2014 DOORMAT CHAMPIONS!
What a finish yesterday, Doormat fans. We've got a straight-up tie for the MOLDY CARPET trophy, and looks like we're going to need a DOORMAT BOWL to decide the winner. If we use our own system of tiebreakers, I guess the Titanics take it with the greater point differential, but I say we send these two teams to another far-flung hinterland to duke it out themselves!
The Tennessee Titanics wrapped up their season yesterday with a no-doubter from kick-off to the last ticks of the clock, while the Tampa Bay Buccaneers saw dangerously built a sizable half time lead, but came through all the same in the end to notch their 14th loss. Hats off to Bucs coach Lovie Smith and Titanic coach Ken "Whizz" Whisenhunt for presiding over such masterful work. No parity for THESE guys.
AFC
TENNESSEE TITANICS (2-14)
NFC
TAMPA BAY BOOTINEERS (2-14)
DOORMAT DIVISION FINAL STANDINGS WEEK 17
THE STANDINGS
DOORMAT DIVISION , WEEK 16
NFC W-L PF PA DIFF
x-Tampa Bay 2-14 277 410 -133
Washington 4-12 301 438 -137
Chicago 5-11 319 442 -123
NY Giants 6-10 380 400 -20
Atlanta 6-10 381 417 -36
St Louis 6-10 324 354 -30
AFC
x-Tennessee 2-14 254 438 -184
Oakland 3-13 253 452 -199
Jacksonville 3-13 249 412 -163
NY Jets 4-12 283 401 -118
Cleveland 7-9 2299 337 -38
Game of the Week:
BUCS 20, SAINTS 23
I have to assume that the ghost of deceased Bucs owner Malcom Glazer, complete with football helmets linked together in a chain, appeared before the Boots during half-time in the locker room and set them straight on what the point of football present was- to lose the game so that football future would mean the #1 pick in the 2015 NFL draft. Changed men- or at least reverting to form- the Bucs come out after halftime and cease scoring while guiding the Saints to 16 fourth-quarter points, nailing down the loss. They threw in a gratuitous safety with a minute to go to put a little frosting on the season. What a performance.
CRUCIAL GAMES:
TITANS 10, COLTS 27
The Titans had to lose to win the Doormat AFC outright and have a shot at the Moldy Carpet. It was no problem- QB Charlie Whitehurst goes 12-18 for 79 yards (50 net), the Sinkers get 9 first downs, they fumble 4 times, and just boy howdy do they know how to lose a game, and lose it quickly.
GIANTS 26, EAGLES 34
It was close for a while, they racked up 505 yards of offense...but they still lost! The Giants make it to 10 losses in style, and are in the 10 Club for 2014.
RAMS 6, THE ANNOYING SEAHAWKS 20
Another great halftime nap takes a 6-0 lead and flips it to 20-6, and the Lambs just make TEN big big losses on the season. Never ever count out the St. Louis Lambs in their quest to stay in the basement.
There is something special, also, about having your last 'scoring' play be a 49-yard pick-six for the opposition. Savor it.
ATLANTA 3, CAROLINA 34
Speaking of special, how about coming into a game and having a shot at either winning your division and hosting a playoff game at 7-9, or finishing up your year with 10 losses and a winter of cheap beer and moldy carpeting in the Basement? The Falcons had that shot, and they came roaring out of the gate with some of the finest Doormat play money can sign underperforming free agents for! TWO pick-sixes, TWO. It was 24-3 by halftime and the season was already over! Failcons TOPPED the Lambs with their final pick-six- they pulled it off on the last play of the game. Just WOW.
This, by the by, sets up the Panthers as the Doormat entry into the playoffs at 7-8-1, and they host the Arizona Cardinals, a team that can't get out of its own way right now. By God, the Panthers are going to win next week and advance to the 2nd round.
CLEVELAND 10, BROWNS 20
It looked dicey for a minute there, with a third string QB in there and the Ravens playing like garbage men dancing the Nutcracker. But the Blank Helmets did it- they lost one more time, finishing 7-9 to end a season that saw them in first place at one point, and now dead last in the AFC North.
RAIDERS 14, BRONCOS 47
The Raiders come within ONE point of having a -200 point differential, an almost un-heard of total even for Doormat teams. So very very close. Punter Marquette King clobbers 9 punts, and finishes the year with 109, only 5 shy of the all-time record, held by Punts McFooten of the Chicago Staleys in 1935. Ok I made that up.
BEARS 9, VIKINGS 13
They almost froze to death. It took ONE touchdown to win this game, and the Bears handed it to the Vikes on a bomb from QB Terry Bridgewater for the Yikings. The Yikes can't cash in and make it to 10 losses on the season. Better luck next year, team!
FIRED: Trestman, Ryan, Smith
Roll those head coaching heads! Chicago sacks Marc Trestman, the Jets fire Rex Ryan (and general manager John Idzik), and the Falcons ax Mike Smith. Idzik is possibly the biggest boob of the bunch.
THE 10 CLUB
The 10 CLUB membership requires at least 10 losses on the season.
The Browns miss the 10 club, ending their streak of 6 straight years.
Buffalo also missed out (5 straight years) so here we go:
JACKSONVILLE 3-13 (four years in a row)
TAMPA BAY 2-14 (2 years in a row)
WASHINGTON 4-12 (2 years)
OAKLAND 3-13 (2 years)
ATLANTA 6-10 (2 years)
NY Jets 4-12
TENNESSEE 2-14
NY GIANTS 6-10
ST. LOUIS 6-10
CHICAGO 5-11
OKAY I hear TEN teams knocking on the sliding door of the patio, with their new membership cards in hand, I gotta stop typing and let them in, and tell them the rules for the Basement. It's been another great ride this season, folks, I hope you enjoyed it. We'll be back with some awards for the season later this week.
CHEERS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR from
THE BASEMENT!!
Where's the Doormat Bowl going to be?
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