DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 14 WRAP-UP AND TRIAGE

A CHALLENGE TO FUTILITY

3-10?  3-10!??  With just 3 weeks to go in the run to the Moldy Carpet trophy, the worst our gridiron boobs can offer is a possible 3-13 record. The Raiders and the 49ers both won yesterday, right after the local rag, the SF Chronicle, chronicled how their combined 4-20 record had a shot at being the worst of all time in the Bay Area.  It still does at 6-20, but they have to lose all their remaining games. Should they both win again, horrors, the worst the Doormat Division can get is 4-12, which hasn't happened since 2003, when the Giants, the Cardinals and the Chargers all went 4-12.  Clearly, teams just aren't bad enough this season. Where's the tragedy, the pathos, the misery?

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 14

NFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Santa Clara    3-10       275    350        -75

Arizona         3-10        178    327        -149
Atlanta          4-9        316     367        -51
NY Giants      5-8         307     331       -24

Tampa Bay    5-8         332     383        -51

Detroit          5-8         271     319       -48

AFC              W-L        PF       PA       DIFF

Oakland         3-10      244     388      -144
Jacksonville   4-9        212     273      -61

NY Jets          4-9        270     330      -60

Buffalo          4-9        201     320      -119

Cleveland      5-7-1     292     397      -90


FALCONS 20, PACKERS 34
The Failcons just keep on losing, 5 straight now, climbing into a solid 3rd place in the Doormat NFC with a complete game of non-competitiveness. Losing to the Packers takes some effort these days. You can't just waltz out there and get creamed. Falcons 5-game skid started with a loss to the Browns (28-16), the kind of loss that starts losing streaks- losing to what you think is the worst team in football. But guess what?  It's YOU.

Packers win first game under new coach.  Packers will now fire the head coach every week until they lose a game.  Then, they'll fire the GM.

BAGUARS 9, TITANS 30
Doormat Perfection: the Bags scored their first points on a safety (muffed punt by the Titans), took the ensuing punt-off and drove to the Titans 4-yard line, where they killed the motor, and left the pigskin on the 1 for the Titans.  On the next play, Titans RB Derrick Henry galloped 99 yards for a touchdown.

And we're done here.

GIANTS 40, REDSKINS 16
Break up the Giants!  Winners of two straight, the Giants, at 5-8 have a mathematical shot at the playoffs, however difficult that math may be.  The Skinnies, without Alex Smith, have Doormat Finish gleaming on their team bus.  Basement All-Star March Sanchez started at QB for Washbag, and guided the team to:  punt, punt, punt, pick-six, punt, punt, interception (resulted in TD in 3 plays), punt, punt, punt, somebody stop this.

QB Josh Johnson- remember him from Tampa Bay?- came in and ruined the shutout, bagging two TDs in the 4th quarter.  Redskinks (6-7), losers of 4 straight and a clear shot at 10 losses, have to contend with the plummeting Baguars next week.  Be there.

BILLS 23, JETS 27
The Bills and Jets split their season series, keeping a cordial relationship going out on the Basement patio, burning a weenie, dumpster diving in the alley, and sharing the last stale can of Busch Light. Not that the Jets didn't try to lose this one. After their halftime brainstorm (ow!) the Jets deftly fumbled the kickoff, planting the Bills firmly at the Jets 13 yard line. The Bills saw through that, and killed the 'momentum' and escaped with a FG, keeping the Jets within a TD (20-13). The Nyets countered with an interception, but the Bills refused to take the bait, and punted. The Jetskis couldn't stop the downhill effect, and scored a TD, but promptly got the Bills downfield, only to be thwarted when the Bills shanked a field goal attempt. 20-20.  One more Jets 3-and-out produced a grinder drive for the Bills and they got a 3-point boot hung on their necks. 23-20, Bills.  With the game clock dwindling down,the Jets then got guided masterfully down the field, with the golden play the 37-yard bomb by Jets QB Sam Darnold (darn old what?) to the Bills 4.  Bills burn a time out contesting the completion. It takes 4 tries, but the Bills get the Jets into the end zone ozone. Bills finish up with long bomb interception by Josh Allen.  Jet and Bills tied at 4-9 and still have a shot at winning the Moldy Carpet.

49ers 20, BRONCOS 14
I don't know...Broncos coach Vance Joseph just looks unhappy. Like he has no friends. He needs to work on his grouchy look. Just doesn't look 'coacherly'.

The Greg Kittle Show, brought to you buy a clueless defensive strategy and execution by the Bronco defense, came up 4 yards short of the all-time record for a TE receiving yards. ALL IN THE FIRST HALF. 49ers botch getting Kittle just one more 5 yard reception.

Broncos off-sides specialist Von Miller stacked up THREE of them yesterday. Not to worry, the 49ers tackles practiced for it all week, complete with the 'whoa there' effect after the refs blow the whistle.

For 3-10, the Whiners looked like a defensive brick wall yesterday. With top Bronco receiver Emmanuel Sanders sidelined, the Whinos played man-to-man tight D, bumping the young Bronco receivers at the line of scrimmage on every play. It worked and nobody gets fired this week.

RAIDERS 24, STEELERS 21
Holy Crap, the Raiders won a game. Pittsburgh QB Ben Rothlisberger had to leave the game with an owie, and that tilted the whole field.  Ben's pretty hefty. Great game that brought back some memories of the incredible rivalry these two teams have had over the years.

CARDINALS 3, LIONS 17
STIFF OF THE WEEK: If they'd just lost at least one game to the 49ers, the Cards would be a shoo-in for the Moldy Carpet trophy.  As it is, they still look promising. Tied at 3-10 now with the Whiners, the Cards brought home the misery yesterday with a meagre field goal and a pick-six that decided the whole thing. Lions got a TD chipped in in the 4th quarter to round out the 'scoring.' Lions at 5-8 and teetering on respectability. They go to Buffalo next week, so watch out. Cards should lose all three remaining games: Falcons (no gimme), Rams and Seahags.

BROWNS 26, PANTHERS 20
Pretty soon, we won't have to write about the Brownies anymore.  Winning yet again with some late heroics, the Blanks have thrown more footballs into the stands after a touchdown than any other team this season.  Guys, I know it's new to you, but it really is a regular part of football.

aaaAAAAAAnd That's the View From the Basement!!!!!

TWELFTH WEEK: BURSTING WITH BOOBERY !!

WELCOME MAT ON THE PATIO

It is time to welcome the newcomers, because they don’t appear to be leaving.   The Dallas Cows: 3-8 and looking like a real contender, now that Tony Romo broke his collar bone again. 

I saw the play.  Honestly, I wish the tactic of lifting and slamming a guy to the turf would stop being a technique they teach for sacking QBs, since most of them, at that point, are more than willing to hit the turf.  Football is an entertainment for paying customers, and they’d really rather see Tony Romo playing in a game instead of getting carted off the field.  His backup is Matt Cassel, for lord sakes, and I’m not ponying up my hard won wages on the ranch to watch that kind of boobery, unless I’m ensconced in the basement pulling for the loser to lose again. It really is like the fans don’t matter.  Or I should say, only YOUR fans matter, which is pretty darn stupid. Slamming a QB down on his shoulder means you want something bad to happen to that shoulder.  Period.  And, might I add, if TV money is the only money that counts, why does it cost so much to watch a game from the nose bleed seats?

End of rant.

Also busting into the basement with some real authority are the Philadelphia Feebles, a college offense getting its butt kicked in the NFL.  Stop pretending it’s not happening.  It doesn’t work.  Stop handing the ball back to the other team in 5 seconds.  But hey, it’s our gain, so Coach Chip, keep up the good work.  And bringing up the rear are the New Orleans Ain’ts, where old, hidden paper bags, a little greasy from the fried chicken and other extremely tasty foods that grace the shores of the Mississippi in those parts, are coming out of the trunk.  Welcome back guys, it’s been a while.  

Let’s check the standings, and then skewer the games:

DOORMAT STANDINGS, WEEK 12

NFC

                  W-L          PF-PA

Whiners      3-8           152 - 271

Cows          3-8            204 - 261
Lambs        4-7            186 - 230

Kittens        4-7           230 - 288

Feebles       4-7            243 - 274

Ain’ts         4-7            261 – 339

AFC

                  W-L           PF-PA

Titanics      2-9            203 - 257

Browns      2-8            186 - 277

Chargers     3-8           244 - 307

Cravens      3-6            226 - 249

Dolphins     4-7           225 - 287

Gaguars      4-7            236 - 299

THE LEADERS:

WHINERS 13,  CARDINALS 19

Let’s face it, no matter how helpful the Cardinals were yesterday, it was no dice against the worst team in the NFL.  Right down to coming up with an extra point doinking off the right upright with 2:36 left in the game, keeping the game tantalizingly close at 19-13, the Cardinals were just NOT going to lose this game.  In fact, they were sabotaged by the refs on their final drive.  An dubious roughing the passer penalty, which was just a clean sack, on a critical third down and then the capper- interfering with the ref by players on the 49er sideline, on a well defended bomb by Crudinal QB Carson Palmer.  The ref grazed the arm of a 49er standing in the restricted zone. Next time, at least knock the zebra to the turf, dude. In fact, throw in a body slam! That’s 30 extra yards to a team trying to give the ball back to the Niners.  

But this is what terrible teams get- refs start LOOKING for stuff that the better teams (as in mediocre) don't get called for.  It’s like the whipping boy in 3^rd grade- same guy always gets blamed for everything (13 penalties for a measly 81 yards).  It’s only fair- if your line has problems, when they try to play inspired ball, you get flagged for more penalties.  The Niners are this team. 
So Carson Palmer ends up running in the winning touchdown, nearly ending his season with an awkward ball spike and sprawl into the photographers.  Dainty.

Whiner QB Blaine Gabbert racked up over 300 yards, but went 0-9 (O-4-niners!) on third down conversions, and came up with the killer sack on the final drive, ending all hope at Levi stadium (shouldn’t the seat covers be denim?) p.s.  Niners wore their black “we’re not the Niners” uniforms.  They didn't really need to do that.   It's pretty obvious.

BROWNIES VS. CRAVENS (MONDAY NIGHT)

Our AFC leaders (yes I know the Titans lost, but we wait for this game) face off tonight in a Prime Time MNF Doormat Extravaganza that is not to be missed, if you even remotely appreciate the finer points of terrible football. 

The Brownies have tried everything, short of winning games, but to no avail- but this one is going to be tough. It’s at home, where Cleveland fans are used to being handed humble pie on any given Sunday, but Johnny Foosball is putting down the shot glass and, I think, will actually win a game for Cleveland. I’m going way out on a limb. This will vault the Titanics (2-9) into unchallenged first place.  But let’s not run off half-cocked, give the Cravens their due- they can lose any game at any moment anywhere.  No matter how close a game is, they can make it look like a 20 point deficit.   It’s gonna be a wild wild wild total STIFF of a game.  I sure hope it’s Chris Berman and Jon Gruden on this one, because they will have a FIELD DAY.  EDGE TO LOSE:  CRAVENS

DOORMAT ALERT:

BROWN AND NINERS PLAY EACH OTHER ON

DEC. 13^th

TITANICS 21, RRRRAIDERS 24

Where do you go when you’ve lost three in a row and you have no one to turn to?  Memphis!  The Raiders, despite fumbling the ball repeatedly, got outfoxed by Marcus Mariota, a rookie guiding his team with confidently thrown late interceptions that are driving the Titanics straight to Davy Jones’ Locker. 

COWS 13,  PANTHERS 33

The Panthers are really good, and the Cows made sure they looked it.  Cows TIED FOR FIRST with the Niners.  It’s a damn shame these two old rivals aren’t facing off late in the season for NFC Doormat bragging rights.  

FEEBLES 14,  LIONS 45

The Feebs have Mark ‘Hold and Sack’ Sanchez at QB, and that pretty much takes care of that. The Feebs held the ball for a meager 22 minutes, while the Lions had it for almost 38. The Lions have won three in a row- that’s just wrong. Doormats DO NOT win 3 in a row. What with the Packers (next week) in a huge slump and the rest of the schedule looking lighter every minute, the Lions could have…dare I say it- an absurd shot at the playoffs.  The Feebles, on the other hand, are just sinking into a muck so deep it’s like the malarial swamps that used to grace the Philly shores back in the early days, when Ben Franklin was coaching.  Both teams are 4-7 but headed in drastically different directions.  However, Feebs still only one game out of first in the All-Doormat NFC East. Good GRIEF. 

GAGUARS 25, CHARS 31

Just when you think you’ve got the system down, you’re the worst team in the AFC, you have to play Jacksonville, and you get schooled.  No team, except of course for Cleveland, can crush a home crowd more efficiently.  In the playoff hunt at kickoff time yesterday, the Gags find the way to give Char QB Philip Rivers 4 TD passes and still lose the game.  The Char’s usually successful game plan finally foiled, the Gags fall to 4-6 and stay in the Basement with us.  Whew, that WAS CLOSE.

AIN’TS 6,  TEXANS 24

Remember when the Toxins were 1-4?  And looked hopeless?  Pull that sticker off and slap it on the Saints!  Drew Brees doesn’t throw a TD pass for the first time in forever, and the Saints fail to score a TD for the first time since Louis Armstrong was running the town.

Can we pull the Fleur-de-Lys trunk out of storage mom, can we? I wanna decorate.  

LAMBS 7, BENGALS 31

The Bungles may have lost two in a row, but fat chance they were going to lose this one, not with the Lambies pulling out their Big Play Two Ply Defense!  I don’t know about YOU, but I think maybe Lamb coach Jeff Fisher really isn’t a coach.  He’s just a testy guy scowling his way through the NFL until somebody notices he was originally hired to run the washing machines.  Somewhere along the way, he grabbed an extra clipboard, stole a headset, and here we are.  The Lambs are BACK!  Wrap me in wool, baby, it’s gonna be a loooooooooong, cold St. Louis winter.

SPECIAL 12^th WEEK HONORS:  The Entire NFC East has a losing record, thanks to the Deadskins beating the Giants yesterday.   5-6 gets you First Place.  There’s still 5 games to go, so it’s a long way to the finish line, but we can hope they keep it under .500 all the way.  Duke it out, guys!!!

NFL WORST STATS WEEK 12

Points:                6                Saints

First downs:        14              NOLA, PHI, DAL     

Turnovers:   apple cinnamon

Turnovers (int/fum):   4/0     Steelers

Total Yards:        210            Cowboys

Yards Allowed:  538             Seahawks (and they won)

Punts:                 10              Patriots

Total Punts:        18              Pats-Broncos

3^rd Down Conv:  0-9             49ers

Sacked:               6-40           Eagles

Penalties:            13/81, 49ers;  12/95     Bears, Bucs

aaaaAAAaAAnd That's the View from the Basement!!

Somebody Had to....

NYETS  10,  PATSIES 13

Gino Smith gets ready to heave one up for grabs.

In a stunning display of Doormat potential,  the New York Jets held the New England Patriots to 9 first downs last night AND LOST.   Nyets QB Geno Smith looked every centimeter a rookie, cashing in 3 interceptions for a QB rating of 27.6.   If Mark Sanchez is so darn sure he won the QB competition and only needs to heal up quick from his torn labrum to get back his job, it must only be because he is sure he can steer the Jets into a deeper ditch than some untested rookie.   To be fair,  and we do that on Friday the 13th,  the Nyets look like they have a pretty tough defense.  But they are going to have to hold teams to a safety or less to win games.   

But who said anything about winning?  After last week's stumble against the always tricky Tampa Bay Bucs,  the Jets get back on the losing side.   Next loss:  Buffalo.  That's gonna be a tough one.  

-wacko