Doormat Division: NFL Week 10 Report

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS WEEK 10

AFC

Kansas City      1-8      -110

Jacksonville      1-8     -119

Cleveland         2-7      -42

Oakland           3-6      -93

Buffalo             3-6      -74

NFC

Carolina           2-7       -53

Washington     3-6       -22

Philadelphia    3-6       -65

St. Louis          3-5-1    -49

U. of Phoenix  4-5      -29

THE GAMES WEEK 10 REVIEW

CHIEFS 13,  STEELERS 16 (OT)

First of all, let's take care of the miracle in Pittsburgh last night.  The Cheaps scored FIRST for the first time this year, and LED during a game for the first time this year.  For an entire half and some change, which is some rarified air, let me tell you.  They almost won the game, but let's not get out of control.

Just as we were marveling at how the Lambs can find almost anyway to screw up a win (but they didn't lose, did they?) the Cheaps step up and show how it's done.  If Matt Cassel is starting for an NFL team next year, it'll be because there was a plane crash with every available 2nd string quarterback on board and they will be Lost in the South Pacific for all time.   4-8-15-16-23-42.  Hike!

Where it's going, nobody knows....

and if it does get there,  there's no telling what will happen.

You're damned if you do and damned if you don't in Kansas City these days.  Cheaps receivers are so used to the ball going just about anywhere on the field, except at them, when it comes out of the pocket  there's a concentration problem.  Like, if the teacher would just call on you every single time, you're going to start snagging those questions, right?  80%, right?  Well, maybe not here in the Basement, but most people.   But, geez, she only calls on you when you're lost in a reverie about Stephanie Kramm's fuzzy sweater and WHAT?  So who can blame old "Flipper Hands" Bowe for dropping an alarming number of passes as the season slips by.....

No matter.   Steelers QB Big Ben checks out of the game with a shoulder owie and Bryan Leftwich (why isn't this guy left-handed?) proves that it takes just one guy to turn a team into a doormat.  The Cheaps tie the game, holy cow, and enter OT and get the ball first.  Matt Cassell IMMEDIATELY throws an interception on a pass that had .0000001% chance of being completed and the Steelers intercept, and kick a field goal and GOOD NIGHT.

I say they run rookie QB Alex Tanney ( from mighty Monmouth College) out there.  He's 6-4, 220 and he's alive.  What more do you want?   30 turnovers is just enough.  Unless, unless.. you're going for the record!  That's going to take some doing- it's 63 by the 1976 San Francisco 49ers.   The Niners were so bad that year that announcer Lon Simmons was basically doing a stand-up act by the 2nd quarter.  He's still the funniest sports announcer I've ever heard.  I tuned in the games, hoping it would be a blow-out early just to hear what he would do.

The Cheaps are so bad I put them ahead of Jacksonville in the standings, even though their point differential says differently.   I think Jacksonville kills these guys.

JACKSONVILLE 10,  INDIANAPOLIS 27

It wasn't pretty, but the Gaguars got it done again.   Last time these guys met, the Gags pulled out a last second victory on a play that had no business going 80 yards.   Not to worry, they've worked out the kinks now, and are sailing free....Andrew Luck torches the Gags and Colts rocket out of the basement, all the way up to 6-3.  They could STILL finish 6-10, but I think these guys go 9-7 at least.  

30th in passing!  30th in rushing!  23rd in pass D!  29th in rush D!   yow!!

Gaguars are the silent assassins of the Doormat, flying under the radar.   Who's next on their hit list?

HOUSTON.   Houston, we have clear sailing!

EAGLES 23,  COWBOYS 38

Eagles are now in full implosion mode.  Michael Vick is out, probably ending his hopes for the fumbles record for a season.

PANTHERS 14,  BRONCOS 36

The Pansies won a game last week, and that was just exhausting.  They scored the first touchdown in this one, and then......zzzzzzzzzz.   Still leading the NFC division and who, I say, WHO is going to touch them?   Next loss:  the suddenly scary Buccaneers!  Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of aspirin.

DEC 2nd,  the TOILET BOWL will be played early

KANSAS CITY vs.  CAROLINA  in K.C.  Be THERE!!!!!!!!

6.327 tickets available (that's the most I've seen this year)

JETS 7,  SEAHAWKS 28

Changing of the guard.   Jets the statistical leaders this week in futility.

UPSET OF THE WEEK

SAINTS 31, FALCONS 27

This game is always huge in NOLA.  I was having the oyster po'boy of my life in a little diner in New Orleans when Atlanta was in town for a game once, and when the game started, the whole diner just slowed down, nobody left their seat, and the waitress let us know we didn't have to move an inch the rest of the night.  I ordered another po'boy and a pitcher of beer.  Better than any tailgate ever.

The Saints are back in action and heading out of the Doormat.  Geaux, Saints.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

RAIDERS 20,  RAVENS 555

If the Raydurzzz hadn't had the Cheaps and the Gaguars on their schedule, they'd be 1-8.  But, those are the breaks and you gotta play your schedule and tough nuts to the team that can't blow it against the Cheaps or Gags.  Get with the program.

The Raiders can't run, can't defend, can't cover special teams, can't be coached, have no coach, what does it matter?  The Silver and Blacked out are just kicking Al Davis's tomb now.   We SORRY, Al, we thought you were the problem.  At least Carson Palmer didn't have to throw the pressure-packed killer interception.  He got the day off.

CHARGERS 24, BUCS 43

Blots -BOLTS, sorry- QB Philip Rivers does it again.  This guy is Doormat all-star.  TWO, count 'em, TWO killer 4th quarter interceptions, one for a pick-six late.  Just just stellar.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

RAMS 24,  49ERS 24 (OT)

I guess it's not really fair to call this the Stiff of the Week, but when the Lambs kept finding ways to not win and the 49ers kept dealing right back at them, what else can you say?  It was a TIE, it's gotta be stiff of the week. I'll bet Alex Smith's neck is stiff of the week.  That was the weirdest dive to the turf this year.  SLIDE, Alex.  Damn.  Back-up Colin Kaepernick, though greeeeeeen,  looks pretty amazing.  At least he can see over the line, something unseen in SF in 7 years.   Most of the fans and players, by the way, remained seated, waiting for the second overtime to begin.   Dum-de-dum.   The Rams have now lost to the 49ers 473 times in a row.  Sure feels that way for sports fans in St. Louis and gosh they must be loving this San Francisco-beating-them thing right about now.   Rematch in a few weeks.

aaaAAAAAAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!!!!

(stats later)