Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Doormat Drives Hit Walls in NFL Week 7 Predictions



In the 2017 NFL Season 35 percent of drives result in a score and 11 percent result in a turnover. That's the average. For a little perspective, Kansas City scores on 49 percent of its drives and turns the ball over 1.6 percent of the time. Cleveland scores 19 percent of drives and turns the ball over 22.5 percent of the time. Yes, 1 in 5 drives is a pick or a fumble TO. Imagine the excitement at home games, knowing that your team will definitely do something drastically wrong about every 20 plays from scrimmage (Cleveland averages 5 plays per drive and 11 drives per game, yes, 5 plays per drive).

And here are our doormat drive  TO leaders:

Team  / Drive TO%
CLE     22.5
CHI     18.6
CIN     16.7
BAL    16.4
CAR    14.8

Note CAR. It's stats like these that reveal the teams that may be over .500, but not looking so good for a deep drive into the playoffs.

And speaking of drives, I used to have this recurring dream. I am screaming down a hilly two-lane road in my El Camino, foot right to the floor. Suddenly, a brick wall pops up in the middle of the road and I slam right into it. I go through the windshield and just as my head hits the bricks, I wake up.

Well, that is what it is going to be like for some teams this week...

And now the predictions:

Chiefs- 36
Raiders- 17
(KC has a 3 point spread in Vegas, but the Oracle knows better. Raiders are putting it in reverse and stomping on the gas.)

Buccaneers- 17
Buffalo- 21
(Wah, my Bills are winning)

Panthers- 21
Bears- 24
(Chicago stuns suspect Panthers. Panthers hit the wall.)

Titans- 24
Browns- 15
(5 field goals for Browns. This one is actually a hard call. Cleveland might get a win in this one, but the flying turkey said no.)

Jaguars- 17
Colts- 14
(Indy fans are still dreaming about a run for the AFC South. Dream turns nightmare against Jacksonville wall.)

Cardinals- 28
Rams- 33
(The Cards are really 3-3? Reality sets in this week. Rams are the wall.)

Jets- 17
Dolphins- 10
(Wow, both of these teams are at or over .500. How is that possible? One of them has to hit the wall this week, and that one is the Fins. They have only made 54 drives this season, and only averaged 1.04 points per drive--lowest in the NFL. That stat is going to haunt them all season.)

Cowboys- 20
49ers- 19
(Whiners lose another close game. Cowboys get to .500, but only for one week.)

Bengals- 10
Steelers- 28
(Steelers suck this year. But, hey, they are playing the Bengals.)

Broncos- 10
Chargers- 9

Seahawks- 24
Giants- 10

And the Oracle has spoken!





NFL WEEK 6 WORST STATS

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK SIX WORST STATS

Now that the Packers have lost their quarterback because of stupid, they are instantly Doormat material.  Instantly.  They immediately stepped up and scored the fewest points for the week (along with the Broncos).  Here's the numbers for Week Six.

Biggest Flame Out of the Week honors goes to the Detroit Lions, managing to give up 52 points while holding the Saints to only 186 passing yards.  QB Matt Stafford was a one man wrecking crew (though please give his porous offensive line some love): 5 turnovers, 3 INT,  2 fumbles, two pick-sixes, a fumble-six, and he was sacked 5 times for 31 yards. Yet, they were within a touchdown in the 4th quarter before Stafford threw the final pick-six to seal the deal. 5 total touchdowns were scored by special teams and defense. The Saints got the Lions back in it by going 2-12 on 3rd down and allowing 9-18 3rd down conversions by the Lions. What a game!

Punt-A-Rama:   15   Rams-Jags

OFFENSE:
Points:   10             Packers, Broncos
First Downs: 12      Chiefs, Giants, Rams
Total Yards:  247     Browns  (this is the worst we can do?)
Rushing Yds:  28    Chiefs
Passing:  111          Bears  (Browns 113)
QB Rating:  38.1    Hogan,  Browns (nicely rotating this honor with his teammate)
3rd Down Conv:  3-18 Ravens,  2-12 Saints
4th Down Conv:  1-3,  Panthers  (0-1 Vikes and Cards)
Red Zone Conv:  0-2,  Ravens, Chiefs (1-4, Broncos, Colts)
Turnovers:  5          Lions
INT:   3                    Lions, Packers, Browns
Fumbles/lost:  4/2   Bears  (Lions 3/2)
Sacked:  5/31          Lions
Fumble six given: 1   Lions, Cardinals
Pick-six given: 2        Lions 


DEFENSE:
Points:  52                Lions (not really fair, 21 of those were given up by the offense!)
Total Yards: 439       Chiefs
Pass yards: 346       Cards
Rush Yards: 194      Chiefs
No Sacks:   0            Packers, Jets, Lions 
Penalties for first downs:  4  Eagles, Jets
3rd Down Conv. allowed:  9-18   Saints

Punts: 8                     Jags
Penalties:  13/118       Saints
Time of Poss:  23:08   49ers  (still no one under the 20:00 mark yet this season)


aaAAAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!




Monday, October 16, 2017

WEEK SIX WRAP-UP and PARITY PARTY

PARITY IS A...SIX LETTER WORD
BROWNS AND NINERS BURN THE BACON PROPERLY,
EVERYBODY ELSE NEEDS TO DECIDE

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK SIX

NFC
                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF
SANTA CLARA         0-6            113      146   -33
NY GIANTS               1-5            105     132    -27
CHICAGO                 2-4            105      148    -43
ARIZONA                  3-3            119      158   -39
DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7

AFC
                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF
CLEVELAND            0-6           94       157    -63
INDIANAPOLIS         2-4          119      195   -76
OAKLAND                2-4           124     126     -2
LA CHARGERS        2-4           116     131    -15
CINCINNATI              2-3           84       83       +1


BROWNS LOOK UNSTOPPABLE

BROWNS 17, TEXANS 33

The Clowns did it all yesterday-  piles of penalties, dropped passes, 3 interceptions, flailing defense, and a sequence of possessions that goes into the Doormat Hall of Fame. 

Here's the sequence:  1st quarter-  Punt, Punt (both 3 and outs), then arduous 10 play drive that pays off with Kevin Hogan interception returned 82 yards for Texan TD.  Following up five plays later, Hogan whips another interception!  Then, Punt, Punt (both 3 and out) and then 5 play INTERCEPTION drive!  Then after the half,  PUNT (3 and out, thank you), SAFETY (variety is the spice of life),  Punt (5 plays...why?), PUNT, PUNT...and....FUTILE TOUCHDOWN with 01:49 left on the clock.  Scoring your only offensive touchdown with less than 2 minutes to go in the game is a must, if you want to compete in this league.

Wait, that's the whole game. I missed a field goal in there, somewhere.  But there are things to learn here-  Any drive going over 3 plays should then be terminated with an interception. Can you just feel the suspense for Brown fans when Blank Helmet Football creeps past the 4th play on any drive?

SO, WHAT NOW, CLEVELAND?

The Blanks have had 3 winning seasons since 1988.  Three.  Remember, they left town, and, insanely, a NEW Browns team was created, molded from the mud at the Mistake By the Lake, no doubt.  In an effort to help, the Doormat Division held an official conference yesterday with the Commissioner of our august organization conducting the proceedings.  We even kicked the 'possum out onto the patio, we were so serious.

OUR OFFICIAL RECOMMENDATION (should you want to win a game):

Fire your GM. Twice. Then fire (1-21) Hue Jackson, once he gets back from swimming in Lake Erie. Now. He doesn't even get to change out of his wet suit. Then hire someone to run a read-option offense (Chip Kelly is so available he isn't even wearing Oregon colors...whatever those might be).  Sign Colin Kaepernick, and start a fire under everybody's butts. Compared to what's going on now, these are GOOD IDEAS.  That says something, all right.

Then SELL the team to a new owner, preferably a consortium of rock stars and hip-hop artists (Duffy, Puff Daddy, Jay Z, Sammy Hagar, Alice Cooper...u-pick), partner with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, have a roster of performers for the National Anthem that just blows your mind, and change this:

The name of the team.  That's right- screw it. Can we stop kidding ourselves that there is a thing called a Brown? Go for the Rockers, put a clenched fist on the helmet...or just design the helmet to look like a rock. Please, GOD, put something on the helmet.  Commit to something.  Anything.  Paul Brown's HAT.  Cleveland Rockers.

Uniform:  minimize the orange, wear white pants, DARK DARK brown jerseys. STOP trying to lighten the brown. Whoa that light brown and bright orange is embarrassing for a Division 3 school- and at least they'd have something on their helmet.  


But, who are we to question excellence in ineptitude?  

Browns were 0-6 this time last year, and they're 0-6 now. The Pumpkin Heads have every chance at going 0-16, and all that money raised last year for the Perfect Season Parade- they should have just put it into a savings account, and waited.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

49ers 24, WASHINGTON 26
0-6 and leading the league in penalties and dropped passes, and second in missed tackles, the Whiners lose again by the second closest of margins, staging yet another Futile Comeback. Hands of stone, brains of oatmeal, and reaction times of a three-toed sloth, the Forty-Whiners stand atop the NFC standings, in the clear air, sailing free of the clutter of focus, discipline, and execution...though that might be a word with different meaning down south in Santa Clara this morning.  Backup rookie QB C.J. Beathard made his debut for the 49ers yesterday, and he's trouble. They may win a game with him around.  He, at least, looks like a QB from the 70's- nice 'stache.  

GIANTS 23, BRONCOS 10
Okay!  The Giants won a game! Celebrate Giants fans!  Who knows when these times will come again. Except 3 weeks from now in Santa Clara where the Whiners are gonna hand you victory #2.

JAGUARS 17, RAMS 27
We may have Bro-Cha-Cho'd the Jags, but they still can't win two in a row, so hold the confetti. The RAMS, however, are not the Lambs anymore. Just get to 8 victories, you bums, and you'll be in the promised land of Parity Parity Parity!  The thrill of being average!

CARDINALS 38, BUCS 33
Staked to a huge lead, 31-6, the Cruds pulled out all the stops and nearly lost the game, which would have been an all-time kablooey, but it was not to be. 3-3 and just mediocre.
Bucs fall to 2-3, and hey!  We know these guys!  

RAVENS 24, BEARS 27
daBares got a pick-six, and punt return for a TD, and running back Tarick Cohen threw a TD pass off a pitch-out. They need all the help they can get...and they're getting it. The Ravens just flat-out outplayed the Bears.  Ravens could lose 10.

DOLPHINS 20, FALCONS 17
Coming into this game, the Dolphins had scored 3 touchdowns. With yesterday's explosion of two TD's, this should cause complete exhaustion going into next week's gritty battle with the Jets. The Fins are averaging 12 points a game, yet have 3 wins. The Jets and Fins should be Doormats, but at 3-3 and 3-2, I shouldn't even be writing about these guys. So confusing.

RRRRAIDERS 16, CHARGERS 17
The Raydurz, oh my, are BACK.  2-4, and starting to look like one of those Jack Del Rio Jaguar teams where just about everybody knows what play they are going to call. The Chargers may lead the league in missed tackles, but the Raiders fixed that problem,by A, not blocking, and B, out-bumbling the Chagrins, and not covering running backs on pass plays. Look, you can't do everything. Pick your battles. 

Charred QB Philip Rivers avoids playing catch with the wrong team, which is easy to do against a team that does NOT have an interception yet this season, and they win their second in a row.  Sure it was the Giants and Raiders.  But if you can't to lose to these guys, you aren't winning the Moldy Carpet.  Raiders get to turn around and play the CHIEFS this Thursday night. Look Out.  2-5 looms. 


Lots of Parity Division going on, makes for an exciting schedule, and by week 8, we should have the crumble factor in full swing.

Monday Results

COLTS 22, TITANS 36
Colts build mirage lead, finally cave because they lead the league in points given up!  195 big ones, baby, and next week they will clear 200 no problem.  The Colts also have a point differential of -76, with only the Browns (-63) anywhere close to them.  

Huge implications in this one.  We have a big fat 2-4 logjam for 2nd place in the AFC  


aaaAAAAAAND TTHAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!



Friday, October 13, 2017

Turkeys Bang Bleachers for NFL Week Six Predictions


This week I am sitting in an urgent care in chilly Madison, Wisconsin, thumbing away on my schmart fon and snuffling through a snot storm. This after a morning launching frozen turkeys off the Doormat Siege Engine from the 50 yard line of Ft. Randall Stadium (home of the Badgers) and base scores on which row the turkey lands in. It's part of the Doormat Siege Tour 2017. Not exactly scientific, but hey, I'm the oracle, it's magic, and it's fun. I got then entire freshman class to join me, and they brought a lot of great local beer. Unfortunately, drinking and launching turkeys don't always mix well. I managed to accidentally launch myself while loading a turkey. Made it to row 18. So here I am at Urgent Care.


But the Badgers back at the stadium finished the job and sent me the final results. And here are this week's predictions and spreads:


Dolphins- 10 (-10.5)

Falcons- 24


Bears- 10 (-2)

Ravens- 13

This will be a tough one for the Bears. Ravens are playing some serious doormat football. Bears will need at least two trick turnovers and a few key personal fouls or Ravens get the loss.


Browns- 5 (-16.5)

Texans- 24

Vegas is giving 18 on the spread but we think Browns can beat that.


Patriots- 17 (-2)

Jets- 23

Oddsmakers put Pats on top. But Jets are stoked, have some offense, can make big plays, Pats give up over 7 yards per play, a record, and Jets will surge out of the basement with a euphoric win over a hated rival before going 0-10 to close the season.


49ers- 12 (-11)

Redskins-28

Nothing to see here. Move along.


Chargers- 17

Raiders-10 (-1)

Game of the week. Vegas is actually picking Raydurz, but the turkeys bouncing off the bleachers ar Randall Stadium and we Doormat denizens know better. True to a doormat tilt, neither team scores from outside the Red Zone and three turnovers in the game will result in no points. Raydurz are baaaaack.


Giants- 10 (-15)

Broncos- 27

I am no longer surprised. Gnats are unstoppable.


Colts- 17

Titans- 17 

Oddsmakers have NO spread on this game. There will be a lot of something spread for this stiff of the week, but definitely not enough points for a loss. Last week I was driving through Illinois and picked up the Indy broadcast of the Colts' boring OT win over...somebody. It was a game nobody could win...or lose. Futility in OT is surreal.


Anyway, post game the Indy announcers were excitably discussing the fact that the Colts are still in the hunt for the division title. Boy, you are a doormat in a weak division when you are under .500 after five weeks, have not had a single game with a string of scoring drives, and you are still talking playoffs. It's what true doormat fans live for.


The Oracle has spoken! (And it is time for my x-ray.)


Wednesday, October 11, 2017

NFL WEEK FIVE WORST STATS

Time for the WEEK 5 WORST STATS, and the Quarter Report!  But first, the updated standings:

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK FIVE

NFC
                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

NY GIANTS               0-5            82       122    -40
SANTA CLARA         0-5            89       120    -31
CHICAGO                 1-4            78       124     -46
ARIZONA                  2-3            81       125    -44
DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7


AFC
                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-5           77      124     -47
LA CHARGERS        1-4           99      115     -16
INDIANAPOLIS         2-3           97     159      -62
TENNESSEE             2-3           110    142     -32
OAKLAND                 2-3           108    109      -1
MIASMA                    2-2           25       57      -32  


BEARS 17, VIKINGS 20
Too bad they didn't stop at halftime, with the score 3-2 Vikings.  But, you can't have everything.  daBares finally got a pass play over 30 yards...on a perfectly timed fake punt that went for a touchdown (38 yards). Punter Pat O'Donnell takes the honors. Bears best first down plays were penalties on the Viking defense ( Bears Rookie QB Mitch Trubinsky didn't have a terrible game, but he delivered the rookie blunder with 2 minutes to to, throwing the interception deep in his own territory with the score tied 17-17.  The Vikings, try as they might to lose to a Chicago team that is so banged up the Dr. Pepper vendor guy was playing linebacker by the end of the game, gave up the ghost and kicked the game winner from chip-shot range.  Excellent Doormat contest. 

NFL WEEK FIVE WORST STATS

Once again, the Fins win the Total Yards derby, but somehow won.

OFFENSE:
POINTS:   7               Cardinals
First Downs:  12         Dolphins
Total Yards:    178      Dolphins   (their opponent, the Titans, piled up 188)
Passing:  78               Dolphins 
Rushing:   28              Carolina
QB Rating:  37.8         Steelers (Ben Rothlisberger, just beating out Deshone Kizer's 38)
3rd Down Conv: 2-13  Titans
4th Down Conv: 0-1    Lions
Red Zone Conv: 0-4   Rams
Turnovers:  5               Steelers, Rams
INT:      5                      Steelers
Fumbles lost:  3           Rams
Sacked:   6                   Bills
Fumble Six given:   1   Titans
Pick-six given:    2        Steelers (Big Ben)

DEFENSE:
Total yards:   450         Texans
Pass yards:  336         Colts  (to the 49ers!)
Rush yards:   231        Steelers
No Sacks:  0                 NY Giants
Penalties for first down:   4   Vikings

Punts:       10          Titans (Brett Kern averages 54.9 per punt, and gets one for 71 yds)
Penalties:  11-100   Panthers 
Time of Poss:  21:43   Texans 


WORST LEAGUE LEADERS THROUGH WEEK 5

OFFENSE
Scoring:    10.3           Dolphins
First Downs:  60         Dolphins
Yards/G     231           Dolphins
Pass Yds/G  156.5    Dolphins
Rush Yds/G   51.8      Cardinals (wow, NOT the Giants)
QB Rating:   49.5        Kizer, Browns  (30 points ahead of all comers)
Interceptions:  9          Kizer,  Browns (even after Big Ben does 5 last Sunday)
Give/Takeaways   -9,  Bears
Lost Fumbles:   7        Rams
Team Interceptions:  11   Browns
Total Turnovers:  13     Browns
3rd down pct:    25      Dolphins
4th down:   0-5           Dolphins
Offensive Penalties:   49/385    49ers

DEFENSE:
Points Allowed:  31.8       Colts
Yards Allowed/G:  447.2  Patriots
Pass yds/G:      323         Patriots
Rush Yds/G:   161.2        Chargers
Penalties:  48/433           Cleveland
Interceptions:   0               Bears, Dolphins, Raiders
Sacks:  4                           Bucs

MISC:

Punts:  30             Sanchez,  Colts 
Total Penalties:   87/690     49ers
Lowest FG Pct:   42.9        Jets



aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!













Monday, October 9, 2017

WEEK FIVE WRAP-UP and PSYCHIATRIST'S COUCH


Sometimes, You Just Can't Win


(really, I mean, you can't)

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK FIVE

NFC
                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

NY GIANTS               0-5            82       122    -40
SANTA CLARA         0-5            89       120    -31
CHICAGO                 1-3            61       104    -43
ARIZONA                  2-3            81       125    -44
DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7


AFC
                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-5           77      124     -47
LA CHARGERS        1-4           99      115     -16
INDIANAPOLIS         2-3           97     159      -62
TENNESSEE             2-3           110    142     -32
CINCINNATI              2-3           84      83       +1
MIASMA                    2-2           25       57      -32  


GAME OF THE WEEK

49ers 23, COLTS 26 (OT)
Vice President Mike Pence walked out of this game before it started, on the flimsy excuse that he didn't like how the national anthem business went. Some people will do anything to not watch a Doormat Division contest. It makes the fleas in our orange plaid and duct tape couch angry.  It makes my dial-up modem grumble even louder, as it tries to hail a passing server, so our battered Commodore 64 can bring YOU the news. 

For nearly three DOA quarters, these two heavyweights waged a red zone drought, with their place kickers (Colts' Adam Vinatieri and 49ers' Robby Gould) talking trash and throwing kicking tees at each other.  But you can't keep a talent-challenged team up, and the 49ers responded with a reverse drive, punting on 4th and 25 from their 7. The 49er defense responded immediately, getting Red and Gold bleeding 49er alum, and current Colt, Frank Gore loose for a 33 yard pass reception and romp down the field, followed by a miraculous thing- a touchdown- in just 5 plays.  Game over?

The Colts D sure thought it was. Gassed from having to play from ahead the whole game, the Colts defense retires to the Gatorade table in the 4th quarter and 49ers stage the greatest tease for resigned fans everywhere, the Futile Comeback. The Whinos explode for 2 touchdowns and tie the game!  ...and then pull the big fade, and lose in OT, again, as Vinatieri boots the winner and hurls insults across the field at Gould. I hope you bark your shins on a coffee table!!

Improbably, the Colts are 2-3. They get another sinking ship, the Titanics, next week, so holy rolling football, they could scrape up to 3-3. The Whiners have now lost 4 games by 3 points or less, with two OTs in there. Could they have won those games?  OF COURSE NOT!! Coach Shanahan, who is really developing all the right expressions of frustrated wonder and awe at just how bad his team can be, including the increasingly feeble mumbled hectoring of referees, has some decisions to make. Should the Whiners keep it close again, or just go for getting totally blown out? They'll be in D.C. next week, so maybe the President will drop by to walk out on the anthem, too.  Just another poser who can't take the Doormat heat. My green screen CRT just got a little greener.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

TITANS 10, DOLPHINS 16
It's not the Dolphins fault they won this game.  Even keeping it to 78 measly passing yards on offense had no effect. I mean c'mon! The game blasted off with a 3-volley 'punt tennis', which was unacceptable pacing, so the Titanics countered with a fumble, which forced the Dolphins to kick a FG. The Sinking Boats brilliantly followed this up with a nullified Matt Cassel touchdown bomb (penalty), and then had Matt pull his patented fumble-six (which is usually getting hit hard while he is trying to pass, the guy really gets slammed sometimes), pushing the Dolphin lead to 10-0. The Fins countered with fumbles and interceptions, but the relentless punting by the Titans was just too much. Though the Flops got the Titans back to a tie, it was just a matter of time, and 19 punts, before Miami had to take the victory. The Floppers are 2-2 and one has to wonder what these guys have to do to lose a game.

ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS?

JAGUARS 30, STEELERS 9
They're only 3-2, and we have to wait until they hit 8 wins, but the Jags- a long-running Doormat All-Star- look like a good bet to ditch the basement. They've blown out their their opponents in their three victories, yet still lost to the Jets (London hangover game).  Are they REALLY exiting?  Tune in next week when Rams come to town.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

CLOWNS 14, JETS 17
The Cleveland fans have spoken.  They're The Clowns.  How do you rack up 441 yards, only punt twice, and still lose?  Miss 2 field goals, throw 2 interceptions, throw in a fumble, and go for it on 4th down- and fail. They did score 2 touchdowns once they gave in and put Kevin Hogan in at QB. Watch out for that. Hue Jackson's 1-20 run may be in jeopardy. But...naw.  

Absurdly, the Jets are now 3-2, and have won 3 straight.  They may not win another game, because they start playing real teams next week.  Party NOW, New York! 

GIANTS 22, CHARGERS 27
In the battle for no-victory supremacy, the Giants hold serve, and make it to 0-5. The Chagrins started off brilliantly, with QB Philip Rivers fumbling one out of the end zone for a quick safety, getting the game off to an excellent 2-0 start. But, for the first time since the Stone Age, the Chargers came back and won a game, and more insane, held on to win it. It took a sack-n-fumble by Eli Manning at his own 12 to set up the game winning TD pass by Rivers, to pull it off. The fumble happened just a couple plays after the Giants' Odell Beckham broke his ankle, and I think the Giants were reeling at that point. And, without Beckham, look for the Giants to take reeling to a new level.

CARDINALS 7, EAGLES 34
The Crudinals took care of this game in the first quarter, giving up 3 Carson Wentz touchdown passes in a wild flurry of ineptitude that must have taken all week to prepare for. 
Keeping your defense on the field for as long as possible is key, and the Cards offense was invisible in the first quarter, until it was 21-0. 

Cruds fading fast, and only a 49er game on the schedule (Nov. 5th) looms as a speed bump in their quest to lose every single game.

RAIDERS 17, RAVENS 30
They're baaaack.  They may not be the Silver and Blacked Out (which requires local TV blackouts due to vast amounts of unsold tickets), but they're coming for ya, Doormat Denizens. Raiders also got off to a quick start, digging a 14-0 hole (man, the fumble-six is becoming a hot commodity), and really, not looking back.  Derek Carr wanted to play, but no dice. If the RAVENS can score 30 points when they play the Raiders, it may not matter if The Snake is back there on offense.  On the Six Year Anniversary of Al Davis' Death (did they open the crypt?), the Raiders brought back a LOT of memories.

TONIGHTS DOORMAT TILT:

VIKINGS AT BEARS
The Bears may ruin their Doormat chances by playing rookie QB Mike Trubinsky, but I doubt it. The Vikings, toying with the idea of maybe losing seven or eight in a row themselves, hold the cards. Blitz, or just fall back in coverage and give the kid time to find a receiver? 
Vikings mascot Ragnarok is warming up to play QB, as the Yikes try to blow a gimme.


aaaAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!




Saturday, October 7, 2017

NFL Predictions Week 5 -- Chicago Steamed for Bears Slaughter


Fans here in Chicago are battered by the recent miraculous play of the Chicago Cubs--who accidentally won the World Series last year, bringin' a depressing end to one of the greatest runs in doormat history--and trips to the Laughing Goat Tavern, barrels of brats, gunfights, and kegs of beer have not been any help. These fans desperately needed a new team to look toward for perennial disappointment. It's the life blood of Chicago fans. Now da Bares have stepped into the breach and delivered big time. Blood on the field in Chi-town, slaughterhouse to the world.

"It was nearing the end of the baseball season and the Cubs were leading the Central Division with no sign of a face plant," one Chicago fan told me on a windy morning on Michigan Avenue. "You guys don't know what it's like around here, not losin'," he said, chewing on a mustard slathered hot dog. "Yer s'posed to be breakin' hearts in September, man. But da Bares brought our hopes back. In Chicago, we thrive on disappointment."

With doormat precision, the Bears fell right on their faces in weeks one and two, and then in true Chicago fashion, they stunned the NFL by beating the Steelers (despite bumbling a TD run with an accidental touchback). "It was beautiful," another fan said. "It was like, we can beat anybody if we can beat those guys. Maybe we're gonna go on a run. I was excited all week and then they got killed. It was beautiful. My beer never tasted so good."

And now, on the deck of a tall ship in Lake Michigan, the Oracle will load the catapult with frozen turkeys and spray them into Navy Pier. Where they land will determine the predictions. And they are:

Jets- 14
Browns- 17
This may be the best doormat matchup of the season.  Jet's have shown signs of disastrous improvement this season, but this week they will go down in flames in the Cuyahoga, which may be in flames as well.

49ers- 10
Colts- 13
Another doormat gold game. Santa Clara is on the road. Colts don't have a chance.

Titans- 10
Dolphins- 16
Mariotta is injured. Otherwise, this is another embarrassing blowout for the Fins. But this week they will win in spite of themselves.

Bills- 24
Bengals- 10
Bills are seriously under-delivering this year. Bengals are shockingly bad. Bills get another win and may be leaving the basement.

Chargers- 21
Giants- 14
For a team that some said might make the Super Bowl, Giants look like a Moldy Carpet winner. Chargers go into New Jersey and hand NY a nifty "L." LA Chargers fans--all 18 of them--miss work on Monday.

Vikings- 28
Bears- 10
Another solid loss by da Bares.

Ravens- 18
Raiders-9
Carr is injured, Raiders offensive line is banged up, and defense is looking weak. EJ Manuel in backup had sparks of excellence last week, but Ravens do have a real defense. Connor Cook might get a snap or two if Ravens get to Manuel. Either way, Ravens, who are underperforming this year, finally get a decisive win. Raydurz may be on the doormat couch in a few weeks. Get out the black and silver beer mugs and chip bowls.

Cardinals- 10
Eagles- 36
Cardinals should be better than this. But they aren't. That is a great formula for doormat fans. Just good enough to hope for a win, but never good enough to deliver. Like my newspaper delivery person.

And those are where the turkeys landed. Signing off from Chicago,

The Oracle from the Basement


Monday, October 2, 2017

NFL WORST STATS WEEK FOUR

How Low can they GO??

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 4, 2017

OFFENSE:
Points:   0                     Dolphins
First Downs:   9           Titans
Total Yards:   186         Dolphins
Passing:   109               Titans
Rushing:   15-24           Raiders
QB Rating:   45            Browns (Kizer)
QB Rating:   8.3           Titans (Cassel, just a half)
3rd Down conv: 2-12    Raiders; 1-8, Dolphins
4th Down conv: 0-2      Ravens
Red Zone conv: 0-4      Broncos  (0-3, 49ers)
Turnovers:   5               Titans
INT:   4                         Titans
Fumbles lost:   3           Vikings
Sacked: 6-55                 Lions
Fumble six given: 1      Falcons, Colts, Jets, 
Pick-six given:   1         Titans, Colts


DEFENSE:
Total Yards allowed:    477  Colts
Pass yards allowed:     342    Eagles
Rush yards allowed:    32- 256  Jags
No Sacks: 0                 Bucs

Punts:  8                      Jaguars
Penalties: 13/113         49ers (but wait for the Chiefs tonight, they love the yellow hanky)
Stupid Fake Punt:  1    Raiders
Time of Poss:   20:19   Titans (SO CLOSE to under 20:00)



aaaAAAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!!

WEEK FOUR WRAP-UP AND FIELD GOAL FIESTA!!




There may have been some wild games in the NFL yesterday, but in the Doormat Division, we have our contenders rounding into shape, with maybe a Dark Horse or two toying with membership aspirations.  Here are your Moldy Carpet Trophy contestants, ladies and gentlemen:

1.  Cleveland Browns
2.  Santa Clara 49ers
3.  Indianapolis Colts
4. Los Angeles Chargers
5. New York Giants
6. Chicago Bears

The Jets could still win the whole thing, but after two straight wins, we need some convincing.


DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK FOUR

NFC
                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

NY GIANTS              0-4             60       95    -35
SANTA CLARA         0-4            66       94    -28
CHICAGO                 1-3            61       104   -43
ARIZONA                  2-2            74       91     -17


AFC
                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-4           63      107    -44
LA CHARGERS        0-4           72       93     -21
CINCINNATI             1-3           64       67        -3
INDIANAPOLIS          1-3           71       136    -65
MIASMA                   1-2           25       57      -32   


GAME OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 7, BENGALS 31
The Battle of O-hi-O-fer turned out to be no contest. Whatever bumbling art the Bungles thought they had going on was exposed as mere pipe dreams by the Kings of Klutz, the Browns. Some day, some how, the Brown-outs will win a game, and even more outrageous, will have a quarterback to lead them out of the winless wilderness to the promised land of mediocrity. The Bengals, affronted by the Browns unwillingness to score, force the Blank Helmets into the end zone in the 4th quarter, though it took 8 plays from the 10 and two Bengal penalties to get the job done. Bengals still could lose 10. Browns could lose 16, but the Jets are coming to Lake Erie next week, and this looks like a trap.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

TITANS 14, TEXANS 57
OK, I think the Texans have a QB in Deshaun Watson right now.  And the Titans do not.  Injured again just before halftime, Marcus Mariota gives way to...Doormat All-Star Matt Cassel, somehow still employed in this league, though every fan who even has a casual knowledge of rosters knows the news when ol' Matt steps into the huddle.  Cassel delivered by matching Mariota's 2 INTs with two of his own, but also with his signature pick-six move thrown in, and the obligatory fumble. With Cassel in at QB for at least a few games, the Titans should rack up a string losses.  Titans give up 33 first downs and 455 yards. Wow. 

JAGS 20, JETS 23  (OT)
Jaglag! Swingin' London swung the swag out of the Jags, the Jets get two long TD runs as a result, and they kick the game winner with :28 seconds left in OT.  Jags ain't climbing out of the Basement until they win two in a row. But the Jets...they can't win three straight, can they?  Join the Jets in Cleveland next week, as the Browns perfect season is in peril.

49ERS 15,  CARDINALS 18 (OT)
Nine field goals.  NINE field goals.  Two nullified TDs (one for each team).  And nine field goals. The Whines and the Cruds put on an epic display of refusing to win yesterday, and it took 4 quarters and the entire overtime- including a first-drive FG by the Whines- for a 6-point play to rear its ugly head, and one of these teams to absorb a victory.  The Cardinals caved, and scored, just as time was running out. 27 drives, 13 punts and nine field goals. The Whiners travel to Indy next week- gonna be tough to come out of there with the L- but how can you doubt this team now?

DOLPHINS 0, SAINTS 20
The Floppers grab the brass ring of zero points this week, nailing down the shutout with 11 first downs, 186 total yards, 1-8 on 3rd down, 11 well-timed penalties and a retired QB as your QB. Well...Miami IS a retirement community, so it's fitting. However, next week's game in Miasma against the Titans will be tough to lose, with Doormat God Matt Cassel suiting up at QB for the Titanics.

RAIDERS 10, BRONCOS 16
Maybe the Raiders need some kind of new motivation. Coach Jack Del Rio, when coach of the Jaguars in 2003, introduced the mantra "Keep chopping wood", illustrating how the team would slowly chip away at being terrible and become a great team. Del Rio put an actual wooden stump and axe in the Jaguars' locker room as a symbol of his rallying cry.
A lot of members of the team started taking turns at the stump with the axe, and then punter Chris Hanson stepped up, missed everything, except his non-kicking foot, seriously injuring himself. Hanson missed the remainder of the 2003 season.  
Hey Jack, got a fresh idea?

COLTS 18, SEAHAWKS 45
If the Seahags had ANY aspirations towards coming back to the Basement, they got a serious reality check yesterday.  Though starting out with a promising 3-2 score at the end of the 1st quarter, and even leading 15-10 at halftime, the Clots held their post-game celebration at halftime and did the classic Doormat maneuver of completely folding for the 2nd half. The Seahawks were totally unprepared for the no-show. Colts show balanced attack, giving up a pick-six and a fumble-six.  Next Loss:  Colts host the 49ers.  Gonna need a lot of Pepto Dismal to get through that one. 

CHARGERS 24, EAGLES 26
It was close! The Chagrins piled up 400 yards of offense, Philip Rivers didn't throw an interception.  And they still lost.  This team is tough.  Next week they travel to New York and and take on the new darlings of the Basement, the Flailing Giants.  Somebody has to win.
GIANTS 23, BUCS 24
Snatching defeat from the swamp of victory yet again, the Giants are tearing through the Doormat Division as if there were no competition.  0-4 and headed to the big AFC-NFC showdown with the Chargers at Get A Life Stadium in Jersey next Sunday.

RAMS 35, COWBOYS 30
The Rams may be leaving the Basement, but they're still a little scared of scoring over 50 points, so they stacked up 7 field goals with 2 touchdowns to keep it close for the Cowboys.  
At some point, they'll just give up and just torch the opposition.

I'll be back with the WORST STATS for week 4.  Gotta feed the 'possum.  

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aaaAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!