DOORMAT DIVISION: WEEK 3 WRAP-UP AND BUD LITE PYRAMID

 NOT A PIPE DREAM ANYMORE

BROWNS 21, JETS 17

How do you make perfect Brownies?  Get a really good BAKER.

After 635 days of losing, twice as long as it took Frodo to throw The Ring into Mt. Doom, the Browns have not just won a football game. They look like a team that's going to win the next football game. And it's the Reeling Raiders in Oakland! Get your tickets NOW, Basement Dwellers out in the Bay Area. Hop on a plane, Cleveland fans, and bring Chomps with you. The Dawg Pound is going on the road!!  The Super Bowl will be on-  

All right, let's calm down. And, besides I can't even get to the patio door for all the Bud Lite cans, let alone get to the airport. But, seriously, here in the Basement, it's a new day. Starting Browns QB Tyrod Taylor (I hope he has a brother named Axle) was having a really bad day, and then took a whack on the pavement with his skull, and left the game with a lulu of a concussion. Rookie Gandalf Mithrandir- I mean- Mayfield Baker came in, and the rest is Browns history. The Shake n' Bake era has begun.

They may still only win 5 games, tops, but who cares?  They won a friggin' game, and there is joy in Mudville.  HOORAY!!

Let's take a look at the standings, and get to the games

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 3

NFC            W-L        PF       PA      DIFF

Arizona        0-3          20       74       -54
Santa Clara   1-2         73      89        -16
Detroit         1-2           70      88       -18
NY Giants    1-2          55      62        -7

Dallas           1-2          41      53        -12

  

AFC            W-L        PF        PA      DIFF

Oakland        0-3          52        81       -29
Houston        0-3          59        74       -15
Pittsburgh     0-1-1       58        63       -5
New England  1-2       57        77       -20
Buffalo         1-2          50        84       -34
NY Jets         1-2          77        58       +19

BLOWOUT AND UPSET OF THE WEEK AT THE SAME TIME!

BILLS 27, YIKINGS 6

As Blowouts go, this is a mere 21 points, but it felt like 50.  Nobody, and I mean nobody, saw this one coming.  Last week the Bills looked like they had a shot at losing every single game. But the 'lucky' card this season- the rookie QB- worked for the Bills to mess things up and win a game.  16 1/2-point underdogs going in, Bills QB Josh Allen accounted for enough points- 21- to beat the spread.  He did try to go Doormat, fumbling 3 times, but the Bills got them all back. The Vikings countered with three turnovers that stuck (thank you Kirk Cousins, you know how).   We salute the Underdog of the Week!

Vikings fans, now that they have taken off their Viking hats and fake blonde pigtails, have become aware that Case Keenum is not their starting quarterback.  The Yikes get to get off the mat and play the Rams in LA on Thursday.  Lycka Till!!

CARDINALS 14, BEARS 16

At least somebody around here is taking care of business.  The Cards are kings of the Basement right now, and the Bears are forced, yet again, to win a game. Pour yourself a strong coffee, sports fans, they're in first in the NFC North.  

 The Cards (0-3) got out to an uncomfortable 14-point lead in the 1st quarter, but Sam Bradford cranked up the interception machine (2), dropped a couple fumbles, and the Cards tried the Magic Rookie QB card, with rookie Josh Rosen going out there and smartly chucking the game killing interception. Now THAT's a confidence builder. Whew. DaBares couldn't keep it to field goals the whole day, and, eventually, they found themselves ahead, mostly because their defense isn't bad enough. Oakland defensive end Khalil Mack got two more sacks for the Bears. They're going to have a hard time losing with any consistency with that defense they're saddled with now.  

TEXANS 22, GIANTS 27

Try as they might, the Giants could not muster a Total Collapse after getting ahead 20-3. The Toxins (0-3) racked up 427 yards against our solid NFC Doormat contenders. We're doubtful here, in the Basement, that the Toxins can lose more than 11. Big challenge next week against the Colts.  

49ERS 27, CHIEFS 38

At one point, the Chiefs were ahead 35-7, and it looked for all the world like it was going to be 70-14 by the end. The Whiners stacked up a stunning 147 yards on 14 penalties, and the defensive secondary left Chiefs receivers so much room to run that they could have brought a dog along and played a little frisbee with them, while waiting for the pass.  

The Whinos are now instantly a Doormat 10-loss club favorite because, sadly, starting QB Jimmy Garoppolo tore his ACL trying a Steve Young 'feint' at the sideline, trying to get some extra yards. It didn't work. He is most likely out for the season. And, no, they won't be signing Colin K as a backup, I don't think, because he is not, at all, a Kyle Shanahan kind of QB.  Lots of teams need a solid backup right now, though.  The Browns come to mind.

COWBOYS 13,  SEAHAGS 24

Dallas looks pretty darn bad.  Gonna have to build a corral out by the grill, and open up the pasture this week.  Cattle comin' in.  

RAIDERS 20,  DOLPHINS 28

Mark Davis, unhappy that the city of Oakland isn't pissed off enough at him, traded off Khalil Mack to the Bears, and voila, the Raydurz have ZERO pass rush. They're back. Until they leave for Las Vegas.  And yet...they may still be here, in the Basement.  Big Amazing Observation: Raider QB Derek Carr may not really be all that great.  Add in signing Brent Musberger (I can't tell you how weird this is) as your play-by-play radio announcer, and you are really, really, REALLY trying to crush the spirit of Raider Nation.  It's working.

JAGS 6, TITANS 9

Stiff of the Week.  5 field goals.  Dad, wake up- it's time to go home.  $375 nap.

CHARGERS 23, RAMS 35

The Chagrins: playing in the wrong city, for the wrong fans, with the wrong owner.   

PATRIOTS 10, LIONS 26

Dare I say it? The Patsies.  Are they coming back to us, after all these years? They looked like an actor who couldn't find his motivation for the scene last night.  They couldn't have thrown a 20-teabag box of Lipton tea into Boston Harbor with that level of effort.  Lions get a win hung on them, and the NFC North is wide open, so optimism abounds in Detroit.  Things are already icing over in Foxboro.  

WHAT A WEEK!  Upsets, new members, great weights lifted off entire cities.  It's a new day, and there's always still time to lose!

aaaAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

-wacko