Just when you thought the endless wandering in the Bonehead Forest-- far scarier place than Mirkwood--was over, and you could go back to the basement for some serious football with nifty craft beers and those cool black corn chips with Paul Newman salsa...the Doormats emerge again!
This time it was in truly epic fashion as the Kansas City Chiefs--who won the Doormat Bowl last year despite an impressive performance by Michael Vic--truly found a way to lose to the Colts--who won the Doormat Bowl two years ago. Of course, the Colts are doormat posers who only managed a 2-14 season in 2011 because Peyton Manning had a broken neck. It was a total fluke year and everyone here in the Doormat Cave knows it.
But the Chiefs are a losing machine and they have been doing it for a very long time. The Colts were no match for them this year and, despite managing a 38-10 deficit early in the second half, the Colts were not able to hold on for the loss and they roared back in the fourth quarter to get the win. I guess someone forgot to tell Luck it the goal is to stay away from the goal line. For the Chiefs, it was truly one of the greatest come from ahead losses of all time. You have to hand it to them, but we won't. Instead, let's just open another beer.
And now we turn to another Doormat performance in the playoffs. Our beloved Beagles, picked to be a Moldy Carpet contender this year after a near-miss loss in the Doormat Bowl last year, managed to put in a third-rate performance in a wild card playoff with the Saints and, in true Doormat style, waltzed into immediate irrelevance for the rest of the 2013 season and playoffs. No one will remember you got soundly beaten in a wild card game after winning a really weak division. However, we will tip our doormat Chuks to Chip Kelly. He did turn the ship around—and it was a big fat ship at that—and it looks like we will not see the Beagles in the basement for many years to come.
Let’s face it. We love our doormats, and we secretly love it when they win. Wait, forget that. It’s no secret. We love it when they win! Unfortunately, all of our upstart doormats are out of the playoffs and now the Seasonal Affective Disorder sets in because there is little left to interest a Doormat Denizen now that Washington and Houston have locked up their conferences. Yes, there is still the Doormat Bowl—which will be in Sochi as the Russians let them play a game just before the Olympics to test out the sec urity situation—but somehow it is a letdown. Why can’t Doormats have a playoff too?
Well, they can. Announcing the first-ever Doormat Playoffs. Each game will be played the Monday after the real NFL teams play a real playoff game or Super Bowl.
Here is the Doormat Wild Card line up for Mon., Jan. 6, 2014. Wow, the Kittens are in the playoffs after all!
Cleveland at Jacksonville
Tennessee at Buffalo
NY Giants at Minnesota
Detroit Lions at Atlanta
Stay tuned for results tomorrow!
Wait! I thought the Doormat Bowl was being played in India?
ReplyDeleteHm, maybe I got that wrong. I have a feeling the Russians are going to decide it's not that funny anyway. OK, gang, vote for where you would like to see the Doormat Bowl in 2014.
ReplyDeleteCorrection, one perennial doormat is still in the playoffs: the Carolina Pansies.
ReplyDeleteGreat Line: "You have to hand it to them, but we won't." Hey, let's not leave out the Cincinnati Bungles, who, after not posting consecutive winning records for 20+ years, switch gears and get in the playoffs two years in a row, and then lose in the first round. It's just all in how you play your Doormat cards.
ReplyDeleteNow, the same can be said for the Chiefs for next year- should they re-tool and tank back into the Basement (say, 4-12) or go for the bigger fan torture, and make the playoffs again and then blow it on the big stage? Andy Reid set the bar for Biggest Slide last year, starting the Eagles at 3-1 and finishing 4-12. This year, they started 9-0 and finished 11-5 (11-6 with playoff loss). Maybe Andy just didn't start the slide soon enough.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just to be clear, I have no control over where the Basement Bowl is played- I was just agreeing that India sounded good. It's Walkfish and the Commish who decide on the site. Though, i could do with a lamb vindaloo right about now. Clear out the sinuses.
ReplyDeleteIt was a big slide for Reid, just started it a bit too late in the year... and I do believe the cheeps will be back in the basement next season.
ReplyDeleteIf they still have Smith, they will be 8-8 at least. If he leaves....3-13!
ReplyDeleteAtlanta was a poser this year, just like the Dolts in 2011. Next year they win their division. We won't miss them in the basement.
ReplyDelete