WEEK 17 WRAP-UP: BROWNS WIN MOLDY CARPET!!!!!!

0-16

BROWNS FINISH PERFECT SEASON, 

WIN THE MOLDY CARPET!!!

BILLS MAKE PLAYOFFS FOR FIRST TIME 17 YEARS

HALF THE LEAGUE FIRED

BROWNS 24, STEELERS 28
They did it, Doormat Denizens. Driving deep into the Shower Curtain (2nd string Steelers) territory with under two minutes to go, and the whole season on the line, wide receiver Corey Coleman did the Brownie thing to do- he dropped a perfectly thrown 4th down pass inside the Steeler 10-yard line (it would have been first and goal), ending the Browns threat to spoil the Perfect Season. It was a harrowing, nail-biter moment, and CBS switched over for the closing minutes, so the whole country got to watch the final flameout. Steeler defenders came over and encouraged the dejected Coleman to get up. Corey, dude, buck up: you made history.  From the Underdog sector of the Basement, Mr. Coleman, we hope you get your shot at redemption. It is certainly a moment that will be etched into every die-hard Browns fan's memory for loooong time. 

But let's get some perspective- it wasn't a pass into the end zone. The Browns would have had a few more downs to blow it, so don't go hanging it on Mr. Coleman. It's likely somebody else would have stepped up. They're the Browns.

Well, guess what? The 2008 Detroit Lions don't get to brag about it anymore. They've got 0-16 company. Owners of the worst record (4-44) over three years since 1950*, the Blank Helmets have marched into NFL- and Doormat history- with such a stirring cadence that the Perfect Season Parade will be held, in Cleveland, next Saturday, Jan. 6th, at First Energy Stadium. Well, outside it. They better have a lot of security on hand. 

Last year, the money raised for the scheduled parade (which was cancelled, of course, due to a victory) was donated to the Cleveland Food Bank. To be completely honest, sitting here on our duct tape orange plaid couch in our poorly heated Basement,nursing burnt coffee, with a possum nest holding position by the broken washing machine, and a mound of pizza boxes blocking the view of the TV, and a hangover that you wouldn- actually, I bet, this morning, you'd believe it-  the Doormat thing to do would be to take that money, stage a parade, and march straight to the Cleveland Food Bank, and have Mr. Coleman himself deliver the check. Underdogs gotta pull together, and that would be the Perfect Season thing to do.

*The Chicago Cardinals, from 1943-45 went 1-29, easily the worst winning percentage ever, and if you include the the last six games of '42 and the first game of '46, it's 1-36, pretty darn stinky.  But, the disqualifying item is the '44 Cardinals were, in fact, the Chicago Pittsburgh Cardinals-Steelers. There just were just not enough guys around at the time, because of something called World War Two, to make a proper bad team. Combined teams do not count for all-time stats for a franchise.  

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, FINAL STANDINGS

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               3-13         246      388     -142

TAMPA BAY              5-11         335      382      -47

CHICAGO                  5-11         264     320      -56

SANTA CLARA         6-10         331      383      -52

WASHINGTON *        7-9          342     388       -46
GREEN BAY*             7-9          320     384       -64

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-16        234      410     -176

HOUSTON                 4-12        338      436      -98

INDIANAPOLIS         4-12        263      404      -141

NY JETS                    5-11        298      382      -84

DENVER                    5-11        289      382      -72

MIAMI                        6-10        281      393      -112

OAKLAND                 6-10        301      373      -72

*Parity Patio Patrons: 7-9 is not full membership in the Doormat Division.  Must lose 10 for entry into Basement.  7-9, you spend the winter out on the patio, making the coffee and cooking the weenies.  Don't let the weenies freeze.

BUFFALO BILLS IN PLAYOFFS?  PLAYOFFS???

BENGALS 31, RAVEN-POES 27/  BILLS 22, DOLPHINS 16

In a finish you just had to love, the Biffalo Buffs half back into the playoffs for the first time in 17 years (it was the current longest streak in playoff droughts) because the miserable Cincinnati Bengals un-bungled themselves, and pulled off an insane final drive and beat the Baltimore Ravens with a 44-yard pass play that had at least part of Ohio going nuts.  Shedding the Orange-bad in the final minute, after blowing a 14 point lead, the Bungles waltz into the off-season with a 7-9 record, escaping the Basement by the narrowest of margins, and simultaneously vaulting the unlikely Bills into the playoff arena.  Woo-hoo!

The Bills did win their game against the Fins, who were starting a QB name Fales (seriously?), so they didn't completely back into the 'big dance.'  Funny thing- they get to play the Jaguars next week in what has to be our DOORMAT PLAYOFF game. The Jags just got out of the Basement, and the Bills are forever toying with ineptitude. Don't think the Bills don't have a chance. They could- holy cow- win this game.   

With the loss, the Fins make the Ten Club (at least 10 losses), and receive full membership in the Basement for the winter.

RAIDERS 10, CHARGERS 30

Good God they really did it- they made it to 10 losses. Ka-BLAM. The Raydurz did their worst to help the Chargers get into the playoffs. It was the least they could do, and doing things the least has been the M.O. around Raider headquarters this season. Easily the league's biggest flameout of the season, owner Mark 'What's that on top of your head" Davis wasted no time firing Jack Del Rio after the conclusion of the game. I'll bet even that was sloppily done. Unfortunately Mark won't be firing himself, which is what the Raiders really need. 

But, instead, in 24 months he'll be taking his square-wheeled cart of un-disciplined Silver and Blacked Out mythology with him to Las Vegas, where indifferent tourists who just lost $4000 at the Keno table will be ushered in with free tickets, complimentary concessions and a lap dance as enticement to sit in his cave and watch real losing. Hmm, at least that barn will have the Biggest A.C. Bill in Vegas. Think you lost a lot last night? Just watch some Raider Commitment to Excrescence, and you'll be more than ready to get back into the Casino!! Anything will look like better odds after you watch our- hey where ya going?

ADDENDUM:  Davis will also attempt to bring back John Gruden for the umpteenth rumor spin, in a vain grasp at the last glory days, and to eradicate the Curse of Chucky- when Gruden got his revenge on Al Davis, and clobbered the Raiders with his Tampa Bay Bucs in Super Bowl XXXVII (2003).  

TOXINS 13, COLTS 22

Take your big cowboy hats off and put 'em over your hearts, fans, because the Houston Toxins slid all the way from 3-3 to 4-12, and passed the Colts on the final day of the season, to finish in a solid, proud second place in the AFC Doormat. The Toxins swept the Colts on the season, and win the tiebreaker.  The Clots finish 4-12, and beat these teams:  Browns, 49ers (before they lost their way and started winning), Texans, Texans.  So, Indy was plenty bad, but just not bad enough.  Clearly this was not enough, as the Clots fired coach Pagano.  That'll fix it.

GIANTS 18, WASHINGTONS 10

Ooops. Well, you can't lose 'em all. Giants still nail down 2nd pick in the draft. Redskins almost make it to 10 losses, but just didn't have enough mistake-prone players. Maybe next year. 

JETS 6, PATS 26

The Jets committed 9 penalties yesterday, with 6 of them going for Patriot first downs. They didn't need to do that, but gifts are appreciated at this time of year, even for a team that seems to get 'gifts' on a regular basis.

49ERS 34, RAMS 13

Out!  Beat it. Fun fact:  49ers first team to ever lose the first 9, and then win 6 games (5 was enough, in fact).  Shocking turnaround.  Never seen it, and the stats confirm it.  They still made the 10 club, but boy is that tainted. They are going to have to pay for those Pabst talls. 

BUCS 31, SAINTS 24

In some sort of final insult, the Bucs finally win a game in the final moments, after snatching defeat from the jaws of victory in countless others.  Actually, it's 11 losses, to be precise.  Bucs QB Jameis Winston rifles 3 interceptions, but it was just not enough. 

BRONCOS 24, CHIEFS 27

Orange is as orange does.  Excellent futile comeback from 14 down.  

Bongos coach Vance Joseph (did you even know that's who coaches this team?) gets to stew in his own New Year's hangover until his meeting today with VP John Elway.  Have a little hair of the dog, V.  You may have to keep coaching this time bomb next year.

BEARS 10,  VIKINGS 479

I'll bet John Fox took his time leaving the field yesterday. Just don't coach another Orange team, John. You need a break.

ORANGE-YOU-BAD FINAL STANDINGS

BROWNS    0-16

BRONCOS  4-12

BEARS        5-11

BUCS          5-11  (honorary orange bad)

FINS            6-10

BENGALS   7-9

TEN CLUB MEMBERSHIP, 2017

An unprecedented number of teams cleared 10 losses this year, ELEVEN, seriously depleting the Parity Division (only one 8-8 team, the Cards).  the AFC contributed an unprecedented 7 Ten-loss clubs.  Here they are, in all their tarnished glory:

Browns        0-16

Giants          3-13

Texans         4-12

Colts            4-12

Broncos       5-11

Bears           5-11

Jets              5-11

Bucs             5-11

Dolphins       6-10

49ers            6-10

Raiders        6-10

A FINAL WORD

It's been a wild season, fans, capped off with the ultimate in Doormat perfection, an 0-16 team. May you find victories in your future, in your coffee, in your change jar. Remember, America doesn't love a winner (except for really annoying rich snobs who think every human besides them is in the 'service' industry)- they love an Underdog. One who rises up and wins, from out of nowhere. 

In daily life, we spend a lot more time absorbing losses, big and small, than wallowing in victories. In fact, part of loving your team that finally DOES win is that they are doing it for you, and you can continue on your crooked path of small victories and innumerable losses, while relying on the camaraderie of coping with it with all with your fellow humans, family, friends, and like-minded fans. But your TEAM- they pulled it off. Maybe.  Some DAY. And you didn't have to lift weights to get it done. 

That's why we come to just hate 'winners' and can't wait for them to get taken down a peg...or 12. Think about the Patriots (Pats fans leave the room)...keep thinking...what do you want to happen to them? Right now, it's get to the Super Bowl, and just get clobbered, right?  Or is it just get snuffed in their first playoff game by, say...Buffalo? You get the point. 

I'm stepping out from behind the curtain for a moment because nobody's cleaned back there in ages and whew its- wait a minnit.  The SF Giants had never won a World Series since moving to SF in 1958.  I moved here in '77.  In 2009...still no World Series victory. I did the math- 51 years. It was going to outlive me- happens all the time. But, improbably, they pulled it off.  Oh my god the payoff.  I cried.  We all cried.  The Trophy in coach Bochy's hands riding in the convertible down Market St....it was REAL. We got there, and it sure didn't come cheap, baby. 52 years. 

 I don't know about you, but we- the Doormat Division- cannot stand some kid who lives in Snotbank, WI, choosing the Yankees or the Warriors (my team, but I know they are becoming really tiresome to everybody else) or the Pats as their favorite team. Teams nowhere near their Sphere of Losing. Hundreds of miles away! That's just weird. It's painless, I guess. They don't get it. It's not earned. It's remote- not nearby, like the rest of the damn bungles that you live with in your town. But they're young and skeered, so - give them time. If they spend their whole life just bandwagon jumping, then they...they aren't real people. They don't want to get down in the trenches and muddle through to...Honey, should I pick up some beer? 

For the rest of us? Stick with them. Stick with those lousy Browns, Raiders, Broncos, Lions, Giants. You know they'll be back. And if not in your lifetime, then in your kids (or the kids in the neighborhood), or your grandkids, or- OK that's enough of that. Be helpful. Hand it down. It's your civic duty. 

The Basement wraps it up for another lustrous, long winter. We'll be back for some season-ending notes.  May the victories be all the sweeter, some sunny day.

ANNNnND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!

Cleveland's Date with Destiny (and I don't mean Beyonce): NFL Week 17 Predictions

Burt scribbles out the Brownie's date with Destiny

Record snow, record low temperatures, record ice pack on Lake Eerie, and the record-setting 0-15 Cleveland Brownies have a date with destiny as they travel to equally snowed-in Pittsburgh and answer the question every doormat fan is asking: "Can they go 0-16?" It would tie the 2008 Detroit Kittens for the worst season on record. 

Fans in Cleveland are so acclimated to losing, they are planning a "victory" parade. I checked in with a few fans at Clark Bar*, one of the diviest dive bars in Cleveland. Snuggled on 1201 Clark Avenue, reviewers say the bar opens (parentheses mine) "several hours before every Browns game, giving fans a chance to enjoy breakfast (or get passed out drunk) before they watch the game. Even when Cleveland’s football team isn’t on the field (which often appears to be the case even when they are on the field)," fans enjoy not being home and drinking beer instead of doing chores.

"Tampa Bay and Detroit like to brag about their epic failures," says Dierdre, a buxom mid-30s woman in a tight leather vest. "But the Brownie Dogs are going to piss all over that."

"Yeah," a dark-haired bar guy named Burt chips in. "This will be the record of all records because no one has played this bad consistently for three years, and everyone knows threes are, like cosmic." 

Burt grabs a napkin in his greasy fingers and writes on it with a fresh, wet Sharpie.  From 76-78 Tampa Bay was 7-37 (0-14 in 76); Detroit from 08-10 was 8-40 (0-16 in 08), but Cleveland, if they lose this week, from 15-17 will be 4-44 (0-16 in 2017). Burt leans in close, his breath hot with 8:30 a.m. bourbon. "No one has ever lost every game in a season and put together a three year string like that."

Dierdre agrees. "The Kittens can eat their own Kat Box, and the Bootineers won a Super Bowl once somewhere so they don't even count anymore. I hate Florida."

A non-regular in a light blue hoodie at the end of the bar looks up from his gin. "The '08 Kittens were statistically much worse than this year's Brownies. Kittens are still the worst."

Burt starts scribbling on another napkin. "Statistics do not tell the whole story, see here, the '08 Cleveland squad was actually ranked lower in total offense, passing,  rushing, points, first downs, and Red Zone Pct. (34%, Yoik!) than the Kittens, and the Kittens defense was worse, but if you combine the EXP stats, Brownies are worse in '08, yet the Kittens out-lost them.  So screw your stats."

The Detroit hoodie guy starts to argue back, but Dierdre leans on the bar and says she needs some help with her car battery. "It's awful cold out there this morning. Can you give me a hand?" Hoodie guy leaves with her.

"He won't be back," the bartender, Tyerone says. He refills my beer and adds, "Losin' to Pittsburgh won't be no easy piece."

"You're dreamin," Burt says. "The Blank Helmet crew has lost the last 5 games against the Steelers. Not a chance. They are out there in the snow right now doin' fumble drills and shanked punt practice. They are gonna be ready like a plugged sewer pipe with a gas leak waitin' for a match."

Tyerone shakes his head; a wizened Jedi of losing. "This ain't no important game or nothin' for the Steelers. Win or lose, they get the same playoff seed. I bet Big Ben, LeVeon Bell, and half the starters don't even play. Why risk it? Brownies will be up against the third string. It won't be a steel curtain, it will be a shower curtain out there in the snow. Brownies are going to win this one and blow the whole season; which is what they do."

"You're right," Burt says. "Cleveland will need to focus on big plays in order to lose. If they get into a grind-it-out game against a bored opponent, they could win." Burt starts scribbling on a napkin again. "They been crazy this year in turnovers resulting in points and total yards allowed on punts and kickoffs. That will be the key to this loss."

The bar door swings open, a cold blast of air, some errant snowflakes, and Dierdre come in. "He couldn't help," she says. "I think he got lost or fell down or somethin'. Hey, Tyerone, how about a Irish coffee, it's morning." She picks up the napkin with the won/loss records on it. "Hey, even if they win against Pittsburgh, they still 5-43, still a record. We can't lose!"

"It only counts if they lose every game in a season," Burt sighs. "C'mon, Brownies, you gotta lose."

So that's the news from Cleveland, and here are the picks of the week as the frozen turkey catapult launches birds across the Cuyahoga river.

Browns- 18

Steelers- 24

Bears- 16

Vikings- 34

Jets- 28

Patriots- 36

Redskins- 17

Giants- 14

Bengals- 10

Ravens- 28

Bills- 14

Dolphins- 17

Saints- 35

Buccaneers- 14

Chiefs- 14

Broncos- 9

Raiders- 17

Chargers- 28

49ers- 21

Rams- 28

The Oracle has finished his beer at Clark Bar and has spoken!

*The characters depicted in this story are entirely fictional and are not taken from any real person either living or dead. And all of us here in the Doormat Division extend our admiration to the real Clark Bar, one of the best, classic blue collar bars in Cleveland. The kind of place we love to visit.

WEEK 16 WRAP-UP: GAROPPOLOCO!!

WRONG-WAY WHINERS

BROWNS TEETERING ON HISTORY.  BUCS ROCKET INTO 2ND.  TOXIC IN TEXAS.    RAIDERS...OH DEAR.  AFC-NFC LOSING IMBALANCE!!


DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK 16

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               2-13         228      378      -150

TAMPA BAY              4-11         304      358      -54

CHICAGO                  5-10         254      297      -43

SANTA CLARA         5-10         297      370      -73

WASHINGTON          7-8           332      370      -38 

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-15        210      382     -172
INDIANAPOLIS         3-12        241      391     -150
HOUSTON                 4-11        325      414      -89
DENVER                    5-10        265      355      -90
NY JETS                    5-10        292      356      -64

THE GAMES

BROWNS 3,  BEARS 20

As expected, the Cleveland Blank Helmets put the freeze on yesterday at Frozen Solid Soldier Field and dispatched the Bears as if the Bears were not the Bears. Brownout QB DeShone Kizer piled on two more INTs for his league-leading 21, and the Browns, once again,put in a professional job of losing that, really honestly, just can't be beat. Won. Beat. You know what I mean. As the fans filed out to the parking lots and the trains, you could here the classic refrain echoing off the concrete: "Well, we may be bad, but at least we're not the Browns." And really, who can be?  

The Perfect Season and the Perfect Season Parade is on the line next week. The Steelers play host, and they are still fighting for something called 1st seed, whatever that is, but I think it means they'll be playing Road Kill with the Browns, whether they like it or not. But, what if New England is ahead by 40 points by halftime in their game? Will the Steelers pull the plug and give the Browns an opening to blow the whole thing? Here's your question:  How many starters do the Steelers have to rest before the Browns have a shot at winning?  

49ERS 44, JAGS 33

Ok, we can't call them the Whiners anymore. Doormats DO NOT score 21 points in the 4th quarter. Doormats are gassed and hitting the oxygen in the 4th quarter.  Following up last week's resurrection of cheering at Levi's Stadium, the Santa Clara 49ers rack up 44 points on what is supposed to be a great Jags defense, to the delight of a delirious half-filled stadium. Maybe this is a good preview of playoff performance coming up for the Jags. The fighting over by the bench was a nice touch. They may be a turnaround team (worst to first), but on Sunday, 'turned around' had a different meaning.  

The Niners, six games under .500 at the start of the game, beat the Jags, who were 6 games over .500. This almost never ever happens.  It's a humongous upset. Thank you, Whi-  Niners, I mean, for supplying some late season heroics for Underdogs everywhere.  Woo-Hoo!!

BUCS 19,  PANTHERS 22

There is always something special about watching your team leader completely losing his cool as the game winds down to another close loss. Gain over 400 yards of offense and lose! Confuse the fans! Of course, the Bucs do this as a game plan most weeks, so hats off to the whole organization for this inexorable drive to 2nd place in the NFC Doormat. The Bucs leapfrog the 49ers and Bears, but have run out of games to lose to catch the Giants. Just too much ground to make up.

BILLS 16, PATS 27

Controlling your own destiny is asking a lot, and the Bills confirmed it was too much to ask. The Pats got their usual preference treatment, and the Bills got a TD swiped from them.  Good lord, doesn't the league ever learn? The Bills now need all kinds of help to make the playoffs, but it could still happen. 17 years of no playoffs.  Tick...tick....tick

GIANTS 0, CARDINALS 23
In a must-lose situation, with the Colts breathing down their Moldy Carpet necks, the Giants pulled off a shut-out for the Cards (first time in 25 years) and have to lose again next Sunday against the Washingtons to be, at least, the second worst team in the league.  3 turnovers, 10 penalties, 1-13 on third down. Solid.

RAIDERS 10, EAGLES 19

Remember last year?  When the Raiders had 7 come-from-behind wins?  Watching this ghastly idea of a Christmas Day entertainment yesterday, it was clear that the Raiders had ironed all that come-from-behind stuff out of their routine and game plans. On the Eagle side, maybe Nick Foles can Trent Dilfer his way to the Super Bowl. The Eagle defensive line eliminated the word 'pocket' yesterday.  And now, the Raiders just have to lose one more, and they'll have 10 losses, and we'll have to let them back in the Basement. The take up a LOT of space. 

BRONCOS 11, WASHINGTONS 27

Punt. Punt. Field Goal. Punt. Fumble. Interception. Time runs out (halftime). Punt. Punt. Punt. Downs. Fumble. Touchdown.  

Yep, always save the best for last, as long as the L is long since decided.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

CHARGERS 14, JETS 7

18 Punts. EIGHTEEN. The Jets gave up 379 yards to the Chargers, but it was barely enough. Wasn't "Three First Downs and a Punt" a movie with Hugh Grant in it? The Jets staged their own funeral yesterday, hitting the 10-loss gold standard for Doormat membership. The Chagrins, ridiculously, could still make the playoffs. I nominate them for Doormat Rep to the Playoffs.  

TOXINS 6, STEELERS 34

The Pittsburgh Steelers and the Houston Toxins played a rousing game of Road Kill yesterday. You can hang as many ornaments as you like on that sucker.  It's just kinda hard to cover that many tire tracks.  

COLTS 16, RAVENS 23

The Indianapolis Colts can still be the second-worst team in the league.  They can also be one of the worst for their own franchise, all-time.  So many milestones to hit.  But, the Houston Toxic Cloud looms on their Sunday horizon, so don't start counting your sacks before they hatch. One more loss to cross.  

The Colts can't tie their 1981 team for worst season in franchise history (2-14), but they REALLY can't touch the 533 points they gave up, which still stands as the most points given up by anybody anywhere on the planet. I think that goes for Mars and Venus, too. Pro-football-reference doesn't have those stats, so I'm going with my interstellar gut on that.

DOLPHINS 13, CHIEFS 29

The Fins went 0-8 on 3rd down. Mix that with 11 penalties for 75 yards, and you can just imagine the fun. The Chiefs are back on their game, and hey, no fair, you guys are faster off the ball than us! If the Floppers can blow it next week against the Bills, no gimme, they'll have the coveted 10th loss, and a spot on the sofa for the winter.  

LIONS 17, BENGALS 26

The Lions just can't leave it alone. Some team comes along, eager to get their 10 loss, and the old Kitten Pride surfaces, and they steal a loss from them. It's getting old. But, what can you expect from someone who once ruled the Doormat Division like Gods?

Well, the AFC can end with as many as 10 teams with 10 losses this season, while the NFC is already done with only 4 teams with 10 losses. Clearly, the league needs to do something about this imbalance, and instill some kind of parity with losing. It's the right thing to do.

By the way here's a fun link to each NFL team's worst season, brought to you by the nice people at ESPN: 

http://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/page/32for32x171226/worst-nfl-teams-seasons-ever-history-all-32-franchises

Please note that that article is somewhat subjective, as there are some seasons by the listed teams that were 'worse' by record.  Still, a good read.

Oh, and if they haven't already left town, make sure you apologize, sincerely, for all the incredibly dumb stuff you said yesterday after your third spiked egg nog and half the family isn't even speaking to you. In the Basement, we learned long ago that pride is just a foolish vanity. And after a while, you learn how to prepare crow so it goes down better. We can provide some handy recipes.  All you gotta do is ask.  


aaaAAAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!

Watching the Worst is the Best: NFL Predictions Week 16, Doormat Style!

Quick stat: who has the longest Super Bowl droughts? 

(This list includes all teams who have never had an appearance.)

TEAM | LAST APP. | YRS.

Detroit Lions, NEVER, 51

Cleveland Browns, NEVER, 48 (Why not 51? There were no Browns for a spell.)

New York Jets, 1968, 48

Kansas City Chiefs, 1969, 47

Minnesota Vikings, 1976, 40

Miami Dolphins, 1984, 32

Cincinnati Bengals, 1988, 28

Washington Redskins, 1991, 25

Buffalo Bills, 1993, 23

Jacksonville Jaguars, NEVER, 22

San Diego Chargers, 1994, 22

Dallas Cowboys, 1995, 21

Tennessee Titans, 1999, 17

Houston Texans, NEVER, 15

Los Angeles Rams, 2002, 15

Oakland Raiders, 2002, 14

Tampa Bay Buccaneers, 2002, 14

That's a pretty elite list there! Any teams with over 40 years absenteeism are to be admired here in the cave. A permanent space for them at the bar and the Hibachi. Interesting that the two teams in the 2002 Super Bowl have not made it back. There must be a 2002 jinx.

But now (drum roll please) the Oracle predicts who will be in the Doormat Bowl in February during Carnaval at the Raiders home stadium in beautiful Mexico City: Gnats vs. Brownies!

As the season staggers to its demise, the Doormat Bowl is all but set in stone. The Whiners, once the team that was a guaranteed victory for their opponents, have gone completely off the reservation with Jimmy Garrapozilla chucking the football and they are riding high on the crest of an amazing three-game winning streak. What does this mean for the NFC? Well, the Giants are 2-12 while Chicago and San Francisco are both 4-8. Buuuuuuut, even if the Gnats win out and they all finish 4-12, they will still lose the Conference because they lost to the Whiners and the Whiners beat the Bears. And of course the Brownies can't be stopped even if they lose out. They are an "L" machine. It will be the Gnats and the Brownies in Doormat Bowl 2018. I don't think the Gnats have a prayer. This could be real history, 0-16 and three Doormat Bowl losses (victories?) in a row for the Blank Helmet Crew. The Patriots of the basement!

But there are still some really bad games to see, and as we all know, "Watching the Worst is the Best!" So here are the predictions for Week 16 in the NFL. Fire up the frozen turkey catapult!

Colts- 8

Ravens- 42

(Colts call for a farrier but new shoes don't help.)

Buccaneers- 21

Panthers- 33

(Exhausted from having to out-lose the Failcons, the team that won a Super Bowl 14 years ago and then hung up the spikes is out of gas for the hungry Panthers.)

Browns- 36

Bears- 38

(Game of the week as promised by the Commish! Desperate to win at least one game this year, the Blank Helmets bring the kitchen sink and 42 gallons of 5-Hour Energy, but it is not enough. Chicago fans go home disgusted as Bears blow anychance to be in the Doormat Bowl.

Lions- 28

Bengals- 17

(Lions can lose anywhere, anytime, a Doormat to truly be feared, but the Bengals will be too much for them this week.)

Chargers- 21

Jets- 18

(Jets hang around all game again and come up empty....again.)

Broncos- 21

Redskins- 24

(The other "Game off the Week." Broncos have won two whole games (gee) and looked pretty good doing it. Are they a doormat or not? Redskins put up lots of good stats, but the points never add up. A true stealth doormat. This game is very hard to call. Thank goodness I have a frozen turkey and a catapult.)

Jaguars- 52

Whiners- 38

(Jags are firing on all cylinders and feeling like a real playoff team, but Niners have new life thanks to a handsome quarterback and a defensive coach that is on fire. Whiners score big, but lose big.)

Giants- 12

Cardinals- 16

(Wow, if Giants could win a game, this would be it. But they have played better against good teams than bad teams this year. Edge to the Cardinals.)

Steelers- 48

Texans- 2

(Good grief, the Toxins have put in a stellar doormat performance this season and we all missed it. Hats off to you, fellers!)

Raiders- 10

Eagles- 56

(Bye-bye Raydurz. Maybe next year, but probably next decade.)

The Oracle has spoken!

NFL WEEK 15 WORST STATS

OUR LOSS LEADERS:


NFL WEEK 14 WORST STATS

Interceptions Thrown:   19, DeShone Kizer, Browns.  Kizer heeded the call, and got back in the swing of it, netting two INTS, while also executing a fumble six in his own end zone. Says here he gets to 20 INTs before it's all over. Aaron Rodgers tried to make up for lost time with 3 INTs, and Philip "Why is the other team in the Way?" Rivers (3 int) came through for Charger fans in the way they all know only he can do, at the most critical moments.

The battle for Worst Quarterback of the Week was really fierce.  We have to give it to Rivers, as he really knows how to flame out at the most critical moment. 

Sacked:  48 for Jacoby Brisset, Colts.

Biggest Give/Take:  minus 25, Browns


NFL WEEK 14 WORST STATS

Offense:
Points:  7                 SEA;HOU;CIN
First downs:  8         Bengals (9, Texans)
Total Yards:  149      Seahawks

Rushing Yds: 31       Washington
Passing:   71             Seahawks

QB Rating:  27           Bengals (Dalton)
3rd Down Conv:  1-13     Bengals
4th Down Conv: 1-3        Bengals
Red Zone Conv: 0-6       Cardinals 

Turnovers: 4               Packers, Browns
INT:  3                          GB (Rodgers); LAC (Rivers), CHI (Trubinsky), MIA (Cutler)
Fumbles/lost:  2/2       Browns, Saints
Sacked: 7-71              Seahawks
Fumble six given:  1    Browns, Bucs
Pick-six given:  1         Bengals

DEFENSE:
Points:  45                  Texans     
Total Yards: 504          Eagles (they tried to lose, they really did)
Pass yards: 429          Eagles
Rush Yards: 244          Seahawks
No Sacks: 0                Jets, Cowboys

Penalties for first downs:  5  Eagles (out of 7 total penalties, very efficient)
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  10-16,  Patriots 

Red Zone conv allowed:  3-4    PITT, GB, MIA

MISC:
Punts:  11               Texans  (11 punts is a-maz-ing)

Total Punts: 17       Texans-Jags
Penalties: 14-127   Texans  14-105, Raiders       
Blocked Punt TD given up:  none

Total Penalties: 22   Texans-Jags

Time of Poss:  23:14  Seahawks

aaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!

WEEK 15 WRAP-UP: More Perfecter Than YOU

More Perfecter Than You

Browns clinch, Giants a lock, 49ers off the rails, 

Bears bear down, Colts feeling pressure

 Moldy Carpet smelling better than ever.

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK 15

NFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

NY GIANTS               2-12         228      355     -127
CHICAGO                 4-10         234      294      -60

SANTA CLARA         4-10         253      337      -84

TAMPA BAY              4-9           264      312     -48
WASHINGTON          6-8          305       359     -54

AFC

                                  W-L          PF        PA      DIF

CLEVELAND             0-14        207      362     -155
INDIANAPOLIS         3-11        225      368     -143
HOUSTON                 4-10        319      380      -61
DENVER                    5-9          254      328      -74
CINCINNATI               5-9         233      305      -72
NY JETS                    5-9         285       342     -57       

BROWNS 10, RAVENS 27

Get out your paper bags, and cut some eyeholes, Browns fans! Another professional, workmanlike effort from the 0-14 Men of Blank, clinching the AFC championship with a turnover blitz against the game, but not gamey enough, Baltimore Ravens (the ex-Browns).  Immediately getting some Ravens points up on the first defensive series (3-0), the Brownouts followed up with two punts and an interception. But the Ravens just punted right back, and then unleashed a botched defensive play that gave the Browns a 59-yard sprint down the field by Isiah Cromwell, followed by a rare end zone appearance by a Brown for a touchdown. Browns lead 7-3.  Browns fans settled in for the inevitable collapse. Patience, grasshopper.

The nerves calmed down, though, and the Browns uncorked Baltimore's passing game, plus sprinkled in a fumble at their own 45. Next thing you know, the Poes had two touchdowns, and, despite a last-minute first half field goal by the Blanks, were safely up 17-10 at the half.  

The second half began with frenzied punting by both sides, but the Browns craftily moved back, back, back, until they were pinned at their own 4 after the Raven's second punt.  Seizing the opportunity, Browns QB DeShone Kizer drops back into the end zone and...waits..don't look around...and pow! - coughs up a perfect Fumble Six, kicking the Ravens a little further down the street, with no view of a loss any where in sight. 24-10. Game over.

Next week is the big one- the 4-10 Chicago Bears will be playing host to the Brownouts on the 24th, the biggest obstacle to a perfect season for Cleveland. It is eerily similar to last year, when the Chargers waltzed into Cleveland with a 5-9 record, on Xmas eve, and shoved a win down the Browns throats, wrecking the Perfect Season Parade plans. But, as hard as Bears coach John Fox may work at desultory losses, I think the Browns have it wired. But, that's why they play the game.... for the tailgate. What?  

BEARS 10, LIONS 20

Getting an early start to the losing weekend, the Bears buried the Lions with an avalanche of penalties (13) at the Kat Box on Saturday. Following up their Orange Bad victory last week over the nearly-Bengals with a three interception scorcher from QB Mitchell Trubinsky, the Bears move into second place in the Doormat NFC, holding the tie-breaker over the 49ers. Next week Trubinsky and Kizer will play the rookie turnover-challenge-game-within-the-game that decides the game.  

COLTS 13, BRONCOS 25

Our only Doormat head-to-head game this week, and it was a nail-biter until after the halftime burritos and beer huddle in the Colts locker room. To be fair, the Clots staged an arduous 12-play grind to start the 2nd half, ran out of gas, belched, kicked a field goal, and called it a day on offense.  The defense responded with 15 Broncos points, and both teams got to take the 4th quarter off.  As it should be.

GIANTS 29, EAGLES 34

They almost did it again. Playing their best football of the season, the Gnats come perilously close to scoring another 3up3down upset,almost tying the game in the 3rd quarter at 31 on a two-point conversion attempt. But, they came up short, and then did what all our loss leaders do- run out of fuel in the 4th quarter, and watch it all melt away like so many fans into the chilled, gray, New Jersey afternoon, shuffling back to the last burnt weenie on the dark BBQ back in the lot. 

TEXANS 7, JAGUARS 45

Pitching in mightily for the Jaguars playoff clinching party, the Houston Toxins needed only 4 extra plays over the minimum for the 1st half (all 3-and-outs would be a 'perfect game') on offense, and just continued the Chaos Rules routine in the defensive backfield, and kablooey the Jaguars were up 31-0 at halftime. Oh, that "changing of the guard" feels good, don't it, Jags fans? Toxins make the 10-loss club with two weeks to spare.

3 UP 3 DOWN UPSET!!  (3 games over .500 vs.  3 games under .500)

49ERS 25, TITANS 23

It's all gone completely off the rails for the Whiners. Once 0-9, and then only taking a win against the tough-to-lose-to Giants, the Whiners have won 3 straight!! WHAT?? Ever since the new Italian model took over behind center, it's just not at all the same. Doormats don't win 3 straight. They've gone Garoppoloco. But, look at the bright side: they still only got one touchdown, during 'Celek Time', and still some brilliantly boneheaded penalties got sprinkled in there.

 But, SIX field goals is going way beyond Doormat logic.  Guys, yes, you're supposed to fail in the red zone, and kick field goals, but not SIX. You'll win the damn game. Well, there's nothing for it but to celebrate the rare 3up3down victory for a Doormat...who isn't looking at all like a doormat. Enjoy the fresh air, you bums!

RAIDERS 17, COWBOYS 20

Oh, lord, we're gonna have to let them in, aren't we?  Next week it's the Eagles and then the 'who's got the tee-times set up?' game against the Chargers. They could lose 10. The Silver and Blacked Out are hovering out on patio. Geez, and we put all the Raider stuff out on the curb in the Free Box last January. Bother.

DOLPHINS 16, BILLS 24

The tension. Out of the playoffs for 17 seasons, the Bills 'control their own destiny', which is probably something Bills fans don't want to hear. Now that the Fin Flop is over, the Bills travel to Foxboro for tea with the Pats, that super-annoying 9 straight division title winning culture that you just wanna punch in the...is there any more potato salad?  

CARDS 15, WASHINGTONS 20

That's 10 straight field goals by the Cards, so you know Blaine Gabbert is on his game. 

Hold onto your blank hats, fans, the Perfect Season Parade is coming to a Cleveland near you!!

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!!!!!!

THE NON-ORACLE SPEAKS - NFL PREDICTIONS WEEK 15

THE ORACLE HATH...HATH...my tongue ith thwollen

Well, the Oracle got so many right last week that he went on a 3-day bender, disappeared for the next 2, and was finally located at a truck stop outside Winnemucca.  He was quietly having two eggs, over-easy, with bacon and Hash Browns, when a disheveled waitress came in from the back and gave him some pants to put on.  There was a bit of a hubbub, but everything worked out OK and somebody gave us a call. The Commish got him a ticket on the next Greyhound back in this direction.

He'll be fine, but, while he's en route, we're gonna have to CALL THE SHOTS ourselves, no catapult, spinning or other devices to help us with predictions.  Here goes:

There is not a single Bottomfeeder vs. Bottomfeeder game this week.  !!

BEARS @ LIONS (-5.5)
The Bears won 33-7, against the dismantled Bengals last week, and that's as far as this train ride is going. A glaring gaudy 4-9 record makes it impossible for the Bears to do anything except nail down the 10th loss, and what better place to do it but at the Kat Box. Lions cover the spread.  LIONS

TITANS @ 49ERS (+2)
When is an 8-5 team only a 2-point favorite over a 3-10 team? When you're the Titans. Good Lord, if the fading 49ers (3-10) win this one, that would be 3 in a row, and 3 of 4.  They coulda been a contender. The Titans, though 8-5, have exactly one good team they've beaten: the Seahawks, and that was back in Week 3 when the Hags stank. The rest- phaugh.

But!  Should the Red and Gold somehow pull off this one, too, that would be an bonafide 3up-3down upset (3 games over .500 vs. 3 games under .500).  I'd say this is the softest 8-5 team you could fish out of the barrel, but HEY.  49ers beat spread. What the heck-  49ers win.  Upset of the week. NINERS

BENGALS @ VIKINGS (-12)
Let's face it- that Steelers game two weeks ago was it.  Now it's just about getting 10 losses and forgetting about everything else.  Bengals get #9.  Bengals will, however, beat the spread. VIKES

EAGLES @ GIANTS (+7.5)
Well, having Nick Foles at QB makes this slightly more of a game.  But, the Giants are not going to screw up and beat a division opponent this year.  They're running the table. Eagles cover spread. EAGLES.

MIAMI @ BUFFALO (-3)
This is the Parity Battle of the week, Miami (6-7) and Buffalo (7-6) and...it's snowing in Buffalo today.  Hmm-hmm hmm.  These two teams will be trying to kill each other. But, the Fins have won two straight, they are reaching the limit of their focus, and Cutler's aging decrepit carcass will seize up in the Fridge by the Lake, and it'll be no place for a hairless mammal to be out of water.  Spread holds. BILLS

TEXANS @ JAGUARS (-12)
Texans looked like Doormat pros last week against the 49ers, and maybe the Jags will just run over them for something to do. But this IS a divisional last gasp, and that spread looks a little gaudy.  Jags win, Texans beat the spread.  JAGS.

RAVENS @ BROWNS (+7)
You never know with the Raven-Poes.  It's like the Pit and the Pendulum.  Well, just Never Bet the Devil Your Head, if you know what I mean.  Ravens cover spread, cover Browns, and Browns fans run for cover.  Stay in the parking lot! The chili is good!  RAVENS

CARDINALS @ WASHINGTON (-4)
If the 5-8 Washingtons want to have any hope of finishing with 10 losses, they have to blow this one, because the next two games are the Broncos and the Giants, and that's a tall order to lose both of those. Final game of the season vs. Giants?  Good luck losing that one.  Says here Skinks get 'er done.  The Blaine Gabbert renaissance continues for the Cards. cough. CARDS

JETS @ SAINTS (-16)
BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK.  With Jet's QB Josh McCown out with an owie, and hey when your OC admits to having given up on the team during the last game, I mean...guys, let's lose big big big. Lose one for the coach!  It'll have his name written all over it.  
Saints cover spread.   SAINTS

COWBOYS @ RAIDERS (+3)
Seems like a very long time ago the Raiders clobbered the Jets 45-21, back in week 2.  Raiders have to lose all 3 remaining games to make it to 10 losses and erase all the good vibes from last season.  This is the tough one.  Next week is the Eagles and the last week is the Chargers, who I think will pummel a Raiders team that will have already got their tee times lined up before that one.  So- can they blow this one?  The non-Oracle says YES.   COWBOYS

The Non-Oracle has Spoken!!

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!