Top NFL Doormat Seeds Roll Over in Epic Losses in Divisional Round

The Doormat Divisional Round on Monday, Jan. 13 had few surprises for fans as all of the higher seeded teams managed to come away with a loss--some of them in epic fashion--and now it will be Cleveland vs Houston in the AFC conference game and Washington vs Tampa Bay in the NFC battle for the basement. Unfortunately, most fans were not at the stadiums and were at home doing important things like unplugging the toilet or cleaning out the litter box.

It's Skull and Crossbones Time in Tampa Bay as they head to the Conference Finals and a shot at epic badness in the Doormat Bowl

St. Louis- 42
Tampa Bay- 6

The Houston Toxins may have polluted every stadium they stumbled into during the 2013 season, but the Tampa Bay Bootineers have been quietly numbing fans and spoiling Sundays with their own kind of skull and crossbones losses all season. This is a team that beat only Detroit and Miami and Atlanta two times this season. St. Louis, a weak Doormat with a 7-9 record (almost not a qualifying record for a doormat but they were in a strong division), was no match for them. The Bootineers managed two filed goals while punting 9 times and getting only 1 first down. The two field goals came late in the game when St. Louis fumbled two punts inside their own 10. Tampa Bay will now move to the conference final against Washington.

NY Giants- 16
Washington- 15

These two ancient rivals hate each other and always play a great game. This was no exception and Doormat fans were mostly disappointed as they saw a game without a pick-6 or a fumble for a touchdown. However, it was a great defensive battle and fans got to see a total of 13 punts. Eli Manning threw for only 6 yards.

You Can't Beat This! Weeden coughed up 4 fumbles for 21 points Monday

Jacksonville- 30
Cleveland- 13

The Gaguars were once 0-9 and there was serious buzz in the basement about and 0-16 season, but the once miracle season ended in infamy on Monday as the superior Cleveland Browns, a team without a cheerleader, showed the upstart Gaguars how its done. Brian Weeden put in a stellar doormat performance with four fumbles and three interceptions without a single 3rd down completion in the game. All 13 Cleveland points were scored on defense or special teams (two touchdowns with only one extra point). The Browns are hoping to snag Manziel in the draft this year and bring a franchise quarterback to the shores of Lake Eerie, but we all know what happens when anybody goes to Cleveland. Manziel sure does as he commented, "They play football in Cleveland? I hear it's cold on the lake." Yes it is, especially when you are wearing cement overshoes as many Cleveland fans will tell you.

But what can we say? Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam admitted in a news conference Monday that an ongoing criminal probe into his Knoxville company "has been a distraction." Really? That's why your team can't win. You are distracted? Haslam's Pilot Flying J Travel Centers have been under a federal investigation into alleged fuel rebate fraud since April 15, 2013 when a team of FBI agents raided the company's Knoxville headquarters. Now there's the problem. He owns a team in Ohio and his company is in Tennessee. OK Browns fans, time to light the Cuyahoga on fire again and burn the whole damn organization in effigy.

Meanwhile, the Jaguars will have to go home and figure out what went wrong with their season. They have knocked on the door for the Doormat Bowl in three of the last four seasons. There may be a shakeup in Jacksonville if they hope to lose big next year.

Some fans claim the Houston Cheerleaders are doping, but who cares?

Tennessee- 40
Houston- 17

It was lights out in Nashville and the Tennessee Titanics were never in it. Before the game was over Houston had fired its coach, named a new one, and benched every quarterback on the team. Word has it they are eyeballing Manziel too. And we are not surprised. Houston may have been magnificent this year, spreading a toxic cloud everywhere they go, but we all know they are like the Dolts of 2011. They won't be back. Too bad, because we have enjoyed their cheerleaders here in the Doormat Cave. Word has it they are "enhanced" but who cares?

So honk me a beer and pass the ashtray, it's time to settle in for some serious bad football this weekend. Odds are on the Toxins and the Deadskins in the Doormat Bowl, but you never know as the Brownies are truly bottoming out right now and Tampa Bay is overrated. I don't know about you guys, but the Oracle is picking Tampa Bay and Cleveland in the big game.

Gentlemen, make your predictions and comments!

High Octane Offenses Dominate Doormat Wild Card Round

Doormats combined for 240 points and over 3,000 yards of offense--1,000 of it by the defense--in a bizarre Doormat Wild Card round on Jan. 6 that sent Tennessee, St. Louis, the NY Giants, and Jacksonville on to the Divisional Round in the playoffs.

"I thought we would play Oakland tough, but it turned out to be a cakewalk for us to get the loss," said Gaguars passing ace Chad Henne, who threw four interceptions and coughed up two fumbles against the Raydurz. "It was disappointing to go 0-13 and then wind up a Wild Card, but I think we proved today that losing against us is nearly impossible, even for Oakland."

Henne added that Jacksonville may not have been the worst team of the season, but every team that lost to them this year--including the Houston Toxins--fired its coach by the end of New Year's Day 2014. (It's true, read: Every Coach Who Lost to the Jaguars Was Fired.)

In other action, Atlanta racked up 60 points as it sent the NY Giants to the next round. "They scored 39 points," Falcons quarterback Matt Ryan said. "Not a very doormat performance, but we just weren't in it today and could not stay out of the end zone."

And here are the results for the Wild Card round. By the way, a clerical error on the part of the Oracle from the Basement had Detroit in the playoffs. That's ridiculous. They may have been 7-9, but so was St. Louis and the NY Giants, and Detroit actually outscored it's opponents this year and was over .600 in divisional play. The Lambs were a paltry .333, so they got the nod for the playoffs.)

WILD CARD ROUND RESULTS

NFC
Minnesota-22
St. Louis-21

Atlanta-60
NY Giants-39

AFC
Buffalo-19
Tennessee-17

Jacksonville-18
Oakland-54

The Divisional Round will be:

NFC
NY Giants at Washington
St. Louis at Tampa Bay

AFC
Jacksonville at Cleveland
Tennessee at Houston

Gentlemen, make your predictions!

Just When You Thought It Was Safe to Go in the Basement

Just when you thought the endless wandering in the Bonehead Forest-- far scarier place than Mirkwood--was over, and you could go back to the basement for some serious football with nifty craft beers and those cool black corn chips with Paul Newman salsa...the Doormats emerge again!

This time it was in truly epic fashion as the Kansas City Chiefs--who won the Doormat Bowl last year despite an impressive performance by Michael Vic--truly found a way to lose to the Colts--who won the Doormat Bowl two years ago. Of course, the Colts are doormat posers who only managed a 2-14 season in 2011 because Peyton Manning had a broken neck. It was a total fluke year and everyone here in the Doormat Cave knows it.

But the Chiefs are a losing machine and they have been doing it for a very long time. The Colts were no match for them this year and, despite managing a 38-10 deficit early in the second half, the Colts were not able to hold on for the loss and they roared back in the fourth quarter to get the win. I guess someone forgot to tell Luck it the goal is to stay away from the goal line. For the Chiefs, it was truly one of the greatest come from ahead losses of all time. You have to hand it to them, but we won't. Instead, let's just open another beer.

And now we turn to another Doormat performance in the playoffs. Our beloved Beagles, picked to be a Moldy Carpet contender this year after a near-miss loss in the Doormat Bowl last year, managed to put in a third-rate performance in a wild card playoff with the Saints and, in true Doormat style, waltzed into immediate irrelevance for the rest of the 2013 season and playoffs. No one will remember you got soundly beaten in a wild card game after winning a really weak division. However, we will tip our doormat Chuks to Chip Kelly. He did turn the ship around—and it was a big fat ship at that—and it looks like we will not see the Beagles in the basement for many years to come.

Let’s face it. We love our doormats, and we secretly love it when they win. Wait, forget that. It’s no secret. We love it when they win! Unfortunately, all of our upstart doormats are out of the playoffs and now the Seasonal Affective Disorder sets in because there is little left to interest a Doormat Denizen now that Washington and Houston have locked up their conferences. Yes, there is still the Doormat Bowl—which will be in Sochi as the Russians let them play a game just before the Olympics to test out the sec urity situation—but somehow it is a letdown. Why can’t Doormats have a playoff too?

Well, they can. Announcing the first-ever Doormat Playoffs. Each game will be played the Monday after the real NFL teams play a real playoff game or Super Bowl.

Here is the Doormat Wild Card line up for Mon., Jan. 6, 2014. Wow, the Kittens are in the playoffs after all!

Cleveland at Jacksonville

Tennessee at Buffalo

NY Giants at Minnesota

Detroit Lions at Atlanta

Stay tuned for results tomorrow!