 |
| Burt scribbles out the Brownie's date with Destiny |
Record snow, record low temperatures, record ice pack on Lake Eerie, and the record-setting 0-15 Cleveland Brownies have a date with destiny as they travel to equally snowed-in Pittsburgh and answer the question every doormat fan is asking: "Can they go 0-16?" It would tie the 2008 Detroit Kittens for the worst season on record.
Fans in Cleveland are so acclimated to losing, they are planning a "victory" parade. I checked in with a few fans at Clark Bar*, one of the diviest dive bars in Cleveland. Snuggled on 1201 Clark Avenue, reviewers say the bar opens (parentheses mine) "several hours before every Browns game, giving fans a chance to enjoy breakfast (or get passed out drunk) before they watch the game. Even when Cleveland’s football team isn’t on the field (which often appears to be the case even when they are on the field)," fans enjoy not being home and drinking beer instead of doing chores.
"Tampa Bay and Detroit like to brag about their epic failures," says Dierdre, a buxom mid-30s woman in a tight leather vest. "But the Brownie Dogs are going to piss all over that."
"Yeah," a dark-haired bar guy named Burt chips in. "This will be the record of all records because no one has played this bad consistently for three years, and everyone knows threes are, like cosmic."
Burt grabs a napkin in his greasy fingers and writes on it with a fresh, wet Sharpie. From 76-78 Tampa Bay was 7-37 (0-14 in 76); Detroit from 08-10 was 8-40 (0-16 in 08), but Cleveland, if they lose this week, from 15-17 will be 4-44 (0-16 in 2017). Burt leans in close, his breath hot with 8:30 a.m. bourbon. "No one has ever lost every game in a season and put together a three year string like that."
Dierdre agrees. "The Kittens can eat their own Kat Box, and the Bootineers won a Super Bowl once somewhere so they don't even count anymore. I hate Florida."
A non-regular in a light blue hoodie at the end of the bar looks up from his gin. "The '08 Kittens were statistically much worse than this year's Brownies. Kittens are still the worst."
Burt starts scribbling on another napkin. "Statistics do not tell the whole story, see here, the '08 Cleveland squad was actually ranked lower in total offense, passing, rushing, points, first downs, and Red Zone Pct. (34%, Yoik!) than the Kittens, and the Kittens defense was worse, but if you combine the EXP stats, Brownies are worse in '08, yet the Kittens out-lost them. So screw your stats."
The Detroit hoodie guy starts to argue back, but Dierdre leans on the bar and says she needs some help with her car battery. "It's awful cold out there this morning. Can you give me a hand?" Hoodie guy leaves with her.
"He won't be back," the bartender, Tyerone says. He refills my beer and adds, "Losin' to Pittsburgh won't be no easy piece."
"You're dreamin," Burt says. "The Blank Helmet crew has lost the last 5 games against the Steelers. Not a chance. They are out there in the snow right now doin' fumble drills and shanked punt practice. They are gonna be ready like a plugged sewer pipe with a gas leak waitin' for a match."
Tyerone shakes his head; a wizened Jedi of losing. "This ain't no important game or nothin' for the Steelers. Win or lose, they get the same playoff seed. I bet Big Ben, LeVeon Bell, and half the starters don't even play. Why risk it? Brownies will be up against the third string. It won't be a steel curtain, it will be a shower curtain out there in the snow. Brownies are going to win this one and blow the whole season; which is what they do."
"You're right," Burt says. "Cleveland will need to focus on big plays in order to lose. If they get into a grind-it-out game against a bored opponent, they could win." Burt starts scribbling on a napkin again. "They been crazy this year in turnovers resulting in points and total yards allowed on punts and kickoffs. That will be the key to this loss."
The bar door swings open, a cold blast of air, some errant snowflakes, and Dierdre come in. "He couldn't help," she says. "I think he got lost or fell down or somethin'. Hey, Tyerone, how about a Irish coffee, it's morning." She picks up the napkin with the won/loss records on it. "Hey, even if they win against Pittsburgh, they still 5-43, still a record. We can't lose!"
"It only counts if they lose every game in a season," Burt sighs. "C'mon, Brownies, you gotta lose."
So that's the news from Cleveland, and here are the picks of the week as the frozen turkey catapult launches birds across the Cuyahoga river.
Browns- 18
Steelers- 24
Bears- 16
Vikings- 34
Jets- 28
Patriots- 36
Redskins- 17
Giants- 14
Bengals- 10
Ravens- 28
Bills- 14
Dolphins- 17
Saints- 35
Buccaneers- 14
Chiefs- 14
Broncos- 9
Raiders- 17
Chargers- 28
49ers- 21
Rams- 28
The Oracle has finished his beer at Clark Bar and has spoken!
*The characters depicted in this story are entirely fictional and are not taken from any real person either living or dead. And all of us here in the Doormat Division extend our admiration to the real Clark Bar, one of the best, classic blue collar bars in Cleveland. The kind of place we love to visit.
an absolute BLIZZARD could wreck the Browns game plan.
ReplyDeletethe gas pipe line!!!!
ReplyDeleteTECHNICALLY, the Steelers can still get the #1 seed. But that scenario has the Jets beating the Pats, which, uh, no. So, I think the Steelers have to play all out, or at least until they can see up on the scoreboard that the Pats have it wrapped up.
ReplyDeleteThis headline in today's Cleveland Plain Dealer, "Ben Roethlisberger and Le'Veon Bell expected to join Antonio Brown on sidelines vs. Browns
ReplyDeleteThis baffles me. I guess they think they can beat the Browns no matter who is out there. The top seed is up for grabs.
DeleteAnd the whole story:
ReplyDeleteCLEVELAND, Ohio -- Hold off on building your float for the 0-16 parade for a bit.
The Steelers are expected to rest Ben Roethlisberger and Le'Veon Bell against the Browns Sunday, and star receiver Antonio Brown has already been ruled out with his calf injury.
It means the Browns actually have a slight chance -- emphasis on slight -- to beat the 12-3 Steelers and avoid the dreaded 0-16.
Roethlisberger and Bell both sat out Friday's practice for reasons not injury related, which means they likely won't play. Neither practiced on Wednesday and both were limited on Thursday, despite the fact the Steelers have a slim chance at homefield advantage on the line.
Either Tomlin doesn't think the Steelers have a great shot at homefield (the Jets need to beat the Patriots at Foxborough while Pittsburgh wins), or he's confident his backups can beat the Browns like they did last year.
Brown was ruled out with his calf injury and Pro Bowl center Maurkice Pouncey is also questionable with a hip injury. but the team hasn't confirmed that Roethlisberger and Bell are out. Coach Mike Tomlin said it could come down to the 11th hour, but all signs are pointing that way.
No. 1 overall pick Myles Garrett, for one, will be disappointed if Big Ben -- 21-2 against the Browns -- doesn't play. He planned to "chop him down'' in the opener, but had to sit that one out with his high right ankle sprain.
"I've been waiting for my chance," Garrett said, "and I know they probably think of it as a smart move to probably sit him and rest him for the playoffs. But I'd really like to go and get my chance to play against him, seeing as he's an elite quarterback and been doing it for so long and so well."
But before you start thinking the 0-16 parade on Jan. 6 will be canceled, the Killer B's rested in the final against the Browns last year, but the Steelers still won 27-24 in overtime. Backup QB Landry Jones threw three TDs, including one with 2:57 left in overtime to Cobi Hamilton, a former practice squad player.
the networks neeed to re-arrange everything and broadcast THIS game.
DeleteMaybe it's all a huge dare. The Pats will take out Brady and a couple other guys. The Steelers respond with taking out a couple more. Finally, they'll be playing the practice squad out there, and both the Steelers and Pats lose and nothing changes, in the playoffs. It's all about gearing down. The Steelers aren't going to just HAND the Browns their 16th loss.
DeleteYes, this game should be on in every market! History. Maybe Big Ben is worn our enough they don't think it is worth the risk to win the game and pray for the Pats to lose to the Jets. If anybody can beat the Pats in Foznorboro it's the Steelers. It will be cold and snowy in Pittsburgh, especially with one end of that staium open to the frigig river. In that weather, anybody could win. I can hardly wait for this game!
Delete19 degrees today and snowing in Pittsburgh. 15 tomorrow with a -7 wind chill off the river. I'm getting a bladder of nacho sauce and a case of chips from Costco and a case of Stroh's beer. See you in the cave!
Deleteyou got the game on where you live? awesome!
Deleteyow!!
ReplyDeleteAlso good to hear the phrase “shower curtain” has made it all the way to Clark Bar ! I thought it was a doormat exclusive.
ReplyDelete