Monday, June 26, 2017

MLB DOORMAT DIVISION JUNE REPORT


DOORMAT DIVISION  MLB



NATIONAL
                       W - L     GB     L10
Phillies           24-50     20.5    3-7    (.324)
Giants            27 -51    24.5    1-9    (.346)       
Padres            31-45    19.5     2-8         
Reds               31-43      8        2-8   
Mets               34-41     11       4-6
Marlins          34-40     10.5   5-5   

How the Giants are not worse than the Phillies, I don't know.  But they looked terrible against the Fails when they dropped by the park in Philly a few weeks ago, so I'm confident the Pipsqueaks will prevail.

Also, Mets just swept the Giants, so that showed the Mets to just be posers.



dig the 'aroma' coming off that logo!


AMERICAN
                          W-L       GB      L10
White Sox        32-42     7.5       4-6     
Athletics          34-42     17.5     6-4
Kittens             33-42       7        2-8
Blue Jays         36-39       5        4-6
Orioles             37-38       4        5-5


It's hard to count the Oakland Apathetics in our standings, since they really are just a minor league phenom auditioning club, which then disperses all talent to other teams.  In fact, the rinky-dink stadium behavior (especially the drums/bells) places them solidly as a Major Minor League operation.

SOME CLARIFICATION
Now that more than a few of our favorite teams in Major League Baseball are imploding in fabulous Doormat fashion (please submit your NICKNAME suggestions now), it occurred to us to define a few points as to what constitutes a banner year in Doormat Division during the summer.  If you have some other yardsticks to lay down, call the dugout phone and let us know.

Here they are:

1.  Lose 100 games.  Still the great benchmark for any season of stunning futility and firings.
       Both the Phillies (the Fails?) and the Giants are well on their way to 100.

1B.  Post a winning percentage below .400.  This really should be a losing percentage over .600, but        we'll just go along with the 'winners' people for now.

2.  Finish the season 30 games out.  If you can can reach thirty games out by the All-Star Break, you are in rarified air...     The Giants are already 24.5 games out.  When's the All-Star Break?

3.  Post a staff ERA over 5.00  
         This might be asking a bit much.  4.50 might be more inclusive.  Giants at 4.82   A's  4.76

4.  Post a team batting average under  .250
         A's   .243 !!   Giants .241 and that's after the recent offensive explosion (during a 1-12 streak).

5.  Have three catchers, and have less than 10 home runs total for all three.
   
6.  Average under 20,000 fan attendance.  Marlins, anyone?   This figure is permanently skewed, thanks to reporting ticket sales and not actual attendance.  Some Marlins games, it looks like there are 8,000 people there...TOPS.

7.  Lower the beer prices.   When you realize that you are really running a minor league operation, adjust or die.

8.  Be at least 10 games out in June,  18 out in August and 22 out in September.   Unless you play in the AL Central, and then it's 7.

aaaaaND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!


Saturday, March 18, 2017

49ers Sign Interception Leader!


MATT BARKLEY, the man who threw more interceptions per attempt than any other QB last season, is safely in the fold with the 49ers, setting up a fascinating duel between him and Brian Hoyer for bragging rights to steering the most lost franchise in football to someplace even more glorious than just lost.

Please note that Barkley's sole great game was against these very Whiners last season, in a blizzard. They aren't gonna let THAT happen again.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Niners go Browns


If the regular season were to start today, Brian Hoyer would be the starting QB for the Santa Clara 49ers.  

I really don't have to write anything else.  



Saturday, January 7, 2017

LIONIZING the ATMOSPHERE


DETROIT: TWO PLAYOFFS VICTORIES SINCE 1957

1957 & 1991

1957:  NFL CHAMPIONSHIP vs. The BROWNS  (59-14)

1991: Divisional Playoff vs. Cowboys (38-6)




Here they come again, connoisseurs of the dark side.  The Detroit Lions, a team that just can never get enough for them and their fans, are in the playoffs.  Why, you ask?  Because sometimes you have to lose a playoff game to look like your string of No Playoff Victories has meaning.  Otherwise, you aren't really in the dance.  24 years of no victories, and 60 years back to the big one in '57.  The Bengals may have 26 years of no victories, but you can't top 2 victories in 60 years. With that kind of production, you don't even have to talk about not ever being in the Super Bowl. One needs to use a  broader perspective.

This time, though, things are going to be different.  That's because they've never played the Seahawks in the playoffs, so that will be a new team to grab the L against. Now, we can't remember the last team that lost their last 3 games and still made the playoffs. But that looks like sound preparation. You might think the Lions didn't really want to make the playoffs.  Tum-te-tum....

The Lions lost 7 games and 5 were against playoff teams.  They won 9, and none were against playoff teams.  Of course, that's how you GET in the playoffs, beating up those Doormats (hey! ow!), but...maybe the Seahawks are going to have a really bad day.  Lest you forget, the Hags' last three victories are against these titans:  Panthers, Rams and 49ers.  So, hey.  Lions have a shot.

Here, in the lowly glare of the harsh flourescent...flouressent...fluorescent...did I spell that right?  I did? I'm taking the day off.

Here in the lowly glare of the harsh fluorescent lights in the basement, we have a saying.  The whole city of Detroit knows it:  "There's still time to lose."  We have to wrap ourselves in this mantra, while sprinkling kitty litter over the ouija board of football:


come ON, Lions.  Get outta the Basement.  

GAMETIME:  5:30.  Seattle.  34º game time temp.  Cloudy.  I can't look.  We'll be tuning in.  





Friday, January 6, 2017

This Weekend's Playoff With a Doormat Aroma

PLAYOFF POSEURS



Every year, some team waltzes into the playoffs with a truly dubious resume.   In 2014, it was the Carolina Panthers, at 7-8-1, with a minus 35 point differential.  They won their Wild Card game against the Cardinals, even.  Reality set in the next week versus the Seahawks, no strangers to dubious playoff resumes.

In 2015 the Houston Texans (9-7) won their division because everybody else was battling for the Moldy Carpet.  The AFC South, without Houston,  had a combined point differential of -274. Wow. Oddly enough, the Texans got blanked, 30-0, by the Chiefs on Wild Card Weekend.

Here in 2016, the Texans are back, and though still stuck on 9-7 (3 years in a row), they have a solid Doormat credential of a -49 point differential. That AFC South is always working to give us the worst division winner money can overpay. The Titans will fix that next year. Adding to this already attractive mix, the Toxins will start free agent bust Brock Osweiler at QB, because Tom Savage got his bell rung and he is still hearing birdies chirping. Not good for the headset in the helmet.  "Coach, did you say R67 off tackle right, or American Woodlark?"

The Texans, ready to lose big, despite a real defense, have a major challenge in the Oakland Raiders, who will start, for the first time in NFL History (if you don't count the first 40 years), a rookie,for his first NFL start,  in a playoff game. Connor Cook, the Raider's 3rd string scout squad QB, gets the nod after fledgling Doormat All-Star back-up Matt McGloin got his shoulder stove in during last week's stumble-fest against the Bronkettes.  Cook looked cool-cucumber like last week, as he calmly turned the ball over twice.  Nerves of Doormat steel.

Yes, the Raiders have exited the Basement, and every single Basement member hopes Cook has some kind of miracle game and pulls off the victory.  But have you looked across the line at the Texan's defense lately?  Don't get your hopes up toooo high.

So, get your pizza box tables set up, cool some beer in your sub-zero weather, wiggle the antennae until the snow is only outside- and settle in for a game where nobody scores, except by accident.

Enjoy!!

-wacko






Monday, January 2, 2017

WEEK 17 REPORT: The Brown Crown of Renown

...and the Moldy Carpet 2016 goes to...


THE CLEVELAND BROWNS!!

1-15 


Though the Perfect Season Parade was cancelled due to victory last week (it's a real thing, it's on GoFundMe and it raised over $10,000) and the money was smartly donated to the Cleveland Food Bank, Browns fans can still celebrate the winning of the Moldy Carpet, as their beloved Brownies finish dead last in the NFL for the first time, EVER, in their storied history.
Here's the link to the Perfect Season Parade Fund, in case you doubt us (apologies for this link not being 'active' - you must cut and paste):
https://www.gofundme.com/browns-perfect-season-parade-fund?ssid=860390682&pos=1

We'll get to the incredible final game that the hometown fans got to endure, but first the standings

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17 
FINAL STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      1-15
Jacksonville -   3-13
NY Jets -          5-11
San Diego -      5-11

Cincinnati -       6-9-1
Bills                  7-9

NFC
San Francisco - 2-14
Chicago -           3-13
Los Angeles -     4-12
Carolina -           6-10

Philly-                7-9
New Orleans     7-9

All teams below the 10-loss line are not granted membership in the Basement for 2016-17.  7-9 you get to spend the winter on the patio by the grill. Philly and Cincinnati both had shots to make the 10 club yesterday, but failed.  The Panthers, however, nailed it. 

BROWNS 24, STEELERS 27 (OT)
(Cleveland) Do you have "grit"?  Cleveland has grit. Cleveland has so much grit, they've got brown and orange kidney stones. 

It was arduous, it was difficult.  But the Brown-outs are money. Playing against the most obscure Steelers money can buy, the Browns still pulled it off.  Despite racking up 27 first downs (first time since Dec. 13, 2015*), 437 total yards and getting punted at 8 times, they still did it.  

They did it by intercepting a pass, running it back the length of the field for an apparent pick-six, and then fumbled at the goal line for a Steeler's touchback. Wow! Pittsburgh responded by marching the length of the field and scoring. 

They did by driving right down to the 3 yard line in the closing minute, tied 21-21, needing only to run out the clock and kick the stupid field goal and win the game- but the Blanks fumbled the ball and the Steelers recovered. Incredible! 

They did it by kicking a field goal in overtime and then letting the Steelers just mow the grass with them, all the way down the field, and watching from a safe vantage point as the Steelers score the winning touchdown. Kablam!! That's right, instead of just safely losing the game early, with the fans slipping away quietly into the overcast afternoon, they kept them in their seats until the final, baleful horn sounded. Blank Helmet Football wraps it up with a cathedral-quiet mass shuffle to the parking lot. I can hear the gravel. 

Owner Jim Haslem is keeping this magnificent front office, GM and coach together for an encore next season, and why not?  He's doubling down! He's double-trouble in a bubble of flubble doubling down! Sprinkle some more grit on that bratwurst!!  Hey, they still need to have that Perfect Season Parade, because the fans deserve- the fans do not deserve this.

I can kind of understand Haslem's decision.  Perhaps the logic is: what the heck difference will it make? What else can happen? Brownie fans everywhere, we salute your bumbling team for the glory of the Moldy Carpet, and for the day you guys will somehow, someway, exit the Basement.  Now, take your Jim Brown jersey, make a hot cocoa, wrap yourself in the jersey, find your comfy chair, and just hum to yourself quietly. Pet the cat. Watch the rain patter on the window. And then, when you've had your cry, tune in the Cavaliers game tonight.  

*the Dec. 13 game was the Battle for the Basement in 2015, vs. the 49ers (4-8 vs the Browns 2-10). The Blanks won that game.  It is, in fact one of the 2 games they have won in the last 27.  

49ERS 23, SEAHAWKS 25
(Santa Clara) The 49ers win the NFC Doormat with a stellar 2-14 season, tying every other 'worst' season they've ever had.  QB Colin Kaepernick posted a 123.1 rating yesterday. The Whiners also went 2-11 on third down. So, he was great on 1st and 2nd down, but complete crapola on 3rd, a solid recipe for posting a loss. The Whiners fired everybody except the owner. Owner Jed York issued so many pink slips you could have made a tutu. So look for more 10 loss seasons until further notice. Because Jed.  Jed is a man with...with...a stadium.  Perhaps he can get the SF Ballet to move there.  They will sell guaranteed tutu 'licenses.' 

Chip Kelly, since he did not enter the league as an offensive coordinator, is done in the NFL. Getting dropped into head coaching with no subordinate roles and failing twice leaves one no options. Not a career NFL man.  But Southwestern East Texas Teacher's College is hiring, I hear.  I believe their nickname is the Knucklerappers.  

LAMBS 6, CARDINALS 44
(Los Angeles) Here we are, end of season. Lambs are just easily the worst team in the league.  How did they ever win those 3 games in a row back in September? I dunno! Must have been a clerical error. Yesterday they finished off the season, at home like the Browns and Whiners, and just mailed it in from so far away, it needed extra postage. 9 first downs. 123 total yards.  3 turnovers (5 total fumbles! just whoa), including a pick six as the cherry on top final glory moment of the season. The defense was- wait, I am being told there was no defense. Never mind. Rams finish a respectable Doormat 4-12.  Can they do to Jared Goff what they did to Sam Bradford (105 sacks in 3 years)?  Stay tuned.

BEARS 10, VIKINGS 38
Before we go all Bears on you, the Vikings (8-8) and the Colts (8-8) will play in the Parity Bowl at a neutral site and every single person will receive a ribbon for participating.

Can we get Bears QB Matt Barkley 9 more games? In a mere 7 contests, he connected on 14 interceptions. If he got a full season, that's 32 interceptions! It won't get him to George Blanda's all-time record of 42, but it's a start. Yesterday he racked up 2 more (plus a Fumble-Six) and avoided the end zone, so his 'balance' is 8 TDs vs. 14 interceptions. Go to the head of the class here in the Basement. The only game he didn't throw an INT was versus the Whiners in a driving snow storm. So, if the NFL expands to Anchorage, we know who to build our roster around.  And don't build a damn indoor stadium.  Be a man!  Oh, my cocoa has gone cold. 

By the way the the all-time single season interception leader (most interceptions by DB) is Night Train Lane, for the 1952 Los Angeles Rams.  A name worth keeping alive.

Bears finish up a very very competitive 3-13, nipping at the heels of the Whiners.  But the victory over the Whiners, in that very blizzard, did them in. Coach John Fox, a blazing 9-23 since taking over this developing Doormat regular, refuses to say if he'll have a job next year. I always wonder what this means- did he offer his resignation and was told to shut up? Win the Moldy Carpet, and we'll talk about firing, John.  

JAGS 20, COLTS 24
What a great finish to a season like this: lose the game with :09 left on the clock.  Jags (3-13) came back into the Basement with a vengeance. Never doubt this club. I don't care who they hire to steer this team. They have culture. 

CHARGERS 27, CHIEFS 37
(San Diego) Interception leader Philip "Why Are People In the Way?" Rivers racks up two more and finishes the season with 21, a curious homage to slingin' John Hadl (#21).  An acceptable 5-11, the Chagrins didn't tank- they just never got around to winning very often. Blowing more leads than anybody thought possible, except our commissioner who called it in the preseason, the Chargers fired coach Mike McCoy yesterday, and so won't have to pack so much stuff for the move to Los Angeles (Pasadena).  

PANTHERS 16, BUCS 17
(Tampa)Three teams had a shot at making 10 losses yesterday, and only the Panthers 
(6-10) achieved greatness and membership in the Basement for the winter. You know, despite the Super Bowl last year, we still have some faded Pansies wallpaper up, behind the TV.  We like the way that funny blue goes with the orange plaid and silver duct tape couch. See, they always come back, even if just on the Patio. They're our grill-masters.  

Who else but the Pansies could lose the final game to them Bucs (9-7!!), our proud Doormat members who graciously passed the torch yesterday in Tampa. Pansie QB Cam Newton was a blaze of interceptions (3) and pained looks (the champion). The crowning pain being the missed 2-point conversion, going for the win, at the end of regulation, instead of getting the tie and going into overtime.  Why wait when you can lose now, and hit the hot tub just that much sooner? 

Panthers experience biggest plummet of the year, from 15-1 and the Stuper Bowl to 6-10 and winterizing in the Basement.  {The Panthers have never had two winning seasons in a row. They began operations in 1993.} 

JETS 30, BILLS 10
(New York) Well, the Jets (5-11) still make the 10 Club, but it could have been so much more. But what are you going to do when it's New Year's Day and the visiting team was in NYC for New Year's?  You won't be losing this game, no matter how much bigger your hangover is than Joe Namath's ever was. Bills play like they left it all on the dance floor last night, and go pffft. Rex Ryan, freshly fired, can head for the golf links and...does his brother caddy? That has to be the best stocked golf bag on the links any time they show up.

AND NOW FOR OUR YEAR-END UPDATES:

THE TEN CLUB

CLEVELAND         1-15                         2 years in a row 10 losses
SAN FRANCISCO 2-14  (coach fired)
JACKSONVILLE    3-13  (coach fired)  5 straight years 10 losses
CHICAGO              3-13                        2 years in a row
LOS ANGELES     4-12   (coach fired)   2 years in a row 
SAN DIEGO          5-11    (coach fired)
NY JETS               5-11                         2 years in a row
CAROLINA            6-10    (coach fired)


. LONGEST PLAYOFF DROUGHT

1. BUFFALO BILLS  - 17  seasons and climbing
2. CLEVELAND BROWNS- 14
3.  ST. LOUIS RAMS- 12
4.  JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS- 9
5. TAMPA BAY BUCS- 9
6. TENNESSEE TITANS- 8
7.  NEW YORK JETS- 6  
8. CHICAGO BEARS- 6

17 seasons is a really long time.  However 26 seasons without a playoff victory is even more painful.

2. LONGEST PLAYOFF VICTORY DROUGHT

1.  CINCINNATI BENGALS-  26 
2.  DETROIT LIONS -  25 (pending playoff outcome) 1 victory since 1957.
3.  BUFFALO BILLS-  21 
4.  CLEVELAND BROWNS- 19
5.  MIAMI DOLPHINS- 15   (pending playoff outcome)
6.  OAKLAND RAIDERS- 14 (pending playoff outcome, not looking good)
7.  TAMPA BAY BUCS-  15  
8.  TENNESSEE TITANS- 14

-->



aaaaAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

-wacko












Thursday, December 29, 2016

Week 17 Bucket Toss and NFL Predictions




Hey, how did it get to be 17 weeks to play 16 games? I hear games are taking longer with all the replays, reviews, challenges, and TV ad timeouts. Maybe that's why?

Anyway, we now approach the "Final Destination" weekend for NFL Doormats (Final Destination is the movie series where people nearly miss death but were really supposed to die so Fate stalks them and picks them off one by one for the rest of the movie) . So let's remember what it takes to actually earn a spot on the coveted Doormat Basement Couch--you gotta lose at least 10 regular season games.

Right now, San Diego, NYJ, Los Angeles, Chicago, Jacksonville, San Francisco, and Cleveland have all done an admirable job. But there are still three teams hanging around with 9 losses who could make it to the elite Doormat club and have the chance to eat stale potato chips and drink warm Hamm's beer on the nicotine stained Barcalounger: Carolina, Philadelphia, and Cincinnati. Sorry, Minnesota, at 7-8 you have managed a spectacular meltdown from 5-0, but even a loss to seal an under .500 season will not bring you in from the patio. But we will let you drink a beer around the Hobart when we grill hot dogs on Super Sunday.

And here are the predictions for these Doormat hopefuls:

Cowboys- 38
Philadephia- 17
(Yes, Eagles get in!)

Ravens- 14
Bengals- 17
(Sorry, Bengals, Ravens let down on week 16 and hand you a win)

Panthers- 14
Buccaneers- 24
(Panthers go from Super Bowl to super awful in one season. Nice work and welcome back to the basement!)

And the next question is, will the Niners tie the Browns for worst at 2-14? Well, Niners play the Seahawks, so no problem them. Hawks 38, Niners 12 (2-14). Cleveland plays an angry Steelers team hell bent on making the Super Bowl this year. Sorry, Niners, Cleveland CAN'T win this game. Steelrs 27, Browns 10 (TD with one minute on the clock).

And the rest of the 10-loss crowd predictions are:

Jaguars- 10
Colts- 28

Bears- 9
Vikings- 12
(Sorry, Vikings, you don't even get the patio now).

Bills- 35
Jets- 10

Cardinals- 27
Rams- 3

Chiefs- 21
Chargers- 18

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Monday, December 26, 2016

WEEK 16 REPORT: BROWNS OFFICIAL NFL GAME WINNERS

BROWNS WIN?
49ERS WIN?
JAGS WIN??
YEAH, BUT THE JETS, BEARS, LAMBS AND CHARGERS HELD SERVE


(the Doormat Division does not claim ownage of this cheerful meme.  Just sharing)

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 16 STANDINGS

AFC
Cleveland -      1-14
Jacksonville -   3-12
NY Jets -          4-11
San Diego -      5-10

Cincinnati -       5-9-1
Bills                  7-8

NFC
San Francisco - 2-13
Chicago -           3-12
Los Angeles -     4-11
Carolina -           6-9
Philly-                6-9

Arizona               6-8-1

THE GAMES

CHARGERS 17, BROWNS 20
Browns Win!  Browns Win! What looked like a sure loss 5 weeks ago loomed as the biggest trap game of this epic season for the Brownies, and it proved to be their undoing in the noble quest for a winless season.  The Chagrins, on a 4 game skid that has all the elements of a franchise cleaner after the season comes to a final thud next week vs. the Chiefs, were impossible to lose to.  Top headline on Chargers' web page this morning:  Chargers to Pick Seventh in Draft.  Movin' on Up!!

I'm gonna be fair: the Browns played a decent game- they even blocked a field goal attempt- and the Chargers played like a team that wanted to get that coveted 10th loss against a real Doormat opponent.  If you can lose to the Browns, boy do you ever belong.

Not that the Browns didn't try: they couldn't get a clinching first down and handed the ball back to the Chargers with 1:46 to go and they did their best, getting the Chargers to the Browns 35 with :44 on the clock.  Chargers QB Philip "Why is Everybody Blowing It?" Rivers promptly spiked the ball to burn a play and then fumbled on the next (but the Browns let him recover it), pushing themselves back to the 38 (a 55 yard field goal).  The Browns responded with allowing an 11-yard pass- and a step out of bounds- to set up a 45-yard field goal attempt by Josh Lambo...which he craftily kicked wide right.

879 Frozen Fans went nuts!

Okay, so the Browns won't be 0-16.  But they can STILL win the Moldy Carpet- the Niners and Jags both won!- and become the first Browns team to ever be the Worst of the NFL.  So, huge game next week vs. Steelers, and my money is on one more glorious loss.

LAMBS 21,  NINERS 22
The Santa Clara 49ers have ONE game plan for ONE team, and it works like a charm.  Now 2-13, the Whines blew their chance to move into a tie with the Browns for the bottom of the NFL.  But whaddya gonna do when you have to play the only team that knows how to lose to you?  Good God, the Whines scored 2 touchdowns in the second half.  That is so rare that I've cleaned off the pizza box table in the Rumpus Room in the Basement more often than that happens.  Actually, we haven't' cleaned the table in so long I'm not sure there's a table there.

The Whiners pulled to 21-20 with the game clock on its last gasp, and you knew- you KNEW- the Lambs had it wired to get Kaepernick across the goal-line for the 2-point conversion.  Game over.

We are impressed that the Firing of Jeff Fisher has had no effect on the Lambs.  They have kept focus through all the distractions.
Lambs are worse than the Niners, and don't you forget it.  Ownage!!

TITANS 17, JAGS 38
Just when you thought the Jags could lose anywhere, anytime, they...WIN.  Scoring early and scoring late, the Jags played inspired ball one week after their popular (with the players) coach got fired. They nailed down their first win at Ever Banking-on-the-Loss Field in more than a year.  No more tears of teal!

Jags QB Blake Bortles played error-free ball, and even caught a TD pass.  Titans QB Marcus Mariota injured his ankle and was replaced by....wait for it.....Doormat All-Star Matt Cassel.  Matt came through for the team, throwing a Bortles-worthy Pick-Six to seal the loss- a 14 point swing in two plays (right after Bortles TD catch).   Pow! Blam!

JETS 3, PATRIOTS 41
At least somebody around here knows how to get things done.  The Jets ran their one-man wrecking crew- Ryan Fitzpatrick- out there after Bryce Petty went down trying to tackle a fumble return and, though he didn't get a Pick-Six or Fumble-Six, Fitz still whipped a couple INTs, got no TDs, went  0-2 in the red zone (yes they actually got there) and went 1-11 on third down. Petty chipped in an INT in only 3 passes before getting injured, so wow.  The Gang Green defense, once again, looked like they had gangrene.  Odd how that is.

BEARS 21,  WASHINGTON 41
Bears QB Matt Barkley- if only he'd been the starting QB from the beginning.  Slingin' Matt rang up 5 - FIVE- interceptions yesterday.  How none of them are for a pick-six, I have no idea.  The Bears only had to punt once, Barkley was doing such a stellar job.  Bears 3-12 and breathing down the 49ers necks for NFC lead.

THE TEN CLUB:  The Bengals, the Eagles and the Panthers can all finish the season with 10 losses next week.  Keep your fingers crossed!!


aaaaAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!








Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Sixteen Going on Seventeen: Birds, Beasts, and Brownies Prepare for Siberian Splashdowns


What is a Siberian Splashdown? That's a rocket that reenters earth and the chute doesn't deploy and instead of water you hit a 20 foot slab of ice at 147.8 miles per hour. Lots of friction on the reentry, so the ship is pretty hot and the ice melts almost fast enough for it to be a "splash" but not quite.

Anyway, that is how about half the NFL will end the season in these final two weeks.

Cleveland has another chance to clinch, 49ers will definitely not win any more games so they are still in the hunt for worst record of 2016, and several middle of the pack teams such as Tampa Bay and Washington are poised for epic "splashdowns."

And so, the frozen turkey spins while the elves sing in Santa's workshop, and here are Christmas predictions in NFL Week 17!

Go!

ALERT, THESE ARE SATURDAY GAMES. GET THE BEER IN THE FRIDGE BY FRIDAY

New York- 38
Philadelphia- 10
SPALSH!

Dolphins- 17
Bills- 16
(This will be a great game and could go either way)
No matter who loses this one: SPLASH!

Jets- 3
Patriots- 100
SPLAAAAAAAASH!

Titans- 21
Jaguars- 17
No splash here, Jags have been in the slush for over a month.

Vikings- 9
Packers-125
SPLASH!

Chargers- 28
Browns- 3
Clinch! Pop the champagne on the Cuyahoga baby!

Redskins- 17
Bears- 21
SPLASH!

Falcons- 76
Panthers- 21
SPLASH!

Colts (what, how did they get to 7-7, well it ends here) 28
Raiders- 31
SPLASH!

Buccaneers- 17
Saints- 33
SPLASH!

Cardinals- 10
Seahawks- 42
SPLASH!

49ers- 10
Rams- 12

Bengals- 10
Texans- 21
SPLASH!

And though these are not Doormat games, Sunday and Monday will be some great football:

Ravens- 28
Steelers- 30

Broncos- 14
Chiefs- 10
(SPLASH!)

Lions- 13
Cowboys- 34
SPLASH!

And there you have it!

Gentlemen, make your predictions!


Losing Bigger Than You Can

YER FIRED

Go away.

Jeff Fisher may have been denied becoming the losing-est coach of All Time (Time, Space, Velocity, Mass, the whole thing) when the Rams fired him a week ago, but Jacksonville coach Gus Bradley got his name in the record books before getting canned: the 'best' losing percentage of any coach who has been at the helm for at least 60 games in the NFL.  

14-48

.225

That's not chopped liver.  Chopped liver is like kidney pie, except needs salt.

Gus Bradley

g'bye, Gus.  We hardly knew ye, which is..I never heard of this guy.

It is reported that the Jags may bring back original Jacksonville coach Tom "Sure we sucked, but at least we're not the Jets" Coughlin, who compiled a 68-60 record with the Jags from 1995-2002. 


Lookin' spry, Tom.


This, of course, reminds us of the saga of the Chicago Cardinals of the 1940's who brought back handsome Jimmy Conzelman 

 in 1946 and won the championship just a year later in 1947, defeating the Philadelphia Eagles 28-21.  Conzelman had gone a wonderfully Basement-worthy 8-22-4 previously, and had gotten canned in '42 while finishing the year with 6 straight losses. 

How could someone who had been pretty bad get re-hired?  Because the legendary Phil Handler took over for 1943-44-45, posted a 1-29 record and, most importantly, was at the helm for 23 losses of the all-time record 29-game losing streak (as Conzelman had helpfully loaded up the first 6).  Suddenly, Conzelman looked pretty good. 

There's Phil- no. 20, there, ready to block for halfback Conzelman.  



It should be noted that, once the Cardinals finally won a game, 16-7 over the Bears, they followed that up by getting trounced 28-0 by the Lions the next week, and capped the season off with 6 more big L's.  

SO, there's precedent, here, and we think that if they can just find Conzelman (how much older than Coughlin could he be?) or any of his descendants, they should definitely make the hire.


-wacko

addendum: Of course, the big factor in those losing seasons for the Cardinals is just about every single player from the 1941 team joined the armed forces to fight in WWII. On the other hand, same was true for all the other teams, but the Cards must have really just had a bunch of 4F's off the local bus that happened to be driving by the stadium. The war ended in '45, and the men (and women) returned to civilian life, and the Cards returned to their more true football roster by '46.