DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 17: THE FINAL INDIGNITY

DOORMAT DIVISION:  THE FINAL INDIGNITY

Well, me and my brother ‘Fish finally got back from the most miserable duck-hunting expedition of our lives in the muck and drizzle of the Middle Earth that is Oregon only to find a guillotine on the Basement patio, and several severed head coaching and general manager heads rolling around in the bushes.  It took us all day to mop up and get around to our final tally of the Run to the Moldy Carpet.   You know, it would have been nice if somebody’d told us ducks fly south for the winter.   I think I have pneumonia.

              

AND THE WINNERS ARE:

THE PHILADELPHIA PHEEBLES AND

THE KANSAS CITY CHEAPS!!!

Coming from out of NOWHERE, the Pheebs bumble their way to their worst season since going 3-13 in 1998,  snag the NFC title in the doormat, get everybody fired that answered a phone at Pheeble headquarters in 2012, and will get their shot at the Moldy Carpet when they meet the Kansas City Cheaps in Toilet Bowl  V,  February 7^th.   LOCATION TBA.

Over in Kansas City, the Cheaps just narrowly outlast the Jacksonville Gaguars in what was a wild final weekend as both teams pulled out all the stops.  The Gags, against the Titanics,  allowed 2 punt return TDs and TWO interception return TDs, which is just jaw dropping determination to get into the god damned Toilet Bowl, but it wasn’t enough!   The Cheaps countered with another game of professional anemia in the kind of touchdown-less drubbing other wannabes can only dream of,  getting trampled by the Broncos, 38-3. 

The Cheaps are worse in almost every category than the Gags, and had the harder schedule- as in, they played a lot more really really really bad teams and still managed to lose almost every single week.  You try losing to the Raiders twice and the Chargers twice.  That’s serious Doormat Cred, and we’ve got the Cheaps wallpaper all ready to go.

But don’t count out the Eagles, because, boy whew howdy.

FINAL STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA     4-12       -164

DETROIT                4-12        -65

U. OF PHOENIX     5-11        -107

TAMPA BAY          7- 9         -5

NEW ORLEANS     7-9          +7

AFC

KANSAS CITY        2-14      -214

JACKSONVILLLE   2-14     -189

OAKLAND               4-12     -153

CLEVELAND           5-11     -66

TENNESSEE            6-10     -141

KUDOS AND DUBIOUS ACCOMPLISHMENTS

ADIOS BRO-CHA-CHO!!!!!

An astounding 3 teams climbed up out of the muck this year.  The Vikings, Redskins,

Colts were all 10 CLUB (10 losses) members in 2011, and all three have made the playoffs, with the Redskins going so far as to win their division.   The Vikings beat 4 teams with winning records, which is almost unheard of in turn-around seasons (the Lions didn’t do it once last year).   

REDSKINS:  The Shanaplan is impressive.  I’ve always kinda liked to hate this guy, football fan style, but I gotta say the ‘Skins are really fun to watch.  The Read-Option offense looks like some kinda street ball and with RGIII running the show, it just looks like good ol’ fun football.  I would want to play on that team.

VIKINGS:  Last year, the Yikings led the league with 9 come-from-ahead losses. They were terrible.  This year, Adrien Peterson  runs over the entire league, narrowly missing the all-time record for rushing yards, and Christian Ponder pulls himself together and the Vikes win the last four games to crash the playoff party. Add in knocking the Packers down a peg in the playoff seed while pullng off the W yesterday, it’s a warm, fuzzy 14º day in Minneapolis….but let’s remember this is the team that is 0-4 in the Super Bowl, and they always, always ALWAYS find a way to blow it.  Their only chance at the trophy is if the Bills get there too.   And the Bills are already off to the golf course today.  Though I live in 49er land, when I was  kid, I owned a Viking helmet and jersey.  I’ve just learned to assume the worst.  

COLTS:  The tanking-est team in the NFL last season, the DOLTS prove they weren’t that bad (and also prove it was worth it to get Andrew Luck) going from 2-14 to 11-5, and looking like the best team in the AFC South yesterday, clobbering the reeling Houston Texans, who right now look like the charlatans of the league.  All hat and no cattle.

SPECIAL MENTION:  The CINCINNATI BENGALS have back–to-back winning seasons for the first time since before Shirly Temple Black was ambassador to Czechoslovakia.  31 years.  

THE TEN CLUB

If you don’t have 10 losses, you aren’t REALLY BAD.   You don’t fire your coach (usually) and you don’t get our respect.  Except for the Chargers, who would have easily gone 2-14 if they didn’t have to play the Cheaps and the Raydurz.  The Chargers fired everybody, most likely including their PR czar, who ran up the embarrassment flag over at Blots headquarters at mid-season, insulting the fans and giving away the game about just what this team was really trying to accomplish.  They didn't make it, though!  7-9, and the worst 7-9 team...but so what.  You guys aren't even bad enough to get membership in the Basement.  Boo.

 The marquee game for the 10 Club yesterday was the Bills-Jets, as the Jets just laid down and got run over by the Bills, getting both of them membership at 6-10.  Both clubs deserved to be in, but the AFC East was a tough place to lose 10, so hats off to the Nils and Nyets!  Rex Ryan couldn’t even get himself fired.  Now that’s amazing.

HERE THEY ARE:

The returning members:

CLEVELAND BROWNIES (5-11):  5 years in a row now.  The Senior member of the Club.  The President.  The keeper of the Basement Patio BBQ flame.  This year? Not Super Bad, but bad enough. GM and coach heads rolled.   The Brownie tradition continues.  There is a sliver of hope on the horizon, especially if the Steelers continue to get worse.  Chomps is still the mascot, and who wants a svelte captain of the Dawg Pound?  It’s just wrong.

JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS (2-14):  Two years in a row.  What can you say?  A franchise effort, top to bottom, year-in, year-out.  No firing yet.  Somehow, they went 8-8 two years ago.  They worked out the kinks this year, but still could not snag the Doormat AFC crown.  Curses!  

BUFFALO BILLS:  The Nils make the 10 Club on the next to last week of the season, one ahead of last year. WOW.  That’s 4 years running.  Fire the head coach! Off with his head!  That’ll fix it.

New Members:

OAKLAND RAIDERS (4-12):  yesterday the Raiders fired everybody except the head coach.   It’s a complete rethink for the Silver and Blacked out, but until the Davis family finds an exit strategy, I forsee darkness in the cystal ball, and the Raiders will continue to be prisoners of their own Black Hole.  The Curse of Chucky continues.    Guess who they need to hire as coach.  One guess. I’m tired of seeing that smirk in the broadcast booth.  I want it on the sidelines. 

KANAS CITY CHEAPS (2-12):  That’s right, they only went 7-9 last year, though we were screaming that they were far worse.  They finally got there this year.  With Jim Zorn as QB coach, look for more horrible, bumbling QB play.  Unless they already fired him, along with Romeo Crennel.  Romeo even whipped out a crutch yesterday to garner some sympathy, but it didn’t work.   The Chiefs need new QB, and new receivers, and probably new everything.   Piece of cake.  

DETROIT KITTENS (4-12):  Last year’s underdog-turned-hero,  everybody overlooked the fact that they never beat a team with a winning record.   This year, they couldn’t beat anybody.  The Kitties stink it up at the Kat Box, narrowly missing the NFC Championship, and the bags come out in Lion-Land again.  Welcome back, guys, we saved a spot on the sofa for ya.  So far, no head coach firing.  The entire defense could get sacked, though.  What a bunch of posers.

UNIVERSITY OF PHOENIX CARDINALS (5-11):  GM and coach fired!  Really, this team is worse than the Eagles , but they pummeled the Pheebs 27-6 back in Week 3, when they were leading the NFC West.  Remember that?  I don’t.  The Crudinals have a looooooong way to go, so they might as well go down.  This team could be a Moldy Carpet champ next year if it all goes according to plan.

TENESSEE TITANICS (6-10):  Even with yesterday’s evidence that they are no match for the Jaguars,  the Titanics make it back to the 10 Club, and did it with style, getting blown out numerous times, twice giving up 50+ points, and losing by more than 30 five times. 

NY JETS (6-10):   Mark Sanchez in a straight-across trade for Alex Smith?  Alex starts and Sanchez has to battle for 2^nd string on the Niners?  What a pipe-dream, New York.  You’ve got a TERRIBLE TEAM.

WELL, THAT”S GONNA HAVE TO DO IT FOR TODAY!  We’ll be back with the final Awards for the Doormat All-Stars.   I gotta go lie down now and  recover from 8 days in a duck blind. 

aaaaAAAAAAAAnd That’s the View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!!!!!