Monday, December 10, 2018

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 14 WRAP-UP AND TRIAGE

A CHALLENGE TO FUTILITY

3-10?  3-10!??  With just 3 weeks to go in the run to the Moldy Carpet trophy, the worst our gridiron boobs can offer is a possible 3-13 record. The Raiders and the 49ers both won yesterday, right after the local rag, the SF Chronicle, chronicled how their combined 4-20 record had a shot at being the worst of all time in the Bay Area.  It still does at 6-20, but they have to lose all their remaining games. Should they both win again, horrors, the worst the Doormat Division can get is 4-12, which hasn't happened since 2003, when the Giants, the Cardinals and the Chargers all went 4-12.  Clearly, teams just aren't bad enough this season. Where's the tragedy, the pathos, the misery?

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 14

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Santa Clara    3-10       275    350        -75
Arizona         3-10        178    327        -149
Atlanta          4-9        316     367        -51
NY Giants      5-8         307     331       -24
Tampa Bay    5-8         332     383        -51
Detroit          5-8         271     319       -48


AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         3-10      244     388      -144
Jacksonville   4-9        212     273      -61
NY Jets          4-9        270     330      -60
Buffalo          4-9        201     320      -119
Cleveland      5-7-1     292     397      -90


FALCONS 20, PACKERS 34
The Failcons just keep on losing, 5 straight now, climbing into a solid 3rd place in the Doormat NFC with a complete game of non-competitiveness. Losing to the Packers takes some effort these days. You can't just waltz out there and get creamed. Falcons 5-game skid started with a loss to the Browns (28-16), the kind of loss that starts losing streaks- losing to what you think is the worst team in football. But guess what?  It's YOU.

Packers win first game under new coach.  Packers will now fire the head coach every week until they lose a game.  Then, they'll fire the GM.

BAGUARS 9, TITANS 30
Doormat Perfection: the Bags scored their first points on a safety (muffed punt by the Titans), took the ensuing punt-off and drove to the Titans 4-yard line, where they killed the motor, and left the pigskin on the 1 for the Titans.  On the next play, Titans RB Derrick Henry galloped 99 yards for a touchdown.

And we're done here.

GIANTS 40, REDSKINS 16
Break up the Giants!  Winners of two straight, the Giants, at 5-8 have a mathematical shot at the playoffs, however difficult that math may be.  The Skinnies, without Alex Smith, have Doormat Finish gleaming on their team bus.  Basement All-Star March Sanchez started at QB for Washbag, and guided the team to:  punt, punt, punt, pick-six, punt, punt, interception (resulted in TD in 3 plays), punt, punt, punt, somebody stop this.

QB Josh Johnson- remember him from Tampa Bay?- came in and ruined the shutout, bagging two TDs in the 4th quarter.  Redskinks (6-7), losers of 4 straight and a clear shot at 10 losses, have to contend with the plummeting Baguars next week.  Be there.

BILLS 23, JETS 27
The Bills and Jets split their season series, keeping a cordial relationship going out on the Basement patio, burning a weenie, dumpster diving in the alley, and sharing the last stale can of Busch Light. Not that the Jets didn't try to lose this one. After their halftime brainstorm (ow!) the Jets deftly fumbled the kickoff, planting the Bills firmly at the Jets 13 yard line. The Bills saw through that, and killed the 'momentum' and escaped with a FG, keeping the Jets within a TD (20-13). The Nyets countered with an interception, but the Bills refused to take the bait, and punted. The Jetskis couldn't stop the downhill effect, and scored a TD, but promptly got the Bills downfield, only to be thwarted when the Bills shanked a field goal attempt. 20-20.  One more Jets 3-and-out produced a grinder drive for the Bills and they got a 3-point boot hung on their necks. 23-20, Bills.  With the game clock dwindling down,the Jets then got guided masterfully down the field, with the golden play the 37-yard bomb by Jets QB Sam Darnold (darn old what?) to the Bills 4.  Bills burn a time out contesting the completion. It takes 4 tries, but the Bills get the Jets into the end zone ozone. Bills finish up with long bomb interception by Josh Allen.  Jet and Bills tied at 4-9 and still have a shot at winning the Moldy Carpet.

49ers 20, BRONCOS 14
I don't know...Broncos coach Vance Joseph just looks unhappy. Like he has no friends. He needs to work on his grouchy look. Just doesn't look 'coacherly'.

The Greg Kittle Show, brought to you buy a clueless defensive strategy and execution by the Bronco defense, came up 4 yards short of the all-time record for a TE receiving yards. ALL IN THE FIRST HALF. 49ers botch getting Kittle just one more 5 yard reception.

Broncos off-sides specialist Von Miller stacked up THREE of them yesterday. Not to worry, the 49ers tackles practiced for it all week, complete with the 'whoa there' effect after the refs blow the whistle.

For 3-10, the Whiners looked like a defensive brick wall yesterday. With top Bronco receiver Emmanuel Sanders sidelined, the Whinos played man-to-man tight D, bumping the young Bronco receivers at the line of scrimmage on every play. It worked and nobody gets fired this week.

RAIDERS 24, STEELERS 21
Holy Crap, the Raiders won a game. Pittsburgh QB Ben Rothlisberger had to leave the game with an owie, and that tilted the whole field.  Ben's pretty hefty. Great game that brought back some memories of the incredible rivalry these two teams have had over the years.

CARDINALS 3, LIONS 17
STIFF OF THE WEEK: If they'd just lost at least one game to the 49ers, the Cards would be a shoo-in for the Moldy Carpet trophy.  As it is, they still look promising. Tied at 3-10 now with the Whiners, the Cards brought home the misery yesterday with a meagre field goal and a pick-six that decided the whole thing. Lions got a TD chipped in in the 4th quarter to round out the 'scoring.' Lions at 5-8 and teetering on respectability. They go to Buffalo next week, so watch out. Cards should lose all three remaining games: Falcons (no gimme), Rams and Seahags.

BROWNS 26, PANTHERS 20
Pretty soon, we won't have to write about the Brownies anymore.  Winning yet again with some late heroics, the Blanks have thrown more footballs into the stands after a touchdown than any other team this season.  Guys, I know it's new to you, but it really is a regular part of football.

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

Sunday, December 9, 2018

NFL Week 14 Predictions: Mission Accomplished!



From one or two plays short of the Super Bowl to the Barcalounger here in the Doormat Cave, the Jacksonville Jaguars (Gaguars, Baguars) reversed a dangerous winning trend and accomplished one of the best turnarounds in Doormat history. The Pats deflated Jacksonville and no amount of huffing and puffing will get them back. Congratulations, and enjoy the stale potato chips on the couch!


With just four games to go, there is still a race to the bottom. In the AFC, Oakland (2-10), NYJ (3-9), and Jacksonville (4-9) all have a shot. Even Cleveland, at 4-7-1 has an outside chance. But hey, this Oracle is going with Oakland all the way for a final record of 3-13.


In the NFC, Doormat surprise Green Bay (they have been good for so long we don't even have a Doormat moniker for them) is 4-7-1, but the real race in this conference is NYG, Detroit and Atlanta at 4-8, Arizona at 3-9 and San Francisco looking good at an impressive NFL-leading 2-10. I am picking SF for the Doomat champ this year, but you never know, the competition is on their heels.

And now for this week's predictions. There are some great Doormat matchups this week:

Jets- 9
Bills- 21

Giants- 28
Redskins- 21

Panthers- 18
Browns- 21

Falcons- 33
Packers- 17
(Who woulda thunk this would be a Doormat game of the week?)

Broncos- 24
49ers- 12

Lions- 36
Cardinals- 14

Steelers- 42
Raiders- 28

The Oracle has spoken!

Monday, November 26, 2018

DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 12 WRAP-UP And BRAWL

DURING STREET FIGHT, FOOTBALL GAME BREAKS OUT




DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 12

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Santa Clara    2-9        239     293       -54
Arizona         2-9         155     293       -138
NY Giants      3-8         237     288       -51
Tampa Bay    4-7         294     338       -44
Detroit          4-7         238     286       -48
Atlanta          4-7        280     307        -27     
  
AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         2-9        187     327      -140
NY Jets          3-8        221     281      -60
Jacksonville   3-8        197     243      -46
Buffalo          4-7        161     272      -111
Cleveland      4-6-1     253     283      -30


JAGS 21, BILLS 24
Locked in a 14-14 third quarter scrum in what was purportedly a football game, the Jacksonville Gaguars pulled out all the stops yesterday when it mattered most. Just after scoring what appeared to be the go-ahed TD, the Jags needed something, anything, to stop this slide towards a victory against the team they played in the ugliest NFL playoff game of all time back in January. It's no small issue to determine who has faded with more force, and yesterday, they had to act.

It's literally a no-brainer to start a brawl when you appear to have scored a TD at the pylon. Brilliant assessment by Gags RB Justin Fournette, who raced all the way across the field to start trading punches with a person in full pads. Hey! You outta the game! 
Once the fake grass pellets settled, the beer was poured on a head or two, and round two finished up in the tunnel, the TD was nullified by replay.  Then the Gags went to work on Billls 1-yard line:

1st down:  Carlos Hyde for 1-yard loss.  
2nd down at Bills 7 : FALSE START.  
2nd down at Bills 7:  TD...nullified by holding.
2nd down at Bills 17:  Bortles scramble for 1 yard
3rd down at Bills 16:  Bortles sacked for 8-yard loss.
4th down at Bills 24:  Missed field goal sliced left by J. Lambo from 42.

Is that art or what?! Jacksonville has now lost 7 straight, rocket past the Bills in the Doormat standings and now just have to find the grit and guts to keep this trash can of chaos rolling for 5 more games, and hope the Raiders and Jets somehow win a game.  The Jags beat the Jets in week 4 (their last victory), so they can't settle for a tie with them.

TANKERS 17, RAVENS 34
Oakland is a major port on the west coast.  This team has earned the right to be called the TANKERS.  To be fair, the Tankers kept themselves in the game, deepening the suspense of when they'd do the dirty deed. All this despite getting plowed over to the tune of 242 yards rushing by the Raven-Poes, giving up a punt return for a TD and not turning ball ov- wait a minute.  When the chips were down, QB Derek Carr comes up with the fummmmmmble and the Ravens run it in for the final nail in the coffin with 2:20 left in the game. Could the Tankers be any worse?  Of course!  Tune in next week- they play the CHIEFS.

49ERS 9, BUCCANEERS 27
Now that Ryan Fitzpatrick is on the sidelines, the Bucs are unlikely to challenge for the Moldy Carpet. But the 49ers are right there. Starting the train wreck on Saturday with kicking knuckleheaded domestic violence boob Reuben Foster off the team, after he gave his girlfriend a concussion- in TAMPA at the team hotel- the 49ers got out on the field and showed all the evidence of a team that has no idea what the finkle to expect next.

The rest of the Whinos schedule looks like 5 straight losses to me, unless the San Andreas fault opens up and swallows Los Angeles, Santa Clara, and Seattle.

BROWNS 35, BENGALS 20
One game away from tying the all-time record for consecutive road losses (26, Detroit), the Bosses of Blank pulled into Cincinnati and pounded the Bengals in this week's Doormat Upset. Whoa that had to feel good. When was the last time the Browns beat the Bengals in Cincy? Your mom was still wearing army boots. Play of the day was tight end David Njoku catching a Baker Mayfield pass at the Bengal 10, trying to vault into the end zone from the 5 (way too far out),and then getting carried into the end zone by a scrum of Browns linemen. He didn't touch down until it was a touchdown. You really gotta love the Browns.
4-6-1 never looked so good. 

LIONS 16, BEARS 23
The city of Detroit can always count on a Turkey on the table and on their TV set every Thanksgiving. Whenever they wear the Blank Helmets, it's kinda..obvious.

The Bears vault to 8-3, and officially can't have a losing record, causing their official ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHO from The Basement with 5 games left on the schedule.
They were 5-11 last year, and 3-13 in 2016.  So, get off our patio.

JETS 13, PATRIOTS 27
Just
Endure 
The 
Suffering

GIANTS 22, EAGLES 25

It was a real nail-biter, but the Giants got back to losing,  Blowing a 19-3 lead and ending it by scraping an Eagle's FG over the cross-bar with :25 seconds left to kick the Eagles off our patio and tell them to stop pretending to be so damn bad. That was some serious Doormat pride. Watch and learn.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK
CARDINALS 10, CHARGERS 45
The Cards inched out to a 10-0 lead in the first quarter, and then- AVALANCHE!  The Chargers found 414 yards all to themselves, 30 first downs, and 178 yards rushing, along with oodles of time for Philip Rivers to throw the ol' pigskin around the yard, going 28 for 29 and setting the record for most consecutive completed passes- 25 to 'start' the game.
Cruds 2-9 and still on the 49ers heels.  Good luck, guys.  The competition is stiff.  In fact...check for a pulse, there.

HONORABLE CHEESE MENTION:
The Cheesemen from Green Bay keep trying, but the Falcons lost again yesterday, so the Packers yet again don't make our standings and must wait out on the patio.  They ARE two games under .500, so they are so, so very close.  Hang in there, Wisconsin, we hear you knockin'.

aaaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!

Wednesday, November 21, 2018

NFL Predictions Week XII: Which Turkeys are Done?




Every team has played at least ten games, and 9 of them have 3 or fewer wins. If any 3-7 team runs the table they could conceivably make the playoffs as a 9-7 wild card, but come on, are Cleveland, Buffalo, NYG, Tampa Bay, Jacksonville or NYJ going to win 6  in a row? On the other hand, any one of these teams could easily lose 6 in a row, which means they all have a shot at the Moldy Carpet. This year, it’s going to be exciting right to the end.


And speaking of the end, Oakland missed the chance to be done for the season with a last minute field goal against Arizona. They could have been 1-9 and almost a lock for the AFC basement. They have now won two games. Their dominance of the basement is in question.


Which brings up a question: Which turkey is closest to being “done” and poised to snag the Moldy Carpet? Fittingly, with Thanksgiving upon us, we turn to the Turkey Quotient for some clues to the future. Here are the current teams with negative TQs:

AFC
OAK: -12.3
MIA: -10.1
NYJ: -10.1
BUF: -7.1
JAC: -2.3
TEN: -1.1
(Wow, Brownies are in positive territory right now (+0.2))

NFC
ARI: -9.1
SAN: -6.6
DET: -5.1
NYG: -4.8
TAM: -2
PHI: -2
ATL: -0.5
(Don’t forget Alex Smith is out for the season, Washington could lose 6 in a row.)

Clearly, Oakland and the New York Jets are around 155 degrees and getting nice and brown on top. Time to bast them! A few more losses and the little red button should pop out. I predict the Raiders pop first. Miami has a strong negative TQ, but 5 wins. Not sure how that happened. They will tank, but with 5 Ws, it’s too late for them. As for the NFC, it looks like Arizona and San Francisco are the only two getting close to done. SF has to play Seattle twice, Rams once and the Bears before it’s all over. No way they win more than two more games. Arizona gets the Rams and Seahawks, but the rest of their schedule is a little soft. I give the 49ers the first red button pop up!

The rest of the Turkeys? Detroit, Buffalo, and the Giants all have a shot, but not likely. This Moldy Carpet is going to come down to a Turkey Shoot with Oakland or NYJ in the AFC and San Francisco or Arizona in the NFC.

But it’s Turkey week now, so here are the predictions:

Chicago- 28
Detroit-16

San Francisco- 14
Tampa Bay- 28

New England- 36
New York Jets- 12

New York Giants- 16
Philadelphia- 12
(The collapse will be total, but too late for the Moldy Carpet)

Oakland- 17
Baltimore-21

Jacksonville- 21
Buffalo-17

Cleveland- 28
Cincinnati- 30

Arizona- 10
Los Angeles Chargers- 36

Miami- 21
Indianapolis-33


Enjoy your turkeys, gentlemen!


The Oracle has spoken!

Tuesday, November 20, 2018

DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 11 WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

 JAGUARS UNVEIL NEW HELMET
REFLECTING OVERALL FRANCHISE BRAIN POWER 





DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Santa Clara    2-8         230    266       -36
Arizona         2-8         145     248      -103
Tampa Bay    3-7         267     329       -62
NY Giants      3-7         215     263       -48
Detroit          4-6         222     263       -41
Philly            4-6         205     231       -26

    
AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         2-8        170     293      -123
NY Jets          3-7        208     254      -46 
Jacksonville   3-7        176     219      -43
Buffalo          3-7        137     251      -114
Cleveland      3-6-1     218     263      -45

CHIEFS 51, RAMS 54
It may have been the greatest shoot-out since my neighbors moved away, but 5 turnovers by your QB gives you special mention in the Doormat. Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes throws 3 INTs, two in the final 1:13, the third one for a pick-six, and drops 2 fumbles, one for a fumble-six. The other fumble resulted in a TD a few plays later. The fact they still were in it, and scored 51 points, is nuts. But wild inaccuracy tends to lose games. Mahomes had it at the end. But for those turnovers, the Chiefs might have won going away. Where they were going away to I dunno.

JAGUARS 16, STEELERS 20
Steelers had no business winning this game.  But that's okay, because the Jags are on a mission to make their fans forget they were in the AFC Championship game last year, leading the Patriots 20-10 early in the 4th quarter.  See? You'd already forgotten.  Jags fans running out of unmarked pills in medicine cabinet, resorting to snorting random dust in junk drawer.

RAIDERS 23, CARDINALS 21
Raiders win a game in the desert, yet still own worst record in the AFC. It's nice to have a cushion when adversity strikes.  Cards hold tie-breaker over Raiders now.  Gonna be a tight race to the Moldy Carpet.  In the locker room after the sweat-breaker, Cards QB Josh Rosen flatly stated his team "is the better team" than the Raiders. It always gets confusing when losing puts you in first. 

LIONS 20, PANTHERS 19
A week after getting plastered 52-21 by the Steelers, the Panthers shave two points off their point total, and squeak by the Lions, who were forced to take the victory at the Kat Box in Detroit. Lions fans confused by not having to bury this game in tortured psyche.

BRONCOS 23, CHARGERS 22
The Broncos are clearly just not bad enough, Boris.  Chargers play throwback game, blowing 19-7 third quarter lead.  Broncos bring home the weekend's biggest upset.

BUCS 35, GIANTS 38
Leading 24-7 early in the 3rd quarter, the Giants staged a furious fade, but could not wreck the afternoon for the Meadowlands fans (I don't even care what it's called out there these days). Aware that he had a chance to catch up to the Jet's Sam Darnold in the interception race, the Buc's Fitzmagic was in full blowup mode, with Fitzy slinging 3 interceptions before Jameis Winston got into the game and started the Futile Comeback.
I think this was Fitz's last game starting for...just about anybody.  Giants have won 2 in a row.  Good GOD.  Coach Pat Shumer was talking playoffs PLAYOFFS? PLAYOFFS? in the post-game presser. Somebody needs to calm down.

EAGLES 7, SAINTS 48
It's not the Saints fault they can't find somebody to keep up with them. Eagles QB Carson Wentz fires 3 interceptions, and clocks a 31.9 passer rating for the day. Remember Nick Foles? Who? Remember the Super Bowl? The WHAT? Does somebody have a ring I can look at for a minute?  

Defrost your Turkey, after the frozen turkey bowling at the super.  Cran your berries.  Pump your kin, and- wait no, that sounds wrong. We're hoping for rain, here in California.  Supposed to rain Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.  That will be something to be thankful for.  

Enjoy your Thanksgiving, Doormat Fans.  Hug your loved ones.  Hug the ones you maybe you'd rather sack for a huge loss.  Gather round.  Huddle up.  Fill your plate.

Cheers,

THE DOORMAT DIVISION


Friday, November 16, 2018

NFL Predictions Week XI: 4 Balls, no Strikes

Jeana Keough. Not a bad win for a doormat legend.

It was Tuesday, Sept. 5, 1979 when A’s pitcher Matt Keough shuffled to the mound in the “Mausoleum” in front of 1,772 distracted Oakland fans (“Hey, pass that joint”). He was facing the formidable 85-60 Brewers. The A’s at the time were 50-95, well on their way to a 100-loss season and doormat infamy.

But the team records did not matter. The true doormat story that night was Keough. He had not had a decision in 28 consecutive starts—a feat not accomplished since Cliff Curtis did it in 1911—and he had lost 14 games in a row, tying him for the major league consecutive loss pitching record. Would he break the record tonight and enter the Doormat Hall of Fame?


We had to know. We were there, the Commish, Wacko, and Walkfish.

Keough set his jaw like a robot in a Schwarzenegger movie. His teammates seemed extra alert (never know when a Keough pitch will transform into a 120 mph line drive at your head). Matt hung in there for a complete game, gave up 5 hits and 1 run, walked 4 and struck out 5. A’s won 6-1. History was averted! The Brewers bombed Keough a week later. 


By the way, Anthony Young smashed the record with 27 consecutive losses across the 1992 and 93 seasons. Wow!

Keough’s lifetime record was 58-84 with a 4.17 ERA. But he was a big winner in the end, marrying a Playboy Playmate, Jeana Tomasino, and raising a family and eventually starring together in “True Wives of Orange County.”

And that, my friends, is why we love our teams, even when they lose, because doormat or champion, there is always excitement on the field and history to be made.


And now for this week’s predictions for teams with 3 or fewer wins:


Panthers- 28

Lions- 17

Buccaneers- 28
NY Giants- 14


Steelers- 44
Jaguars- 8


Raiders- 10
Cardinals-12


Broncos- 16
Chargers- 36


Broncos have sort of snuck in the basement here, only 3 wins. Definitely on the radar now!


With their miserable loss to the Seahags on Thursday, the 4-5-1 Pack is in the sack. Welcome to the couch, guys.

Watch out for the Skins, they are a stealth doormat.


Eagles are not stealth. They have crash landed on the patio, setting the propane tank on fire, and will now have to face a red hot Saints team. BTW, Eagles have still lost by more than a touchdown only once in their last 33 games. So they keep it close. Not a "doormat" game, but still have to call this one: Eagles, 21, Saints, 28.


The Oracle has spoken.

THIS WEEK'S UNDERDOGS

SPEED OF LIGHTNING, 
ROAR OF THUNDER
FIGHTING ALL WHO ROB OR PLUNDER 
(or are favored by Vegas)
do-do-do-do UNDERDOG!




THIS WEEK'S BIGGEST UNDERDOGS

Philadelphia    +8     @  NEW ORLEANS
Denver            +7           LA CHARGERS
Oaklan            +5           ARIZONA
JACKSN        +5           Pittsburgh
DETROIT      +4           Carolina


8 points is a pretty wide margin, even if it is the Saints (8-1),  the best team in the NFL right now.
We've all forgotten the Eagles (4-5) are world champs, that's for sure.  Right now, they're just trying to stay out of the Basement.  They will beat the spread, but won't win the game.

I also think the Broncos will beat the spread with the Chargers, but still think they'll pull the L. 

You know it's bad when you are 5 point underdogs to the Cardinals.  I can't say the Raiders will even score in this game.   Cards allow 25 points a game, Raiders 30.   On offense, the Cards average 13.8, Raiders 16.3 points per game.  So, the question is, who will clank one off the upright last, preserving the loss?

The Lions would be 10 point underdogs if the Panthers hadn't gotten completely shellacked by the Steelers last Thursday (52-21).  Still, 4 point 'dogs, at home at the Kat Box, ain't chopped liver.  Panthers cover the spread.   

MARQUEE DOORMAT GAMES

Not very many Doormat teams are even playing  this weekend.  SF, Buffalo, Cleveland and the NYJets, are all golfing or eating pork rinds and watching pro bowling.

Raiders (1-8)  @ Cardinals (2-7)  
The Charaders will be in the driver's seat if they lose this one, gaining a critical tiebreaker over an NFC foe that is still a solid contender.  They already hold the tiebreaker over the 49ers (having lost to them in Week 8).  This is gonna be a tough one.

Bucs (3-6) @ Giants  (2-7)
Hot on the 49ers tails, the Giants lost a big one last week, winning in Santa Clara, and losing their tie-breaker with the Whiners. Eli Manning leads the league in sacked yardage (over 240 yards) and sacks with 32.  Despite this, the Whiners blitzed him only once, getting their lone sack, showing great craft at the skill of losing. If the Bucs use the same plan, the Giants will have a hard time losing this game. 
Bucs hold the ace with Fitzmagic, a magic show that often blows up in your face. Says here Bucs pull into tie with Giants.  They'd better lose, because next week they get the 49ers, and we all know how good they (49ers) are at losing late, and often. 

Hard to believe the Saint's only loss is to the Bucs, in Week 1. 

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK?
Jaguars vs. Steelers
The Jags have a great opportunity to lose big and get somebody fired with this one. 
Will the Steelers be pooped out from last week?  No more points to pile?  They'll still win. 
Interesting the point spread is only +5 for the Jags.  Jacksonville still has a good defense, despite the plummet into the Basement (5 straight losses).  Leonard Fournette is back at RB for the Jags, so PERHAPS this game will be close.  Jags still lose.

MISCELLANY
The Jet's Sam Darnold, our interception leader with 14, gets the week off, so the rest of the field gets a chance to catch up.  4 guys with 10 interceptions.  Get to work, you bums.

aaaaAAAND That's The View From the Basement!!!


Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Doormat Division: WEEK 10 Updated Standings and 49ers Take Over NFC LEad


DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Santa Clara    2-8         230    266        -36
NY Giants     2-7         177    228        -51
Arizona         2-7         124     225       -101
Tampa Bay    3-6         232     291       -59
Detroit           3-6         202    244        -42

    
AFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland        1-8         147      272       -125
NY Jets         3-7         208      254       -46   
Jacksonville  3-7         134      170      -36
Buffalo          3-7        137     251       -114
Cleveland      3-6-1     218      263       -45
Denver          3-6         205      213      -8


49ERS 23,  GIANTS 27
The San Francisco 49ers are the rootin' tootin' foot shootin'-est team in the NFC.  Despite the best efforts of the Cards and the Giants, the Whiners hold the tie-breaker with both of those teams, and have a serious inside track on the NFC title for the Doormat Division.  The 49ers have blown 4th quarter leads in 3 of their last 4 HOME GAMES.   Of their 8 losses, they led going into the 4th quarter in 5 of them.  

After last night's flameout, they hole sole position in the Doormat NFC at 2-8.  Next week they play the Bucs,  the other top foot-shooting team in the NFL, so it should be a helluva contest to see how can lose to who.

-wacko
















Monday, November 12, 2018

WEEK 10 WRAP-UP: UPSET WEEKEND!!!


Or, Popcorn Bowl-Toss Weekend!
YOWEEEEE!!!!





BEATING THE ODDS
The Basement was rockin' yesterday, Doormat Denizens! The Bills, the Redskins, the Cowboys, the TITANS, and the Browns all beat the odds and outright won their games. An incredible weekend of upsets and defying the point spread.  Even the Cardinals beat the spread (well, 16 1/2 points is a little ridiculous).  Thankfully, a few teams- the Bucs, the Raiders and the Lions-  brought home the Bacon of Embarrassment and kept the Moldy Carpet dream alive.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 10

NFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

NY Giants     1-7         150     205       -55
Santa Clara    2-7         207     239       -32
Arizona         2-7         124     225       -101
Tampa Bay    3-6         232     291       -59
Detroit           3-6         202    244        -42

    
AFC            W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland        1-8         147      272       -125
NY Jets         3-7         208      254       -46     
Jacksonville  3-7         134      170      -36
Buffalo          3-7        137     251       -114
Cleveland      3-6-1     218      263       -45
Denver          3-6         205      213      -8

BILLS 41, JETS 10
Okay, so it was the Jets, and without Sam Darnold.  7 points was a GAUDY amount to be favored by, but nobody saw this coming.  Bills QB Matt Barkley last won a game when QB'ing for Chicago, in a snowstorm, against the 49ers, two years ago.  It appeared to be the only conditions under which he could win a game. Not so!

The Bills just pulverized the Jets, converting 2 turnovers into points, racked up 451 yards of total offense, scored nearly HALF the points they'd scored all season, and just mowed the lawn with the Jets. Does it matter that the Jets were only one game better in the standings?  Not in Buffalo!  In fact, all the better because the Bills are not even in last place in the AFC East anymore. Woo-Hoo! 

Does that feel good, Buffalo?  Huh?  Does it?  The Bills get the Reeling Jaguars next week at home.  Get out to the stadium, you long-suffering fans, and scream your heads off.  Maybe it'll even snow for Mr. Barkley.

TITANS 34, PATRIOTS 10
The Titans didn't just win this game. They demolished the Pats.  Oh MY does this feel good.  We were cheering so loud the tattered Titanics wallpaper peeled off the walls!! There is no better upset than beating the Patriots, and our Titanics were underdogs by 6 1/2.  No Tom Terrific 4th quarter, baby.  No points at all in the second half for the Patsies. New England's lack of a running game turned into a 40-yard TOTAL LACK of a running game. The Titans defense just put the screws on them and QB Marcus Mariota and a balanced running attack looked like a playoff team yesterday.  Maybe it's just one week.  But Nashville and all of Tennessee will take it.  5-4 and on the plus side of the NFL.  Get off our patio!

BROWNS 28, FALCONS 16
Blank Helmet football hasn't been this fun since Brian Sipe or Bernie Kosar was dropping back and threading the needle and making Browns fans hearts stop. The Browns finally win big at home for the first time since the Harding administration (or week 13 of the 2015 season against a completely demoralized 49er team that finished 5-11). This was different. The Browns beat a team that had been averaging 25.5 points a game and had won 4 straight. And they looked flat-out exciting doing it. Browns fans witnessed a 92-yard run for a touchdown, which had to be explained to them was an actual legal NFL play by the helpful stadium ushers in the orange parkas with the pamphlets.

Brownie Baker Mayfield looked stellar...can I really say that about a Brown's QB?  Somebody ask an usher. 3 TD passes, fabulous mobility extending plays. If they'd just use a darker tone of brown on the unis, we'd be in business.  But I'm quibbling.  Throw the popcorn a little higher, Browns fans.  Good GOD that took a long time to happen.  The best 3-6-1 team in the NFL, ladies and gents.

COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 20
It's not my idea of fun to report that the Cowboys pulled off an upset, but you gotta be honest to have any credibility around here. Otherwise, I'd have to move into the broom closet with the Commodore 64 (our fabulous nerve center of the Doormat Division!) be warmed by the battered space heater, and live on scraps from the neighbor's garbage grilled on the rusted Weber BBQ out on the patio.  Are we done here?  The Eagles are not last year's Eagles, and the Cowboys shouldn't have been 7 1/2 underdogs, but underdogs they were, and about to get their coach fired.  So, a one-week reprieve for America's 2nd most tiresome team (sorry, Dallas, New England wins that one).

THE BACON OF EMBARRASSMENT

Somebody has to bring it home.  And we've still got dysfunction programmed on NFL Sunday.
Let's start with the bottom of the pit:

RAIDERS 6, CHARGERS 20
The Charrrrraiders are the creme' de la creme' of the Doormat Division.  Drive to the 1 yard line and don't score.  Commit neutral zone infractions multiple times to turn 3rd and 6 into 3rd and 1 for the Chargers.  When the Raiders got a turnover yesterday, we had to rewind it and watch it 4 or 5 times before we could understand that this had actually happened.  It's like spotting a Dodo bird.

Oh..just top to bottom.  A demoralized roster with a coach talking about being tough for building to future creating a vision of dysfunction that any fan can smell from a mile off, and see when Derek Carr bails and grounds a pass on 4th down to...wait why would you do that?  Because there's just no point. The end zone is closed for the rest of the season, Raider Nation. Just stay in the parking lot next game. You've got a better seat. 

A helpful graphic came up on the TV yesterday about the Raider 'defense':

Yards allowed:               27th (ranking)
3rd down conversions:  30th
Points allowed:             31st
Takeaways:                   31st
Rush yards allowed      LAST
Sacks                            LAST
6.8 yards allowed per play- highest in the Super Bowl era.

Let us close the crypt for now, and not view the offense's stats.  It's just too grisly for a Monday morning.

BUCS 3,  REDSKINS 16
Hold the other team to 15 first downs, rack up 501 yards of offense...and only score a field goal.
WOW.  The Redskins get to register an UPSET with this impressive effort from the Bucs, with implosionary magician Ryan Fitzpatrick dealing from the Bucs backfield.  A master of red zone disaster,  Fitz threw an INT at the Washington 7 and dealt a fumble at the 2, threw in a fumble just outside the red zone, and ...isn't that enough?  What else do you want from this man?  More beard?
The Bucs are the most bizarre 3-6 team in the league.

CARDINALS 14, CHIEFS 28
The Cardinals don't have the 49ers on their schedule for any more games.  Rookie QB Josh Rosen has a lot of learning to do.  Should go 2-14 and Moldy Carpet contender.  The most boring team in the league.

LIONS 22, BEARS 34
The Kittens have returned to the fold in the Basement.  We have set up a cat box over by the possum's area, with the possum willing to persevere through the imposition for now.  3-6 and fading fast, the Lions have tough games to lose when they have the Cardinals and the Bills in consecutive weeks 12/9 and 12/16.  Otherwise, they can run the table.

BENGALS 14, SAINTS 51
Astonishingly the bigger blowout of the weekend, topping the 52-21 PITT-CAR margin.  Yes, the Bungles have a winning record, but they almost got under the 20-minute time of possession (20:14) a feat accomplished usually only once a year, and has not been attained yet this season. 

TONIGHT'S MARQUEE MATCHUP:

GIANTS (1-7) at 49ers  (2-7)
Huge game in the City That Is Not San Francisco tonight.  Should settle the bragging rights in the NFC for at least 1 week. 

OKAY!  We still have our Moldy Carpet contenders, but HOORAY for the UNDERDOG this week!
The sun is shining a little brighter today, even from behind a massive cloud bank.

aaaAAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!

Thursday, November 8, 2018

NFL Predictions Week X: Doormat Glory


Here are the Underpower Rankings based on the Turkey Quotient (TQ) of each team that has a minus score as of Week IX. TQ is a formula of total offense and defense combined with margins of defeat, turnovers, penalties, and strength of schedule. These are your losing teams for Week X (unless they play each other, then only one gets to lose).

AFC
Raiders: -13.1
Bills: -10.9
Dolphins: -7
Jets: -4.7
Jaguars: -2.7
Titans: -0.9
Browns: -0.5

Yes, Miami mighty be 5-3, but the numbers bode of evil times ahead for the Fins.

NFC
Cardinals: -10.2
49ers: -6.8
Lions: -5.6
Giants: -4.1
Packers: -2.5
Cowboys: -1.8

Packers and Cowboys both have a place on the patio now. They lose their next game and it’s an open seat on the duct tape couch. We have lots of coffee and donuts here for you guys!

And now the predictions. First, the GAME OF THE WEAK (and they are weak teams). I am talking about the Whiners and the Gnats in a game of true Doormat Glory.  With a TQ of  -6.8 for SF and -4.1 for the Giants, it’s easy to lean toward SF to lose this one. But they are in Santa Clara, which means people in the stadium can see the glow of the city lights back in the Bay where the fans are. If all those fans scream at once from the site of Candlestick it takes 11 minutes for the sound to get to Levi’s Stadium. That’s about how long it will take for the first SF series of downs and punt.

SF is at home, that should complicate them losing, but they have 18 turnovers to NY’s 11. But SF has 191 first downs to NYG’s 142. Yet, New York is ranked 8th in passing to SF at 24th in the league. And everyone will be on their smart phone downloading the newest app anyway so the fans won’t care. So I give this game to SF to lose. 4 quarters of futility punctuated by two monster turnovers in the 3rd quarter in the red zone to give SF the losing edge: 10-17.

San Francisco- 10
NYG- 17

Dolphins-17

Packers- 16
(That's right, GB is a doormat.)
 
Atlanta- 36
Cleveland- 12

Jacksonville- 17
Indianapolis- 32

Detroit- 17
Chicago- 20

Arizona- 9
Kansas City- 36
(AZ gets FG with .08 on the clock.)

Washington- 21
Tampa Bay- 28

Buffalo- 12
New York Jets- 21

LA Chargers- 28
Oakland-8

Dallas- 10
Philadelphia- 24


The Oracle has spoken!