WEEK FIVE WRAP-UP and PSYCHIATRIST'S COUCH

Sometimes, You Just Can't Win

(really, I mean, you can't)

DOORMAT DIVISION STANDINGS, WEEK FIVE

NFC

                                  W-L          PF       PA    DIF

NY GIANTS               0-5            82       122    -40

SANTA CLARA         0-5            89       120    -31

CHICAGO                 1-3            61       104    -43

ARIZONA                  2-3            81       125    -44

DALLAS                    2-3            125     132    -7

AFC

                                  W-L         PF       PA     DIF

CLEVELAND            0-5           77      124     -47

LA CHARGERS        1-4           99      115     -16

INDIANAPOLIS         2-3           97     159      -62

TENNESSEE             2-3           110    142     -32

CINCINNATI              2-3           84      83       +1

MIASMA                    2-2           25       57      -32  

GAME OF THE WEEK

49ers 23, COLTS 26 (OT)

Vice President Mike Pence walked out of this game before it started, on the flimsy excuse that he didn't like how the national anthem business went. Some people will do anything to not watch a Doormat Division contest. It makes the fleas in our orange plaid and duct tape couch angry.  It makes my dial-up modem grumble even louder, as it tries to hail a passing server, so our battered Commodore 64 can bring YOU the news. 

For nearly three DOA quarters, these two heavyweights waged a red zone drought, with their place kickers (Colts' Adam Vinatieri and 49ers' Robby Gould) talking trash and throwing kicking tees at each other.  But you can't keep a talent-challenged team up, and the 49ers responded with a reverse drive, punting on 4th and 25 from their 7. The 49er defense responded immediately, getting Red and Gold bleeding 49er alum, and current Colt, Frank Gore loose for a 33 yard pass reception and romp down the field, followed by a miraculous thing- a touchdown- in just 5 plays.  Game over?

The Colts D sure thought it was. Gassed from having to play from ahead the whole game, the Colts defense retires to the Gatorade table in the 4th quarter and 49ers stage the greatest tease for resigned fans everywhere, the Futile Comeback. The Whinos explode for 2 touchdowns and tie the game!  ...and then pull the big fade, and lose in OT, again, as Vinatieri boots the winner and hurls insults across the field at Gould. I hope you bark your shins on a coffee table!!

Improbably, the Colts are 2-3. They get another sinking ship, the Titanics, next week, so holy rolling football, they could scrape up to 3-3. The Whiners have now lost 4 games by 3 points or less, with two OTs in there. Could they have won those games?  OF COURSE NOT!! Coach Shanahan, who is really developing all the right expressions of frustrated wonder and awe at just how bad his team can be, including the increasingly feeble mumbled hectoring of referees, has some decisions to make. Should the Whiners keep it close again, or just go for getting totally blown out? They'll be in D.C. next week, so maybe the President will drop by to walk out on the anthem, too.  Just another poser who can't take the Doormat heat. My green screen CRT just got a little greener.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

TITANS 10, DOLPHINS 16

It's not the Dolphins fault they won this game.  Even keeping it to 78 measly passing yards on offense had no effect. I mean c'mon! The game blasted off with a 3-volley 'punt tennis', which was unacceptable pacing, so the Titanics countered with a fumble, which forced the Dolphins to kick a FG. The Sinking Boats brilliantly followed this up with a nullified Matt Cassel touchdown bomb (penalty), and then had Matt pull his patented fumble-six (which is usually getting hit hard while he is trying to pass, the guy really gets slammed sometimes), pushing the Dolphin lead to 10-0. The Fins countered with fumbles and interceptions, but the relentless punting by the Titans was just too much. Though the Flops got the Titans back to a tie, it was just a matter of time, and 19 punts, before Miami had to take the victory. The Floppers are 2-2 and one has to wonder what these guys have to do to lose a game.

ADIOS, BRO-CHA-CHOS?

JAGUARS 30, STEELERS 9

They're only 3-2, and we have to wait until they hit 8 wins, but the Jags- a long-running Doormat All-Star- look like a good bet to ditch the basement. They've blown out their their opponents in their three victories, yet still lost to the Jets (London hangover game).  Are they REALLY exiting?  Tune in next week when Rams come to town.  

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

CLOWNS 14, JETS 17

The Cleveland fans have spoken.  They're The Clowns.  How do you rack up 441 yards, only punt twice, and still lose?  Miss 2 field goals, throw 2 interceptions, throw in a fumble, and go for it on 4th down- and fail. They did score 2 touchdowns once they gave in and put Kevin Hogan in at QB. Watch out for that. Hue Jackson's 1-20 run may be in jeopardy. But...naw.  

Absurdly, the Jets are now 3-2, and have won 3 straight.  They may not win another game, because they start playing real teams next week.  Party NOW, New York! 

GIANTS 22, CHARGERS 27

In the battle for no-victory supremacy, the Giants hold serve, and make it to 0-5. The Chagrins started off brilliantly, with QB Philip Rivers fumbling one out of the end zone for a quick safety, getting the game off to an excellent 2-0 start. But, for the first time since the Stone Age, the Chargers came back and won a game, and more insane, held on to win it. It took a sack-n-fumble by Eli Manning at his own 12 to set up the game winning TD pass by Rivers, to pull it off. The fumble happened just a couple plays after the Giants' Odell Beckham broke his ankle, and I think the Giants were reeling at that point. And, without Beckham, look for the Giants to take reeling to a new level.

CARDINALS 7, EAGLES 34

The Crudinals took care of this game in the first quarter, giving up 3 Carson Wentz touchdown passes in a wild flurry of ineptitude that must have taken all week to prepare for. 

Keeping your defense on the field for as long as possible is key, and the Cards offense was invisible in the first quarter, until it was 21-0. 

Cruds fading fast, and only a 49er game on the schedule (Nov. 5th) looms as a speed bump in their quest to lose every single game.

RAIDERS 17, RAVENS 30

They're baaaack.  They may not be the Silver and Blacked Out (which requires local TV blackouts due to vast amounts of unsold tickets), but they're coming for ya, Doormat Denizens. Raiders also got off to a quick start, digging a 14-0 hole (man, the fumble-six is becoming a hot commodity), and really, not looking back.  Derek Carr wanted to play, but no dice. If the RAVENS can score 30 points when they play the Raiders, it may not matter if The Snake is back there on offense.  On the Six Year Anniversary of Al Davis' Death (did they open the crypt?), the Raiders brought back a LOT of memories.

TONIGHTS DOORMAT TILT:

VIKINGS AT BEARS

The Bears may ruin their Doormat chances by playing rookie QB Mike Trubinsky, but I doubt it. The Vikings, toying with the idea of maybe losing seven or eight in a row themselves, hold the cards. Blitz, or just fall back in coverage and give the kid time to find a receiver? 

Vikings mascot Ragnarok is warming up to play QB, as the Yikes try to blow a gimme.

aaaAAAnd THAT'S THE VIEW FROM THE BASEMENT!!!!