NFL Predictions Week VI: Parity Storm Raised to Category 3

It’s only week VI, a time of year when there is usually a lot of parity going around. But this year the parity clouds are especially dark, and some strong winds of mediocrity are traversing the continent. The National Weather Service has raised Parity Storm Doug to a Category 3. Fans should get their emergency kits ready and load up on beer and wings.

There are eight 2-3 teams, two 2-2 teams, and four 2-2-1 teams. Don’t forget we have six 1-4 teams as well. So out of 32 teams 20 of them are NOT over .500. The storm could get worse. An awful lot are hanging around the middle. Kinda like a flat line on that TV show ER. And don’t forget we have six teams at 3-2. It’s hard to tell which way this storm will go. Who will get a heartbeat and arise from the parity cloud and who will sink to the depths of the basement?

With so much parity going on the patio is really crowded. What are Green Bay, Minnesota, and Pittsburgh doing out there? It’s like a Halloween movie.

Some important stats. The six worst teams league wide in overall defense so far (in order) are

Buccaneers,

Falcons,

Raiders,

Lions,

Vikings and

Saints/Colts (tied). Whoa, only one AFC team?

Bottom Offenses are

Cardinals,

Bills,

Cowboys,

Eagles (wow),

Redskins,

Broncos.

The only team in both of those lists is…none. Hmm, parity again. We glance at point differential and some clarity emerges: Bills (-55), Cardinals (-47), Raiders (-42), Broncos (-31), Falcons (-30), and 49ers (-28).

And though offense is king these days, we still know it’s defense that loses championships.

So the Oracle predicts the three bottom defensive teams with the biggest point differentials are going to tank: Bills, Cardinals (duh), Raiders.

And speaking of the Raiders. They managed to plug the holes in the ship and make it through the storm to England for a Doormat special at sticky-with-beer Wembley Field. Coach Gruden hates flying in planes, so they sailed to Jolly old England. Not much space to work out on the deck and they lost all the footballs to sea. Now they face a Seahawk team on the verge of mediocrity and desperate for another win. Looks like the fans at Wembley are in for a treat. The Raiders kinda feel like a home team for the Brits, and as one English friend told me: “Getting sauced and punching someone, it’s what we do, mate.” This should be a wild game with a predictable outcome: Raiders lose, fans fight.

And now the rest of the Oracle’s predictions. With so much parity going around, this week I only predict games for teams with at least 4 losses:

Eagles- 18

Giants- 21

(Vegas says Eagles, but these teams hate each other. It’s in Jersey. Eagles are in a swan dive. And the frozen turkey said so, so there.)

Buccaneers- 16

Falcons- 24

Seahawks- 33

Raiders- 21

Colts- 16

Jets- 21

49ers- 16

Packers- 28

Cardinals- 12

Vikings- 36

Chargers- 14

Browns-12

(OK no 4-loss team, but it’s the Browns!)

And finally, not a prediction, but stunned to see that the Bears and Dolphins is NOT a doormat game.

The Oracle has spoken!

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