Doormat Division: The First Five Games

Do they really put a "G" at the goal line? We get down there so seldom.

The Doormat Division: The First Five Games

Enough of the silly predictions, let’s talk turkey. In fact, let’s talk TURKEYS.

In preparation for our fantasy draft, let’s take a quick look at the first 5 games for every contender for the Moldy Carpet.

Keep in mind that the losingest team usually comes from a division that has at least 2 good teams in it, and the third can pull it together and have a game where they don’t turn it over 5 times and get penalized for 135 yards. Last year’s champ, the Pansies, came from just such a division. The NFC Worst, by contrast, just shot itself in the foot last year. Best they could come up with was 5-11 for worst record (Crudinals), and 7-9 won the division!! By contrast, the NFC North has Green Bay, a rejuvenated - let’s not get too excited- Lions, and the Bears can win with defense. That leaves the Yikings looking like a Moldy Carpet contender if they keep up what they started last year. Yikes could easily make 4-12. It won’t beat the Pansies, but it will at least put some heat on them.

In paranthesis is the team’s record after 5 games LAST YEAR

AFC

Cincinnati Bungles (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Brown Pall Stadium

The Bungles don’t play a good team until week 10. I’m not kidding.

First five: Brownies, Donkeys, 0-for-Niners, Nils, Gaguars!!

AFC North has two good teams- Ravens and Pittsburgh. Bungles actually beat the Ravens in week 2 last year, then beat the Pansies, then lost 10 straight.

Outlook: 1-4. season: 2-14

Long Range: Bungles have entire NFC Worst on schedule. It won’t help.

Cleveland Brownies (2010: 1-4)

stadium: Brownie Bake Sale Stadium

First 5: Bungles, Colts, Dolpins, Tennessee, Raydurz

Brownies beat Bunlges, Colts- with Manning, Brownies lose. Titans, total schizo team. Floppers- another up and down team. Rayudurz- that’s a W for Browns. LONG RANGE: Brownies get to play entire NFC Worst, too. It will help them.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 6-10

Indianapolis Dolts (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Leaking Oil Stadium

Are we jumping the gun, even talking about the Colts as Doormat potential? Of course, but like we said, without Manning, they’re toast. So, this may be a team someone grabs 5 games into season.

First five: Houston, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Tampa Bay, Kansas City Cheaps.

Outlook: without Manning? 1-4 with him: 4-1 Season: 5-11

Buffalo Nils (2010: 0-5)

Stadium: Ralph! Hralph!

First Five: Kansas City, Oakland, New England, Cincinnati, Philadephia.

The preseason was a carbon copy of last year, defense kept them in games, but they lost anyway, and then about every 4^th game, they’d get 4 touchdowns and STILL lose. They led the league in close losses.

Outlook: 2-3 Season 4-12

I gotta say, the AFC West is the AFC Worst. Raydurz, Bunco-Donkeys and the Cheaps could ALL turn out to be terrible, thereby worsening their chances of winning the Moldy Carpet. Somebody has to win those head to head matchups.

Denver Bunco-Donkey-Dunks (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: Sky High Authority

First five games: Raydurz, Bungles, Titans, Packers, Chargers

Who would have known after 5 games last year these guys were gonna take the AFC Doormat? Kyle Orton hangs onto his job. What a boon for Denver. Okay, Donks win game 1 on terrible call at goal line, squeak past Bungles in a stiff of the week, lose game 3 to Titans by way too large margin, get completely humiliated by the Packers, and then lose all hope against Chargers and then go on humongous slide.

Outlook: 2-3. Season: 5-11

Oakland Raydurz (2010: 2-3)

Stadium: O.co.O.o.co.oooo.OOOO Stadium

First Five: Denver, Buffalo, NY Jets, New England, Houston.

Raydurz finished 8-8 last year, and weren’t even allowed in the basement anymore. But, Al Davis went swiftly to work and fired the coach, and drafted nobody in particular. If this edition of the Silver and Blacked Out play like the preseason, they’re in the Moldy Carpet Hunt in a big way.

OUTLOOK: 0-5 Season: 2-14

Kansas City Cheaps (2010: 3-2)

Stadium: Arrow-thru-the-Head Stadium

First FIVE: Nils, Kittens, Chargers, Yikings, Colts

I’m still standing by my analysis that the Cheaps were last year’s biggest mirage.

The Cheaps played everybody in the NFC Worst last year, plus their own division twice. No wonder they faked their way to a 10-6 record. This year they have no such luck- they have to play the NFC North, with only the Yikings a reasonable victory.

Outlook: 2-3 Season: 6-10

I am skipping assessments of the Titanics, Gaguars, and the Floppers, though at least one of these teams is going to lose 10. I don’t think any of them are Moldy Carpet material. Boy, could I be wrong.

I'll Be Back....with the NFC First Five. Gotta go boil some coffee on the grill....