teams. First, the 49ers review (click on the image to get a better view) :

See the little man applauding? Falling out of his chair with joy?

And now, the Raydurz:

You can’t play a worse game. Those 14 points came after the Dolphins (no Floppers here) started playing people from the stands in the 4^th quarter. This was a serious, serious, beat-down. They way the Dolphins are playing now, I don’t know how they started 0-7. The best bad team in the NFL isn’t even bad anymore. It will take a miracle for them to make the “10” club. They have a shot to go 8-8! They won’t, but it’s a shot.

Carson Palmer has some secret Bunglonian Fog in his helmet, and adds to his NFL all-time record 17 interceptions returned for TDs. Nobody else is even close. Raydurz bring the usual pirate ship laden with penalties, and walk their own plank. Amazing doormat performance from a team that really needed this one. Hats off to the Dolphins for starting to click on all fins and pushing around a team that claims to want to bully their opponents. You’re supposed to do it ON the field, guys, and you don’t smile when the cops take your photo.

Buffalo Bills 17, Tennessee Titans 23

They’re BAAAAAACK. You know, while I was warming up my coffee on the grill this morning on the patio, I noticed somebody had put the Nils welcome mat back out front the sliding glass door into the Basement. Really nice touch guys. Nils plummet to 5-7, and have every chance of making the “10” club now.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

Kansas City Chiefs 10, Chicago Bears 3

This is yesterday’s bomb. 24 total first downs. The Cheaps punted ELEVEN times, which, I’m telling you, is almost impossible to pull off. You have to have punted on 2^nd downs a couple of times. A Paul Hornung drop-kick on a roll out. And they WON. Without Jay Cutler at QB, the Bears are in bad shape. Losing to the Cheaps….the Cheaps did their best to come in UNDER the wire, but the Bears countered with 3 interceptions, and the Cheaps couldn’t overcome the gifting maleovolence.

NFC

St. Louis Rams 0, San Francisco 49ers 26

Okay, I watched this one. When I wasn’t sleeping. The league’s weakest offense against the league’s stingiest defense. Goose egg. Lambs now have 140 total points on the season, getting their average down to 11.666 (66666666). And the devil is in the details!

The Lambs are the big play specialists- I ran out of fingers counting the blown coverage assignments in the defensive secondary- and yesterday was no exception. 49er QB Alex Smith gets in his TWO longest pass plays of the season, 56 and 52 yards, both for touchdowns. And this from a team that can’t convert in the red zone anymore. The Lambs have the answer for that- score from WAY OUTSIDE THE RED ZONE. Lambs just about run the table for worst stats this week (see below). WOW. 2-10 and how did they ever win a game?

Minnesota Vikings 32, Denver Broncos 35

This is the game that reminded me of what the Doormat is here for. I loved the Vikings when I was a kid. The purple pants. Fran Tarkenton running around like some maniac. The Viking helmets. The losing 4 Super Bowls. OK skip that part. But I root for the Yikes to win. But after they blew this game yesterday, I’m tied for FIRST in the NFC Doormat, into the “10” club at 2-10. Just try and take that from me.

Tim Tebow keeps getting the opportunities, and the Yikings know how to create them. These guys just can’t hold a lead. Period. Mercifully, my local station cut away from the end of the game, sparing me the spectacle of the final interception and Denver FG.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers 19, Carolina Panthers 38

Well……Preston Parker didn’t fumble. That’s all I can think of.

Bucs have come storming into the basement with a 6 game skid, and they are falling on their own scabbards. Pansies have figured out that maybe they really aren’t doormat material anymore.

Washington Redskins 19, New York Jets 34

Deadskings flirt with playing respectable game for 3 quarters and then turn on the Doormat muscle in the 4^th quarter, pulling out all the stops. Fumbles, penalties, interceptions, special team blunders. They did it all. Jets reel off 3 touchdowns, and it’s a blowout.

University of Phoenix Crudinals 19, Dallas Cowboys 13

Yesterdays most stunning event. I am speechless.

Philadelphia Eagles 14, Seattle Seahags 31

The Seahags are not a particularly good football team. But the EAGLES…are just WOW. Vince Young throws the ball up for grabs all night long, and gets rewarded with 4 interceptions. They’re gonna make the 10 Club. C’mon Pheebles!!!!!

Detroit Lions 17, New Orleans Saints 31

Yes, the Lions still have a winning record. 7-5. I can see there in the paper. Sure enough. But if they can keep up the Bonehead personal foul penalties at crucial moments (lots of eager guys filling in for Kong Suh), they are not going to win another game. I don’t care if they play the Yikings. They won’t make the 10 club, but 7-9 it not out of the question.

THIS WEEK’S LOWEST STATS NFL WEEK 13

Points 0 Rams

Yards 157 Rams

Rush 31 Rams

Pass 88 Bears

Turnovers 4 Eagles

Sacked 7 Bears

Punts 11 Chiefs

Penalties 11-107 Lions

aAAAAAAAAAAnd THAT’s The View from the Basement!