Fans here in Chicago are battered by the recent miraculous play of the Chicago Cubs--who accidentally won the World Series last year, bringin' a depressing end to one of the greatest runs in doormat history--and trips to the Laughing Goat Tavern, barrels of brats, gunfights, and kegs of beer have not been any help. These fans desperately needed a new team to look toward for perennial disappointment. It's the life blood of Chicago fans. Now da Bares have stepped into the breach and delivered big time. Blood on the field in Chi-town, slaughterhouse to the world.
"It was nearing the end of the baseball season and the Cubs were leading the Central Division with no sign of a face plant," one Chicago fan told me on a windy morning on Michigan Avenue. "You guys don't know what it's like around here, not losin'," he said, chewing on a mustard slathered hot dog. "Yer s'posed to be breakin' hearts in September, man. But da Bares brought our hopes back. In Chicago, we thrive on disappointment."
With doormat precision, the Bears fell right on their faces in weeks one and two, and then in true Chicago fashion, they stunned the NFL by beating the Steelers (despite bumbling a TD run with an accidental touchback). "It was beautiful," another fan said. "It was like, we can beat anybody if we can beat those guys. Maybe we're gonna go on a run. I was excited all week and then they got killed. It was beautiful. My beer never tasted so good."
And now, on the deck of a tall ship in Lake Michigan, the Oracle will load the catapult with frozen turkeys and spray them into Navy Pier. Where they land will determine the predictions. And they are:
Jets- 14
Browns- 17
This may be the best doormat matchup of the season. Jet's have shown signs of disastrous improvement this season, but this week they will go down in flames in the Cuyahoga, which may be in flames as well.
49ers- 10
Colts- 13
Another doormat gold game. Santa Clara is on the road. Colts don't have a chance.
Titans- 10
Dolphins- 16
Mariotta is injured. Otherwise, this is another embarrassing blowout for the Fins. But this week they will win in spite of themselves.
Bills- 24
Bengals- 10
Bills are seriously under-delivering this year. Bengals are shockingly bad. Bills get another win and may be leaving the basement.
Chargers- 21
Giants- 14
For a team that some said might make the Super Bowl, Giants look like a Moldy Carpet winner. Chargers go into New Jersey and hand NY a nifty "L." LA Chargers fans--all 18 of them--miss work on Monday.
Vikings- 28
Bears- 10
Another solid loss by da Bares.
Ravens- 18
Raiders-9
Carr is injured, Raiders offensive line is banged up, and defense is looking weak. EJ Manuel in backup had sparks of excellence last week, but Ravens do have a real defense. Connor Cook might get a snap or two if Ravens get to Manuel. Either way, Ravens, who are underperforming this year, finally get a decisive win. Raydurz may be on the doormat couch in a few weeks. Get out the black and silver beer mugs and chip bowls.
Cardinals- 10
Eagles- 36
Cardinals should be better than this. But they aren't. That is a great formula for doormat fans. Just good enough to hope for a win, but never good enough to deliver. Like my newspaper delivery person.
And those are where the turkeys landed. Signing off from Chicago,
The Oracle from the Basement
The Vikings are down to....Case Keenum at QB, unless Bradford learns how to use his wheelchair better. The Bears are starting Trubinsky, as 'bringing him along slowly' meant...5 games and total desperation. If Viking defense doesn't focus on rattling the rookie, Vikes may be positioning for a mid-season Doormat run.
ReplyDeleteBengals-Bills: The Nils are 3-and-out specialists (2nd most in league), so this game will come down to punting, and who fumbles first.
Browns-Jets: I take issue with the report that, at 1-29 for their last 30 games, the Browns are the losing-est team in a stretch of 30 games of all time. The Chicago Cardinals went 1-36 over 5 seasons. The catch is in '44 they were the Cards/Steelers, as there weren't enough guys around to field a team. Hardly seems fair. So, history is at stake here, for coach Jackson and the Browns. The Browns love to blitz, and Jets QB Josh McCown is completing 75% of his passes when blitzed- not a Doormat stat! We saw that when we went to the Raiders-Jets game. However, reports of being 'satisfied' in the Jets locker room sounds like a real set-up for an afternoon of Mistakes by the Lake!
Ravens at Raiders: This game should be the stiff of the week. It's all up to EJ Manuel and the suspect Raider defense to keep things boring.
49ers @ Colts: Frank Gore gets to play his old team, and he still bleeds Red and Gold. I have a feeling there will be a lot of Red and Gold bleeding, after he has his best day in 2 years.
A lot of doormat head to heads again this week. wow, cravens and raidurz - we shall see who ends up on the bottom !
ReplyDeleteI just love that there's a team in Baltimore named after a Poe-m.
It is a great name. It helps their persona as much as the name "Raiders" does. Black carrion feasting on your corpse. Nevermore.
ReplyDeletewe have an xact match on the scores this week, fins/titans was 16-10
ReplyDeleteand the jets browns was 14-17 with the teams reversed !!
Also the Ravens sound like a team you don't want to meet in a dark alley aft sunset
point spread on Colts-Whiners was correct, even if score not. 49ers can't beat anybody. They really can't.
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