WEEK FOUR WRAP-UP AND FIELD GOAL FIESTA!!

There may have been some wild games in the NFL yesterday, but in the Doormat Division, we have our contenders rounding into shape, with maybe a Dark Horse or two toying with membership aspirations.  Here are your Moldy Carpet Trophy contestants, ladies and gentlemen:

1.  Cleveland Browns
2.  Santa Clara 49ers
3.  Indianapolis Colts
4. Los Angeles Chargers
5. New York Giants
6. Chicago Bears

The Jets could still win the whole thing, but after two straight wins, we need some convincing.


DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK FOUR

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

NY GIANTS              0-4             60       95    -35

SANTA CLARA         0-4            66       94    -28

CHICAGO                 1-3            61       104   -43

ARIZONA                  2-2            74       91     -17

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-4           63      107    -44

LA CHARGERS        0-4           72       93     -21

CINCINNATI             1-3           64       67        -3

INDIANAPOLIS          1-3           71       136    -65

MIASMA                   1-2           25       57      -32   

GAME OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 7, BENGALS 31

The Battle of O-hi-O-fer turned out to be no contest. Whatever bumbling art the Bungles thought they had going on was exposed as mere pipe dreams by the Kings of Klutz, the Browns. Some day, some how, the Brown-outs will win a game, and even more outrageous, will have a quarterback to lead them out of the winless wilderness to the promised land of mediocrity. The Bengals, affronted by the Browns unwillingness to score, force the Blank Helmets into the end zone in the 4th quarter, though it took 8 plays from the 10 and two Bengal penalties to get the job done. Bengals still could lose 10. Browns could lose 16, but the Jets are coming to Lake Erie next week, and this looks like a trap.

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

TITANS 14, TEXANS 57

OK, I think the Texans have a QB in Deshaun Watson right now.  And the Titans do not.  Injured again just before halftime, Marcus Mariota gives way to...Doormat All-Star Matt Cassel, somehow still employed in this league, though every fan who even has a casual knowledge of rosters knows the news when ol' Matt steps into the huddle.  Cassel delivered by matching Mariota's 2 INTs with two of his own, but also with his signature pick-six move thrown in, and the obligatory fumble. With Cassel in at QB for at least a few games, the Titans should rack up a string losses.  Titans give up 33 first downs and 455 yards. Wow. 

JAGS 20, JETS 23  (OT)

Jaglag! Swingin' London swung the swag out of the Jags, the Jets get two long TD runs as a result, and they kick the game winner with :28 seconds left in OT.  Jags ain't climbing out of the Basement until they win two in a row. But the Jets...they can't win three straight, can they?  Join the Jets in Cleveland next week, as the Browns perfect season is in peril.

49ERS 15,  CARDINALS 18 (OT)

Nine field goals.  NINE field goals.  Two nullified TDs (one for each team).  And nine field goals. The Whines and the Cruds put on an epic display of refusing to win yesterday, and it took 4 quarters and the entire overtime- including a first-drive FG by the Whines- for a 6-point play to rear its ugly head, and one of these teams to absorb a victory.  The Cardinals caved, and scored, just as time was running out. 27 drives, 13 punts and nine field goals. The Whiners travel to Indy next week- gonna be tough to come out of there with the L- but how can you doubt this team now?

DOLPHINS 0, SAINTS 20

The Floppers grab the brass ring of zero points this week, nailing down the shutout with 11 first downs, 186 total yards, 1-8 on 3rd down, 11 well-timed penalties and a retired QB as your QB. Well...Miami IS a retirement community, so it's fitting. However, next week's game in Miasma against the Titans will be tough to lose, with Doormat God Matt Cassel suiting up at QB for the Titanics.

RAIDERS 10, BRONCOS 16

Maybe the Raiders need some kind of new motivation. Coach Jack Del Rio, when coach of the Jaguars in 2003, introduced the mantra "Keep chopping wood", illustrating how the team would slowly chip away at being terrible and become a great team. Del Rio put an actual wooden stump and axe in the Jaguars' locker room as a symbol of his rallying cry.

A lot of members of the team started taking turns at the stump with the axe, and then punter Chris Hanson stepped up, missed everything, except his non-kicking foot, seriously injuring himself. Hanson missed the remainder of the 2003 season.  

Hey Jack, got a fresh idea?

COLTS 18, SEAHAWKS 45

If the Seahags had ANY aspirations towards coming back to the Basement, they got a serious reality check yesterday.  Though starting out with a promising 3-2 score at the end of the 1st quarter, and even leading 15-10 at halftime, the Clots held their post-game celebration at halftime and did the classic Doormat maneuver of completely folding for the 2nd half. The Seahawks were totally unprepared for the no-show. Colts show balanced attack, giving up a pick-six and a fumble-six.  Next Loss:  Colts host the 49ers.  Gonna need a lot of Pepto Dismal to get through that one. 

CHARGERS 24, EAGLES 26

It was close! The Chagrins piled up 400 yards of offense, Philip Rivers didn't throw an interception.  And they still lost.  This team is tough.  Next week they travel to New York and and take on the new darlings of the Basement, the Flailing Giants.  Somebody has to win.

GIANTS 23, BUCS 24

Snatching defeat from the swamp of victory yet again, the Giants are tearing through the Doormat Division as if there were no competition.  0-4 and headed to the big AFC-NFC showdown with the Chargers at Get A Life Stadium in Jersey next Sunday.

RAMS 35, COWBOYS 30

The Rams may be leaving the Basement, but they're still a little scared of scoring over 50 points, so they stacked up 7 field goals with 2 touchdowns to keep it close for the Cowboys.  

At some point, they'll just give up and just torch the opposition.

I'll be back with the WORST STATS for week 4.  Gotta feed the 'possum.  

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aaaAAAAAAND THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!