Doormat Commissioner Reverses Trade, Fines Owner

In a surprising and stern rebuke, the Doormat Commisioner announced today that he will nullify the midseason trade by team owners Walkfish and Wackoworld of the Tampa Bay Bootineers and the Detroit Kittens.

"This was a back door team swap and against Doormat Division rules," the commissioner said. "This isn't the U.S. Congress--no smoke filled rooms except in the man cave on gameday--and in this Disivision, when we lose, we lose fair and square."

The decision changes the season records for the owners, giving Wackoworld the worst record (an admirable 6-26) and therefore the 2012 Doormat Division Moldy Carpet trophy.

"It feels good to finally have this settled," Wackoworld said. "The rules have prevailed. Wish I could say the same for Congress. The Moldy Carpet will look good over the bar."

At issue was a midseason team swap that sent the Kittens to Walkfish and the Bootineers to Wackoworld. The Kittens promptly went on an eight game losing streak. The Commissioner determined that the rules require a team to be released by an owner first and then the next eligible owner has the right to pick up the team. A straight swap in private without releasing teams or publicly alerting the other owners is not allowed.

"Yeah, that was against the rules," Walkfish said in a phone interview from Athens, Greece, where he is helping with preparations for the Doormat Bowl. "But I looked up the word 'cheat' on dictionary.com and I really don't think that definition describes me. I broke the rules and that helped me lose more games, but I wasn't cheating. I was just breaking the rules."

When asked why he gets to win the Moldy Carpet when he was part of the trade, Wackoworld said, "I didn't even know there was a trade. We just emailed about it and then it just kinda happened. I dunno, there was a lot of Ranier beer going around at the time."

Besides losing the Moldy Carpet, Walkfish will be penalized in next season's team draft and will go last (sixth seed). He is also barred from owning the Lions for one season and he can't sit on the barcalounger during games.

Next year the Commissioner said there will be written rules that everybody will have read.

The Comissioner's decision will have no effect on the Doormat Bowl between Philadelphia and Kansas City in Athens, Greece on Feb. 4. Game preparations are underway and both teams have been practicing by swimming with Dolphins in the Mediterranean and drinking Ouzo with buxom Greek women with dark curly hair and a lot of attitude.

"If we can get the teams sober in time, and no paternity suits, it should be a great game," the Commissioner said.