The DOORMAT DIVISION: NFL WEEK 12 REPORT

TA DA!!!  It was Pick-Six Holiday Weekend in the National Flag Football League (or haven't you noticed), with just GOBS of highlights to choose from.  But let's not lose sight of the Big Picture:

The Kansas City Cheaps are the first team to 10 losses!  They get first dibs on the Barcalounger in the Basement, get first shot at the pre-opened quart of PBR, get first drag on the pile of cigarette butts we pulled out of our neighbors garbage,  and they can hang their headdress right over the Zenith TV.   They cannot kick the possum.  The possum kinda owns the place.

DOORMAT DIVISION WEEK 12 STANDINGS

NFC

PHILADELPHIA      3-8      -98

CAROLINA            3-8       -51

U. OF PHOENIX    4-7       -47

DETROIT               4-7      -13

ST. LOUIS             4-6-1   -49

AFC

KANSAS CITY      1-10     -140

JACKSONVILLE   2-9       -120

OAKLAND             3-8      -114

CLEVELAND        3-8        -39

TENNESSEE         4-7       -97

NY JETS             4-7        -69

BLOWOUT OF THE WEEK

JETS 19,  PATS 49

You can't touch giving up 3 touchdowns in 54 seconds.  TWO fumbles turn into touchdowns.   35 points in one quarter.  The wimpy field goal with :02 on the clock before half time was a touch of high art, if you ask me.   The Jets piled up 405 yards of offense and got BA-LOWN OUT.   Rex Ryan, as of today, still has a job in the Jets organization.  Ryan lost 100 pounds in the off-season.  The whole team has lost it now.

LOSS LEADER

CHIEFS 9,  BRONCOS 17

Our Cheaps have a lot to show for their efforts.  10 magnificent losses.  No wins at home.   At the bottom of nearly every statistical category you can dream up.  They did lead in the game yesterday, so that makes 2 in a row now after being perfect for the first 9 games of the season.   You can't be perfect.

Well, you can, but the Lions would have to come to the Cheaps in the off-season and take them through their 0-16 season to work out the particulars.

STIFF OF THE WEEK

BROWNS 20,  STEELERS 14

I was pretty sure Charlie Batch could deliver the sort of performance that would hand the win to the Brownies, but WHOA-BABY the whole Steeler organization contributed to this humm-baby!!   EIGHT, count 'em EIGHT turnovers by the iron-fingered men from Steel-town.  That's the season high for the year.  duh.  The Steelers actually fumbled 8 times, but lost a mere 5.  Batch tossed in 3 interceptions, and the Browns ran away with...wait, no, actually they barely won.  Whew!!  The BROWNIES  punted 10 times!!   Take that and your miserable fumbles!  Who do you think you're dealing with?  The Pats?  It was a malicious battle, but the Steelers outlasted the Brownies and nailed down the loss.   What a game.

GAME OF THE WEEK

CAROLINA PANTHERS                              VS.    PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

Tonight!!   If the Pansies can somehow get out of the way of the Pheelbes off-the-rails atrocious out-of-control unstoppable ridiculously mailed-in football,  they'll lose their hold on first place in the NFC Doormat.  Who would have thought, 5 weeks ago, that the Eagles were going to come out of nowhere and head straight for oblivion like they have done?  Of course, they've got the rocketing-to-earth Arizona Cardinals hot on their assess, but all they gotta do is keep losing, and they'll never look back.

EDGE:  EAGLES (to lose)

LOSING IN STYLE

CARDINALS 17,  RAMS 31

The University of Phoenix runs 3rd string rookie QB Ryan Lindley out there and he connects!  With Janoris Jenkins of the Lambs who promptly runs both INTs back for TDs.   The Crudinals lose their 7th straight game and the abyss is the limit for these guys.   Rams the best team with a tie (after the Niners) in the league.

RAVENS 16, CHARGERS 13  OT

Thanks to the fact that the NFL is trying so hard to protect offensive players (have you noticed that all the rules to protect players is for the offense?), and this includes allowing only once-a-week pads practice around the NFL during the season, nobody can tackle worth a crap anymore.  

The result:   Chargers give up 1st down on 4th and 29 to the Ravens, and the rest is history.  A football miracle, and the greatest blow-it play of the season, and probably ever for the Blots- I mean, Bolts.   Norv Turner still making coffee in his office.  How many more cups, Norv?  How many?

RAIDERS 10, BENGALS 34

Carson Palmer returns to Cincinnatti, and gets his can kicked.  All-day party in Cincy.  Laughing, crying, hugging, gloating.  Such Joy.

UPSETS

JAGUARS WIN A GAME!!!!

JAGUARS  24, TITANICS 19

Jags QB Chad Henne plays great for the second straight week, and the Jags pull off a rarity in the Doormat:  winning the week after you play like wild men and lose a wild game at the last second.  After their 3rd OT loss of the season, the Jags come out swinging and win one at home in front 20,000 stunned empty seats.  They fall out of the tie for first in the Doormat AFC.

DOLPHINS 24,  SEAHAGS 21

The Seahags are the Slufgest pros, and the bring a beauty to Miami,  setting up the the game-losing field goal with no time on the clock.   Perfect.  Seahags can't decide if they are winners or losers.  Maybe this game will help.

Okay,  I gotta go get some possum feed....which is my neighbors garbage can.  But getting it away from the racoons is dicey-  far more physical than an NFL game.  

aaaAAAAAAAAND THAT's The View from the BASEMENT!!!!!!