The Doormat Division: NFL Week 11 Report

THE DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 11 STANDINGS

NFC

CHICAGO              7-3      +84  

CAROLINA           2-8      -59

PHILADELPHIA  3-7      -90

ST. LOUIS              3-6-1   -63

U. OF PHOENIX   4-6      -63

DETROIT               4-6      -10 

AFC

KANSAS CITY      1-9     -132

JACKSONVILLE  1-9     -125

CLEVELAND        2-8     -45

OAKLAND             3-7      -114

TENNESSEE         4-6      -92

BUFFALO              4-6      -69

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

BEARS 7,  49ERS 32

   

True, New England racked up 59 points on the Colts, but this was a serious beat-down so bad, Da Bears get an honorary top slot in the NFC Doormat this week.  The Bears played one of the most unprepared games I can remember in recent memory of division leaders squaring off late in the season.  Journeyman QB Jason "Micromanager" Campbell gets pig-piled on by the Smith brothers, and the Bear defense underestimates 49er QB Colin Kaepernick by about 1000%.   The Bears did nothing.  Zip.  There were some loooooong faces in the locker room and at the press conference.  

A year ago, Campbell was leading the Oakland Raiders to a 4-2 record,  playing confidently, if conservatively, and looking like a guy who was in charge.  Then Carson Palmer came swaggering into town with his special skill set, and guided the Raiders to a bumbling 8-8 finish while the Raiders tossed Campbell under the bus.   He hasn't recovered.   

OVERTIME DERBY

What's worse,  playing like a true loser from the opening kickoff and sending your fans home early, or taking it right to the winning cliff in overtime but still finding a way to lose?  I'll take the latter-  because you KNOW your guys are gonna find a way, so why be put through the torture?

JACKSONVILLE 37, HOUSTON 43  (OT)

And who better to carry the banner than the Jaguars- losers of THREE overtime games on the road this year?

The Gaguars tantalized their fans with a 34-20 lead early in the 4th quarter yesterday, but then finally got the Blow-It-All thinking going in earnest, capping it with a defensive gem where Texan WR Andre Johnson, who set the team record for receiving yards with 273 for the day,  was so wide open for the winning TD in overtime that he had to wave the safety over to get into the photo.

"I told them afterwards, we didn't come here for a tie," Jacksonville coach Mike Mularkey said. "We had some chances. We just did not make some of the plays that we haven't made throughout the year."

Coach, coach, COACH.  What you meant to say was "We just made the same plays we've been making all year."  And it paid off.   That's my Jags- play your game of the year, and still lose.  They sure don't play for the tie.  1-9 and still even with the Chiefs for bragging rights in the Doormat AFC.

CLEVELAND 20, DALLAS 23  (OT)

This one is a doormat gem.  The teams did one fumble-fumble sequence (2 turnovers on two plays), always a good sign.  With 1:09 left in the game, after artfully blowing one 1st and goal opportunity, the Browns fall into the end zone and take the lead.  But 1:09 is more than enough time to lose if DB Sheldon Brown (for the Browns!) can rack up a 35-yard pass interferene call.   BOOM the Cowpies tie it up at the end of regulation.  In OT, the Browns get a fumble recovery waved off, and narrowly avoid having the chance at victory.   Cowpies boot a FG and win a game that spent more time with referee replay commentary than they did with advertisements, which is impressive.  Oscar performance from Referee Ed Hochuli, as hundreds of fans ended up in comas.

CAROLINA 21,  BUCCANEERS 27  (OT)

And who else to cap off the futile nearly winning formula than the always creative Carolina Panthers?  On paper, these guys should win some games.  But we aren't playing rock, PAPER, scissors.   5 of the last 6 Pansies losses were Come-From-Ahead games where they blew the lead in the 4th quarter!!  And yesterday was no exception-  ahead 21-10 entering the fourth quarter, the Pansies stop playing defense and the Bucs whiz by the Kings of Fade.   Carolina 2-8 and still in the driver's seat in the Doormat NFC.   The heated chairs in the Pansy coach's office just went up to 'butt-scorch.'

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

KANSAS CITY 6,  CINCINNATI 28

There's really nothing to say about the Cheaps that hasn't already been said.   Other than after last night's 49er game they probably couldn't dial the phone fast enough to ask the Niners if Alex Smith is available yet.   And this may be Alex's reward for becoming a solid NFL QB.  Arrow-thru-the-Headache future.

I bet they have some rotary phones over there at Cheaps headquarters.

CARDINALS 19,  ATLANTA 23

Another beautiful fade job from the guys who were once 4-0.  Six straight unmistakable Doormat losses.    Sayonara, University of Phoenix.   Seven first downs.   Eight punts.  It was only an illusion they were in the game.

MIAMI 14, BUFFALO 19

Somebody had to win.   The Rams and Niners might argue.

OAKLAND 17,  NEW ORLEANS 38

It was much, much worse.  This was so bad.  It's team-wide.  The Raiders have been outscored now, after those inspiring half-time talks, 123-34 this season in the 3rd quarter.  I wonder if we can get the Raider staff to come to the Basement and do a master class on this phenomena with, hopefully, a video montage of every halftime 'adjustment' session this season.   There's never been anything quite like it.

ST. LOUIS  13,  NY JETS 27

Only the Lambs can make the Jets look viable.   A week after their best tie of the year, the Lambs blow a real chance to win a game against a real bad team.  Not some pretend bad team, a real one.  But this is when the pros step in and take care of business.  And the Lambs have been at this longer than the Jets.  

PHILADEPHIA  6,   WASHINGTON 31

The Feebles fire their coach and then discover it's the same guys going out on the field.   These guys are one Carolina victory away from elbowing their flabby way into first in the Doormat.  WHAT A NOSE DIVE.   I'm on board.

INDIANAPOLIS  24,  NEW ENGLAND 59

Not so fast, DOLTS.  Remember last year?  Yes?  Good.

aaAAAAAAAND That's the View from the Basement!!!