Doormat Division Week II Wrap Up and Disposal

WEEK II WRAP-UP AND DISPOSAL

BLOWOUT OF THE WEAK

Kansas City Cheaps 3, Detroit Lions 48

Wow is right. How about them Cheaps? 3 fumbles! 3 interceptions! 1 field goal. 12 first downs. 2-11 on third down. No touchdowns! The Cheaps are back in a BIG way, ladies and gentlemen. In their last 4 games, dating back to last year, the Cheaps have been outscored 150-27. The Cheaps are terrible! The Cheaps are terrible! Weren’t they supposed to have a good defense? I think teams figured something out. Go ahead and throw bombs and go crazy because the Cheaps will not be scoring, whether your defense is on the field or not. Just put a ‘police line’ tape across the goal line, and they’ll leave it alone.

The Lions are officially ADIOS BRO CHA CHO’D out of the Doormat Division with this win. 411 total yards and an all-day party at the Kat Box. Of course, with 14 games still on the schedule, they’ve got 6 more victories to go before they can officially climb out of the muck. But if these guys stay healthy, they look good for 10 victories, not 10 losses. Think of all the hangovers at the Ford-Chevy-Chyrsler plants today. Don’t buy a car built in Detroit on September 19^th, 2011, okay? Just sayin’. But look in glove compartment….might be a little something extra in there.

BLOWOUT #2

Seahags 0, Steelers 24

Last year’s poster child for the Best Worst, or maybe that’s Worst Best, the Seahags are off to the bottom of the NFC Worst already at 0-2. It was an 8&8 day. 8 punts and 8 first downs. 5 sacks that probably looked like 80.

When you complete 20 passes but get only 133 yards out of it, that’s gotta be a healthy diet of the Brownie Bomb (rifle shot screen pass over head of WR standing stock still 3 yards behind line of scrimmage). WR either watches it go sailing, or makes incredible acrobatic catch and gets killed by 3 linebackers. I think the Seahags may be the WORST of the WORST in the NFC WORST this year. It’s gonna be fun watching Pete Carrol’s expressions slowly morphing into stoic resignation/disgust. How many weeks?

Relief may be on the way: The CRUD are coming to Seattle next week. It’s tough to lose them all in the NFC Worst.

COME FROM AHEAD

Yikings 20, Buccaneers 24

2 games, 2 come from ahead losses! The Minnesota Yikings show signs of heading for a record setting year, and I might just have to get the horned helmet out of the basement closet…which is actually where I type this on the Commodore 64. It’s on top of the monitor. I see it every day. But let’s dust it off and put it on the Zenith, where we can all appreciate what it stands for. Get an OK lead and then crack open a cold one and let the other guys just TRY AND CATCH UP. Whoops!

Leading 17-0 at halftime, the Yikings break out the champagne in the locker room, and run out of gas coming out of the tunnel before the 3^rd quarter even starts. Just think what this game plan is going to lead to with Detroit coming into town next week. Uh-Oh. Might be a good time for that trip to the Erik the Red Museum and Pillaging Center in Greenland.

Pansies 23, Packers 30

This one is not nearly so embarrassing, because, even with Captain Amercia there at QB for Carolina, it would have been incredible for the Pansies to upset the Pack. But, give credit where credit is due- Pansies were up 13-0, and then saw it slowly crumble away. Get used to it Cam- you’re going to see a lot of those for the next 2-3 years. Carolina hosts Jacksonville next week. They should win. I say SHOULD.

The Official Adios Bro Cha Chos Game

Raydurz 35 Nils 38

I could say the Raydurz have terrible defense, and I would be right. But the Nils are pretty much right there with them, so that produced a really fun game to watch. The Nils climb to 2-0, seriously endangering their Doormat cred. This was old school AFL football, including 2 teams whose uniforms haven’t changed in any significant way since 1961. Jumping ship from either of these teams in your Doormat Fantasy league would not be out of order….but all you need is a couple key injuries on offense for the Raydurz, and you’re in trouble. That defense is hysterically lame. Absolutely zero pressure on Fitzpatrick yesterday. He had a little table and tea things set up with Pooh and Tigger back there. Also, though the Raydurz cut their penalties in half, they were all exceedingly well timed and gave the Nils everything they needed in the second half. So, I give neither team the Official Adios, but the Nils have the upper hand TODAY.

WELCOME TO THE CLUB DOLTS!

Kerry Collins turns around avoids the coverage. Goal post is the other way, Kerry

Dolts 19, Brownies 27

You can’t lose to the Brownies at home and get away with it. We opened a 16oz PBR and drained it onto the ‘green’ carpet here in the basement last night, doing the Doormat Descent Dance in all it’s squishy glory in honor of the Indianapolis Dolts. 0-2 and headed straight to the bottom of the AFC. Peyton Manning….take your time. No hurry.

THE REST OF THE SORRY PILE

Deadskins 22, Crudinals 21.

Somebody had to win. Deadskins 2-0 and in first in NFC East. Good God.

Texans 23, Floppers 13

Floppers 0-2 and staying under the radar in the Doormat. Next week, huge test in Cleveland at the Brownie Bake Sale. If they can get by that one (0-3), and that’s a tall order, then they are a force to be reckoned with.

Donkeys 24, Bungles 22

Bungles are not turning the ball over. This had Come From Ahead loss written all over it for the Donks, but the Bungles were having none of that, and once they got within 2 points, it was puntfest. 7 for each team. Game over. Donkey-Bunco-Bonks 1-1. Bungles travel to Candlestink to take on the Niners next week.

TONIGHT: LAMBS vs. GIANTS (predicted Stiff of the Week).

THIS WEEK’S ULTRA LOWS

Points: 0 Seahags

First downs: 8 Seahags

Total Yards: 164 Seahags

Rushing: 31 Seahags

Passing: 91 Gaguars

Sacked: 5 Seahags

Turnovers: 6 Cheaps

Penalties: 8/85 Raydurz

aaaaAAAAAAAAAAA That’s the View from the Basement!