Congratulations, Doormat gladiators! The season is over. Time to hang up your face-paint, tear off the glued-on skulls, stuff the low IQ signs in the trash, flop into the recliner and watch a Bonanza marathon- something where the home team wins every time. Lorne Greene shoulda coached the Oilers.
Let’s get right to the accolades and awards!
FINAL DOORMAT STANDINGS AND AWARDS
AFC CHAMPION
Indianapolis Dolts 2-14
As expected, the Dolts come through with a solid loss against the not-bad-enough Jaguars and are just one vibrating electronic football game fumble away from the Doormat Crown. Dolts snag first round draft pick, and if they don’t draft Andrew Luck, we’ll know that have big plans in the Doormat for 2012-13.
NFC CHAMPION
St. Louis Lambs 2-14
With yesterday’s Futile Comeback against the 49ers, the Lambs nail down the NFC Doormat and a shot at the Doormat Division Championship. This team is money.
TOILET BOWL 2012
Lambs vs. Dolts, Strat-o-Matic Stadium, Feb. 6th, 2012
Yep, the day after the Super Bowl, that way we can get a whole deli-spread from our neighbor’s garbage cans. BE THERE or be on YouTube.
FINAL DOORMAT STANDINGS
NFC
St. Louis Lambs 2-14
Minnesota Yikings 3-13
Tampa Bay Bootineers 4-12
Washington Deadskins 5-11
Carolina Pansies 6-10
Seattle Seahags 7-9
Amazingly, 3 teams pulled to 8-8 yesterday, and stayed out of the Basement for the off-season (Chicago, Philly, Arizona)
AFC
Indianapolis Dolts 2-14
Cleveland Brownies 4-12
Jacksonville Gaguars 5-11
Buffalo Nils 6-10
Miami Floppers 6-10
Kansas City Cheaps 7-9
The Brownies finish their season with an amazing push and get past the Gaguars, who were up against the champs. Also pulling to 8-8 yesterday were the Chargers. The Broncos and Raiders also finish 8-8, inspired, but falling short of Basement membership.
I honestly think of the Raiders as being about 4-12, but the numbers don’t lie.
ETERNAL, EVERLASTING
GODS OF GAWDAWFUL
The teams that are here, have been here, and will continue to be here. The teams that achieve hopelessness from the top down, not just through a bunch of unfortunate injuries or some other lame excuse for losing. These are the teams that PLANNED it this way, and are keeping the flame burning for all who aspire to losing big, and doing it every year.
ST. LOUIS RAMS started 0-7, finished 2-14. Ever since Kurt Warner left town, it’s been as ugly as their worn-out rug at Edward Jones stadium.
CLEVELAND BROWNS- started 3-3, finished 4-12. The team that refuses to install an offense. Flat-out refusal.
TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS- yeah sure they went 10-6 in 2010. So? They brought it all back this year. They’ve already fired the coach- who elese will they dump?
BUFFALO BILLS started 5-2, finish 6-10. Still haven’t had winning season since 2004. I’m not believing until I see it.
OAKLAND RAIDERS- Maybe I should ease off. After all, they’ve gone 8-8 two years in a row. But I can’t. Not after yesterday’s embarrassment, along with 5-6 others this season where the Rayduuurrrrrz beat themselves. As long as they have Carson “Blow-It” Palmer at the helm, and they can set the world record for penalties, these guys will not make the playoffs. 10 years and counting. Al Davis is not resting in peace, Baby.
The Dolts and Yikings will need to turn in 4-5 more years of horrible-ness to get in this club. 1 or 2 years of bad is nothing. NOTHING.
THE 10 CLUB
Losing 10 games represents dedication, consistency, and franchise-wide planning to achieve this level of competitiveness in the Doormat. 10 losses is institutional losing. 10 losses and you can’t say your team isn’t bad. They stink, OK? Get on the right side of losing- now. Even those games they “should have won” won’t get them to .500. Full membership in the Basement (access to orange couch, PBR bar, possum nest, Barcalounger, dumpster-dive deli spread, and outside coffee grill on Patio). 7-9 teams only allowed on outside Patio, and are not allowed to use grill without permission from 10 club members.
Just making the 10 Club yesterday were the Buffalo Nils and the Carolina Pansies, two teams with similar offensive fire-power and flimsy defense. The Nils began the season 5-2, and managed to go 1-8 for the rest of the season. Led by their bearded wizard of turnover, Ryan Fitzpatrick, the Nils come skidding to a crash in the Basement today with a final implosion against New England, falling handily 49-21. Fitzpatrick does as expected, throwing FOUR interceptions, just enough to snag the INT trophy for 2012. Their logo proudly remains on the mast-head. The Pansies, despite having the league MVP (Cam Newton) on their team, still have the most porous defense in the league (take that, Colts, Rams and Bucs!). The Pansy logo endures for another year!
The 10 Club mebership 2011-12 Season: The Colts, Rams, Vikings, Browns, Buccaneers, Jaguars, Redskins, Bills, Panthers and the Dolphins.
DOORMAT AWARDS 2011
Most Jaw-Dropping Loss
This is an extremely tough call, as the Vikings, Brownies and Dolphins checked in with some of the most astonishing self-destructions in 2011, but I have to give it to the Dallas Cowboys for this one:
Cardinals 19, Cowboys 13
Until this game, I had never seen a team ice its own kicker. As Cowboy rookie kicker Dan Bailey boots a 49-yard field goal to win it at the end of regulation, Cowboys coach Jason Garrett calls a timeout!! Properly iced, Bailey misses his second attempt moments later, Arizona wins the toss in overtime, Card’s QB Kevin Kolb dumps off a shortie to LaRod Stephens-Howling and he goes 52 yards for the TD. “I was glad they iced their kicker at the end so I didn’t have to do it,” deadpanned Arizona coach Ken Whisenhunt.
One time out cost the Cowboys the playoffs. Nicely done.
BIGGEST FLAME-OUT
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Yes, I know the Eagles fell from the highest perch, hilariously imploding, with a majority of their losses coming on prime-time football TV, but they finished 8-8 and that doesn’t get you in the Doormat, so NO. And the Brownies finished the year with an impressive collapse that only the Brownies can do.
But first Place goes to the Buccaneers, the Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything right. Standing at 4-2 back in week 7, teetering on respectability, the Bootineers, who live up to that nickname better than any doormat in league history, go on a 10-game losing streak (pulling even with their last 10 game streak in 1977- the glory days) to finish the season 4-12. The Boots do it with the most fumbles and interceptions and Sack-Fumble-TDs over the final 10 games than any other team. It wasn’t a matter of IF with these guys, it was WHEN. Coming in a close second, and taking the AFC honors are the Buffalo Bills, who made it to week 8 at 5-2, and then went 1-8 for the remainder, their sole win coming against the Broncos when Tim Tebow actually out-interceptioned (that’s not really a word) Fitzpatrick. Fitzpatrick goes on phenomenal interception rampage, finishing with league high 25.
Someone asked us, back at 5-2, when we would take the Nils logo off our masthead. Well, now we don’t have to. Solid.
MOST COME FROM AHEAD LOSSES
9, Minnesota Vikings
Nothing crushes the home fans more than taking a lead and then blowing it week after week. The Yikings did a first this season, blowing 3 double digit first half leads in their first 3 games. In all, the Yikings lose 9 games after scoring first, and in most of them, leading at half-time. The Dolphins, Eagles and Pansies round out the ‘nearly winning.’
MOST BLOWN 4th QUARTER LEADS
5, Philadephia Eagles
The Pheebles get at least one award here, setting the all-time NFL record for most blown 4th quarter leads with FIVE flameouts that played out on a national stage almost every time. Looking like they were going to take it to the house at one point, the Pheebles just dodge Doormat membership and finish 8-8, a solid mediocrity for 2011.
WORST GAME OF THE YEAR
Browns 6, Seahawks 3. October 23rd, 2011 Brownie Bake Sale Stadium. It’s no contest.The game that coined the term “Sluf-gest,” the Brownies and Seahags turn in stinking snoozer of a grid-iron refusal to win in front of the most mistreated fans in sports, Cleveland. A real shoe-gazer of a butt-freezing, mind-numbing contest. For the full details, see our coverage of this amazing ball game: http://doormatdivision.blogspot.com/2011/10/doormat-division-nfl-week-seven.html
BIGGEST KNUCKLEHEADS, MOST PENALTIES
The Professors of the Bonehead Forest, the self-professed bullies of the AFC, the Oakland Raiders cross the finish line with the all-time NFL record in penalties, 163 yellow hankies and total yardage of 1358 to BLOW AWAY the competition. The next closest team was Seattle at 138 and 1047, a full three football fields short of the Rayduuurrrrzzzz. Detroit comes in second in yardage (1075) and admittedly had N. Suh working himself up as poster boy for the Bonehead Forest, but the Raiders do it as part of the team concept, so that’s why the Raiders kept themselves out of the playoffs and the Lions find themselves having to go to New Orleans next week instead of going golfing.
TEAM AWARDS OFFENSE
Fewest Points: 193 Rams (12 pt. per game)
The Lambs explode for 27 points in the finale, and finish with a gaudy 12 point average, clawing their way out of some elite company. I hate those 4th quarter touchdowns where the other team takes their foot off the Lamb’s neck. These guys could have averaged less than 10 for the season, but had to contend with 2nd and 3rd string defenses in the 4th quarter, as well as teams that have already started the party on the sideline.
Worst Offense: 283.5 yards per game, St. Louis Rams
Worst Running Game: 89.2 yards per game, 3.5 yards per carry, both league lows, New York Giants.
The Giants limp into the playoffs on the backs of Eli Manning and Victor Cruz. As bad as the Giants can be, any team with a Manning on it in the playoffs has a chance.
Worst Passing Game: 136.8 yards per game, Jacksonville Jaguars
If Tim Tebow had been in all season, maybe this is different. Maybe not.
Lowest overall QB team rating: 62.2, Denver Broncos. Tebow and Kyle Orton nail it down, and the Buncos still make the playoffs.
Fewest TDs: 16, St. Louis Lambs. It ended up close, thanks to yesterday’s Lamb TD fest. The Cheaps take 2nd with 18, even though they held the TDs to 1 yesterday.
FEWEST passing TDs: 9, Lambs. Single digits. Wow.
Fewest Rushing TDS: 4, Cleveland Browns
Yes, it really was that bad. Have another bowl of Chomps.
MOST Times SACKED: 55, St. Louis Lambs. The Lambs snatch the sack award on the last day, hitting the turf 3 times as the Crudinals only get 2, and finish 1 behind at 54.
Most Interceptions: 25 Buffalo Bills, Philadelphia Eagles. Nils QB Ryan Fitzpatrick gets all 25 interceptions, as the Pheebles use 3 QBs to tie for first.
Most Fumbles: 30 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Denver Broncos! The Bucs drop it 3 times on the final day of the season to pull into a dead heat with Denver, as Tim Tebow manages a costly fumble near the Kansas City goal-line to at least grab a share of the fumble crown for the Buncos.
Lowest Third Down Conversion rate: 28.1%, St. Louis Rams. Denver checks in with worst 4th down rate, 23.1%
Worst Red Zone Conversion: 33%, Kansas City Chiefs, 38.7%, St. Louis Rams
Worst Give/Take-away ratio: -15, Washington Deadskins
TEAM AWARDS DEFENSE
Most Points Allowed: 407, (25.4 per game) Rams
Most Yard Allowed: 394 avg, Buccaneers
Most Rushing Yards allowed: 156.1 avg Buccaneers
Most rushing TDs allowed: 26, Buccaneers
Most Passing Yards allowed: 299.7, Green Bay Packers
Most Passing TDs allowed: 34, Minnesota Vikings
Fewest Interceptions: 8, Vikings, Colts
Worst 3rd down defense: 6.1 conversion per game, Indianapolis Colts
OKAY!! We’ll be back with some individual numbers and single game awards, but for now, I’m letting these numbers stand. Look for our “Doormat Teams in The Playoffs” coming up later this week.
aaAAAAAAAAnd that’s the View from the Basement!
Best stats ever, Wacko. Thanks, we have stats here you can't get anywhere else Following the Doormats has proven that the true interest of sports is that you can't ever know the outcome 100 percent. No matter what you follow, there is still the mystery, and the endless opportunities to look at stats and strategy, history, the players, every dimension of the sport, and get excited about who is going to lose...er...win...er...whatever...that's the point!
ReplyDeleteone stat I forgot was MISSED TACKLES:
ReplyDelete1. Rams (darn I forget the number)
2. Bucs
32nd: 49ers. These guys do not employ the hit 'em hard and hope they fall down method used by at least half the league.