THE BEST NAMES IN PRO FOOTBALL

THE BEST NAMES IN PRO FOOTBALL

We all do it.  There you are, innocently watching a football game, without a care in the world (football viewing, as we know, is totally calming and causes viewers zero stress), when the announcer tells you the name of the guy who just got called for holding and you think– “what?  That can’t be his name.  What parents would name their kid D’Brickashaw??"  When you realize he’s a gigantic offensive tackle who is, in fact, like a brick wall, he becomes one of the best names in football.

But, Shirley, that’s rare.  How many oddball names can there be in football?  Think again!  Some names are perfect football names, some sound like they should be in another line of work, some- some you just know the nickname machine never stops in the locker room, and some are just plain fun. 

For today, the Doormat Division expands its roster to the entire NFL to bring you our list of the Most Amusing, Unusual and Appropriate Names in Football.

THE BEST NAMES:

1.     D’Brickashaw Ferguson, T, Jets.   Still #1, just try and run through this guy. Almost like “A Boy Named Sue” kind of deal.

2.     Barkevious Mingo, LB, Browns.  We had our eye on Barky clear back in college and we’re proud he made it to the big time, because the NFL needed this name.  And how can you not love a linebacker whose name sounds like a mischievous wild dog? Plus your sidekick in a western on psychedelics?

3.     Phil Loadholt, T, Vikings.  At 6’8”, 345lbs, I’ll bet he’s a Loadholt, and can fill up a XXXL suit pretty fast. How can you not be a lineman with this name?

4.     Obum Gwachum, DE, Saints (6’5”, 246) Sasquatch really should have come up with a better alias.  It’s kind of obvious.

5.     Ndamukong Suh, DT, Dolphins.  Yeah, you’re just used to him, now.  But, face it, this names sounds like a destroyer of worlds. 

6.     Whitney Mercilus, LB, Texans.  Another great linebacker name.  It may not be Dick Butkus (the absolute “Boy Name Sue” name), but it’ll do.

7.     Baccari Rambo, S, Bills.  If they’d just slip a ‘d’ into Baccari, we’d really be in business here.

8.     Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, S, Packers.  If you get needled about your name in the locker room, how do you respond?  You can’t say “ha-ha, very funny.”  Or maybe it just escalates to “I’ll show YOU ha-ha.”  Also, a “ha-ha” is a sunken fence, so I like how he’s the hidden D-fense, lying in wait, in the secondary. 

9.     Hroniss Grasu, C, Bears.  This is what happens when you try to say ‘yes sir, your honor’ when you’re already tipsy at the law court Christmas party.  Of course, this is most likely a perfectly fine name from another culture, so I should just shut up.  Have another mimosa?

10.  Aaron Ripowski, FB, Packers.  His stiff-arm will take your HEAD OFF.

11.  Jadeveon Clowney, LB, Texans.  Maybe if he was “Ja’sad Clowney” he’d be farther up the list.  Missed opportunity, really.

12. Vontaze Burfict, LB, Bengals.  After you get clocked by this guy a couple times, you definitely fall into a vontaze,  and some guys have to find a bucket and burfict.   Or maybe it’s a condition.  “vontaze burfict.”  Perhaps he had it when he was born (it’s not serious, wears off in a couple weeks), and the doctor filled it in the wrong place in the chart, and things just snowballed from there. 

13.  Brian Anger, Punter, Jags.  Get mad at that ball.  Kick it to Hawa’ii!  Remember all the doubters!  Get pissed!  Kick ‘em to the curb!  Kick ‘em to the MOON.  Punt! Punt! Punt! Punt!- whoa, sorry.

14.  Chad Slade, G, Texans.  I hope his hair is to his butt and the heavy metal is louder than bejeezus at his place.  If his first name was ‘Char’ it’d be pure gold.

15.   Ray-Ray Armstrong, LB, Raiders.  His nickname is ‘Bob.’

16.   Danny Woodhead, RB, Chargers.  I don’t think we have to worry about concussions for Danny.

17.  K’Waum Williams and Tramon Williams, DB, Browns.  Oh, confusion. A coach has had to have this happen:  Hey K’mon, c'waun over here for the next drill!!

18. Boom Herron, Tank Carradine, Boobie Dixon, Ziggy Hood, Tyler Shatley,  Tank Carder, Fozzy Whitaker, Cave Braxston-  all solid football names.  Although maybe we shouldn’t have Fozzy block so much. He looks unsteady.

19.  Hebron Fangupo, DL, Chiefs.  I’m not going anywhere with this.  I just love this name.

20. Golden Tate, WR, Lions.  Every time, every time, I hear the announcer call his name, I yell back a the screen “That’s GOLDEN STATE.”  Geez, get it right.

21.  Jake Stoneburner, TE, Dolphins.   If that doesn’t sound like OVER 5% Neanderthal, nothing does.  I’m 3.9% myself, and proud of it.  All the band-aids for the knuckle dragging is kind of annoying, but I’m used to it.

22.  And then, there’s the Kitchen Team, led by, of course, Ishmaa’ily Kitchen, with Piere Garçon waiting table, Le’Ron Hamm on entrée, and Junior Galette dishing up pastry.  These guys are all on the ‘Skins.  Should they finally change the team name, I nominate “The Fats.” Think about it- Washinton Fats.  If they can pull off some trades, they could get Frostee Rucker, Cyril Lemon, Corey Lemonier (pronounced lemon-yay),  Orie Lemon, and Jaquiski Tartt!  Jaquiski is a 49er. I gotta get a local bakery on this.

23.  Jaquiski (and also Jovorskie Lane) brings up a most welcome development in the wild first name derby by our much appreciated African-American community- who are hands down the improv kings.   Sure they sprinkle in apostrophes like cayenne in the eggs, but when you reach the point where your first name looks like a polish last name, you are really getting somewhere in football names.  Could Ja’warski Legurski be coming soon?

24.  Chris Banjo, S, Packers.  Since most wide receivers are trying to get away from safeties, and most people try to put some distance between themselves and any banjo, this is perfect.

25. Ego Ferguson, DL, Bears.  “Ego, it’s a team game. Team.”

26.  Christian Ringo, DT, Packers.  No list is complete without at least one Beatles reference- didn’t Ringo Starr star in “The Magic Christian”?   Please tell me his parents knew this. 

Well, I’m sure I missed a few, so don’t hesitate to add to the list.   Have a fabulous Football Weekend, or if you are keeping busy by giving birth on Sunday, please don't chicken out- GO FOR IT when the moment for the name comes.  GO WILD!!!   

{we would like to add that we love a well-turned phrase, and any name that sounds like it should be in a Dickens novel is very high on our list.  We make our humor with a lot of appreciation for those with the most unique names, because it would be a very boring world if we were all Joe Brown.  And how would Joe Brown feel if we were?  I hope no one takes offense, and can join in the fun.-ed}

aaAAAAAnd That’s the View from the Basement!!!!!!!!

-wacko