Doormat Quarterbacks: Blanda But Satisfying

Fitting for the week of Halloween, a dead quarterback--Colt McCoy--rose from the Doormat Memorial Gardens, Crematorium, and Cemetery and staggered into the stadium where- like two-ply toilet tissue fluttering in the trees--the voices of long-dead native Americans groaned as the Redskins took the field against an overconfident Dallas Cowboys. It was Cowboys and Injuns for over 60 minutes of horrific defense, tortured offense, and gruesome quarterbacking. Like any good horror film, everyone made the worst possible decision at every opportunity. "No, don't throw the ball now, not now! Ahhhhhhh!"

In the end, the Redskins got their revenge.

It was Doormat glory, and speaking of glory and bad quarterbacking, here are some interesting facts from the Doormat Hall of Blame:

George Blanda holds a record that might never be beaten, even in this modern era of quarterbacks throwing 30-40-50 passes a game. The all-time leader for most interceptions in one season goes to George, who tossed 42 interceptions while guiding the Houston Oilers to a-- wait a minute, could it be true?--an 11-3 season. Wow. Though Houston was one of the worst teams of all time in 1964-65, they nearly won the AFC in 1962, dropping the final playoff game to the Dallas Texans. Hm, the Toxins? Another Halloween tidbit there. So they are a "reanimated" team as well. The Oilers set a record for fumbles and turnovers that year. How did they do it? Because they had a winner-George.

Winner or loser, we have to recognize a true great, George Blanda. Probably the only short relief quarterback in NFL history, and one of the best and worst of all time.

So how does he stack up to Peyton Manning?

                                    Manning     Blanda
Total Yrds Passing      8704           4007
Completions                5706            1911
Percentage                     65.6%       47.7%
Interceptions                 222             277
Int. %                              2.6              6.9

But I would pay double to see George play in his prime over Manning.

Look at that form...

Hey, check out the dust, now that's football...

So Who Really Is the Worst NFL Team?

The Doormat Division has a storied history of bumbling and fumbling to the most extreme levels of boneheaded badness. But which city or franchise is the all-time doormat?

Well, here are few facts to help answer that question.

Since the beginning of the modern era (the first Super Bowl and the advent of Howard Cosell) we have tracked the biggest doormat from each league/conference, and through detailed statistical analysis, and a few spins of the frozen turkey, have determined the NFL/NFC and AFL/AFC Doormat Champions and each year's winner of the Moldy Carpet Trophy in the Doormat Bowl.

You can see the complete list here: Doormat Champion History.

Here are the teams with the most appearances in the Doormat Bowl:

AFC

Kansas City- 6

Houston- 6 (once as Texans)

Buffalo- 5

Cinncinati-5

New England- 4

NFC

New Orleans- 7

Tampa Bay- 6 (once as an AFC, but 6 total)

Arizona (Phoenix, never at St. Louis)- 5

Atlanta- 4

Detroit- 4

NY Giants- 4

And the teams with the most Moldy Carpet Trophies are

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Houston- 5 (all as the Oilers)

New Orleans- 3

New England- 3

Detroit- 3

Buffalo- 3

Tampa Bay- 3

From these numbers, it's hard to call an all-time doormat champion, but Houston is a strong favorite with 6 AFC Doormat championships and 5 Moldy Carpets. However, New Orleans (7 and 3) and Tampa Bay (6 and 3) are close. Kansas City has 6 appearances in the Doormat Bowl, but couldn't get the loss.

By the way, the only two perfect Doormat Seasons are Tampa Bay (0-14) in 1976 and Detroit (0-16) in 2008.

We will be posting final season standings and other stats later. Maybe then we can do a little more analysis to determine who is really the Worst City in the NFL

Tailgating Doormat Style

The Vegan Hotdog with its signature gray color and modeled texture

NFL football is not the same without a good tailgate party before the game, but what if your team is a doormat? What makes for the perfect doormat division tailgate buffet? Vegan, of course.

The best way to serve a vegan hotdog is boiled for twenty minutes in vegetable broth. This usually gives the hotdog a nice squeaky-on-the-tooth bite as it pops open and spurts hot vegetable broth into your mouth.

Covered with really hot Chinese mustard and arugula and served on a whole-grain, unleavened bun, this hotdog  will have a mashy consistency that will really let you know you are in the NFL cellar.

Serve your vegan hotdog with salt-free, organically-grown vegetable chips, baked not fried, a nice Kosher  pickle, and Ranier beer.

Of course, that is if you feel like a loser. But, hey, none of us really feel like losers, right? I'm serving Italian beef sandwiches, potato chips with avocado dip (lots and lots of garlic please) and an ice-cold quart of Ranier.

What would you serve at the perfect Doormat tailgate party?