Friday, December 9, 2016

MASTERS OF DISASTER- The Pick-Six Gods


MASTERS OF DISASTER
or "Just Throw it Up There, Someone Will Score"





  


What do Blake Bortles, Brett Favre, Matt Schaub and the Manning brothers have in common?  They all make a great tuna mac.  No, wait:  They've all shown savvy ability to throw the Pick-Six. 

Ah, the Pick-six:  the most efficient Doormat play an offense can run. Less risky than allowing a punt return for a TD (too much can go wrong). Often overlooked in a quarterback's statistics, here at the Doormat Division we take this tally with all due seriousity.

Brett Favre, dangerously confident hero of the frozen north, is the all-time pick-six leader with a seemingly insurmountable 31- 186 magnificent points for the other team. However, Brett, our NFL interceptions leader at 336, took 19 seasons to get those lofty totals.  

Over in Jacksonville, though, Jaguar Blake Bortles (who inspired this article), has been in the league only 3 years, and already has 11. Should he bamboozle someone into letting him start for 6 more years, he'll have 33 in only 9 seasons. Now that's working it. Blake has thrown 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games. He's on fire. I'll bet Charles Woodson wants to come out of retirement for whoever is playing the Jags next- he's only 1 pick-six score behind Rod Woodson, the career leader with 12 (this stat is not helping us keep straight which Woodson is which). 
If Bortles keeps this up, he gets to grab a clipboard and be a back-up for the rest of his career, like the illustrious Matt Schaub.  

For one season,  Peyton Manning has the record with 6 (2001) before he stopped trying to squeeze passes through 4 defenders. After that, it was only 3. 
Tied with Peyton is, of course, the Chicago Bear's Rudy Bukich in 1966. But you knew that. Rudy, a 12 year back-up, got handed the job with the Bears in '65, beating out the gassed Billy Wade, who was two years Bukich's senior at 35. Both of them came up with the Rams, with Wade a #1 pick. The Bears went 9-5, but Bukich was mostly handing the ball to Gale Sayers.  The next year, though, Rudy got his chance- 21 interceptions against 10 TDs. Sadly, no pick-six data for that year.  

For one game, it's Peyton's long-bomb brother Eli (and slew of others) with 3.

For one QUARTER, it's the legendary Ed Baker (3). Baker's moment of glory was his only start for the Houston Oilers in 1972. He went 4 for 10, with four interceptions, so he spread it around, however telegraphed they may have been. He was a Doormat machine. It is notable that the Oilers won the Moldy Carpet that year, going 1-13.

Most consecutive games with a Pick-Six:  4, Matt Schaub, 2013 (Houston Texans). Seems like only 100 years ago when Schaub was considered one of the best in the league and went to the Pro Bowl twice (amassing a whopping -9 yards at Aloha Stadium, showcasing his 2012 talents admirably).  Then the wheels came off: in 2013 Schaub threw 14 interceptions to a measly 10 touchdowns, and ran off the 4 straight games with a pick-six, thus ending his career as a starter (giving way to budding Doormat pro Case Keenum). With his Pick-Six reputation at it's most shining, Matt landed the back-up job with the still-struggling Oakland Raiders in 2014, leading to perhaps his greatest Doormat moment, in the infamous game vs. the St. Louis Rams.  Entering the game at a Doormat Division leading 1-11, the Raiders hit rock bottom in this one, somehow ultimately losing 52-0.  It was the second worst defeat worst game in Raiders history, though possibly the worst game.  [Read our inspired wrap-up:  http://doormatdivision.blogspot.com/2014/12/doormat-week-13-raiders-take-charge.html  ]

Raider rookie Derek Carr was getting shellacked, and, throwing in the towel, interim coach Tony Sparano (who had replaced Dennis Allen in game 5) told Schaub to put on a helmet and do something.

Wasting no time, Schaub responded by throwing his first pass for a pick six. When you aren't getting many opportunities any more, you gotta pad your stats.  Throwing only 9 passes, Matt also fit in 3 sacks and 2 fumbles.  The Silver and Blacked out finished the season 4-12- ironically being beaten out for the Moldy Carpet by the Houston Texans, who went 2-14.  

Schaub is now plying his clipboard trade for the Atlanta Falcons, the team that originally drafted him.  Falcon fans pray every morning, over their beer and cornflakes, that Matt Ryan plays every single down.  

The Pick Six: a chance at immortality for the man willing to take chances.

-wacko





Monday, December 5, 2016

WEEK 13 REPORT and COLD HARD FACTS OF FANTASY

Niners Take Control of NFC
Browns Don't Lose
Jaguars Must be Taken Seriously
That's Not My Hedgehog


DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 13

AFC
Cleveland -     0-12
Jacksonville -  2-10
NY Jets -         3-8
Cincinnati -     4-7-1
San Diego -    5-7

Indianapolis-   5-6
NFC
San Francisco - 1-11
Chicago -          3-9
Los Angeles -   4-8
Carolina -         4-8
Philly-               5-7

New Orleans    5-7





Game of the Week

WHINERS 6, BEARS 26
If you want to be the king of the Basement in the NFC, and you've got a game coming up at Chicago's Soldier Field Snow Park, by all means spend the week before in Orlando, Florida. Chip Kelly is a genius. Amassing 6 net yards in passing for the WHOLE GAME, the San Francisco 49ers 
put a slushball down their pants and got more penalties (11) than first downs (10). 147 total yards of offense minus 106 yards of penalties comes out to...control of the NFC Basement!!  

The 6 yards of passing coincided brilliantly with Colin Kaepernick's announcement that he will opt out of his contract at the end of the season. Perfect. 

But let's share one stellar moment, a true great in Doormat history: Punting from their own end zone, the Bears arrange a blocked punt, which is caught in the air just 10 yards from the end zone by the 49ers and run back for an apparent touchdown. Even though the DB had run out of bounds at the 4 and everybody in the stadium knew it wasn't a touchdown, at least two 49ers got down in the slush and made snow angels until they drew a 'celebration' penalty. The Whines then ended up out at the 19 yard line, which was really far hey no fair, and settled for a field goal. You really couldn't have drawn up a better knucklehead play if you tried. Or, maybe they did.

The Bears, now, matched up really well for almost the entire first half, even trailing the Whines 6-0 at one point, fumbling the ball away on a punt and a kickoff in the midst of a driving wet snow storm to get those points for the Whiners. It was shaping up to be a gloriously horrrible game. 

But it was their bad luck to have the ball at the 2:00 warning before the half, and out of some kind of duty to protocol, they tried a forward pass (there were no completions in the first quarter by either team, first time since 1988).  OOPS!  3rd-string QB Matt (wow, I'm IN the GAME) Barkley discovered he had no problem completing passes, which, I'm sure had nothing to do with the 49ers Ole' defensive backfield. They skied down the field and scored. Then they couldn't stop it.

Ultimately, the most anticipated game of the Doormat season was no contest. This game was lost in Orlando, and the Bears just had no chance.  Bears now 3-9 and clinging to slim hopes. Niners 1-11 and the Jets coming up at home next week. Another tough challenge?  I dunno, these guys prepare.

BROWNS 0, NOBODY 0
The only way the Browns don't lose is if they don't play. Next week: The Battle for OhiO, 
Bengals-Browns.

JAGAURS 10, BRONCOS 20
Ja-gyu-ars.  Ja-geeyuu-ars. Let's start pronouncing it like the British motor company insists. After all, they PLAY in London every year. Pretty soon, we'll just change the name to the London Pubcrawlers. Jags are 2-10 and keeping the Browns in sight. Gags QB Blake Bortles, with yesterday's fluttering pick-six, has 3 pick-sixes in the last 4 games.  He's got 11 in 3-years (his entire career). Bortles also tossed in a critical fumble near the end, when they were in danger of tying the game.

Just...wow, man.

PANTHERS 7, SEAHAWKS 40
Seahawks run into the Carolina Buzz-Saw, getting 534 yards of offense stuffed into their stat sheet, and any hope of another desultory, blindingly boring game was snuffed out like so many sad campfires in a dank Washington KOA. P.S. We're sending Cam Newton one of our Doormat Ties.  You can smell them when they are still in the box.  

DOLPHINS 6, RAVEN-POES 38
Well, after this bomb-out, maybe the Dolpins can run the table and still get a losing season out of this.  7-9 is still possible! Floppers QB Ryan Tannehill brings home the tuna with 3 interceptions and frightening inaccuracy.

LAMBS 10, PATRIOTS 26
The Lambs are the only team that gets their Doormat nickname in the headline. That's how much we trust them. 7 first downs, 8 punts, 2 interceptions and 400 yards of free offense for New England. Somehow, the Niners were worse than them, but the last game of the season will settle that score.

LIONS 28, SAINTS 13
Adios, Bro-Cha-Chos!!!  The worst the Lions can finish is 8-8. They are leading the NFC North.  They are the best team at converting in the red zone this season.  WTF??  Hoorah for the Lions and the city of Detroit.  We stand up upon our crusted pizza boxes, and raise a stale Rainier Ale toast to the bums from Motown.  Saints still hanging around our grill out on the patio, wanting in.

BUCS 28, CHARGERS 21
Living up to it's billing this was the wildest game of the week (tied with Chiefs -Falcons),  the BUCS end the day (thank you Chiefs) tied for first place in the NFC South. It could all fall apart in the next 4 weeks, but kudos to our exiting Doormat. 

TONIGHT:  JETS-COLTS.  Jets should get this one, but the Colts are completely unreliable.


aaaaAAAAAaaand That's the View From the Basement!!!!!



Saturday, December 3, 2016

Doormats Look Dialed in for Stretch


As the NFL season rounds the back turn and comes into the home stretch, a few "horses" are so far behind that it looks to be impossible for anyone to throttle back enough to finish behind them. Chief among these lumbering, loquacious, laggards is the bumbling Cleveland Browns, a team so bad even Johnny Football is glad he got canned. A team so terrible the top NFL analysts are actually excited to be discussing the possibility of a perfect season for the Brownies and what would be the tie breaker with the Detroit Kittens--the only NFL team to ever go 0-16. If Cleveland reaches that Marianas Trench of football ignominy, how will we determine which team was worse?

Your thoughts on this question greatly appreciated!

And now, to the predictions for Week 13:

Vikings- 15
Cowboys- 17
OK, ok, this game already happened, but it was not a doormat game anyway: until now. the Yikings benefitted from the classic new stadium effect--especially with that giant Viking horn blasting away--that sped them to a 5-0 start. But then they rowed into an iceberg in the icy Northern Division waters and they are now 6-6 and have lost most of those six games in classic come-from-ahead to lose fashion; especially a classic game with the Lions when the Vikings had the lead with 20 seconds to go and kicking off to the Lions; they somehow lost that game in OT. Many are blaming Bradford--and that is not a bad idea--but give him a break. The Vikings O-line has been giving him less than 2 seconds (on average) to throw the ball--worst in the NFL--and he is averaging under 4 yards downfield per pass--also lowest in the NFL. If you don't have time to throw and your recievers don't have time to get open you kick a lot of field goals, which they do. Yes, you are 6-6, but welcome to the Barcalounger, Vikings!

Now for the real predictions:

Lions- 21
Saints- 28

Rams- 8
Patriots- 13 (no Gronk)

Broncos- 13
Jaguars- 3

Texans- 17
Packers- 21
(Remember, if you are under .500 you are in the predictions, and Pack is 5-6)

Eagles- 36
Bengals- 10

Dolphins- 17
Ravens- 12

Bills- 28
Raiders- 33

49ers- 10
Bears- 9
(Game of the week! Don't miss this one.)

Giants- 36
Steelers- 21

Redskins- 24
Cardinals- 10

Buccanees- 21
Chargers- 14

Panthers- 28
Seahawks- 7

Colts- 10
Jets- 9
(Stiff of the week)

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Monday, November 28, 2016

WEAK 12 REPORT AND AUTOPSY

WEAK 12 CHEESE BALL BOMBS
FADING HOPES IN COLD CLIMES and
BEING JUST BADENOV, BORIS

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 12

AFC
Cleveland -    0-12
Jacksonville - 2-10
NY Jets -        3-8
Cincinnati -    3-7-1
San Diego -    5-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-10
Chicago -          2-9
Los Angeles -   4-7
Carolina -         4-7
Green Bay        4-6



BROWNOUTS 13, GIANTS 27
Who can lose a game where the opponent punts 9 times?  The Browns!  Who can lose a game where your opponent gets only 13 first downs?  The Browns!  Who else can lose a game where your opponent gets 100 penalty yards to your measly 35?  Nobody but the Browns!!  Of course fumbling away the ball 3 times, with one of those for a fumble-six, kinda helps.

0-12 AND the worst uniforms in the NFL. C'MON, those are ghastly.  Somebody get that ownership a medal, and make it out of an old Trabant (worst car ever made) grill.  

LAMBS 21, SAINTS 49
Maybe Saints coach Sean Payton is still a little steamed at his old defensive (hits for cash!) coordinator, who now works for the Lambs. It has to hurt your eyes after a while, doing the laser glare at the opposing bench for an entire game.  Actually, Lambie QB Jared Goff must have felt like he was back at Cal:  high scoring game that is exciting for 3 quarters and then you end up getting blown out. Trick plays by the bushel in this one.   

WHINERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Honesty: Chip Kelly and Colin Kaepernick seem to be getting on the same page.  Kaepernick accounted for over 400 yards of offense yesterday.  He was THE man.  They nearly tied the game with 2 seconds to go.  Man, that was a close one.  Luckily for the Whines, he does not play defense, and whoa is that defense just as porous as Chip's most porous Oregon defenses over the years. I swear they couldn't stop a baby stroller pushed by an exhausted diaper-whipped dad. And I should know.  Humongous game next week vs. the Bears.  

JESTS 17, PATRIOTS 22
Another close call for a Doormat yesterday.  Good God, what were the Jests thinking, being ahead deep in the 4th quarter??  Well, relax, fans- the Patriots were safely guided down the field for the go-ahead TD, and Jets QB Ryan "Let Me Blow This" Fitzfumble fumbled away the Jests last fumbling 'chance.'   Jests still in the hunt for the Moldy Carpet, but not really because the Browns will win 1 game at most.  

BEARS 21, TITANS 27
The Barelys do it again- look like they are getting shellacked, and then stage the Futile Comeback and make it look like they tried.  It's a lot of Looking Like, and very little of Actually Being.  Who knew that Soldier Field was a land of fantasy?  Titans have risen to 6-6.  Look out world, a Doormat is crawling up out of the muck.

BUNGLES 14, RAVEN-POES 19
At the beginning of the season, the Bungles were a favorite to challenge for the AFC Championship.  Oh PLEASE. This is the Bungles we're talking about here, and they've already had two winning seasons in a row, and that's way way way more than should be asked for here.  Are they burning Andy Dalton jerseys in their BBQ's in the parking lot?  Are there still scraps of a Carson Palmer jersey in there?  You gonna eat that chicken leg?

GAGUARS 21, BILLS 28
Gags extend their losing streak to 6 games, now, and in this one showed a lot of savvy in losing the lead 5 times.  Not to be denied!  Rack it up!! Wild game up in Buffalo...look out, the Bills are 6-5.  How long has it been since they've been over .500 this late in the season?  Usually by now you know they'll get to 10 losses.  ANOTHER DOORMAT crawls out of the BASEMENT!!!

BUCS 14,  SEAHAGS 5
And yet another perennial loser and close friend is breathing the rarified air in the winning column.  6-5 and snuffing the Hags with ferocious defense (3 turnovers) has GOT to feel good.  

RAIDERS 35, PANTHERS 32
The Raiders' Derek Carr goes out for one series with a jammed pinkie, and the Panthers pounce on it like it was 25 points, which is what happened. But...Carr came back in, and this guy is amazing.  Well, here's our fabulous  Doormat Champ stomping all the way to the #1 seed in the AFC today.  GOOD GRIEF.  








aaaaaand THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!


Friday, November 25, 2016

Tryptophan Coma Bleeds into NFL Week 12

Hey, you forgot to turn on the oven!
Well, Turkey Day this year yielded no turkey games. Lions, Vikings, Redskins, Cowboys, Steelers, all gave us a great reason to stay on the couch with a scotch and a beer. Now the Colts, that's another thing. I got up to clean the garage every time they had the ball. I heard the entire state of Indiana switched channels to watching dog shows by halftime.

I have to say, it was kinda weird watching a team called the Redskins playing a team called the Cowboys on Thanksgiving Day. Makes me think of an old Stan Freberg record. "What do you mean you cooked the Turkey? It was supposed to be eagle! Everybody's ready to eat, even started on their little nut cups already. And who invited the Indians?" If you don't know what I am talking about, look up and listen to Stan Freberg Presents the United States of America. Considering recent events, it just might make your day. OK, got sidetracked, sorry. Back to football.

But first our Thanksgiving dinner. Someone (maybe me) forgot to turn on the oven (see photo above) so the turkey was a little underdone. Our neighbor had a solution. He fired up his industrial propane torch, speared the turkey on some rebar he had in the garage, and our bird was cooked in about 15 minutes. Just to finish it off and give it that Southern flavor, we filled a garbage can with cooking oil, lit it on fire, and tossed it in  for five minutes. Mmm, mmm, good. We were so excited about the turkey being done we forgot to put out the fire. Good thing my neighbor has insurance.

All right, all right, I will get to the predictions. This week it is especially interesting because it is time for our annual "Turkey Game of the Week" prediction. Of all the games being played, which one will be the worst? It does not necessarily have to be Doormat teams. For example, this Oracle is taking the Chiefs vs. Broncos (Ugh, another Thanksgiving game with Indians fighting Broncos (which Cowboys ride, pard'ner). Both of these teams, well, the Broncos anyway, have a shot at a Super Bowl appearance this year. Yet they both play the most boring football. Look for this game to be under 20 points.

And for the rest of the predictions, with all the turkey eaten, the Oracle spins an empty bottle of Cutty Sark and prognosticates:

Titans- 28
Bears- 12

Jaguars- 13
Bills- 17

Bengals- 21
Ravens- 24
(How the "F" are the Cravens 5-5?)

Cardinals- 10
Falcons- 42
(Sayonara, Cards)

NY Giants- 36
Browns- 12 (4 field goals, one with 30 seconds on the clock)

Rams- 10
Saints- 14
(This might be a turkey of a game, too)

49ers- 7
Dolphins- 17
(Wow, fins have won 5 in a row. Though I am picking them to win, this might be the perfect storm for 49ers to play a decent game and the fins to stumble and lose.)

Chargers- 21
Texans- 14
(Please, Chargers, win this game!)

Seahawks- 38
Buccaneers- 3
(Hawks soaring, look out Cowboys)

Panthers- 10
Raiders- 13
(I hope. Geez, this might be the weekend the Panthers decide to start playing great again.)

Patriots- 50
Jets-2
(Brady continues his 2016 F-U NFL Tour)

Packers- 24
Eagles- 17
(Pack will probably not win, but that's my pick. Hard to believe they are a Doormat qualifier right now.)

Gentlemen, make your predictions! (And don't forget your "Turkey of the Week" pick.)










Monday, November 21, 2016

WEEK 11 WRAP-UP AND BAR-BE-CUE

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11


AFC
Cleveland -    0-11
Jacksonville - 2-9
NY Jets -        3-7
Cincinnati -    3-6-1
San Diego -    4-6

NFC
San Francisco - 1-9
Chicago -          2-8
Los Angeles -   4-6
Carolina -         4-6
Green Bay        4-6

THE LEAGUE:

The Cleveland Blank Helmets are in stretch drive mode, now, with only 5 games to go and a winless season in sight.

The Brown-outs remaining 'games':

NY Giants   (tickets for $12 available now!)
Cincinnati  (dangerous!)
@ Buffalo
San Diego
@ Pittsburgh

The only game that looks like a teetering fright is the Bengals game on Dec. 11th.   Bungles, 3-6-1, are back in the thick of the Doormat squalor, and welcome back guys.  We never tore the Bungle stickers off the barcalounger.  We'd never do that.

Hot on their heels are the San Francisco 49ers (1-9), whose offense is playing with some focus, but execution is just spotty enough to derail themselves, and their mastery of the ill-timed penalty is a big help. They lead the league in 3rd down penalties.  The real secret to the 49ers, though, is the complete lack of half-time adjustments (the Whiners never score in the third quarter.  It's something like 6 points for the whole season), and the fact that the defense just runs out of gas in the mid-third quarter every game.

THE GAMES

BROWNS 9, STEELERS 24
Browns play 2 quarterbacks.  8 sacks. It's nice to share.  Cleveland iced the game with a fumble in the end zone for a Steeler touchdown.  Excellent.

FORTY-NINERS 17,  PATRIOTS 30
It rained so hard it masked how nobody sits in the $$$ seats even when the weather is nice. It also kept the Whiners in the game...until the 4th quarter when the wheels always come off for the D...because the offense does nothing for the entire 3rd quarter...because the coaching staff..it all adds up to 9 straight losses and 5 straight games of 400+ yards allowed.

BUNGLES 12, BILLS 16
Yes a record 12 missed Extra Points in the NFL yesterday, but here, HERE they Bungles missed TWO, and made it so their last gasp final drive couldn't be ended with a tying or winning field goal.  That is some serious thinking ahead by coach Marvin Lewis.  At 3-6-1, the Bungles are BACK.

BUCS 19, CHEIFS 17
The Chiefs finally scored a couple touchdowns, but nowadays that is not enough against the 5-5 Bucs who are, good god, threatening to exit the Basement for the season.  6-10, 2-14 (Doormat Champs), and 4-12 the last three seasons, the Bucs just maybe will be leaving us.  Woo-Hoo!!

PACKERS 23,  WASHINGTON 42
OK, the Packers are the real deal.  4-6-  still only 2 games out of first.  But, come ON.  Have you watched these guys lately?  They can't get out of their own way.  6-10 entirely possible.

STIFF OF THE WEEK
LAMBS 10,  DOLPHINS 14
18 punts. Nothing doing for 3 1/2 quarters.  Jared Goff starts at QB for Rams and does nothing. Not even an interception.  Snore. Dolphins looked like absolute kee-rap for 3 1/2 quarters yesterday, and then BOOM the Lamb defense ceased to exist, like an L.A. producer who really liked your work.  Let's do lunch REAL SOON (with other people).  Lambs, once 3-1, now 4-6.  Dolphins have won 5 straight and hope to bury bury bury the Niners at sea next week.

BEARS 16, GIANTS 22
Bears were ahead at one point.  Really.  Go look it up.  They beat the point spread (7.5).  That's all that matters...apparently.   Nov. 27th  BEARS host the FORTY-NINERS.  What a match-up.  It's for all the NFC marbles.  Don't screw it up and win a game next week, either or youse guys.

GAGUARS 19, LIONS 26
Gags were dangerously ahead for most of the game, but pulled it out in the 4th quarter with handy defensive collapse.  Jag QB Blake Bortles (belch that name 4 times after guzzling a Pabst 20 ouncer) chips in with brilliant second half start- throwing a pick-six.  Man, those half-time adjustments are the cornerstone of great losing football.

The JETS had the week off.  And just how off will they be next week?

aaaaAAANDThat's the View from the Basement!!!!!




Friday, November 18, 2016

Last Night and This Week's Odds

SAINTS THWART CONCERTED EFFORT BY PANTHERS

SAINTS 20, PANTHERS 23
The most formidable specter in the Doormat world is being faced with the possibly of making it to .500.  All season, teams look up from their battered, muddy, ill-fitting cleats and squint into the glare of mediocre respectability, and race back to the safety of the Basement. If you make it to .500 who knows what the fans might expect.  Bright light gives me a headache.

The Saints have joined the legions that have come before.  Coming dangerously close to going 5-5, the Saints smartly staked the Panthers to a 23-3 lead before entering the 4th quarter.  Defeat looked assured. On the other side of the pigskin, with a solid shot at going 4-7, the Pansies had to go ALL OUT in the 4th, which really was just to run out of gas like they often do.  The Saints piled up 17 straight points...but they managed to stop the bleeding when it mattered most- at the end of the game, and still nail down the loss.

Both teams are 4-6 and hovering on the patio...and the temperature is dropping.

THE WEEKEND

Note that I am not picking winners (except in a couple games)- I'm picking whether they beat the spread or not.  Place your bets.
Team in all caps at end of blurb covers spread.

Patriots (-13)  at Forty-Niners
Everyday this line balloons another point. Could be an epic beat-down. Or the Pats take the week off and win 31-13.  Tom Brady finally gets to play a game against his favorite team when he was a kid, idolizing Joe Montana.  Patriots cover the spread as 49er defensive backfield gets spun around 17 times and falls to turf.   PATRIOTS

Steelers (-8) at Browns
Somehow, through 10 straight losses, Browns coach Hue Jackson still comes up with creative ways to lose.  He's running out of options, but can always recycle. The Steelers are 4-5 and are STILL favored by 8 points.  Should be a WHALE of a game, if you know what I mean.   STEELERS.

Giants (-7 1/2) vs.  Chicago
The Bears should certainly lose this game, but I don't think Jay Cutler can do the 1-man wrecking ball act 2 weeks in a row without arousing some suspicion.  Bears cover the spread.  BEARS.

Chiefs  (-7 1/2) vs.  Tampa Bay
Chiefs win their games by an average of 10 points.  And the Chiefs are nothing if not average.  They also have 13 interceptions, the most in the NFL.  Double that point average.  Chiefs by 20.   CHIEFS.

Detroit (- 6 1/2 ) vs.  Jacksonville
Lions see an opening, like the cat-door to the great outdoors.  The NFC North is there for taking!
Jags will win this game, just because we're all expecting the Lions to win, and anybody in Detroit knows what that means.  JAGS

Dolphins (-1 1/2) at Rams
Lambie rookie Jared Goff gets thrown to the...sea mammals in this one.  Fins have won 4 straight, actually scraped past the .500 mark, and both teams are pretty solid Parity Division members.  Lambs are desperate.  Lambs lose.  DOLPHINS

NY Jets-  The Jests have the week off.  They're sleeping it off, in fact- snoring so loud you can't hear the slobbering begging at the sliding door to the Patio, with all those 4-6 wannabes out there.

Everybody else has to lose more games for me to even CARE

-Wacko











Monday, November 14, 2016

DOORMAT WEEK 10: BEACHING THE WHALE

Been a lot of demonstrators passing by the patio this week.  We've kept the grill going with our special 'grilled' coffee available to anyone who wandered over.  Hickory chips and coffee really ain't bad.

OK, we're at the Parity Peak now.  It can't get any more parity-itious than this.  And, at times like these, it takes special fortitude, nay near Herculean strength and determination to land that big damn fish/mammal onto the shore and call it a complete loss for another week.  All of our leaders- the Bears, the Browns, the Niners, the Jaguars and the Jets- Beached the Whale this week, and every one was unique.

Butt first, the standings:


DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10

AFC
Cleveland -    0-10
Jacksonville - 2-7
NY Jets -       3-7
San Diego -   4-6
Cincinnati -   3-4-1
Indianapolis -4-5


NFC
San Francisco - 1-8
Chicago - 2-7
Carolina - 3-6
Tampa Bay - 4-5
Los Angeles - 4-5
Green Bay     4-5

BROWNS 7, RAVENS 28
We already covered it, but the second half melt-down (2 INT, 1 lost fumble) was a thing of beauty.
0-10.  Worst Browns ever and that is really really really saying something.

BEARS 10, BUCS 36
Bears employed the 'offense in first half only' strategy, and, combined with an iron-clad plan to get the Bucs in the endzone first, beached the whale.  Bears QB Jay Cutler got the Bears going in reverse in the first quarter with a pick-six at his own 20,  followed that up with 4 sacks, 2 fumbles- one for a safety- another interception and...who needs to punt with this kind of attack? Why worry?

JETS 6, RAMS 9
SNORE.  ZZZZ.  Stiff of the WEEK. 15 punts, without a single exciting return. LORD. A hard fought battle to emerge as loser, but the Jets' lone touchdown included the blown PAT, so all they had to do was keep that rookie QB out there for the whole game (Fitz injured), accomplish nothing, bore the home crowd to death, and beach the whale. Rams tried valiantly- I mean, 9 points should lose the damn game, but no dice here, Lambies.  3 field goals wins it.

JAGS 21,  TEXANS 24
The Jags took control early with QB Blake Bortles nailing a 42-yard pick-six on the first possession. Finishing the game with a late drive that makes the score LOOK close, but still preserves the loss, is becoming a Gaguar trademark. Houston got only 16 first downs, but this didn't get them any cred.

49ERS 20, ARIZONA 23
Next to the Saints stunning blocked PAT run back for a 2 point conversion to hand Denver a victory, this game had the best 'beaching' of the weekend.  Normally a team that only tries in the first half, this time the Whiners were in a real battle.  Just say CARSON PALMER to any old Cincinnati Bengals fan, and they know what we mean.  Cardinal QB Palmer came loaded for losin' yesterday, with 2 killer interceptions and a lost fumble (with running back J.J. Nelson chipping one in for good measure) to keep the Whiners in a battle that they couldn't just outright lose.  With time running out, the Cardinals got the Whiners all the way down the field and spectated while Colin Kaepernick trotted in for the tying touchdown. But NEVER fear, sports fans. With less than two minutes on the clock, it was more than enough time for the worst 49er defense of all time to get the Cards ALL THE WAY down the field for a chip shot field goal -that no kicker can really get away with shanking- for the 8th straight loss, 8th straight game allowing 100-yard runner, and BEACHING THE WHALE on the shores of San Francisco Bay...leave it there...all week.

CHARGERS 24, DOLPHINS 31
Throwing a 60 yard pick-six for the game-losing touchdown, Chagrins QB Philip Rivers keeps the looming spectre of a 5-5 record at bay, and keeps the Charr-gers (4-6) out by the grill, serving coffee for at least one more week.  The team that finds more ways to blow a lead is back!  On the flipside, the Dolphins have now won 4 straight to improbably own a 5-4 record.  Go Flops!!

SAINTS 23, BRONCOS 25
Good god, it doesn't get any more embarrassing than that. Blocked extra point (for the win) at game's end turns into 100 yard runback for 2 points to nail down the loss. At home. Broncos never knew what hit them.  Still New Orleans at 4-5 doesn't get them in the basement or even on the patio, so- see what you can do next week, guys.  We'll think about it.

PACKERS 25, TITANS 47
Packers pull out all the stops and get shellacked by the Titanics.  Packers look legitimately bad.  Pretty impressive.  Titans beginning to forget how to make crucial mistakes and holy cow they blow out the Meatpackers.  Phew- put that blubber back in the freezer!!


aaaaaAAAAAaaaANd That's the View from the Basement!!!



Sunday, November 13, 2016

Perfect 10 in Week 10


Cleveland is a perfect 10! Every highlight reel of the Browns from this season will now have Ravel's Bolero as the soundtrack.

And speaking of Cleveland, sorry, Doormat Fans, that these predictions are a little late in coming. I was covering the Thursday Night Football fiasco in Cleveland when a massive demonstration broke out. Angry American League fans flooded the streets, smashing windows, burning cars, and causing other kinds of mayhem as a protest against the outcome of the World Series. As reported in The Onion, fans believed that because both teams scored the same amount of runs, it should be a tie. It should not matter how many games you win. The protests have ended, but Major League Baseball has agreed to review the outcome of the Series and consider calling it a tie, and then also consider "total runs scored in the year" as the determining factor in who wins a Division. Isn't that how the Canadians do it in hockey? Or at least points scored is a factor?

BTW, every protester received a participation award.

But for now, here are the predictions for week 10:

Green Bay- 21
Tennessee- 17
(Green Bay wins a game)

Chicago- 13
Tampa Bay- 17
(Stiff of the week)

Kansas City- 28
Carolina- 14

Los Angeles- 10
New York Jets- 12
(Game of the week!)

Denver- 17
New Orleans- 24

Houston- 36
Jacksonville- 31

Miami- 10
San Diego- 42

San Francisco- 21
Arizona- 24
(The other game of the week)

Cincinnati- 14
New York Giants- 24

Gentlemen, make your predictions!






Friday, November 11, 2016

Browns Humiliate Ravens in 21-point Rout

BROWN-OUTS  7,  RAVEN-POES 28

When you play the Browns, it's nerve wracking.  Will they implode in the first quarter?  The second? The entire second half?  Blow a 20 point lead or just blow it on the first couple possessions? You just never know when they are going to ambush you with an onslaught of appallingly bad football, be totally overwhelmed and never recover.

The Baltimore Ravens, a team that really tries to be mediocre but runs into trouble every time, hit a buzzsaw in the second half last night as the Browns, led by the shrewd coaching of Hugh Jackson, threw Doormat pro QB Josh McClown out there for the 2nd half, for reasons only too obvious to us here in the Basement.  The result was a blinding attack of 2 fumbles and 2 interceptions in 4 possessions that blew the game wide open and the Ravens had no answer- except scoring touchdowns and winning yet another game they thought for sure they had a reasonable chance to lose. WOW!!

The Blank Helmets are now 0-10, the best worst start in Browns history. With this kind of coaching (please god don't fire him) why wouldn't this team go 0-16 and win the Moldy Carpet for the first time in the storied history of Browns football?

But the Forty-Whiners are right behind them at 1-7 (soon to be 1-8), and they have to stay on point, or it could all be for naught.

-wacko