Doormat Division WEEK 16 Wrap-Up: BROWNS PULL EVEN!!

BROWNS PULL EVEN!!

BROWNS 26, BUNGLES 18
It was a hard-working day in the Dawg Pound yesterday at that place of 7-7-1, on Lou Groza Blvd, a place called First and Last Energy Stadium. The Bleveland Crowns pulled to .500 this late in the season for the first time since dog food was invented. More importantly, they swept the season series with Cincinnati for the first time since 2002. Until the first victory over the Bungles in week 12, they'd lost 7 straight to that other orange team in Ohio. Now balanced precariously at 7-7-1, with their fans peeping up over the rim of the Valley of Perpetual Losing, the Blank Helmets have a shot at a winning season next week at the Ravens, the ex-Browns. Ravens will be playing for their playoff lives, so it should be the Game of the Week.

The worst they finish is 7-8-1, so the Brownies still exit the Basement (gotta fo 7-9 to be on the Patio, and 6-10 minimum to spend the Winter in the Basement.  But let's be real: A winning record has passed this way three times since 1989....29 years.  Our most consistent member of the Doormat Division has a shot at getting the hell out.

Go Browns.  Doooooo it.

THE STANDINGS

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 16

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Arizona         3-12        201     398      -197

Santa Clara    4-11       310     387      -77
Detroit          5-10        293     360      -67

Tampa Bay    5-10        364     430      -66

NY Giants      5-10        334     376      -42

AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         3-12      260      418      -158
NY Jets          4-11      330      403      -73
Jacksonville   5-10      242      296       -54

Buffalo          5-10      227      357       -130

Cincinnati      6-9       355      439       -84

Almost everybody in the top five have 10 losses now.  The Cardinals and Raiders look like a lock, but the Raiders have to get by the Broncos tonight, and that's no freebie.  The Jets inch past Jacksonville, who have lost focus here in the late stages, and are winning games. The 49ers keep close, but...the Cards aren't going to give it away.  Don't forget the Whiners have the tie-breaker- they've lost TWICE to the Cards.

REDSKINKS 16, TITANS 25
What a game.  Titans QB Marcus Mariota gets a stinger (isn't that a drink from the 60's?), leaves the game, and Doormat All-Star Blaine Gabbert comes in and...wins?  Yes. First time in the seven times Mariota has left a game with an owie that the Titans have rallied and won. Gabbert gets a chance next week to fry up the Titans playoff hopes. Don't put it past him. He's got the cred.
On the other side of the ball, couch surfer Josh Johnson, in his third game back from oblivion, follows up his first NFL win with a late interception in Titans territory, and then, in a final gasp, throws a pick-six on the last play of the game.  Josh, if you need a couch, we got one for you.

CARDINALS 9, RAMS 31
Not feeling yourself?  Play the Cards.  The first place Cruds give up 461 yards, get only 15 first downs, hold onto the ball for a mere 22:56, scrape up 263 yards of offense, and just quietly play colorless ball. They've never been flashy. They just lose.

49ers 9, BEARS 14
Hot on the Cardinals tail are the stylin' Santa Clara 49ers, the team that tantalizes with exciting plays, and BONEHEAD FOREST decisions. The Whiners make as many self-inflicted mistakes as any other aspiring Doormat squad, especially one with this much potential for offense. This kind of output takes coaching, you know.  It's the little things that add up.

Practice Squad QB Nick Mullens, who shows flashes of being a real starter, makes the premier bungle on the last second drive, throwing a hopeless out-of-bounds 4th down heave of a game killer instead of running for the first down with 1:14 left at the Chicago 45.  No guarantee they score, but just...why did you DO that?

LIONS 9, VIKINGS 27
Not feeling yourself? Play the Lions.  Did I already write this?  Matt Stafford needs a new team.  Preferably one not in Detroit. Lions hit 10 losses, and it's like they never left.  Wait...did they leave?  Gonna take a lot of kitty litter to cover up this season.

DOLPHINS 7, BAGUARS 17
Just when you thought they'd never win another game, the Bags get swamped in Miami, where the bar was so low, they just could NOT out-horrible the Floppers.  The Dolphins line:  2 turnovers, 11 first downs, 183 total yards, 6 punts, 10 penalties for 95 yards.  The Jags countered with 10 penalties for 97, 244 yards of offense, and allowed 6 sacks, but it wasn't enough.  Dolphins beat the Patriots 2 weeks ago, and, haven't played since.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BILLS 12, PATS 20
Try as they might, the Pats just couldn't get a loss here, with both teams battling the win like it was dengue fever. Keep away from me!

Leading only 7-0, the Pats fumble to the Bills, who counter with a missed FG, the Pats punt again, only to have Bills punt right back at them. Kind of like a rock fight. The Bills then made the "how not to tackle" YouTube video for a 27-yard rushing TD that the Pats had to swallow. Now 14-0, on the very next play from scrimmage the Bills counter with an snappy interception. Now just plain angry, the Pats respond with a drive-killer INT deep in Bills territory. Not to be outdone, the Bills 'drive' 45 yards and die on a 4th and 3 at the Pats 25 by throwing one into the end zone, because who can wait around for yet another tedious first down?

Halftime!

The Pats come out of the halftime locker room, primed from the brilliant adjustments, and open with a sharp interception on the first snap. Bills, completely caught off-guard, and pinned deep in the Pats territory, succumb to a field goal attempt, which splits the uprights. 14-3.  The Pats come right back with a 3 and out, punt, and the Bills, still on the slippery surface, end up with another FG. 14-6.

As every team knows, a good way to get nothing done in the NFL is run the ball a lot, but the Bills defensive line looks like a mad cow (spongiform encephalitis!) brain lately, and the Pats cattle-drive one down the field, topped by a Brady pass-run TD. Moo!

Encouraged, and down 21-6, the Bills promptly fumble back to the Pats, punt, punt, give up a field goal, punt, and thrown an interception. To keep face, the Pats offered a failed 4th down attempt in there.  Disaster expertly averted, the Bills wait until under two minutes are left to score a Futile TD.  The flow, the momentum, the darkness.

Pats end up mowing the Bills for 273 yards of rushing.  How's that for "getting nothing done?"

JETS 38, PACKERS 44 (OT)
With the season winding down, two teams on the underside of the league whip up just one more wild scoring melee, like the first half of the season featured.  Doormat Ball like an old AFL game!  910 yards of offense!  20 penalties for 258 yards!  Ahead 35-20 in the 4th quarter, the Jets get to inhale another Aaron Rodgers comeback, and keep their Moldy Carpet hopes alive.

Well, I'd better put my pants on and start Xmas shopping.  I hear it's Dec. 24th outside. Once I wade through the pizza boxes, half eaten sandwiches (I am kind of hungry) and beer cans,  I'm sure I'll find the sky.  And the trusty Doormat Division Buick (Salvation Army special, of course). What do you think I should get the Commish?

One last note:  The Eagles, after attempting to torch their season, were informed that their second-string QB won a Super Bowl title last season (who knew?), and have been experimenting by letting him play, if he doesn't screw up too much.

ONE WEEK TO GO, DOORMAT DENIZENS!!!! 

aaaaAAAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15 WRAP-UP AND TURKEY SPREAD FLIP

THE MAST GALLING THING IN 49ER HISTORY:

THE THANKSGIVING TURKEY SPREAD 

MASSIVE UPSET:

49ERS 26, SEAHAGS 23 (OT)

A monkey got off everybody's back in Santa Clara yesterday. The 49ers, against all expectations, finally beat the Seattle Seahawks after 10 straight losses. They flipped the Thanksgiving spread! Whiner fans remember all too well the infamous 2014 Thanksgiving Day defeat to the Seahags, because of the turkey and dressing spread at the 50-yard line, right on top of the 49ers logo, set up by NBC with Michele Tafoya chatting it up with Russell Wilson and the hated Richard Sherman (now a 49er), and Sherman gnawing on a turkey leg. It's been gnawing at 49er faithful ever since.  I watched that game, and honestly was stunned that nobody came out of the 49er locker room and flipped the table. I sure would have. It would have been great theater, as well.

Those of you in an east coast bubble, the Seahawks and the 49ers is a juicy rivalry, and yesterday was massive for the 49er psyche. They celebrated like they'd won a playoff game.  And it might as well have been for this team with a season of dashed expectations.

49er practice squad QB Nick Mullens has another solid game, and the 49er defense turns in the 2nd straight game of tough D. The Seahawks were playing for their chance to clinch a playoff berth, but instead came up with 148 yards of negative yardage on 14 penalties.
Whiners fall out of first place tie with Arizona, and now have four 5-9 teams barking at their heels.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 15

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Arizona         3-11        192     367     -175

Santa Clara    4-10       301     373      -72

Tampa Bay    5-9         344     403      -59

Detroit          5-9         284     333      -49

NY Giants      5-9         307     348      -41

Atlanta          5-9        356     381       -25

AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         3-11      260      418      -158
Jacksonville   4-10      225      289      -64

NY Jets          4-10      292      359      -67

Buffalo          5-9        215      333      -118

Cincinnati      6-8       337      413       -76

GIANTS 0, TITANS 17
After two straight wins, and faced with the possibility of becoming relevant outside of the Basement, the Giants turn the Flounder Factor up to 11 and drop a goose egg on the unsuspecting Titans, who must muster on in the terrible vortex of playoff aspirations.

BROWNS 17, BRONCOS 16
The Blank Helmets scrape out yet another victory, this time against a dubious opponent who consistently make dubious coaching decisions that seem really...what can I say? The Brown Bombers ooze to 6-7-1, and eliminate any chance of their spending the winter in the Basement, where 10 losses is the pre-requisite. GOOD GOD, they could end up with a winning record. But let us not be hasty, as a guy named Treebeard once said.  Fill your pipe with Southfarthing leaf, and ruminate on the magical thinking of another Brownie victory over the Bengals next week.  A sweep on Cincy hasn't happened since cheese was invented.

LIONS 13, BILLS 14
No stiff is too boring to make more of a stiff for the Lions this season. Even when your opponent appears to be wearing red pajamas, and sipping hot cocoa, the Lions can find a way to lose, so matter how low the score. 14 first downs, 7 punts, and another day at the Freezer in Buffalo results in the Pajama Men winning their 5th game.  Both squads now 5-9, and teetering on the TEN CLUB membership.  2 weeks to go.  Who can achieve greatness?


CARDINALS 14, FALCONS 40
The Cardinals, that's who.  Greatness awaits this collection of self-inflicted wounds and miscues that masquerades as a football club. The Moldy Carpet is there for the taking. 

Breathe deep, the gathering gloom (cough what's that smell?)
Watch lights fade from every room (hey Marge, the TV is broken)
Bedsitter people look back and lament (if only we'd played better on 50 or so snaps, we woulda won)
Another day useless energy is spent (do we really have to play this game?)

Yes, they did, and they thrashed the Falcons, a team in major tailspin mode, and spun them right back to thinking they are achieving victory and greatness!  The Crudinals didn't score until it was safely 40-0, and no one was looking. 7 punts, 7 sacks, 6 geese a laying this egg, 5 golden opportunities completely bungled, 4 mis-called plays , 3 french fries (cold), 2 cigarettes and the Moldy Carpet on the wall.

UNDERDOG OF THE WEEK!

BAGUARS 13, REDSKINKS 16
The invisible man, Josh Johnson, got his first ever win in the NFL, after 7 years of waiting for another chance.  Josh!  You won!  And who else but the Baguars could provide the opportunity. Take it and run, Washington footballers!!  Jacksonville does it again in front of their slack-jawed home fans.  What a slide, what a debacle, and they still have a shot at winning the Doormat AFC. Wow.

CHARADERS 16, BUNGLES 30
What do you do when the worst defense against the run, and rather suspect defense all around comes to town?  You do the football limbo and see just how low you can go.  Rushing yards for the Oakland Tankers: 68, with 1 first down by the run.  13 total first downs. 5 sacks by a team that can't sack groceries (boy was that original), and two lost fumbles.  3-11 and looking like Doormat Champions.  The Kairse O' Chucky lives on...right on the sidelines.  Very unique curse.

BUCS 12, RAVEN-POES 20
The Bucs are still coming on hard, checking in with yesterday's low in first downs, 12, tied with Miami, and assiduously avoiding the end zone after the opening TD, sticking to field goals, and sticking the Ravens with a win.  5-9 and in the hunt, but let's be realistic. Nobody will catch the Cardinals now.  Not even if they wear Barney pajamas and helmets that look like gummy bears.  Don't tell the University of Oregon's uniform designers I said that.  Please.

THE TEN CLUB

So, far only a select few, but the Jags got there this week, as did the Jetskis.

RAIDERS      3-11
CARDINALS  3-11
49ERS         4-10
JAGUARS    4-10
JETS           4-10

And a veritable flotilla of 5-9 teams, teetering out on the patio, trying to survive another night by the dying embers of the grill.  Buck up!  There's another game to play next week!

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 3 WRAP-UP AND BUD LITE PYRAMID

 NOT A PIPE DREAM ANYMORE

BROWNS 21, JETS 17

How do you make perfect Brownies?  Get a really good BAKER.

After 635 days of losing, twice as long as it took Frodo to throw The Ring into Mt. Doom, the Browns have not just won a football game. They look like a team that's going to win the next football game. And it's the Reeling Raiders in Oakland! Get your tickets NOW, Basement Dwellers out in the Bay Area. Hop on a plane, Cleveland fans, and bring Chomps with you. The Dawg Pound is going on the road!!  The Super Bowl will be on-  

All right, let's calm down. And, besides I can't even get to the patio door for all the Bud Lite cans, let alone get to the airport. But, seriously, here in the Basement, it's a new day. Starting Browns QB Tyrod Taylor (I hope he has a brother named Axle) was having a really bad day, and then took a whack on the pavement with his skull, and left the game with a lulu of a concussion. Rookie Gandalf Mithrandir- I mean- Mayfield Baker came in, and the rest is Browns history. The Shake n' Bake era has begun.

They may still only win 5 games, tops, but who cares?  They won a friggin' game, and there is joy in Mudville.  HOORAY!!

Let's take a look at the standings, and get to the games

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 3

NFC            W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona        0-3          20       74       -54
Santa Clara   1-2         73      89        -16
Detroit         1-2           70      88       -18
NY Giants    1-2          55      62        -7

Dallas           1-2          41      53        -12

  

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Oakland        0-3          52        81       -29
Houston        0-3          59        74       -15
Pittsburgh     0-1-1       58        63       -5
New England  1-2       57        77       -20
Buffalo         1-2          50        84       -34
NY Jets         1-2          77        58       +19

BLOWOUT AND UPSET OF THE WEEK AT THE SAME TIME!

BILLS 27, YIKINGS 6

As Blowouts go, this is a mere 21 points, but it felt like 50.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, saw this one coming.  Last week the Bills looked like they had a shot at losing every single game. But the 'lucky' card this season- the rookie QB- worked for the Bills to mess things up and win a game.  16 1/2-point underdogs going in, Bills QB Josh Allen accounted for enough points- 21- to beat the spread.  He did try to go Doormat, fumbling 3 times, but the Bills got them all back. The Vikings countered with three turnovers that stuck (thank you Kirk Cousins, you know how).   We salute the Underdog of the Week!

Vikings fans, now that they have taken off their Viking hats and fake blonde pigtails, have become aware that Case Keenum is not their starting quarterback.  The Yikes get to get off the mat and play the Rams in LA on Thursday.  Lycka Till!!

CARDINALS 14, BEARS 16

At least somebody around here is taking care of business.  The Cards are kings of the Basement right now, and the Bears are forced, yet again, to win a game. Pour yourself a strong coffee, sports fans, they're in first in the NFC North.  

 The Cards (0-3) got out to an uncomfortable 14-point lead in the 1st quarter, but Sam Bradford cranked up the interception machine (2), dropped a couple fumbles, and the Cards tried the Magic Rookie QB card, with rookie Josh Rosen going out there and smartly chucking the game killing interception. Now THAT's a confidence builder. Whew. DaBares couldn't keep it to field goals the whole day, and, eventually, they found themselves ahead, mostly because their defense isn't bad enough. Oakland defensive end Khalil Mack got two more sacks for the Bears. They're going to have a hard time losing with any consistency with that defense they're saddled with now.  

TEXANS 22, GIANTS 27

Try as they might, the Giants could not muster a Total Collapse after getting ahead 20-3. The Toxins (0-3) racked up 427 yards against our solid NFC Doormat contenders. We're doubtful here, in the Basement, that the Toxins can lose more than 11. Big challenge next week against the Colts.  

49ERS 27, CHIEFS 38

At one point, the Chiefs were ahead 35-7, and it looked for all the world like it was going to be 70-14 by the end. The Whiners stacked up a stunning 147 yards on 14 penalties, and the defensive secondary left Chiefs receivers so much room to run that they could have brought a dog along and played a little frisbee with them, while waiting for the pass.  

The Whinos are now instantly a Doormat 10-loss club favorite because, sadly, starting QB Jimmy Garoppolo tore his ACL trying a Steve Young 'feint' at the sideline, trying to get some extra yards. It didn't work. He is most likely out for the season. And, no, they won't be signing Colin K as a backup, I don't think, because he is not, at all, a Kyle Shanahan kind of QB.  Lots of teams need a solid backup right now, though.  The Browns come to mind.

COWBOYS 13,  SEAHAGS 24

Dallas looks pretty darn bad.  Gonna have to build a corral out by the grill, and open up the pasture this week.  Cattle comin' in.  

RAIDERS 20,  DOLPHINS 28

Mark Davis, unhappy that the city of Oakland isn't pissed off enough at him, traded off Khalil Mack to the Bears, and voila, the Raydurz have ZERO pass rush. They're back. Until they leave for Las Vegas.  And yet...they may still be here, in the Basement.  Big Amazing Observation: Raider QB Derek Carr may not really be all that great.  Add in signing Brent Musberger (I can't tell you how weird this is) as your play-by-play radio announcer, and you are really, really, REALLY trying to crush the spirit of Raider Nation.  It's working.

JAGS 6, TITANS 9

Stiff of the Week.  5 field goals.  Dad, wake up- it's time to go home.  $375 nap.

CHARGERS 23, RAMS 35

The Chagrins: playing in the wrong city, for the wrong fans, with the wrong owner.   

PATRIOTS 10, LIONS 26

Dare I say it? The Patsies.  Are they coming back to us, after all these years? They looked like an actor who couldn't find his motivation for the scene last night.  They couldn't have thrown a 20-teabag box of Lipton tea into Boston Harbor with that level of effort.  Lions get a win hung on them, and the NFC North is wide open, so optimism abounds in Detroit.  Things are already icing over in Foxboro.  

WHAT A WEEK!  Upsets, new members, great weights lifted off entire cities.  It's a new day, and there's always still time to lose!

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

-wacko

WEEK 14 WRAP-UP and PERFECT SEASON PARADE PLANS!!!

PERFECT SEASON PARADE PRESERVED!!

SOME PERSPECTIVE

Director John Waters once said:  "When I say action, you pick up that poodle poop and eat it."  Wait, that's not the right quote...here:  "I used to play "school" as a kid with the little girl who lived next door, and I was always the teacher and she was always the student.  Every time we played I failed her, yet she still eagerly agreed to play every time I asked, fully knowing the results. Failing can be a relief for some. A sexual position. A way of life. A choice. Some kind of happiness the never lets you down."  

Is this it, Doormat fans?  Cleveland?  Colts?  Cincinnati?  We gotta find some kinda something here in the Basement.  We gotta be able to count on our guys.  Fill the Blank Helmet chips bowl, and fish out the stale salsa from the back of the fridge.  It's our turn.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK 14

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               2-11         199       321    -122

SANTA CLARA         3-10         228      314     -86

CHICAGO                 4-9           224      274      -50

TAMPA BAY              4-9           264      312     -48
WASHBINGTON       5-8          285      344      -59

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-13        197      335      -138
INDIANAPOLIS         3-10        212     343      -131
DENVER                    4-9          229      315      -86
HOUSTON                 4-9          312      335      -23
CINCINNATI               5-8          226      271      -45
NY JETS                    5-8          266      311      -45       

THE GAMES

GAME OF THE YEAR

BROWNS 21, PACKERS 27 (OT)

Faced with the most difficult challenge of the season, the Cleveland Browns brought home the Excedrin yesterday in Green Bay, rallying from up 14 points in the 4th quarter (in what looked like a sure victory) to force a tie and then crisply blowing it in OT (a DeShone Kizer Hail Whoever interception on the 3rd play deeeep in their own territory), nailing down loss #13 and preserving the Perfect Season Parade, which cleared their $10,000 budget mark by getting a $7,000 bump from the nice people at Excedrin, who announced that they "feel your pain."  

They'd better be feeling it today, because that was the art of losing played like a Stradivarius in the hands of a frozen-fingered out of tune accordion busker on the corner of Lou Groza Blvd and Pearl St. outside Browns headquarters in Cleveland. May the swirling hot dog wrappers of disappointment settle upon your prostrate frame, providing thin cover from the cold, as you stare up into the gray sky, wondering what you ever did to deserve this...being a Browns fan. 

It was a bizarre game, all right.  Brownout fans were subjected to THREE long touchdown drives, the first time all season they've had to survive this sort of production, with the suspense of the anticipated turnover after about 5 plays causing brain aneurysms all over the Cleveland area. But no- the Browns just kept scoring. But from great heights comes vertigo and the defense stepped in where the offense couldn't, and just ran out of gas, and 20 points never looked so easy to give up. It was killer.

Hats off to the entire Browns organization on this one, and all that's left is the Bears on Christmas Eve, the last serious challenge to the Perfect Season.  The Parade?- Jan. 6th, Browns sufferers, is the date to pull yourselves up off the concrete, put on every inch of brown and orange you have, and join the procession that will be the Perfect Season Parade.  It's your only hope.  

***********************************

The Perfect Season Parade is real, BTW- here's where you too can donate:

https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-20

All proceeds, should the Browns win a game, will go to the Cleveland Food Bank, which is what they did last year after the Browns beat the Chargers for their only win.  Kind of makes one want to root for the Brownies to win just one, no?  Make a donation.  

BATTLE FOR THE ORANGE 

BENGALS 7,  BEARS 33

In our Orange You Bad division big game yesterday, it was no contest, as the Bungles out-oranged the Bears beyond all dimension, and blew, and I say blew the Bears off the field and into the win column. After last Monday's brawl vs. the Steelers, the Bengals had to field the video simulation squad, dressed to look like a defense. The Bears had no chance against this, and piled up the most points they've had all year. Andy Dalton and the Bungle offense chipped in an early touchdown and retired to the sidelines for the remainder. 

The Bengals have 3 games to go, and if they pull the plug on the roster and ice everybody down now, which looks like a good bet, they'll make the 10-loss club and be back in the Basement for a long, long loooooong winter.

BLIZZARD BALL!!!!

COLTS 7, BILLS 13

When the first possession of the game ends on downs, and punting seems like a dubious thing to try, you know you are in for a helluva game. Now, if only the Buffalo Bills can dial up a foot and a half of snow for every remaining game, they'll make the playoffs.  As long as nobody can see which way the goalposts are, and your cleats turn into snowballs if you run more than 5 feet, the Bills have a shot. 

Locked in a invisible snowball fight with the Colts for Doormat icebox supremacy,  the Nils unveiled their deep-freeze secret weapon: No, not the snow plow- 3rd string QB Joe Webb!  Joe, where ya been?  After QB Nathan Peterman- clearly cooled off from his blazing 5-interception debut a few weeks ago- disappeared in a snow drift on the sideline, the elusive Webb entered the fray and completed 2 passes.  But he only needed one. Rolling right, Webb uncorked a  34-yard flotation device in overtime to what may have been Deonte Thompson's arms sticking up out of the snow, setting up the game winning 21-yard non-slip demonstration by LeSean McCoy into what appeared to be an end zone to...WIN A GAME.  

The Clots, with Denver's win yesterday, move into sole possession of second place in the AFC Doormat.  

49ERS 26, TEXANS 16

He's Italian!  If you squint real hard, his #10 looks like #16.  He doesn't look nearly dorky or unlikely enough, but 49er fans don't care!  He's the new Joe Montana!! They're going to the Super Bow-  

Wait a minute. The Texans- they should decide on a pass defense that follows receivers and stuff. And maybe don't have defensive ends running 20 yards downfield in pass coverage.  Probably a bad idea. The 49ers sure aren't going to lose many more contests if they have QB Jimmy Garoppolo piling up 300-yard games. This is no way to stay with the Giants, that's for sure.  

The Texans, at 4-9, have the Jags, Steelers and Colts left to get at least one more huge L and make the 10-Club. Says here they do it. The Whiners still have the Titans, Jags and Rams left on the to-do list, so they can still lose the next 3, though the Titans are the shakiest 8-5 team in the league.  But, let's face it, Jimmy G guy may not be Joe Cool, but he's a real QB. Doormats don't have real QBs.  A ray of happiness descends on the Red and Gold Faithful.  

GIANTS 10, COWBOYS 30

Not even a hated rival in a long long rivalry can get the Flailing Giants into any sort of danger of winning.  But it's not a lock, yet- the 49ers are playing playoff teams for the last 3 games, and the Flailers get the Eagles with no Carson Wentz, and then the Cardinals and the Skins, so...they have to be just hitting the hot tub and trying not to get injured at this point, right?  There's nobody even at the helm.  

EAGLES 43, RAMS 35

Yeah, I know they aren't Doormats anymore, and kind of never were, but losing Carson Wentz for the rest of the season and playoffs really hurts, man.  That game yesterday was just flat out fun, and now...poof. 

JETS 0,  BRONCOS 23

Riding an 8-game losing streak, the Broncos run into a buzzsaw of futility, and get spit out into the win column by the Basement-ready New York Jets. The Nyets uncorked a 6-first down masterpiece of nothing: 100 total yards and 8 punts of a magic disappearing act by the offense, and the defense ran out of oxygen just running their competitive flab out onto the field from the locker room into the thin air of Denver. Wheeze.

Jets move to within a game of the Broncos, and are slouching towards the 10-club.

Sorry to see QB Josh McCown, who has had the best year of his career, get knocked out for the season with a hand injury. The Jets are close to being Parity Promising, but just zero-out every coupla games and lose like they mean it.  

RAIDERS 15, CHIEFS 26

I know this is a Parity game, but the Silver and Blacked Out looked so bad, in a game that was huuuuuge. Whoa. Raider QB Derek Carr just keeps waiting until later and later to start playing ball. Pretty soon, he'll finally be on his game in the after-game press conference. 

In fact, I think he was yesterday. Starting games like you have no idea how to get downfield is a top-down planning thing, so hat's off to the Raider coaching staff for this bomb.

TITANS 7, CARDINALS 12

The Titans are 8-5 and in the playoff sniff, but you'd never know it watching this one.  Doormat All-Star Blaine Gabbert is steering the Cardinal van, and he's doing a good job of keeping it out of the end zone, but 4 field goals still hangs a W on your scorecard when the Titans shut it down like they did yesterday.  Ka-lunk!

The Run to the Moldy Carpet is a not a done deal yet, fans.  The Browns gotta cash in two more losses to lock it down, as the Giants show no sign of letting up.  

aaaAAAAAND That's the View From the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!

WEEK 17 REPORT: The Brown Crown of Renown

...and the Moldy Carpet 2016 goes to...

THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!!

1-15 

Though the Perfect Season Parade was cancelled due to victory last week (it's a real thing, it's on GoFundMe and it raised over $10,000) and the money was smartly donated to the Cleveland Food Bank, Browns fans can still celebrate the winning of the Moldy Carpet, as their beloved Brownies finish dead last in the NFL for the first time, EVER, in their storied history.

Here's the link to the Perfect Season Parade Fund, in case you doubt us (apologies for this link not being 'active' - you must cut and paste):

https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-fund?ssid=860390682&pos=1

We'll get to the incredible final game that the hometown fans got to endure, but first the standings

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17 

FINAL STANDINGS

AFC

Cleveland -      1-15

Jacksonville -   3-13

NY Jets -          5-11

San Diego -      5-11

Cincinnati -       6-9-1

Bills                  7-9

NFC
San Francisco - 2-14
Chicago -           3-13
Los Angeles -     4-12
Carolina -           6-10

Philly-                7-9

New Orleans     7-9

All teams below the 10-loss line are not granted membership in the Basement for 2016-17.  7-9 you get to spend the winter on the patio by the grill. Philly and Cincinnati both had shots to make the 10 club yesterday, but failed.  The Panthers, however, nailed it. 

BROWNS 24, STEELERS 27 (OT)

(Cleveland) Do you have "grit"?  Cleveland has grit. Cleveland has so much grit, they've got brown and orange kidney stones. 

It was arduous, it was difficult.  But the Brown-outs are money. Playing against the most obscure Steelers money can buy, the Browns still pulled it off.  Despite racking up 27 first downs (first time since Dec. 13, 2015*), 437 total yards and getting punted at 8 times, they still did it.  

They did it by intercepting a pass, running it back the length of the field for an apparent pick-six, and then fumbled at the goal line for a Steeler's touchback. Wow! Pittsburgh responded by marching the length of the field and scoring. 

They did by driving right down to the 3 yard line in the closing minute, tied 21-21, needing only to run out the clock and kick the stupid field goal and win the game- but the Blanks fumbled the ball and the Steelers recovered. Incredible! 

They did it by kicking a field goal in overtime and then letting the Steelers just mow the grass with them, all the way down the field, and watching from a safe vantage point as the Steelers score the winning touchdown. Kablam!! That's right, instead of just safely losing the game early, with the fans slipping away quietly into the overcast afternoon, they kept them in their seats until the final, baleful horn sounded. Blank Helmet Football wraps it up with a cathedral-quiet mass shuffle to the parking lot. I can hear the gravel. 

Owner Jim Haslem is keeping this magnificent front office, GM and coach together for an encore next season, and why not?  He's doubling down! He's double-trouble in a bubble of flubble doubling down! Sprinkle some more grit on that bratwurst!!  Hey, they still need to have that Perfect Season Parade, because the fans deserve- the fans do not deserve this.

I can kind of understand Haslem's decision.  Perhaps the logic is: what the heck difference will it make? What else can happen? Brownie fans everywhere, we salute your bumbling team for the glory of the Moldy Carpet, and for the day you guys will somehow, someway, exit the Basement.  Now, take your Jim Brown jersey, make a hot cocoa, wrap yourself in the jersey, find your comfy chair, and just hum to yourself quietly. Pet the cat. Watch the rain patter on the window. And then, when you've had your cry, tune in the Cavaliers game tonight.  

*the Dec. 13 game was the Battle for the Basement in 2015, vs. the 49ers (4-8 vs the Browns 2-10). The Blanks won that game.  It is, in fact one of the 2 games they have won in the last 27.  

49ERS 23, SEAHAWKS 25

(Santa Clara) The 49ers win the NFC Doormat with a stellar 2-14 season, tying every other 'worst' season they've ever had.  QB Colin Kaepernick posted a 123.1 rating yesterday. The Whiners also went 2-11 on third down. So, he was great on 1st and 2nd down, but complete crapola on 3rd, a solid recipe for posting a loss. The Whiners fired everybody except the owner. Owner Jed York issued so many pink slips you could have made a tutu. So look for more 10 loss seasons until further notice. Because Jed.  Jed is a man with...with...a stadium.  Perhaps he can get the SF Ballet to move there.  They will sell guaranteed tutu 'licenses.' 

Chip Kelly, since he did not enter the league as an offensive coordinator, is done in the NFL. Getting dropped into head coaching with no subordinate roles and failing twice leaves one no options. Not a career NFL man.  But Southwestern East Texas Teacher's College is hiring, I hear.  I believe their nickname is the Knucklerappers.  

LAMBS 6, CARDINALS 44

(Los Angeles) Here we are, end of season. Lambs are just easily the worst team in the league.  How did they ever win those 3 games in a row back in September? I dunno! Must have been a clerical error. Yesterday they finished off the season, at home like the Browns and Whiners, and just mailed it in from so far away, it needed extra postage. 9 first downs. 123 total yards.  3 turnovers (5 total fumbles! just whoa), including a pick six as the cherry on top final glory moment of the season. The defense was- wait, I am being told there was no defense. Never mind. Rams finish a respectable Doormat 4-12.  Can they do to Jared Goff what they did to Sam Bradford (105 sacks in 3 years)?  Stay tuned.

BEARS 10, VIKINGS 38

Before we go all Bears on you, the Vikings (8-8) and the Colts (8-8) will play in the Parity Bowl at a neutral site and every single person will receive a ribbon for participating.

Can we get Bears QB Matt Barkley 9 more games? In a mere 7 contests, he connected on 14 interceptions. If he got a full season, that's 32 interceptions! It won't get him to George Blanda's all-time record of 42, but it's a start. Yesterday he racked up 2 more (plus a Fumble-Six) and avoided the end zone, so his 'balance' is 8 TDs vs. 14 interceptions. Go to the head of the class here in the Basement. The only game he didn't throw an INT was versus the Whiners in a driving snow storm. So, if the NFL expands to Anchorage, we know who to build our roster around.  And don't build a damn indoor stadium.  Be a man!  Oh, my cocoa has gone cold. 

By the way the the all-time single season interception leader (most interceptions by DB) is Night Train Lane, for the 1952 Los Angeles Rams.  A name worth keeping alive.

Bears finish up a very very competitive 3-13, nipping at the heels of the Whiners.  But the victory over the Whiners, in that very blizzard, did them in. Coach John Fox, a blazing 9-23 since taking over this developing Doormat regular, refuses to say if he'll have a job next year. I always wonder what this means- did he offer his resignation and was told to shut up? Win the Moldy Carpet, and we'll talk about firing, John.  

JAGS 20, COLTS 24

What a great finish to a season like this: lose the game with :09 left on the clock.  Jags (3-13) came back into the Basement with a vengeance. Never doubt this club. I don't care who they hire to steer this team. They have culture. 

CHARGERS 27, CHIEFS 37

(San Diego) Interception leader Philip "Why Are People In the Way?" Rivers racks up two more and finishes the season with 21, a curious homage to slingin' John Hadl (#21).  An acceptable 5-11, the Chagrins didn't tank- they just never got around to winning very often. Blowing more leads than anybody thought possible, except our commissioner who called it in the preseason, the Chargers fired coach Mike McCoy yesterday, and so won't have to pack so much stuff for the move to Los Angeles (Pasadena).  

PANTHERS 16, BUCS 17

(Tampa)Three teams had a shot at making 10 losses yesterday, and only the Panthers 

(6-10) achieved greatness and membership in the Basement for the winter. You know, despite the Super Bowl last year, we still have some faded Pansies wallpaper up, behind the TV.  We like the way that funny blue goes with the orange plaid and silver duct tape couch. See, they always come back, even if just on the Patio. They're our grill-masters.  

Who else but the Pansies could lose the final game to them Bucs (9-7!!), our proud Doormat members who graciously passed the torch yesterday in Tampa. Pansie QB Cam Newton was a blaze of interceptions (3) and pained looks (the champion). The crowning pain being the missed 2-point conversion, going for the win, at the end of regulation, instead of getting the tie and going into overtime.  Why wait when you can lose now, and hit the hot tub just that much sooner? 

Panthers experience biggest plummet of the year, from 15-1 and the Stuper Bowl to 6-10 and winterizing in the Basement.  {The Panthers have never had two winning seasons in a row. They began operations in 1993.} 

JETS 30, BILLS 10

(New York) Well, the Jets (5-11) still make the 10 Club, but it could have been so much more. But what are you going to do when it's New Year's Day and the visiting team was in NYC for New Year's?  You won't be losing this game, no matter how much bigger your hangover is than Joe Namath's ever was. Bills play like they left it all on the dance floor last night, and go pffft. Rex Ryan, freshly fired, can head for the golf links and...does his brother caddy? That has to be the best stocked golf bag on the links any time they show up.

AND NOW FOR OUR YEAR-END UPDATES:

THE TEN CLUB

CLEVELAND         1-15                         2 years in a row 10 losses

SAN FRANCISCO 2-14  (coach fired)

JACKSONVILLE    3-13  (coach fired)  5 straight years 10 losses

CHICAGO              3-13                        2 years in a row

LOS ANGELES     4-12   (coach fired)   2 years in a row 

SAN DIEGO          5-11    (coach fired)

NY JETS               5-11                         2 years in a row

CAROLINA            6-10    (coach fired)

. LONGEST PLAYOFF DROUGHT

1. BUFFALO BILLS  - 17  seasons and climbing

2. CLEVELAND BROWNS- 14

3.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 12

4.  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS- 9

5. TAMPA BAY BUCS- 9

6. TENNESSEE TITANS- 8

7.  NEW YORK JETS- 6  

8. CHICAGO BEARS- 6

17 seasons is a really long time.  However 26 seasons without a playoff victory is even more painful.

2. LONGEST PLAYOFF VICTORY DROUGHT

1.  CINCINNATI BENGALS-  26 

2.  DETROIT LIONS -  25 (pending playoff outcome) 1 victory since 1957.
3.  BUFFALO BILLS-  21 

4.  CLEVELAND BROWNS- 19

5.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 15   (pending playoff outcome)

6.  OAKLAND RAIDERS- 14 (pending playoff outcome, not looking good)

7.  TAMPA BAY BUCS-  15  

8.  TENNESSEE TITANS- 14

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aaaaAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

-wacko