Cellar in January??

Though I am crossing into another Universe, it bears noting that the New Jersey Nets, who are on pace to break the all-time worst NBA season record (9-73) set by the Philly Sixers, are visiting the Golden State Warriors tonight.

The Nets, at 3-38 (I think), are really taking it to the house, and this game is a true Cellar NBA matchup because the Warriors currently only have 4 players available that were on their roster at the beginning of the year. Everybody else is D-league except for Devean George, who is just over the hill.

I have never seen a team with more injuries than the Warriors. I'll be taping this gem.

Gotta Go back into the studio!!!

The Cellar Factor, Part II

So who have our illustrious playoff teams LOST to?

Cowboys- 5 losses- Packers, NY Giants (twice!), Chargers, Broncos (when the Broncos were on fire). These guys are GOOD.

Saints- 3 losses- Cowboys, Bootineers, Pansies. 1 Cellar and 1 on the cusp.

Vikings- 4 losses- CareBears (TWICE!!), Pansies, Steelers. Wow. Not a good sign. Definite Cellar tinge.

Colts- Both losses are 'tank' games at the end of the season: Jets, NILS. No factor, though losing to the Nils is not a good idea no matter what.

Cardinals- 6 losses: Packers (tank game), Titanics (late in season), Colts, Pansies, 49ers (twice). If it wasn't for the Cardinals, 49ers would still be in the cellar. ZERO Cellar tinge here.

Ravens- 7 losses (yow!): no Cellar taint in 7 losses- kind of amazing. Vikes, Bungles, Pats, Bungles again, Colts, Packers, Steelers. Losing to Bungles twice kind of ugly.

Chargers- 3 losses: Ravens, Steelers, Broncos. Steelers went on huge fade shortly after that game. Zero Cellar Taint.

Jets- 7 losses: Nils, Floppers (TWICE), Pats, Saints, Falcons, Jags. Definite Cellar taint.

So, my prediction, based on these unassailable facts, are: Jets, Saints and Vikes will LOSE.

-Wacko

Cellar Division Props up NFL Playoff Posers

This one from Wacko....

Bungles may have looked like the pretenders of the playoffs, but take a look at where everybody got their victories, and you see that the Cellar provides a lot of Ws out there, and this is one reason it makes it so hard to gauge what a team is really going to do in the playoffs.


Bungle wins for the year

Packers
STeelers
Brownies
Brownies
Ravens
CareBears
Ravens
Steelers
Kittens
Cheaps

and they LOST to the Raiders.

That's getting into the playoffs the EASY WAY.

Five of their ten wins were against Cellar, or cellar worthy, teams. The Steelers were horrific for 6 straight weeks, too. So, that's 7 games against toast.

CARDINALS - 6 they got to beat up on the Lambs AND Sehags 4 times, plus the Kittens and CareBears. That does not equal Bungles.

VIKINGS- 6 Kittens, Kittens, CareBears (lost one), SeaHags, Brownies (early).

RAVENS- 6 Cheaps, Brownies (2), Kittens, Raydurz, CareBears- plus the Steelers

They also beat the Chargers and narrowly lost to Vikes and Colts.

CHARGERS- 7 Raydurz (2), Cheaps (2) Brownies, Deadskins, and the Floppers back when they were in the Cellar (week 3). They also buried the Titanics, but that was late in the season.

SAINTS- 6 Boots (2), Kittens, Nils, Deadskins, Lambs, plus Floppers (early), Pansies (early) so, that's kind of like, EIGHT.

COLTS- 6 Titanics (2 early and late), Floppers (early), Seahags, Lambs.

COWBOYS- 7 Boots, Deadksins (2), Raydurz, Hags, Cheaps, Pansies (early)

THIS WEEKS PREDICTIONS

Cowboys 27
Vikings 24

Indianapolis 18
Ravens 10

Chargers 479
Jets 3

OH, OK Jets have good Defense and Chargers aren't that good. 332-20.

Saints 48
Cardinals 24

I will be rooting for the VIKES, finally. But they'll still lose. Unless Favre's been getting some good medicine.

Toilet Bowl to be Played at Kezar Stadium

It's a battle for Missouri, home of Mark Twain, Harry Truman, Rush Limbaugh, Jesse James, Charles Lindburgh, and a lot of great blues and early Rock and Roll, as the Kansas City Cheeps and St. Louis Lambs get ready for Toilet Bowl I. Yes, Missouri is the epicenter of football badness.

It's a "Show Me" clash, but it will be played in California because, as Gov. Arnold said, "We need anything to raise a few bucks." And that is about all the revenue this game will get.

Wiith a fresh coat of spray paint and newly mowed grass, Kezar Stadium in San Francisco, the ancient home of the 49ers in their best days in the crapper, has been selected for the 2010 Toilet Bowl.

"Nobody really wants to play this game, and we figured San Francisco is a great place to be when you don't want to be there," an NFL official said under anonymity. "We hear the lines are kinda blurred there, which makes fir a pretty good party, and we all want to eat some crab, too."

The Kansas City Cheeps, heavily favored to win--er--lose the contest, will spend the week training on beer and Kansas City style sweet barbecue and cole slaw made with a Midwestern classic-- Miracle Whip.

The incredble Lambs, though not as perfect as the 2009 O-16 Kittens, really played a lot worse than the Kittens dis last year. In fact, almost every analyst is scratching his or her head, wondering how they managed to actually win a game. The Lambs will be preparing for the big game by eating at a St. Loius Krispy Kreme every day and banging down St. Louis Boilermakers at blues clubs on LaClede's'Landing every night.

"Our goal is to show up hungover and fat," an equipment manager said.

As for the rest of us, we can only imagine how bad this is going to be.

Cellar Divsion WEAK XVII Wrap-Up and Disposal

Rams Resort to Playing Soccer, but Still Lose

The CELLAR DIVISION WEAK XVII Wrap-Up and Disposal

They’ve crossed the finish line, ladeeeeez and gentlemen, and….wait a minute…..I think there is, yes, folks, there’s ONE more contestant coming into view….it’s…it’s....why it’s a little Lamb!

Gracious. This is going to be far more brief than I’d like, because I sprained my thumb trying to open a can of Planters Peanuts down in the Rumpus Room last night. Then I made it worse with the staple gun as I assembled the Moldy Carpet Trophy. (I really have sprained my thumb, and this in a week when I’m being paid all week to be a studio musician. aarrg.)

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE OUR CONFERENCE CHAMPS!

NFC- St. Louis Lambs 1-15

AFC- Kansas City Cheaps 4-12

AND WE HAVE A CHAMPION!!!

I don’t need to wait until the Super Bowl to call this one- it’s the

ST. LOUIS LAMBS- CELLAR CHAMP!!!!!

It’s unanimous! It’s clear! It’s pathetic!! It’s Cellar Ball played only one way- with total lack of conviction, inconsistent focus, below average skills, and low IQ coaching.

Putting the lack in lackluster

SHOCKER OF THE WEEK

Cheeps land in basement depite clobbering Denver

Kansas City, having clinched the AFC title, stops worrying about losing the Cellar and blows out Denver 44-24, with Derrick Johnson running back TWO interceptions for touchdowns, and Jamaal Charles scampering for 259 yards for the Cheaps. I’m completely shocked. These are MY Cheaps? The Lambs cannot do this. This game alone shows that the LAMBS are the hands-down Champeeeens of the Cellar.

4 WEEK SHOCKER- the Brownies. What the F___? The Brownies win their last 4, after looking like a team that had NO IDEA what to do with their lives. I admit to being educated, again, that the Cellar is a mysterious thing.

LOSER of the WEEK

TWO LOSERS THIS WEEK (really, Today, they’re ALL losers in our division):

The Bungles and the Lambs.

Jets 37, Bungles 0

They didn’t rest their starters until the halfway point of the third quarter. They got only 5 first downs. 72 total net yards. ZERO passing yards. ZERO passing yards. These guys are in the Playoffs….but not for long.

The Lambs I will cover in just a second in…

STIFF OF THE WEAK

49ers 28 Lambs 6

Do not be fooled by this score. Halfway through the 4^th quarter the score was 7-6, and it was a PUNTFEST. You know, when you are watching a puntfest, you can put the VCR on fastforward in play mode, and the form of the game is very clear. 3 blobs and a punt. Followed by 3 blobs and a punt. Oh, wait. 3 blobs, a punt, and a penalty. On one such possession, the Lambs punted and got flagged- 3 times. Finally, on punt #4, they were at their 5 yard line, and committed ANOTHER penalty, but by this time the 49ers were just plain embarrassed for everybody and took the ball, just so they could go to commercial.

20 total punts. If that is not a season high, I’ll eat my football head. I fast-forwarded through almost everything until the 4^th quarter when the Lambs did what they do so well- just gave the game away. Also, I think somebody finally got coach Singletary on the phone and informed him they were playing the Lambs, and if they wanted to score, they could just go ahead and throw the bomb.

6 first downs for the Lambs. Inaccurate passing of the first magnitude. 109 Total yards. Average gain per play…..1.9 yards. That’s getting it DONE, Cellar style. This, gentlemen, is how a champion is made.

If you ignore the last 7 minutes, the two teams were a combined 3-29 on third down conversions. The only reason there weren’t MORE punts is the Niners went for it on 4^th down a few times, as punter Andy Lee was getting a little pooped. It was UGLY, with this strange ray of light at the end, so the 49ers can go into the offseason with the lamest 8-8 record of the decade. 5 of their wins were against the Lambs (twice), Kittens, CareBears, and Seahags.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Once again, take your pick

Jets 37 Bungles 0 Jets on a roll, Bungles really in trouble

Vikings 44 Giants 7- Vikings will do damage in playoffs.

Packers 33 Cardinals 7 (and they get to do it again next week).

Cowboys 24 Eagles 0

Cheaps 44 Broncos 24

I’m going with the Cheaps. I watched it, and it was ridiculous. With the playoffs on the line, the Broncos just fall DOWN. They were TRYING. Cheaps looked like the playoff team. They did everything right.

Final Lows of the Seasons, Weak XVII

Points: 0 Bungles, Eagles

First downs: 5 Bungles

Total Yards: 72 Bungles

Rushing: 38 Bootineers (on 22 rushes) Colts 25 on 15 rushes

Passing: 0 Bungles

Turnovers: 3, multiple teams.

Penalties: 13-95 yards Giants

Time of Poss: 18:46 Bungles

Final note- Shane Lechler missed Sammy Baugh's punt record by tenths. He whacked 5 for 52.4 per yesterday, but it wasn't enough. Geez, the Raydurz can't even give the ball up right.

It’s been a gas doing the Cellar this year, guys. I know more about a bunch of teams than I ever thought possible. The teams laid down, fell down, blew assignments…they worked long and hard, but only one team can make the claim to Champion of the Cellar.

I still have to prepare the trophy.

aaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnd THAT’s The View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!

Flushed with excitement, Lambs, Cheeps head for Toilet Bowl

Unless I have done my math wrong-- and I do that a lot-- it's the Lambs from the NFC and theCheeps from the AFC in the first-ever NFL Toilet Bowl.

Despite some amazing last-week upset losses for the Colts and Saints--well, maybe not the Saints, they have been playing fade-ball for a few weeks now anyway-- still at least 25 people did tune in Sunday to watch the Lambs and 49ers helplessly kill their own drives for 2 quarters before the 9ers finally got the team running on more than one cylinder and ran away with a game that nobody cared about but them. I don't think the Lambs even cared. They looked relieved to be walking off the field at the end. "Can the season end now, please?"

The Cheeps really messed up their season-finale by pasting the Broncos 44-24. Don't they know you have to lose big to get momentum into the post-season?

But now it is time to look forward, sports fans, to what will probably be the worst game of the year because the Lambs will probably score no points, have negative yardage, and make 128 turnovers as the Cheeps wipe them out in the Toilet Bowl. All that remains is for us to figue out how they will play each other.

Ideas?

Today's Raydur Strategy

Well, Tom Cable refuses to start Ja-missssssssss-it Russell today, this after stating back on Monday that without Russell, they would be in the playoffs.

Playoffs? Playoffs?

Apparently Al Davis was livid- his purple age spots got brighter. So, it's either Cable or Jamissit before next year. Also, this insures that Mr. Russell will have a 49.6 passer rating, lowest rating that qualifies since Ryan Leaf back in 1998.

So, today's Raydur strategy is about one thing: Getting Shane Lechler's punting average back up to the all time high. Last week, BigFoot's avg dipped below Sammy Baugh's record (51.3 I think), so here's the plan: The Raydurz will punt, regardless of the down, anytime they near their own 35. If they go beyond this mark, Lechler, cannot get 65 yard punts (the 'net' does not figure into this).

In my personal opinion, they would get this done, and still wait for 4th down, no problem, if Jamarcus started.

I have to practice with a band all day today, so I'm going to miss the LA-SF finale. I'm sure it's going to be a bumble-fest of the first order.

cheers everyone, and The Moldy Carpet in in site....as soon as I make it.

-e

Today's big headline

Weak XVII Predictions

The Rose Bowl is too depressing so it's time to go to the basement bar, sit on the red naugahyde stool, and spin the ancient Bohemian beer bottle, and predict the final week of the Cellar Division.

First, the Basement Oracle says the Lamb will lie down below the Arch, and end a golden year of futility as the 49ers make stew in a chucwagon Dutch ovenam

And here are the scores:

49ers 21
Lambs 6

Colts 42
Nils 10

Saints 12
Pansies 10

Jags 14
Brownies 21

Bears 33
Kittens 10

Pitts 17
Floppers 21

Falcons 30
Bootineers 24

Cheeps 0
Broncos 14

Ravens 28
Raydurz 7

Deadskins 10
Bolts 32

Titanics 14
Seahags 9

Gentlemen, make your predictions!
Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®