BLANKING OUT
Cleveland, city of light...city of magic. Cleveland, city of light, you're calling me. Cleveland, even now I can remember, the Cuyahoga River, goes smoking through my dreams- (Randy Newman).
You know, that's starting to sound like good times. Could things get any worse over there in the land of NO LOGOS? Wearing emptiness like a badge, the Cleveland Browns can now express the true Zen in losing, because, by whimpering-beer-bloated Browns Fan, they have meditated on it until their navals starting popping our little Brownie guys.
BROWNS -10, BENGALS 31
Yeah, I know that was way back on Thursday. So sue me. You'll get the Kaypro I'm typing on, a roll orange of duct tape, and what I think is a dog. The Browns are now 2-7, and have taken over the lead in the Doormat AFC, muscling their broad-shouldered way (you know, like broads in the '80's) to Johnny Manziel's cooler. We just have to hope they don't fire anybody. Stay the course.
Next loss: The Steelers, in Pittsburgh.
TITANS 34, SAINTS 28 (OT)
Here's a perfect example, the Titans, who blew out the Bucs in game 1 this season, and then ran off six towering failures in a row, fire their proven Doormat coach (Ken "Whizzy" Whisenhunt), and all of a sudden the front line starts blocking. Titans QB Marcus Mariota gets all day to throw (thank you, NOLA), and pulls out an overtime win. Titans now trail Brownies by a game in the loss column- the only column that counts.
DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 9
NFC
W-L PF-PA
Kittens 1-7 125 - 149
Cowboys 2-6 160 - 204
daBares 2-5 140 - 202
Cowboys 2-6 160 - 204
daBares 2-5 140 - 202
Whiners 3-6 126 - 133
Bootineers 3-5 181 - 231
Deadskins 3-5 158 - 195
AFC
W-L PF-PA
Browns 2-7 177 - 247
Browns 2-7 177 - 247
Titanics 2-6 159 - 187
Chargers 2-6 191 - 227
Gaguars 2-6 170 - 235
Cravens 2-5 190 - 214
Gaguars 2-6 170 - 235
Cravens 2-5 190 - 214
Toxins 3-5 174 - 205
WHINERS 17, FALCONS 16
In another example of upsetting the apple cart, the 49ers bench Colin Kampervan Beethoven and Blaine Gabbert- yes that Blaine Gabbert- steps in and...the Niners scored a touchdown for the first time since the last piece of concrete was swept up at Candlestick. Forced to play the Atlanta Falcons, they go wild and score TWO, leaving the Whiners with nowhere to go but the victory circle. Does beating Atlanta count as a win against a team with a winning record?
COWBOYS 27, EAGLES 33 (OT)
It took everything they had, but they brought home the bacon bits. 2-6 and owners of a 6 game losing streak, tying the longest of the season. Good God, they're only a game behind the LIONS. Moo.
WASHINGTON FATS 10, PATRIOTS 27
Nothing special, just a workman-like loss, leaving gaps, blowing a coverage, a fumble here, an interception there, wait until the game is completely out of reach before scoring a touchdown- the doormat 'moral victory,' and then hit the after-game spread.
BUCS 18, GIANTS 32
I'm sorry, it's not six field goals. My hopes got pretty high, there, but NO. Three lost fumbles really helps, though, so the Bootineers still get a gold star.
TONIGHT:
Chicago (2-5) vs. San Diego (2-6)
It should be sputendous. We will be serving the fritos, mayo and flat beer at 6:00.
aaaaAAAAnd THAT'S the VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!!!!
What no comments? After all this great football? We Doormat fans know that watching teams like Philly and Dallas or Atlanta and SF or Chucago and San Diego bumble their way through a game is far more entertaining than watching the Patriots dissect the Redskins. That pic six by Philly was just perfect.
ReplyDeleteThe Chicago- San Diego game had it all. That was a great game from any perspective. I almost hate to say it, but that was a seriously emotional win for the Bears. Of course, the Retreaters are in HARD retreat, and cannot win a game to save their flimsy lives.
ReplyDeleteYep, Da Bares had life and were determines to win one. Retreaters were believers; they believed they could lose. I have not seen a team rack up so many yards and still lose. It's an art.
ReplyDeletethe retreaters are looming to be a record setter. So many yards, so little points. I thought they were going to win on monday night. well actually they did win one for the basement.
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about this, too. Philip Rivers has always teetered dangerously close to losing a lot of ballgames, but pulling out just enough to keep his job. He's had some monster games...and they lose! I really wonder if they have the highest average yardage for a 2-6 team ever. They're pretty damn close, at least.
ReplyDeletecan somebody look this up? not just this season but also for his career ? Rivers has been one of the greats, but do they ever make the playoffs? or at least advance past the wildcard round? Maybe now he has put it all together just right in order to hang out in the basement !!! bet nobody in SD has thought of this, but then again it could spur the move to Carson CA I was hearing about tonite.... which oddly would spur the RRRaiders to move to SD ! WTF NFL ??!!! can’t you do anything right?
DeleteRivers has been in the playoffs 5 times, 4 of those in his first 4 years, when the Chargers had a defense. They played the Patriots in the AFC final in 2007- then the Pats played the Giants and we know what happened there. The Chars won two playoff games that year, WC and DIV. All other years were Divisional playoffs, which they lost. The have won two other WC games in that time- in 2013, the last time they made the playoffs, they beat the incredibly mediocre Bengals, then lost to Denver in a wild game that saw Rivers lead the team to 17 4th quarter points, nearly catching the Broncos, but lost 24-17. As far as highest yardage average with worst record, oh MY that would take some digging. But if this goes on, we may have to try. New Orleans would win it, but now they've won a couple games. The NYG would be candidates the last couple years, but, again, they always end up winning a few more. The Chargers are racking up a lot of yards, and have lost 6 straight.
ReplyDeleteSo, to be clear, they've won 3 Wild card games with Rivers, and then the Div game and then lost Conference championship game that year (2007). Their record the last 6 out of the last 7 years, they've been either 7-9, 8-8, or 9-7. They've OWNED the Parity Division. It's time to head to the basement for the Chars.
ReplyDelete