It's Xmas morning, so I gotta start grilling some coffee for 27 people in a minute:
The MOLDY CARPET runs thru Jacksonville, just like we predicted about 8 weeks ago. The Indianpolis Dolts, insane winners of two in a row (this just isn't done in the Doormat), and the St. Louis Lambs are neck and neck as we near the finish line. The Dolts have to blow it in Gaguar land, and the Lambs just have to lie down peacfully in San Francisco, like the goose egg they put up yesterday in Pittsburgh, and the Trophy goes back to St. Louis. I really can't believe the Dolts can win 3 in a row....but I didn't think they would win 2, so let's just see if the Gags go on vacation early. It's going down to the WIRE. Important timing- the Dolts-Gags game will be over before the the Lambs-Niners game starts, so the Lambs will know if they still have a chance right before kick-off. The Moldy Carpet is ready!
PLAYOFF BOUND!
Perennial losers the Detroit Lions have made the playoffs for the first time since 1492 (1999), and are looking like just maybe they could even win a game, especially if the 49ers get a first round bye. Niner-Lions rematch would be really juicy, however. Lions leave the ranks of the hopeless, leaving behind the Oakland Raiders as Doormat Kings (yes that's right, they really are worse, over a longer period of time, than anybody else). The Raiders, amazingly, can make the playoffs next week, even with Bunglonian Fogman Carson Palmer at the controls. If Tim Tebow can continue to make a nose dive, the Raiders will also climb out of the muck. They are, at least, guaranteed a .500 record, which does keep them off the patio in the Basement (you must lose at least 10 games to be allowed inside). It's such a shame the last game isn't the Raiders and the Buncos in Oakland. But, at least, it will keep down the homicide rate in Oakland for a day.
The 10 Club:
Already in: Tampa Bay Bootineers, St. Louis Lambs, Indianapolis Dolts, Minnesota Yikings, Jacksonville Gaguars.
Just in: Miami Floppers make the 10 club, and look to have nailed down "Best 10 Loss Team in the NFL." How many games can you lose by 7 points or less? Good grief. The Washington Deadskins make the 10 club, amazingly getting farther under the bar than the Minnesota Yikings. If you can lose to the Yikings, you can lose to anybody.
Still hopeful: 2 of the better tank jobs in the league this year- the Kansas City Cheaps and the Buffalo Nils. The Carolina Pansies can also make it, despite Cam Newton's arrival as the best offensive player in the NFL (holy moley look out). And their chances are good- they have to play the Saints and the Saints will still be fighting for a chance to be #2 seed in the NFC, as the 49ers play the late game. This game will be WILD. Tune in if you can.
Special week 16 mentions:
The Tampa Bay Bootineers lose three more fumbles and toss in an interception to nail down Worst Team of the Week for about the 8th week in a row, getting pasted by Carolina 48-16.
Early Doucet of the Arizona Crudinals will never backpedal while wide freaking open with a chance to tie or win the flipping game. Bonehead Forest play of the day.
NFC STANDINGS
St.Louis Lambs 2-13
Minnesota Yikings 3-12
Tampa Bay Bootineers 4-11
Washington Deadskins 5-10
Carolina Pansies 6-9
AFC STANDINGS
Indianapolis Dolts 2-13
Jacksonville Gaguars 4-11
Cleveland Brownies 4-11
Miami Floppers 5-10
Kansas City Cheaps 6-9
aaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd that's the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!
ooops I forgot to include the Brownies in the 10 club. I guess it's such a done deal, or maybe it's the blank helmets...or maybe it's just one too many bowls of Chomps. Okay I have a visual migraine- gotta go lie down until the light show stops.
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