DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 14 Sponsored by MR. PLOW

HUMAN SNOWPLOW DAY!

I had to hack my way into my computer today.  With an ice pick.  It’s so cold in the Basement this morning, that the Olde English 800 spill from Sunday’s wild DOORMAT DIVISION experience froze solid on the Commodore 64 keyboard, and this stupid rattling burn-down-the-house heater we got down here isn’t doing skiffle.  If it isn’t -10º, then it’s -20º.   I’m going to have to put on an extra layer of heavy metal.  But if I think it’s cold here, it’s a lot colder in Cleveland, Minnesota and Atlanta (yes it is) this morning, where the cream of the losing crop (after our fearless leaders, Houston) came in on Sunday with flying colors. Snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, our Doormat brethren pulled off some of the most amazing finishes of the year.  I was all ready to call it Upset Weekend, but, you know, that’s why you wait until the clock goes to 0:00. 

An important thing to remember, next year when you are betting, is that in week 14, any team that is already 4-8 is probably going to blow it to any team with a better record.  It’s almost a lock.  

But first, let’s go straight to the SNOW GAME.

LIONS 20,  EAGLES 34

They may be 7-6, and leading the Black and Blue division, but our Kittens played one for the ages yesterday. The pampered dome-boys of the North, in a game where the refs couldn’t find the goal line because the snow was so deep,  fumbled the ball SEVEN TIMES, losing it 3.  Sure, it was cold.  Fans froze their cheese steak off.  But the Eagles didn’t fumble once.  The best one was the hike in shotgun when QB Matt Stafford wasn’t even looking.  Whoosh! His look of complete exasperation on the sideline after that one was priceless. The Lions, leading 20-14, completely implode and the Eagles blow past them with 20 unanswered points, racking up 478 total yards, with Lesean McCoy plowing through the Kitten ‘defense’ for 217 yards.  There’s nothing saying the Lions can’t finish 7-9.  I’m sure they’re thinking why not in Detroit today.   Come on back to the BASEMENT, Fuzzy Furrballs From Ford Field, we miss your sure-handed guidance.  It’ll be a nice place to relax in the off-season while the suits look for a new coach, and entire coaching staff. 

Next loss:  Baltimore.

BROWNS 26, PATRIOTS 27

I have never liked the Patriots logo- it looks like they work for the post office.  But, through rain, sleet, snow or dark of Blank Helmet football, they deliver. 

And so do the BROWNIES.  Wowee this one has got to hurt like nothing else.  It must be -50º below back at 76 Lou Groza Blvd.  Blowing a 12-point lead with 2:39 left in the game took everything they had, but the brilliant 15 yard personal foul after the first Pats comeback touchdown, enforced on the kick-off, got the Pats to the 50 yard line, and the easily recovered onside kick got them to the 40.  THEN, the Brownie pass interference penalty got the Pats to the 1-yard line, and, Bob’s Your Uncle, the Pats take the lead.  It was so smartly done, that stunned Browns fans didn’t even have time to toss the brownie tray.  The Blank Helmets frantically got the ball to the Pat’s 40, but Billy Cundiff comes up juuuuuuuust short on the 58-yard FG attempt.   The Brownies (4-9) have 3 games to make 10 losses.  After this one, I think it’s in the bag.

Next loss:  Chicago

Blank Helmet Defense- ball, helmet, no body

ATLANTA 21, GREEN BAY 22

One of two teams to make it to 10 losses yesterday (the Redskinks being the other), the Falcons continue to make it abundantly clear they can lose to anybody, because they can lose to a team led by Matt Flynn.  Flynn even spotted the Failcons a pick-six in the second quarter, a 71-yard thing of beauty.  And the Slack-Pack defense was doing its part, staking Atlanta to a 21-10 lead.  But, it’s really hard to lose to a team that stops playing after half-time.  Those half-time speeches must be real doozies in the Falcon locker room. 3-10 and a contender. 

HUGE NEXT GAME:  REDSKINS (3-10), biggest game of the year in the Doormat.  HUGE. I’m making extra canapés and petite sausages. Did I say huge?

YIKINGS 26, RAVENS 29  (SNOW GAME II)

Please please please don’t fire Leslie Frazier yet.  Let him coach!  At 3-9-1 the Vikes can still pull out the  NFC Doormat Championship.  They could get to the Basement Bowl, or whatever we call it.   In probably the most insane point pile up in the 4^th quarter this year, the Edgar Allen Poes and the Yikes (how often do you see 2 teams wearing purple, anyway?) take turns giving up the lead, but the Yikes have the last laugh, giving up one more improbable Ravens TD with 0:04 seconds to go.  Joe Flacco throws 3 interceptions, but the Vikes shrug it off and take the loss like the pros they are.  WOW.

Next loss:  EAGLES

BILLS 6, BUCANNEERS 27

11 penalties for 114 yards.  4 interceptions.  7 punts.  1-11 on 3^rd down.  I don’t know when they found time to kick two field goals. The Nils outclassed the Bucanneers yesterday in every phase of the game.  The Bucs still had less first downs than the other team (which they do every week), but their current recipe seems to be to score really long TDs.   Winners of 4 of their last 5,  the Bucs are now 4-9, and one wonders if they are going to get the coveted 10 losses.  The Bills sure are.  And soon. 

Next Loss:  Jacksonville

LAMBS 10, CARDINALS 30

The Lambs (5-8) aren’t getting any respect around here, and that’s really not fair.  The forgotten long-time member of the Basement, playing in the toughest division in the NFL, the Lambies have 6 sure losses on the sched this year, and with New Orleans, Tampa (who is suddenly a tough out) and Seattle on the remainder, the Lambs can make it to 11.   They won’t win the Moldy Carpet, but it keeps the culture going in St. Louis.   11 penalties, 2 interceptions, 3-11 on third down, a safety, a pick-six.  Just great work.

Next loss:  SAINTS

RAIDERS 27, JETS 37

The Faders are terrible on the road, never win back East, and managed to lose to what has been the worst team in the league the last 3 weeks.  They made Geno Smith look good.  Somebody better go out to the Al Davis crypt and make sure the lid’s on tight. 

Next loss: CHIEFS

PITTSBURGH 28, MIAMI 34

Losing by pulling off a 5 or 6-lateral play on the final play of the game that was going for the winning touchdown but your guy stepped out of bounds at the 12 just because he did and nobody touched him cannot be topped.  And do it at home.  Whoo.  Steelers reeling at 5-8 and a clear shot at 10 losses.

Next loss:  Bengals

REDSKINS 10,  CHIEFS 45

The ‘tasteful’ Native American nickname vs. the Pretty Tacky Native American nickname game.   Redskins took care of business early, spotting the Chiefs a whopping 31-0 lead by the second quarter.  After their lone touchdown, the Redskins allowed the most leisurely 95-yard kick-off return for a touchdown (by Quintin Demps) in the history of football.  Hitting the magic 10 loss mark, the Deadskins are alive in the Run to the Moldy Carpet

Next week:  FALCONS.  The big game.

DOORMAT DIVISION NFL WEEK 14 STANDINGS

NFC                                                        .

                           W-L         PF-PA

Washington          3-10        279-407

Atlanta                3-10         282-362

Minnesota            3-9-1       315-395

Tampa Bay           4-9          244-291

NY Giants             5-8         251-334

AFC                                                          .

Houston               2-11        250-350

Jacksonville         4-9         201-372

Cleveland             4-9         257-324

Raiders                 4-9         264-337

Buffalo                 4-9         273-334

aaaAAAND That's the View From the Basement!!